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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask if my daughter can come to the wedding?

454 replies

splasheeny · 22/02/2014 14:46

A very good friend is getting married, she was my only bridesmaid when I got married. She has moved away from me and I don't see her very often now, but we do stay in touch. I was hurt she didn't ask me to be bridesmaid, but haven't said anything.

The wedding is on the same weekend ans my dd's birthday, and in the middle of nowhere, some distance from where we live, so it will involve spending the weekend there (plus getting annual leave for travelling, something which I am not sure if will even be granted).

I am already planning my dd's birthday party for the week prior, as even if we were able to get back in time for her birthday, we wouldn't have time to plan a party the same weekend. I also don't know what we would do for childcare, and it feels mean to leave dd for her birthday. It will also cost a lot for hotel, transport, and childcare, which we could afford but would be at the expense of other things.

The wedding is not child free.

Wibu to ask if dd can come? Timing and location of the wedding really make things really difficult. I don't know if its rude to ask, would it be better to no go? I'm tempted to say could she come, she wouldn't even need a chair and can eat off my plate. AIBU?

OP posts:
MrsMook · 22/02/2014 22:50

We initially didn't invite children of friends for space reasons, but as RSVPs came back were able to accommodate people that had logistical difficulties going child free. No harm in asking.

YouAreTalkingRubbish · 22/02/2014 22:56

If I were the bride and groom and you dropped me an email saying you were unable to come because it was your DDs birthday it wouldn't cross my mind to invite her. However, if you said it was because you couldn't get childcare then I might.

I would just delay the birthday celebrations. I don't see it as a big deal at all.

Jux · 23/02/2014 00:22

If I were the bride I'd be fine if you asked. Depending upon the reason why I hadn't invited your dd in the first place, I would probably invite her as soon as I knew it was her birthday.

hippo123 · 23/02/2014 08:29

Just decline, if she wants to know why you can tell her. I had a child free wedding, other than my own and close families. I simply didn't want a load of snotty kids there who I neither knew very well, or in some cases liked. Not only would it of cost more money it would have totally of changed the atmosphere of the wedding. I wanted people to be able to have a drink and a laugh, not worry about saying / doing something that might offend the parents of a pfb on the next table with most parents disappearing at 7/8 pm so their kids can go to bed. If she wanted to invite your dd she would have. To directly ask her to is very rude.

Minnieisthedevilmouse · 23/02/2014 08:33

This is plain weird...

Just bloody ring her up and ask! Why don't people who profess to be friends y'know actually TALK on mn?!

She will either say yes or no. Does dd want to go? Tbh that would decide for me anyway.

ShoeWhore · 23/02/2014 08:46

We had a similar situation - wedding on ds's birthday. We celebrated his birthday a day early and went to the wedding. All sorted.

I suspect the real issue here is that you are upset about not being so close to your friend any more OP? I do empathise, it sounds hurtful.

RafflesWay · 23/02/2014 08:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pussycatdoll · 23/02/2014 08:58

and she can probably be squeezed onto your table between your dh and you with no change of table plan

Do people really think it's that simple??

apermanentheadache · 23/02/2014 09:20

Pussycatdoll, why on earth should it not be that simple??

I find many of the responses on this thread absolutely bizarre. In what world would you leave a four year old on their birthday to go to a wedding? It's just a wedding.

OP, of course you would not be unreasonable to say you can't come as it is your DD'S birthday. Ball is then in bride/ groom's court. If they don't offer to host your DD then fine, you know where you stand.

Hope you find a solution.

apermanentheadache · 23/02/2014 09:24

I loathe the preciousness around weddings, the "it's all about meeeeeee", bridezilla-type sentiment. It stinks.

diddl · 23/02/2014 09:32

If I was told that someone couldn't come due to child's bday, I would assume that there was a party/trip for the child so wouldn't invite.

If told due to no childcare then I might invite depending on the situation re venue/numbers etc.

LucyLasticBand · 23/02/2014 09:32

does your daughter actually know the date of her birthday?
can't you just celebrate her brithday on the friday or the monday ?

otherwise, yes, take her tothe wedding if you want.

PuppyMonkey · 23/02/2014 09:59

Hippo, I bet all the "snotty kids" who didn't get an invitation to your perfect wedding were devastated.Hmm

lljkk · 23/02/2014 10:11

all this angst is silly, explain the problem and nicely ask if she can come to make things easier.

OTheHugeManatee · 23/02/2014 10:12

I think YABU to ask, if she's made it clear your DD isn't invited. It just seems pushy and a bit PFB.

You have two options:

1 - Decline, explaining why
2 - Celebrate your DD's birthday the day before or after. At 4 she won't be able to read the calendar and will be one the wiser.

Personally I'd go for option 2.

EmmaGellerGreen · 23/02/2014 10:21

Good grief, do you actually know the bride any more? If you do, just pick up the phone and ask her. How can this be difficult?

Bunbaker · 23/02/2014 10:23

You sound a bundle of laughs hippo. and it's have, not of

pussycatdoll · 23/02/2014 10:28

Apermanentgeadache - because an extra chair might not fit in
Because the bride & groom might not want to pay for an extra meal
Because the bride & groom don't want kids at their wedding
Because the other people on the table might be irritated that a 4 year old has been squeezed in but they've had to arrange complicated babysitting shenigans for their own children

Cigarettesandsmirnoff · 23/02/2014 10:33

I can't see the problem if other kids are invited. I was at one over the weekend and there was lots of kids running around. Jesus it where little lads perfect the skidding on your knees dance!

Cigarettesandsmirnoff · 23/02/2014 10:33

its !!!

soontobeslendergirl · 23/02/2014 11:00

When I had my wedding, I worked out who I wanted there, including kids, and then picked a venue/type of wedding where I could afford to accommodate everyone. That however was my choice. Everyone else is entitled to decide what they want to do/can afford for theirs whether I like it or not.

Your friend has clearly decided that she is only inviting immediate family children. You either accept that and make arrangements for your daughter, or you decide not to go.

I have had to turn down two weddings in recent times as my children weren't invited and it wasn't possible for us to go without them. It doesn't make me happy but that's just the way it is. Our lack of childcare is not their problem.

I have to say though that if I found out that others were allowed to bring their children because we had declined our invite for exactly that reason, I would be upset, but again there is nothing I could do about it and it is their choice.

waterrat · 23/02/2014 13:16

It is pAssive aggressive and just weird to say you can't come in the hope that she will then offer an invite

Child care isn't actually a problem - so you should go if you want to - and if I was a bride I would really hope someone would ask me rather than decline without explanation of a real problem.

If you just say no without asking that may be the end of your friendship as she coul be hurt by that.

I think it's so weird that people are saying you should just not go - politely ask while making clear you don't mind if she says no - do it by email so she isn't put on the spot -and attend like a good friend either way

expatinscotland · 23/02/2014 13:19

So ironic, a child free wedding, with the bride's kids there.

2rebecca · 23/02/2014 13:24

I'd ask. If a friend of mine asked if she could bring her daughter because it was her bithday then I'd do my best to fit her in. I suspect if I'd been invited to a wedding on either of my kids' birthdays at age 4 and been told they couldn't come I'd have declined the invite. It's just an invitation not a court summons and I think that if people try and split up families for their social occasions then they have to accept some families choose not to go.

apermanentheadache · 23/02/2014 14:22

Why the bloody hell should the Op attend "like a good friend" if it's her child's birthday?? Children should come first, not some poxy wedding of a friend with dubious loyalties to OP, IMO.

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