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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask if my daughter can come to the wedding?

454 replies

splasheeny · 22/02/2014 14:46

A very good friend is getting married, she was my only bridesmaid when I got married. She has moved away from me and I don't see her very often now, but we do stay in touch. I was hurt she didn't ask me to be bridesmaid, but haven't said anything.

The wedding is on the same weekend ans my dd's birthday, and in the middle of nowhere, some distance from where we live, so it will involve spending the weekend there (plus getting annual leave for travelling, something which I am not sure if will even be granted).

I am already planning my dd's birthday party for the week prior, as even if we were able to get back in time for her birthday, we wouldn't have time to plan a party the same weekend. I also don't know what we would do for childcare, and it feels mean to leave dd for her birthday. It will also cost a lot for hotel, transport, and childcare, which we could afford but would be at the expense of other things.

The wedding is not child free.

Wibu to ask if dd can come? Timing and location of the wedding really make things really difficult. I don't know if its rude to ask, would it be better to no go? I'm tempted to say could she come, she wouldn't even need a chair and can eat off my plate. AIBU?

OP posts:
galletti · 01/03/2014 21:57

Sybil - have you really read the entire thread? Even the last posts by the OP?

Original poster
splasheeny · 01/03/2014 22:14

This is aibu, people like to get outraged it seems!

I am referring to wedding blog as evidence of being self absorbed.

A potted history here for anyone who wants to get outraged without reading the whole thread (and Sybil that includes you, if you had read it you would know I'm not attending):

Very good friend getting married, dd not invited. I call her and let her know that we would have difficulties with childcare and birthday if dd is not invited. She confirms she doesn't want dd. I accept, saying I'm only asking as I really do want to go. I find later that she has made a rather derogatory wedding blog post about children. I will RSVP (by letter, as per etiquette) not attending as we simply can't make it. This will of course be a nice letter.

OP posts:
chunkythighs · 01/03/2014 23:11

Wow splash if you speak of your 'very good friends' as being 'self absorbed', I'd hate to hear you bitch about someone you don't like!.(if you care to think back, you may have been pretty excited about your own wedding day!!). Did the poor woman insist you read her blog?

Self absorbed? Try looking in the mirror!

Original poster
splasheeny · 01/03/2014 23:25

The blog is showing her to be self absorbed. I certainly wasn't the first to say it.

Btw the links to it are all over facebook.

OP posts:
BrianTheMole · 01/03/2014 23:25

I don't know chunky, I was pretty excited about my wedding day, but the most important things to me (aside from marrying my dh of course) were making sure the guests were happy, well fed, comfortable, and had a really good day as well. And if that meant they wanted their children there, then thats what I wanted to. I think sometimes people lose sight of that in their quest for it to be their special day and all about them. Our wedding day was about us, but it was also about the people that were celebrating with us. I wanted them to be happy, genuinely happy.

TheFabulousIdiot · 01/03/2014 23:31

Just don't get this stuff.

If you get an invite for a wedding but your child is not invited do 't take it personally.

Either you can go without the child(ren) or you can't. If you can't then politel decline.

Really it is that simple.

chunkythighs · 01/03/2014 23:48

brian You had the day you wanted-why shouldn't this couple? You had the budget and the space for all the children you wanted- maybe this couple don't. Why should they be put in such an awkward position as to reiterate that the child is not invited? Lets face it, we only have the OPs word that her daughter will be well behaved at the wedding. The bride could have witnessed other behaviours that may be leading this decision.

Would you seriously be OK with a guest that not only wanted her daughter invited (for some bizarre birthday/wedding hybrid celebration), to be a bridesmaid AND the child to be flower girl?

The OP has veered from accepting the brides decision to bitching about her. Her daughter is not the centre of the brides universe, and that is perfectly normal. However the OP has taken this personally for some unknown reason.

PurpleCrazyHorse · 02/03/2014 00:14

Decision made, sending a nice card. Put something lovely on her FB page on the day and leave it at that. Regarding the friendship, see how you feel later on. Personally I wouldn't think less of a friend not inviting DD to something, I'd take it that they wanted us there to have a nice time without her Grin

TBH I can't think of many worse things than taking DD at 4yo to a wedding.

BackforGood · 02/03/2014 00:24

I thought it was correct etiquette to call people up with children prior to sending invites and explain that you regretfully can't have their children, and understand if they can't make it.

Seriously ? Some people on MN live in a different universe from me.
Why on earth would anybody, arranging any sort of an event, phone people up to explain that they don't want you bringing along people who aren't invited ? Shock
Perhaps they should ring people with elderly parents too, as a lot of people have caring responsibilities there.
Of course, they mustn't forget to ring all the people with pets, just to tell them that they can't bring their pets. Hmm

Original poster
splasheeny · 02/03/2014 00:28

Chunky you are making things up now. I never said I wanted all those things. I am venting here, that's all. I originally posted here for opinions, but some people like you seem to like being nasty. FWIW my dd has always been well behaved around the bride, and as is evidenced by her blog post she doesn't like children full stop at weddings.

OP posts:
Original poster
splasheeny · 02/03/2014 00:30

Back because it is correct etiquette. Same as inviting the vicar and his wife to the wedding breakfast. Because not inviting children makes it hard for people to attend, and also it is better to speak to people to avoid any ambiguity about the matter.

OP posts:
BrianTheMole · 02/03/2014 00:31

Would you seriously be OK with a guest that not only wanted her daughter invited (for some bizarre birthday/wedding hybrid celebration), to be a bridesmaid AND the child to be flower girl?

Ermm, well yeah I would have been tbh. Because the only people that came to our wedding were close friends and family. We didn't do the A list, B list thing. So if a child had wanted to be a flower girl I'd have found them a cheap dress on ebay. If the mum had wanted to be a bridesmaid then that would be cool, although they would have had to looked through their wardrobe for something dressy or beg borrowed or bought themselves an ebay one. But really, if any of the guests had wanted to do that, that really would have been fine. And our budget was fairly small in terms of weddings anyway. It was under 4000 inc food, venue and clothes.

BackforGood · 02/03/2014 00:34

Of course it's not correct etiquette - you're talking nonsense now.
There isn't any ambiguity. If their name isn't on the invitation, then they are not invited. How is that unclear?

scottishmummy · 02/03/2014 00:37

If it's inconvenient politely decline.no you cannot insist (as suggested) she accomodate dd

Original poster
splasheeny · 02/03/2014 00:41

Back it is, you are talking nonsense. I suggest you look at a wedding forum, or magazine if you doubt me rather than being rude here.

I have not insisted on anything to the bride, and have certainly not mentioned being bridesmaid or dd being a flower girl. I only spoke to her to see if there was a solution, as there isn't we won't be going.

OP posts:
BrianTheMole · 02/03/2014 00:41

but some people like you seem to like being nasty.

Although I have to say chunky isn't a nasty person. In fact she's incredibly lovely. She won't know me now because of a million name changes later, but she has gone out of her way to be very kind to me in the past, and I appreciate her for that.

scottishmummy · 02/03/2014 00:45

Look,she's not obliged to accomodate your dd at her wedding.its a disappointment
Decline politely,but dont hold a grudge on it.Don't lose a good pal over this

WTFlike · 02/03/2014 00:46

Splash, I'll Paypal you a tenner for the link the the blog. I bet it's hilarious.

Original poster
splasheeny · 02/03/2014 00:52

Wtf thanks for the offer.. I don't think it would be ethical however!

Seriously though I don't want to out her (or me!).

OP posts:
Original poster
splasheeny · 02/03/2014 00:53

Pressed send too soon.. I am sure a quick google would yield lots of similar blogs (and maybe even hers).

OP posts:
WTFlike · 02/03/2014 01:03

It baffles me, this wedding shizzle. Imagine the comedown afterwards?

Enjoy your baby's birthday, it's more important.

Original poster
splasheeny · 02/03/2014 01:09

Thank you. I had a quick google and found lots of similar blogs, they all show an unhealthy obsession with a single day. (And asking for money, a big mumsnet faux pas).

I agree with you that some people focus too much on the wedding, rather than the marriage.

OP posts:
scottishmummy · 02/03/2014 01:24

Look,your daughter isn't the brides priority.youre child won't be traumatised missing a wedding

YankeeMum8 · 02/03/2014 04:53

If she was not invited (which I think is bad form if other children are going to be there, I'm of the nature it's all or nothing to avoid hurt feelings) I would simply offer your apologies and not go.

If it did come up as to why you weren't going you could in a non confrontational way (almost like you were talking about someone else ) that it was dd's birthday and even so you didn't have a child minder (said sadly) and see what happens. She might ask you to bring her, of Course she is welcome. If nothing comes forth, I'd just end on a good note and realize that once you have children everything changes.

MintyChops · 02/03/2014 05:46

Sounds like you are doing the right thing, hope your DD's birthday party is great fun.

Have googled a few of the wedding blogs; bloody hell!!!! My favourite quote from a charmless bride to be about how to decide the guest list was "We are reimagining wedding guests as units requiring 12 hours of free food and drink, which helps our tight fists make some hard decisions". Wow.