Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask if my daughter can come to the wedding?

454 replies

splasheeny · 22/02/2014 14:46

A very good friend is getting married, she was my only bridesmaid when I got married. She has moved away from me and I don't see her very often now, but we do stay in touch. I was hurt she didn't ask me to be bridesmaid, but haven't said anything.

The wedding is on the same weekend ans my dd's birthday, and in the middle of nowhere, some distance from where we live, so it will involve spending the weekend there (plus getting annual leave for travelling, something which I am not sure if will even be granted).

I am already planning my dd's birthday party for the week prior, as even if we were able to get back in time for her birthday, we wouldn't have time to plan a party the same weekend. I also don't know what we would do for childcare, and it feels mean to leave dd for her birthday. It will also cost a lot for hotel, transport, and childcare, which we could afford but would be at the expense of other things.

The wedding is not child free.

Wibu to ask if dd can come? Timing and location of the wedding really make things really difficult. I don't know if its rude to ask, would it be better to no go? I'm tempted to say could she come, she wouldn't even need a chair and can eat off my plate. AIBU?

OP posts:
truelymadlysleepy · 22/02/2014 17:52

Sorry, but I don't think you should ask. If she'd wanted you DD at the wedding she'd have invited her and you'll just put her in a tricky situation.

Have the birthday party on another day and find some childcare.
IMO weddings without DC are much more fun.

Morgause · 22/02/2014 17:53

Of course it isn't fair to ask. Puts the bride in a horrible situation. Very bad manners to propose to invite yourself or an extra guest.

GColdtimer · 22/02/2014 17:54

Phone her. Say you would love to come but can't leave DD as childcare is a problem and its her birthday so you will have to decline. She will either invite your dd or not. If not then you kind of know where you stand with her.

This is a good friend. Not a distant relative.

squoosh · 22/02/2014 17:55

I wouldn't have the birthday on a different day, no chance. If you don't feel you can ask well then I'd just decline the invitation.

GColdtimer · 22/02/2014 18:02

Actually, I wouldn't phone. I would email. Gives her chance to think it over.

HellomynameisIcklePickle · 22/02/2014 18:02

Hmm, in your situation I wouldn't ask - I would decline the invite.

If asked why I would say I couldn't sort out childcare and see how the conversation progresses.

JiminyCricket · 22/02/2014 18:07

I had the exact same situation, only dd was 1, and the wedding was childfree. I have always regretted not openly talking to them about the problem, and always regretted not going...however, the reason I didn't ring them is because I know how rude it can seem when you are planning a wedding and everyone is being a pain. I think in the situation now I would ring and explain that I can't leave dd, so regret I can't come, hoping that they offer for her to come, but not expecting it. I might ring the brides mother (who is a good friend). At least if you explain why you are declining, even if they think it is unreasonable now, they might understand in a few years time when they find themselves in similar dilemmas. Sometimes these things just don't work out, they have to decide who to invite and inviting you dd might cause problems with other uninvited children and increase numbers too much (this is why my friends wedding was childfree, only because everyone they knew had kids so couldn't draw the line. Just make sure your friend knows you do care - we took the bride and groom out to dinner before the wedding to wish them luck.

Biscuitsneeded · 22/02/2014 18:11

Do you have a DH? How about you, he and daughter all go off to hotel near wedding, DD wakes up with you on her birthday and has presents etc. Then she and Daddy go and do something nice nearby (pre-researched) and you go to the ceremony. Then you zip off, meet DH and daughter for birthday tea, DD goes to bed and hotel gets a baby sitter for you, and you and DH head back for the evening do.

Then your answer to your friend is along the lines of we'd love to come, unfortunately it's DD's birthday and we wouldn't feel right leaving her even if we could get childcare for the weekend as she is now old enough to know when her birthday is, so we'll be bringing her to the hotel and we will spend as much of the day as we possibly can with you.

Hopefully at this point friend will feel sorry for DD and invite her, but if not you've got a do-able Plan B.

WHY though do childless people never understand that most parents can't just leave their children for an entire weekend in order to attend a child-free wedding in a far flung place!!

Marcelinewhyareyousomean · 22/02/2014 18:12

It's OK to ask, it's OK for her to say no.

londonrach · 22/02/2014 18:15

Yabvu. My bridemaid was such a sweet girl she allowed one of the guests to turn up with two univited girls dressed as bridesmaids. Luckily everyone was shocked and ignored her but she was upset they didnt get special children meals like the invited children who were members of the family not guests. Either go on your own or give your apologies. Do not ask the poor bride re your daughter as if shes sweet person she say yes despite meaning no.

verdiletta · 22/02/2014 18:16

Good suggestion from biscuitsneeded - however, a friend close enough to be your bridesmaid shouldn't be the subject of an etiquette dilemma. Just call her and explain that you'd love to be there, but this is the problem.

squoosh · 22/02/2014 18:19

'Luckily everyone was shocked and ignored her'

Well don't you sound like a pleasant bunch!

meganorks · 22/02/2014 18:20

I would ask. I would rather someone did that for my wedding than didn't come. If she says no then graciously decline the invitation..

squoosh · 22/02/2014 18:21

'a friend close enough to be your bridesmaid shouldn't be the subject of an etiquette dilemma'

Exactly! As she's a close friend I'm a bit baffled why people are so shocked at you having a conversation with her.

sheeplikessleep · 22/02/2014 18:25

I agree with everyone, just say you are very sorry and disappointed, but you can't come, because it is your daughters birthday and you will struggle to find childcare anyway. That leaves the ball in her court to offer if she wants. No way would I ask, if your dd hasn't been included on invite.

truelymadlysleepy · 22/02/2014 18:27

But surely if she's a close enough friend she'd have invited your DD? I suspect numbers are tight and if she invites one child she'll feel she has to invite lots of others.
Also, is a wedding the best way to celebrate a 4th birthday?

Joysmum · 22/02/2014 18:31

If you are contacting and taking the line of declining due to DD birthday, that doesn't tell your friend that you'd like to go if you could take your daughter.

Why is it such a bad thing to phone/text/email/write and say you'd have lived to have come if you could have bought her as you didn't want to be without her on her birthday.

BeyondTheLimitsOfAcceptability · 22/02/2014 18:34

I'd go with - unfortunatley have to decline invite for day as it is dd's birthday, however we will ALL come to watch the ceremony/service as i want to see my bestest bud married. She then has the opportunity to invite dd to the reception, and you get to see your friend married and so show you care. And if she shows off about you taking dd to the ceremony, that ANYONE can legally attend, then you can clearly see where her priorities lie.

happybubblebrain · 22/02/2014 18:39

I would just decline.

Why are wedding always such a pain in the bum? And an expensive pain in the bum for everyone attending.

And if two people decide they love each other and want to get married then hip hip hurray for them, but do it somewhere easy to get to, allow those who have children to bring their children and don't expect * gifts.

happybubblebrain · 22/02/2014 18:40

*expensive gifts.

OddFodd · 22/02/2014 18:40

Your very good friend knows you have a child. She's not invited. Why would you ask if you can bring her? I'm assuming you're a single parent as am I.

I sometimes get invited to childfree events but 9 times out of 10, I can't go. I assume that people that invite me alone realise that.

expatinscotland · 22/02/2014 18:44

She can't go to just the ceremony as it's in the middle of nowhere.

Pepperglitter · 22/02/2014 18:51

I would ask her. A child's meal will cost about £12 and she can probably be squeezed onto your table between your dh and you with no change of table plan. If she is a true friend and realises it is hard for you to leave her logistically I can't see the problem ( as the wedding isn't child free anyway).

Ask and see what she says. She probably didn't invite her as she thoight you'd have a better time child free!

soontobeslendergirl · 22/02/2014 18:52

We've had similar recently, my nephews wedding, myself and husband invited evening only and kids not included - it's a numbers issue. Wedding is an hour and a half away, all the rooms in the hotel it is being held in are for wedding party only. We don't have other family/friends that we could leave them with. We've declined saying that the logistics don't work for us and wish them a wonderful day. It would have been nice to go but I understand why we can't.

BeyondTheLimitsOfAcceptability · 22/02/2014 18:55

I'd understand that as a reason to not go in general, but if she can make it if the child were invited, stay away for the weekend etc, then why not just (if she want to go badly, which im assuming she does if its a close enough friend to be her bridesmaid) then still go for the weekend, stay in a hotel, but just without going to the reception? If a friend of mine made it clear they would go to that much trouble to be able to witness my marriage, i'd do my best to find space for their child.

Swipe left for the next trending thread