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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask if my daughter can come to the wedding?

454 replies

splasheeny · 22/02/2014 14:46

A very good friend is getting married, she was my only bridesmaid when I got married. She has moved away from me and I don't see her very often now, but we do stay in touch. I was hurt she didn't ask me to be bridesmaid, but haven't said anything.

The wedding is on the same weekend ans my dd's birthday, and in the middle of nowhere, some distance from where we live, so it will involve spending the weekend there (plus getting annual leave for travelling, something which I am not sure if will even be granted).

I am already planning my dd's birthday party for the week prior, as even if we were able to get back in time for her birthday, we wouldn't have time to plan a party the same weekend. I also don't know what we would do for childcare, and it feels mean to leave dd for her birthday. It will also cost a lot for hotel, transport, and childcare, which we could afford but would be at the expense of other things.

The wedding is not child free.

Wibu to ask if dd can come? Timing and location of the wedding really make things really difficult. I don't know if its rude to ask, would it be better to no go? I'm tempted to say could she come, she wouldn't even need a chair and can eat off my plate. AIBU?

OP posts:
Bunbaker · 22/02/2014 15:42

It's the perennial problem of child free people not understanding how difficult it is to a) Get childcare and b) it feels to leave your child/ren for a weekend.

MollyHooper · 22/02/2014 15:44

Just ring her, she's your mate!

The worst she can say is no.

SeaSickSal · 22/02/2014 15:44

I would ask, but offer to cover the cost of a meal for her and any other sundry costs for her attending.

If you explain you're going to struggle to come and offer not to leave them out of pocket I really can't see why anybody would say no.

She probably doesn't realize it will be a problem and when she knows it will be will be happy to accommodate you. I doubt she will even take you up on the offer to pay for any associated costs.

One extra child's meal is not exactly going to leave the hotel struggling to cope is it?

Cobain · 22/02/2014 15:57

I would decline on the basis of DD birthday and place the decision back on the bride and groom. I would not ask because even if they said yes in the back of my mind I would feel awkward not knowing if they really wanted to invite or I had pushed them into a corner.

tiggytape · 22/02/2014 16:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

eddielizzard · 22/02/2014 16:04

well i'd tell her that as it's your dd's birthday, would it be possible for her to come, she'll sit on your lap and you'll provide her food. therefore no extra cost to the bride. you would still be making a huge effort to go.

if she declines i would make my excuses and not go.

i'm afraid my children are more important in my book.

BelleateSebastian · 22/02/2014 16:13

Hi friend
we would love to come to your wedding but it's dd's birthday the same day and we can't leave her on her birthday, really sorry and next time you get married make sure it doesn't clash with any of our birthdays!
love from
Op

Dear Op
We didn't realise it was her birthday, please bring her, we didn't invite her originally as its family's dc only (otherwise we would be inundated with children) but we would love to see all of you.
love from
Bridetobe

OR

Dear Op
Thanks for letting us now, sorry you can't make it, hope dd has a lovely time, must catch up after the wedding.
love from
Bridetobe

There you go, sorted!!

Blu · 22/02/2014 16:14

I would just call her (not text) and explain that you are in a bit of a pickle over it, because it is her b'day and because there is no one you feel able to leave her with for the weekend, and say you'll let her know in a week or so whether or not you have found a solution.

Say 'and have a think and let me know over the next couple of days if there is any elasticity in no extra children at the wedding, because that would dissolve all my dilemmas' because then you are asking, but not putting her on the spot. And then if she doesn't tell you you can take your dd, then decline the invitation next weekend.

BrianTheMole · 22/02/2014 16:15

I would rather one of my friends asked me if they could bring their dc rather than decline the invite on the assumption that they couldn't. There is absolutely nothing wrong with asking.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 22/02/2014 16:18

I don't think there's any need to ask. Politely dco

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 22/02/2014 16:18

I don't think there's any need to ask. Politely declining and explaining why allows the B&G to change their minds if they want but without putting them under any pressure.

perfectstorm · 22/02/2014 16:19

I agree that calling her is the right thing to do. If it isn't a childfree wedding then it's probably a cost issue that has meant kids aren't asked, or a space one. Either way, if you mention it's your dd's birthday so you can't really leave her, and you appreciate it may be impossible but if your paying for her meal etc would make it easier then you'll gladly come, but otherwise sadly you can't, I think that's fair enough.

Ordinarily I'd think this was really rude, but given the bride was your own bridesmaid so you're presumably old and good friends, and it's your (very young, too) child's birthday, then I think explaining and offering to meet the costs, and then seeing what she says, is wise. I also agree you can't leave a small child alone on their birthday. And usually I have no patience with people demanding their kids get invites. This is a rather unique situation, what with the dates, I think.

BobPatSamandIgglePiggle · 22/02/2014 16:21

Hi op - has she expressly said your dd is not invited pr given a specific reason?

Do you have a partner? Are they invited?

Just a thought but is the wedding anywhere near somewhere child special - peppa pig world or somewhere? If you really want to go and your dd isnt allowed could you turn it into a birthday weekend where you nip to the wedding, dp entetains dd then you all do something birthday treat related?

HappyMummyOfOne · 22/02/2014 16:21

I'd decline too saying you dont want to miss your daughters birthday.

It the brides day and if they choose to exclude sone guests then they do on the basis that some wont go. I disagree with only inviting part of the family but brides can get very funny when planning their day.

Upto you if you ask but i personally wouldnt but then neither do i like the bringing of uninvited children to parties yet lots on MN to this and see no problem with it.

eeetheygrowupsofast · 22/02/2014 16:24

I don't actually think calling is a good idea. It puts people on the spot.

Email gives her a chance to have a think.

I do think it's rude to ask if a partner or child can come. Most people have events/work/childcare to juggle too, imagine if everyone asked. But saying that, I do see your predicament.

I'd email really nicely and say 'Oh gosh I'm so sorry but it's dd's birthday so I can't make it etc'. If she doesn't invite her then leave it at that.

bodybooboo · 22/02/2014 16:26

oh sod that. I wouldn't leave one of my kids on their birthday for a wedding.

decline and say why.

GoldenBeagle · 22/02/2014 16:50

If she is a good friend that you talk to often I would call her and chat to her about it.

I doesn't have to put her on the post at all, there are suggestions as to how to avoid that.

Or send a cheerful e mail like Belleatesebastian suggests.

Flappingandflying · 22/02/2014 17:12

Won't it be rather dull for your daughter going to a wedding (which even from an adult's view can be borring, let alone a child's where you have to be quiet and be good) on her birthday? Four is really the first birthday that they really can look forward to and enjoy and want presents and a party. Much over excitement, squeeling and world centred around 'me' not going to a really boring wedding where ok there's a nice dress but loads of borring grown ups talking...

Friendsupport · 22/02/2014 17:30

Why do people want to bring young children to non family weddings?

FamiliesShareGerms · 22/02/2014 17:35

Perhaps you could decline the invite and set out your reasons in a short poem Wink

ilovecolinfirth · 22/02/2014 17:36

I don't know what the answer is, but the same thing happened to me on my son's 2nd birthday. The invite made it clear that he wasn't invited 'thank you for understanding that children are not invited'. I declined graciously explaining we had no child care and that it was his birthday. I never heard from her again, even when I attempted to contact :( this was 3 years ago.

MyNameIsKenAdams · 22/02/2014 17:44

Well it is an invite, not a summons. Simply decide whether you want to go withoutyour dd or not at all.

If you want, pop a note in with the RSVP saying that yousadly will have to decline asiit is your dds birthday so just wouldnt feel right coming away without her.

Send a nice wedding card on the day

DeWe · 22/02/2014 17:47

I don't think it's fair to ask, if she has made it clear that she isn't invited.

From the point of view of someone who was put in that situation.
Not a wedding, but we were having a 10th anniversary evening drinks and nibbles. After long discussions we decided no children (other than our own) for the following reasons:

  1. Space: small house, everyone we were asking had at least 2 children, so we'd have had to not invite some people.
  2. Children's behaviour: some of those children were at the run round stage. We knew that if we had children we would be at risk of the food flying, and we would have a lot of mess (probably in the dc's rooms) to tidy up afterwards.
  3. 3yo was probably the youngest age, up to teenage. It was a sit around and chat over snacks, not fun for children.
  4. We didn't want to have to provide more children style snacks, or have children asking "what else is there".

That afternoon as we were getting ready, we had a phone call from one who said "I'm so looking forward to coming, but I'll have to bring the dc, as I can't find a babysitter?".
This put us in a very awkward position as in all honesty her dc had featured very highly on the number 2 and also 4. We also had the awkward situation where others commented about those children being there when they were paying out for babysitters.

If she'd sent us a quick text saying "sorry can't make it, babysitter let me down" we'd probably have said bring them, and we'd have felt generous in offering, whereas we felt painted into a corner.

What I would do in your situation is simply move your dd's birthday as party and everything is weekend before anyway. Tell her it's an official one, but I'm sure I could have persuaded any of my 3dc that was fine. But if you don't want to do that, then a polite email saying you're sorry you can't make it as you can't leave your dd that weekend means that if she is happy to invite your dd then she can without feeling under pressure.

Out of interest though, what would you have done if you had been a bridesmaid? Because you wouldn't be able to take her and be a bridesmaid unless there was someone else coming who would look after her during the ceremony.

squoosh · 22/02/2014 17:50

Nonsense. Of course it's fair to ask.

Viviennemary · 22/02/2014 17:52

The trouble is that other people probably have children than haven't been invited. And if she lets your DD come then those others might be annoyed. So I don't think it's fair to ask but you could if you want to. Just don't go if you'd rather not go with your daughter. Because this would be quite reasonable.

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