to think the OW is also to blame?

[HunterWellies]

Until fairly recently I have always thought that if a dp leaves his family for an OW that the responsibility for that lies just with him.

He is the one with a commitment that he has decided to break to be with the OW. She might be free of any prior commitment and in a position to start a relationship.

But if starting that new relationship means breaking apart a young family, and the OW knows that, should she also carry some of the responsibility? I am beginning to think that she should. Aibu?

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726]

Disagree with that mumandboys. I think that affair partners spend next to NO time thinking about each other's primary partners beyond initial 'groundrules'. They have the distraction of each other and don't need or want mundane life intruding. If they wanted to think about the realities, they wouldn't be distracted from their real lives.

[LouiseAderyn]

Sounds like you are well out of it!

And you are never to blame for an affair because your spouse wants you to do something sexually that you are not into.

[OddFodd]

I think what this thread demonstrates is that there are many different kinds of OW. There is however, only one kind of unfaithful cheating scumbag partner/husband

[Notify]

That's not true At all IME mumandboys.

Most OW are deeply unhappy and very sympathetic towards the DW (at least to until things turn nasty) They will often take the "woman's" side in discussions about the lazy wife not doing enough housework for example. Something happens to ordinary people when they're "in love" that makes what would normally seem like outrageous behaviour seem perfectly reasonable. It's not at all unusual to find unfaithful people to be very judgemental of other cheaters, they really don't see that what they're doing is the same thing. Oooh, hang on is that what's going on here?

When you're outside looking in that seems ridiculous and weak but when you're living it I can really feel like you don't have a choice. As with so many things in live those of us who have never experience it can't really understand but we don't have to be quite so judgemental and blaming the OW , the MM or the DW isn't helpful to anyone. The reality is probably that they all have some responsibility and that none of us (probably not even those involved) ever know the full story from all sides.

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726]

Louise... It sounds as if you're referring to one night stands... plenty of risk but time limited and no feelings involved. Are you also saying that the OM could 'just be a convenient penis'? It might fit for ONS but not affairs.

Longer term affairs wouldn't carry on without feelings being involved. What's sad is that affair partners behave with more consideration - and truth - towards each other than either do with their primary partners. I don't know if it's about 'love'; probably not, not for affair partners or their primary partners but I don't think it's as casual as is often suggested.

[DiaryOfAWimpyMum]

I also think if OW is aware she is breaking up a family she is partly to blame, sadly I have experience of this and the OW is a complete nutter who still thinks I would take stbxh back so does what she can to make me look bad and also does some weird facebooking, in fact she does anything she can, to make me look bad.

[Notify]

No, I don't agree with that either OddFodd. Definitely some cheating men meet that description but many are loving fathers deeply unhappy but trying not to hurt anyone. Getting it badly wrong but they're not always bad people by any means.

It might be better if they left to pursue happiness elsewhere but they know that would hurt DW and DC, an affair means there's a possibility (in their heads) that no-one gets hurt. Or are they just supposed to stay and be unhappy?

[mumandboys123]

I think that affair partners spend next to NO time thinking about each other's primary partners beyond initial 'groundrules'. They have the distraction of each other and don't need or want mundane life intruding. If they wanted to think about the realities, they wouldn't be distracted from their real lives.

so why is it that whenever you see a post here from the OW, it is always accompanied with some kind of flippant comment about the state of her MM's relationship and a more than healthy dose of anger towards the wife/partner? the OW always seems to be very, very clear that 'she doesn't understand him/give him enough sex/has let herself go' and she can only come to this conclusion if they have discussed it in some detail, surely? I am pretty sure that these MM don't say 'oh yes, my wife doesn't understand me, sleep with me, you do understand me' and leave it at that...there has to be deeper personal involvement or you wouldn't bother investing your time, effort and emotions into someone who is cheating. You have to bypass that - and to bypass the fact you're with someone who is cheating you have to feel a deeper than average connection from day one, surely?

[OddFodd]

Notify. They're supposed to behave like grownups. And what grownups do if they're terribly unhappy in their relationship is leave. Not wait until they're ball deep in another woman before having the courage to do that. This is not a noble act.

[Notify]

Of course, that's what I said they should do, but in their heads the affair means there's a possibility no-one gets hurt so that's the better option. We know it rarely works out like that but they are trying to do what's best for everyone

[MollyHooper]

What they are trying to do is avoid "looking like the bad guy".

It's really rather pathetic.

[Notify]

Alright, they're trying to do what they think is best for everyone. Most of them really don't set out to hurt anyone. They believe that if the wife doesn't find out she and their children won't be hurt. Misguided but not evil

[MollyHooper]

They are not misguided.

Affairs are far too complicated and involve too much sneaking around and lying for it them to be.

They want the pleasure of shagging whoever they want without the hassle of divorce and all that comes with it.

[BoneyBackJefferson]

the "other" that took my Ex has a rep for taking other peoples partners, It is their MO.

For myself I am actually quite grateful to them as when my Ex left I could change all the locks and get them out of my life (DA/DV).

I still find it quite amusing as my Ex now knows what it feels like to be used.

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726]

mumandboys... Do you ever see any posts here from OW? I think I've probably seen about ten raise their heads about the parapet in the years I've been posting on MN. So, of those ten posters, I might have seen TWO of them post in a disparaging way about their affair partner's relationship from what their MM has told them. Those women are then ripped apart. Tip of the iceberg is what springs to my mind.

This is what I believe to be true:

• OW may lurk here, they WON'T post.
  
• There are OW posting on a range of things, not about their affairs.
  
• Many affairs will never be discovered. If you really wanted to 'cover it up', you could, quite easily - you'd find 'the script' and work through it to ensure that those cues and clues are not there.
  
• Most affair partners don't want to leave their relationships but there is a 'gap', something missing in the primary relationship.
  
• Affairs are often about intimacy, not just sex.
  
• Affair partners are NOT thinking about their families when they're with each other.
  
• People don't enter into affairs lightly. A one night stand, maybe, not an affair.
  
• Most OW are not gloating or gleeful; many are 'in too deep', have lost control of their feelings and know that the inevitable end is going to cause them huge pain.
  
• People post a lot about 'affairs' and OW and mostly really have no idea what they're talking about from 'that side'.
  
  
  If you've never been 'tested' - and I mean at the point where it could go either way, you have strong attraction and feelings for somebody - then you have no idea what it's like.
  
  My friend is a shadow of herself; she's about a year on from the end of her affair (which ended badly) and she's in torment. She would take a "reset - it never happened" pill right now if there was such a thing.

[CremeEggThief]

Yes of course they are to blame, although not as much as the married men or women who cheat. The woman my XH left me for encouraged him to leave me and DS. I caught him texting her to tell her he'd come clean.

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726]

Boney, that woman sounds a lot like Sad's post further up the thread. Some women are horribly competitive - and some of those have affairs. I don't think they can ever be happy because once they've achieved what they set out to do, they have lost their 'mission'.

I don't think there are too many women who would behave that way. You do sound very strong and infinitely better off without your ex.

[Notify]

No Molly, see that's the image it suits so many people to have - men who think with their dicks but they're just as emotional as women.

If it were just about the sex you'd be right but in most affairs it really isn't.

Rollo, so they're wrong to have an affair but they're also wrong to leave. So they should stay and be unhappy? No-one on here would say that to a woman.

Spot on Lying

[mumandboys123]

how is the wife not going to find out when they walk out and set up home with the other woman? I mean, seriously, my ex pretended for 6 months there was no one else when all the time she was sleeping in his bed. Our children were there every week - does he really think they wouldn't tell me it wasn't just him living there?! how could anyone think that I wouldn't be hurt by all of that?! Yes, it is 'evil'...it's pre-mediated and thought through. My ex went as far as to sleep with me, without contraception, the same week he intended to move in with the girlfriend. That one act of deliberate carelessness turned into a pregnancy. I was sleeping with my husband - a man I had discussed having another child with at some point in the future. He was out the door but thought it would be rather fun to take that kind of risk on his way out....he then went on to deny he could be the father and went as far as telling some people that I had raped him to get pregnant so he wouldn't leave (I had no idea he was leaving). How the fuck is any of that 'misguided'?!!!! It is very, very deliberate and incredibly cruel.