to think the OW is also to blame?

[HunterWellies]

Until fairly recently I have always thought that if a dp leaves his family for an OW that the responsibility for that lies just with him.

He is the one with a commitment that he has decided to break to be with the OW. She might be free of any prior commitment and in a position to start a relationship.

But if starting that new relationship means breaking apart a young family, and the OW knows that, should she also carry some of the responsibility? I am beginning to think that she should. Aibu?

[badbaldingballerina123]

I think most people who cheat are miserable and lack the skills to fix it . Instead they look to someone else to fill the void . People talk about flattery , falling in love, butterflies, when really they are talking about a dopamine hit which is why cheaters behave like addicts.

Most people don't talk about infidelity unless it's to issue a threat about it .some statistics say that you are more likely to be affected by infidelity than you are a divorce , and considering the divorce rate , that's pretty shocking. Most parents don't give much , or any advice at all about avoiding infidelity , or how to maintain a marriage long term.

When you end up in counselling due to infidelity , the counsellor basically tells you all the things that your parents should have . Ie how to have healthy boundrys, how to regulate your self esteem, how to communicate properly .

[HunterWellies]

R0llo that is just appalling. I am just amazed at how low some people are. Really.

[HunterWellies]

Wtf!? Jesus. I would be murderous. Honestly.

[HunterWellies]

I don't think you were the insane one in that situation... But yes, better off out of it. Ok now I hope? (Sorry not prying but I do so hope that, eventually, the wronged party in this situation gets a good outcome. And Karma bites the others in the arse. Prob being naive again.) God the damage it does is something else.

[Fancynancypants1]

Yes, I would say so as the husband and mistress are both recognised as adulterers in family law & divorce cases citing adultery.

[Notify]

Hunter, I think that time after DC start school can be a vulnerable time for women. They've been completely wrapped up in their kids and to a large extent lived through them and now they're starting to move away from them. At the same time they may start to feel unappreciated by DH, be thinking about what direction life should take next and have time to give more attention to their appearance and social life.

Often they strike up a "friendship" with a married man precisely because he's a good decent family man, no more likely to have an affair than they are. She wouldn't have lunch with a single man, that would be asking for trouble but the MM is "safe". She probably doesn't realise she's unhappy at home, she probably thinks she is happy with a nice comfortable life a "good" Dh and lovely DC. He may well feel the same but as they become closer they discover that they have some dissatisfactions in common. They share intimacies but it's Ok because they're both married and aren't going to do anything to change/risk that. Then boom they're in love. If there's some alcohol involved or they've just had a big row at home one thing leads to another and they've been unfaithful. Once they've done it once, the damage is done, so there's no point stopping and in any case they're not sure if they can...No one would understand if they tried to talk about it (that's obvious here!!)

There are, as I said at he start of this thread some truly despicable people but the vast majority are decent people who lost their way through a variety of different situations. Bear in mind that at least 50% of the people you know will be or have been unfaithful. Are they really all wicked people?

[StickEmUpBigStyle]

Hunter i sent a pm

[MollyHooper]

I don't think the people in the situation you describe are wicked, but nor are they as helpless as you make out. They are two adults who are fully aware of their feelings. You don't just suddenly 'boom' fall in love with someone.

They are two selfish, cowardly people.

If I ever found myself having inappropriate feelings for a male friend I would address them, be it giving myself a good talking to or ultimately ending the friendship. I love my husband and would never jeprodise our relationship like that.

If I didn't love my husband I would end it. Falling out of love is no reason to cheat, it doesn't give some unwritten permission.

[WheelieBinThief]

Notify is it really 50%, straight down the line? I'm not disagreeing with you, it just seems so crazy to think of all the married/long term couples I know, and to wonder which, statistically, have been unfaithful. I can think of a dozen couples, out of that, I wouldn't be surprised if there was/will be infidelity in 2 or 3 of those relationships, but it's hard to imagine it with the rest (of course, not to say it won;t happen)

Is there more likelihood of certain couples who live certain lifestyles/cultures/religions being unfaithful, or keeping it quiet and staying together if they are?

I honestly had no idea that it was as high as 50% feels hopelessly naive

[Notify]

I prefer to think that the majority of people are basically good and one (very) bad judgement doesn't make someone wicked for life.

Of course some people are truly despicable but I really don't think the % of those is that high.

"they are liars and cheaters who put their own feelingd before those of their Kids and other halves." Yes, they are but I think it over simplifies things to say that that is always a conscious choice, or to define at what point that choice was made. As I said further up the thread "love" makes people loose all reason. I'm not saying they deserve sympathy and as I also said earlier I would be devastated if it happened to me and can't begin to imagine what it was like to go through what you have but life is very rarely that black and white.

[MollyHooper]

Unless they are both unfortunate enough to be sleep cheating then it is always a conscious choice.

[ShesADreamer]

Have always been firmly in the Blame the Cheater camp but a good friend has recently become the OW and I can't help but judge her.
While she's not behaving as badly as the man she's shagging, I have completely revised my opinion of her.
I'm a bit repulsed tbh.

[Notify]

Oh I don't know - that stat was quoted early in this thread but it is a much higher figure than you'd think reading this thread. I think it happens in an awful lot of marriages where no-one would suspect a thing, in fact the ones that present as "perfect" to the outside world are often the most dysfunctional relationships IME

I've had a quick Google and there are lots of figures bandied about but they're all in that region.

[WheelieBinThief]

Yes, they all seem to be around 40% plus don't they?

That seems like such a lot. I knew it wasn't exactly uncommon, but there is clearly a lot that is never found out.

[sykadelic15]

Responsibility no because s/he has no responsibility towards you. S/he does share some of the "blame" for the affair though and is a shitty person and I would feel justifiably angry towards that person and think less of them.

Not to mention their self-worth must be pretty low if they can't tell a person to get their life in order before bringing that mess into their life.

[mumandboys123]

I genuinely believe people think they just won't get caught and nobody will get hurt. It's the only way I can imagine them ever feeling ok about it.

I think you'll find that the OW will usually convince herself that the wife/partner is in some way deserving of what the man is doing: they've put on weight, they don't get on, she's a bitch, she doesn't give him enough sex, she's preoccupied with the children, she won't go out to work, she's ugly, she doesn't dress well, she never wears make-up or makes an effort, she takes him for granted, she doesn't understand him. It's also very easy to convince yourself, with the help of soap operas, Hollywood and chick lit, that 'true love conquers all' so it's somehow fine to be involved with this man because you love him and that's all that matters.

You have to do all of that because if you didn't, you'd have to face the truth that there is NOTHING AT ALL attractive about a man who sleeps with two women at once (because at least 99% of 'em are still sleeping with their wives, regularly), who sneaks around, lies, cheats, spends joint money meant for babywipes and family holidays on afternoon hotel encounters....The OW will also convince herself that because it's 'true love' he would never, ever cheat on her.

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726]

Agree with Notify again on the way that affairs can sometimes happen. I think that account is a very accurate reflection.

I don't believe that affair partners want to break up their - or their affair partner's - marriage. I would say that they do not want to be discovered. It's extra-marital, not instead of. It doesn't make it right, of course it doesn't, but the talk of OW grabbing other women's men just isn't accurate. If the OW ends up with the man in question it's often that their affair has been discovered and the partner has ended the relationship - or it has become so uncomfortable that the affair partner has ended their primary relationship.

Anecdotally, it's been stated that if a man does leave a marriage/committed relationship for another woman, it's unlikely to be for the OW and if it is, then it's due to circumstances and may not last.

Relationship breakdowns are hard - and sad - whether somebody else is involved or not. I don't believe that dishing out 'blame' is in any way helpful but it is an enormous waste of time and energy.

[HunterWellies]

Well R0llo, that sounds pretty positive given the short time frame, especially. The re-writing history part particularly sucks but you are rising above that. If it helps, I never buy that shit about ex-wives when I hear it anyway. As if life is so black and white...

As you say, cloud cuckoo land.

[LouiseAderyn]

Plenty of people cheat with no love for the ow/om involved. They do it because they are incredibly selfish and, on some level, feel entitled to do as they please. They don't think about impact on their spouse or the fact that they are risking their children's security.

Given that there is no love involved, it would be incorrect to blame the ow/om because if they didnt cheat with that particular one, it would be another one later on, when the opportunity arose.

Kind of insulting to the ow really - they could be anyone and are mostly just a convenient vagina!

[xxxxmrsxxxx]

In my case I was partly to blame for him straying. I became a bit boring after having the kids. However, the OW was seriously out to get him (I have proof of that). She gave him the depraved sexual activities that he wanted. She gave him anal sex whenever he wanted it. She let him tie her up and whip her. I would not!! And she got pregnant by him! I partly blame the OW in this instance.