to ask if my daughter can come to the wedding?

[splasheeny]

A very good friend is getting married, she was my only bridesmaid when I got married. She has moved away from me and I don't see her very often now, but we do stay in touch. I was hurt she didn't ask me to be bridesmaid, but haven't said anything.

The wedding is on the same weekend ans my dd's birthday, and in the middle of nowhere, some distance from where we live, so it will involve spending the weekend there (plus getting annual leave for travelling, something which I am not sure if will even be granted).

I am already planning my dd's birthday party for the week prior, as even if we were able to get back in time for her birthday, we wouldn't have time to plan a party the same weekend. I also don't know what we would do for childcare, and it feels mean to leave dd for her birthday. It will also cost a lot for hotel, transport, and childcare, which we could afford but would be at the expense of other things.

The wedding is not child free.

Wibu to ask if dd can come? Timing and location of the wedding really make things really difficult. I don't know if its rude to ask, would it be better to no go? I'm tempted to say could she come, she wouldn't even need a chair and can eat off my plate. AIBU?

I have been the bride in this situation!

I just tried to find the email that i was sent by the lady in question who couldn't leave cupcake she actually called her cupcake rather than her real name in email who was two for the day but i cant locate it (it was 3 years ago and i remember it as got the fear writing back how to say no thank you if we wanted cupcakeor any other child to attend our wedding we would have invited them without offending Cupcakes mum)

I wrote back and said thats a shame but thank you for letting us know and we look forward to catching up another time after the wedding.

Forget money and space for just a moment and think that wedding day is about what the bride and groom want and who they want to share their day with. Imagine you have over 200 people at your wedding if just one in ten people were selfish enough to put pressure on you over their pfbs and siblings attending you could end up with 20kids there before you know it. None of which you wanted.

If she was close to you still it might be a different situation I also imagine you would have discussed it being your dds birthday when she told you the date.

If i were you i would write isn't this how you are supposed to rsvp unless directed otherwise? or email (not text or phone) saying thank you so much for the invitation I hope you both have a wonderful day but as it's dds birthday I want to be with her on this special day. IF the brides really wants you at the wedding then she has time to consider her options and invite dd if she wishes. IF she doesn't invite dd then it's maybe time to accept you have drifted apart in your friendship and it's not as important to your friend that you attend her wedding as it is to you.

Just turn up with kid, they arent gonna kick you out are they, and if they do, go to the newspapers and have a photo taken with a sad face

Somerset, op had bride as her bridesmaid. That's pretty close I would say. We had a child free wedding but if anyone hasn't been able to come because of lack of childcare of course we would have let them bring their dc (there would have been. 9 1 year olds so I am quite glad they all found sitters!!).

TBH, if you were close enough that she was your only bridesmaid, why does she not know your DD's birthday? I assume it's because you're not that close any more.

In which case, I don't think you can ask. Just explain why when you decline, and if she wants you there she will change the arrangements.

I wouldn't ask her. I would just decline the invitation and let her know that it's because it's your dd's birthday so you can't leave her for the day. She will either suggest that you bring your dd as well or she won't...

I wouldn't ask her. I would just decline the invitation and let her know that it's because it's your dd's birthday so you can't leave her for the day. She will either suggest that you bring your dd as well or she won't... This!

twofalls the OP says herself she doesn't really see the bride anymore although they do stay in touch. If they were still close i imagine the bride would know the date of the child's birthday after the 3 previous years in which she would have probably seen her and probably bought her a present

All I am saying was if the bride considers the OP to be a close friend then one of the below might at least apply:

1. She would have been asked to be bridesmaid
2. She might even have asked the dd to be flower girl
3. She would have invited the dd to the wedding
4. She would have known the wedding fell on or around the dd birthday
5. She would have got the birthday information when chatting to the OP over the course of the last year or so however long she has been planning the wedding and extended an invitation to the dd accordingly.

I am one of those for whom not inviting children to our wedding had nothing to with money or space it was simply a matter of choice!

For me, it's your DDs birthday weekend. She isn't invited. I know where I'd be.

Really don't get the 'it's rude to ask if your dd can come' comments. I wouldn't give a rats arse who I asked if my child could come. Would email

Hi friend, is there enough room for dd to come?

If the response was NO , I would email back

Ok no problem. Child care is gonna be a problem and it's her birthday so I'm just going to have to send all my love and best wishes for the day.

If it's not a child free wedding and my child wasn't invited , I wouldn't go tbh.

Have you decided what your going to do ?

I don't get the hand wringing. If your DDs birthday is too special to sack off for a wedding (fully understandable) then isn't it also too special to celebrate by attending somebody else's mainly grown up celebration?

Why would you choose to celebrate a little ones birthday at a wedding? And if I was the bride reading that I'd be thinking oh shit oh shit, am I supposed to provide cake etc for the birthday girl. I'd be in knots over what was expected.

It's a little ones birthday, so you can't go.

I've had an almost identical situation. Some years ago, I got a wedding invite from a close friend which coincided with my Dd's 4th birthday (15th of the month). It was a child free wedding which I very much wanted to attend. We celebrated Dd's birthday on the 14th, cake, presents and all, and didn't mention to her at all that it wasn't the day of her birthday, she was too little to read the calendar or know the difference. Got up on the Saturday the 15th, got ready for the wedding, dropped Dc's at granny's where she had another wee celebration, and we went off to the wedding.

The very closeness of the relationship means it's unfair pressure to ask if DD can come. After all, she's probably got parents and ILs trying to get their friends in as well (I think it's a generstional thing). My DM was initially very pissed off that we wete inviting children to ours, thinking they would take up spaces for her chosen guests. Then we had probkemd eith yhe venue itself. Not to mention other people asking for all sorts of thinfs, inclufing accommodation, airoort transfers, etc.

Apologies for all those appalling typos!

Anyway, didn't you say you might not even get time off work?

It sounds as though it woukd be stressful for you and for her (and possibly DD) to organise attending, so just give up on this one so as not to make anyone unhappy!

Sillylass - this isn't a tiny breastfed baby. OP's DD is nearly 4. So it's inconceivable that the bride has forgotten about her.

I think it would be incredibly rude and putting the bride and groom in a really difficult situation to ask to bring her. They know that the OP has a nearly school aged child and have explicitly excluded her. Why on earth does anyone think it's okay to challenge that? On that basis, I could aslk to bring my elderly mum who's staying with me? Or John down the road who loves a good knees up?

The invitation is not for the OP and her child, it's for the OP. She either finds someone to look after her child or she doesn't go. The whole birthday thing is a red herring/separate issue.

Ah this is interesting.

I had read a lot of MN threads before the following.

One time, an invitation to one of DH best friends, DD2 was very small. He text (on my prompting because then MN advice was to ASK! Mn advice is seemingly changeable). His friend did not reply. we took that to mean no so (as I was BF although DD2 not tiny) decided to go along for a bit etc.

When we got there, there were loads of children running around and everyone kept coming up saying "oh did you decide not to bring your children" including the happy couple and it had been a massive PITA to sort the childcare and we had to leave really early and it was just awful and I burst into tears outside

Second time, it was similar. Again, me and DH named on invite. Children were older. MN advice in general was (as on this thread) Don't Ask. So we didn't. Made all the arrangements etc and again were met by the happy couple saying "oh! where are the kids?" as loads of children ran around cheerfully.

We also weren't aware that the bar was cash only and we were miles from anywhere so made do on table water.

So.

Personally, I say, ask. Who knows what is going on in people's heads? If she's not invited and that is definite then you can decline.

If people were more straightforward it would really help. In everything, frankly. I can;t be doing with all this victorian well if it says this it means that and you are only going to know that if you read the right book in 1986 or whatever the fuck it is.

Good luck

BTW declining is fine, if she is genuine that it's you alone who can go.

It will be my DD's 4th birthday next week. The day is very special as an anniversary to me (I like to spend some quiet time just reminiscing around the time of her birth) and she is old enough to be really excited and to want to celebrate.

I wouldn't be away from DD on her birthday and neither would I want her to spend the day stuck at a wedding in the middle of nowhere on her best behaviour. I'd simply decline the invitation.

The whole birthday thing is a red herring/separate issue. I think the same! but about the wedding.

I wouldn't want to go on one of my children's birthday, and tbh even if they were invited, i'd want that day to be special, just for them, and about them. Even if they didn't know it was their birthday, I'd know. So I'd decline, I think a close friend would understand, and if we weren't close, I wouldn't care.

I'd ask, when we got married some friends were in the same position and obviously we let them bring the child. It didn't cost much more and it we would have hated for them to miss the wedding. The only reason we didn't invite children in the first place was because of limited numbers at the venue.

I personally wouldn't want to be away on my dds bday, if its a close friend I would ring her and talk to her about it.

At the end of the day your dd should come first, if she is a good friend she will understand that.

We had 3 requests for plus ones (2 recent gfs and one baby).

We said yes. Numbers were fine and we valued our friends enjoyment of our wedding day and wanted to celebrate with them.

We asked as ds was to be 6 weeks old. They said yes initially then uninvited us.

As people have said, say you can't come as it is DD's birthday, then they have the chance to also invite DD if they feel they want to have you there. Good suggestion to email so they are not put on the spot immediately. Also to plan an outing somewhere nearby for DD so she gets a birthday event that weekend too.