to ask if my daughter can come to the wedding?

[splasheeny]

A very good friend is getting married, she was my only bridesmaid when I got married. She has moved away from me and I don't see her very often now, but we do stay in touch. I was hurt she didn't ask me to be bridesmaid, but haven't said anything.

The wedding is on the same weekend ans my dd's birthday, and in the middle of nowhere, some distance from where we live, so it will involve spending the weekend there (plus getting annual leave for travelling, something which I am not sure if will even be granted).

I am already planning my dd's birthday party for the week prior, as even if we were able to get back in time for her birthday, we wouldn't have time to plan a party the same weekend. I also don't know what we would do for childcare, and it feels mean to leave dd for her birthday. It will also cost a lot for hotel, transport, and childcare, which we could afford but would be at the expense of other things.

The wedding is not child free.

Wibu to ask if dd can come? Timing and location of the wedding really make things really difficult. I don't know if its rude to ask, would it be better to no go? I'm tempted to say could she come, she wouldn't even need a chair and can eat off my plate. AIBU?

I honestly wouldn't be the least bit upset if this happened to me. It wouldn't cross my mind to take it personally and it wouldn't cross my mind to think she should make a special exception for my child.

I thought that originally OP you put that it was difficult to get there & you have no childcare?

If that's the case then the decision is surely made for you??

The groom may have friends with children as well and when it came down to it they had to draw a line somewhere.

I'm sorry if you're upset but numbers at weddings are limited. It isn't always the cost, it's the numbers that the venue will allow. Maybe if your DD was invited an adult friend couldn't be.

If the friendship would end over this, then it's probably run its course anyway. The only thing to do now is step back. Book your daughter's party for her actual birthday and have a great weekend with her. Send your friend a nice card. See how things go. In a few months' time, either you will feel heady to pick up the friendship again - perhaps having reassessed it will- or you will be thinking that you haven't lost much after all.

And I understand that it makes you sad to think about how the friendship has changed. But stepping back is the best way now to secure its survival, if that's what you want. If you go to the wedding you're just going to feel resentful in a whole range of ways.

I agree with chunkythighs - you are being totally irrational!!

I think you are acting quite entitled, spoilt, and precious. Also your obsession with what your daughter's role should be in this Wedding is quite odd to be honest.

Yes you love your daughter, but shock horror, that doesn't mean she's the centre of everyone else's universe too - and especially not an important factor in decisions a woman makes about her own wedding.

I think your upset within this whole thread is more about you feeling 'put out' that you aren't bridesmaid and your daughter isn't a Flower-Girl as opposed to the issue of your daughter's birthday.

If your daughter's enjoyment of her birthday was your primary concern then you would have automatically turned down the Wedding Invite - after all, why on earth would you think your daughter's idea of a fantastic is spending the day at someone's Wedding and probably being bored out of her brain???

Just accept the fact that your friend doesn't want non-related children at the Wedding which is perfectly fine, understandable and totally her choice - it is not a direct attack on you. Tell her you won't be attending as it is your daughter's birthday but you hope she has a lovely day. I'm pretty sure your friend will totally understand and I doubt very much it will "affect and ruin" the friendship.

I really think you need to chill out!!!!

Honestly? Don't go.

Book your daughter's party for the weekend of her birthday and have a lovely time.

And I would advise realising that your friendship with this woman (probably due to distance) is now on the wane.

I think you know your answer now op, don't go. You were right to ask, but she doesn't sound much of a friend to me. I would be gutted if someone I thought of as such a close friend and one of my bridesmaids behaved like this. No way would I sacrifice my daughter's birthday for someone who had shown such little consideration for me. Decline, send best wishes and enjoy your own party.

I have accepted, and told her that if it was anyone else I would just turn >down the invite, but I do want to be there and that is the reason I am >asking

Then go. Celebrate your dd's birthday the previous day or the following week. If you genuinely want to be there, you'll go without your dd. Or decline. If you're a good friend, you'll accept the bride's decision, and if you're a very good friend, you'll do what you can to be there. Your daughter's birthday can be celebrated the day before or week after, your friend's wedding can't.
You're putting pressure on your friend at a time that is probably hugely stressful for her and in this case you should put her needs before yours.

OP, I can see why you feel a bit miffed but you are totally over thinking this.

She is only having family kids there, so that means no other kids....if she makes an exception for you then it opens a whole can of worms for others who do have children.

You say your friends don't have kids but really, do you know all her friends...all her DH's friends.......course you don't. As you said in your original post she moved away and you don't see her often anymore - she has a whole life you know nothing about.

Just decline - I personally wouldn't go away on DS's birthday, it's no big deal. And really, to say she would have been godmother if you had had DD christenened is a non entity - you didn't so she isn't.

You are thinking about this as if you are only only guest and best friend but you aren't.

Wedding planning might have got to her?!?!?! What, because she hasn't given in to you? And as for "wedding fever" why the hell not? She is excited and if she wasn't then why the fuck get married.

I suspect people invite family children because it would be huge if they didn't but don't want to fork out for other children when the cost per child is probably quite a lot.

Maybe she feels if she lets you bring your DD other guests will be annoyed they couldn't bring theirs. Maybe she doesn't want to continue the friendship and thinks this is a way to make it happen.

Maybe, maybe, maybe. You will never know if there is a huge issue with not inviting your daughter so you have to think about what you do know. You decline full stop and see what happens in terms of the friendship after wards. You go alone leaving your DD with her dad and celebrate the birthday another day. If you do it the week before your child will be happy to get presents and cake early and daddy can do something else on the actual day if you felt it necessary.

I wish people would stop telling you to feel offended. Feeling offended is going to ruin your friendship on your side due to resentment, and on hers because you are putting pressure on her rather than being supportive (and being supportive CAN be about easing stress on her. You don't have to "be there", as in this case there are clashes which mean both of you have something to lose.

You don't know what pressures she's under. There's another family involved, and there may be millions of relatives, and friends with children, who need firm boundaries!

She may be telling the truth about "budget reasons", as if guest numbers balloon, they may need a different venue, meaning loss of deposit on this one, etc. And if she is lying that "budget" is her reason for not inviting DD, it could be a face-saving lie. If she's lying to a friend like you, it could be that she knows you will take any rejection of DD very personally (as you have done!).

The bridesmaid/ flowergirl thing is unreasonable on 2 counts. One, she is not obliged to you by tradition, and YOU are her friend, not DD! Two, being BM or flowergirl is actually quite an imposition, so she's inviting you to have fun, not do her the big favours that BMs do. You said you had been working long hours: could you have dedicated the time to organising a hen weekend, not to mention other duties? Not imposing that burden on you might have been kindness!

Please let her juggle family and friendship responsibilities without further pressure.

Don't go OP, really doesn't sound worth missing your daughter's birthday for. It's just a boring old wedding. Send her a lovely card and gift so she'll know you aren't being huffy.

OP Only you can tell if you think she's trying to put distance between your friendship. Maybe give that some thought. No point trying to push a friendship if the other party just isn't that bothered.

Ok, so we know:

1. Its far away and will have to stay overnight
2. Its gonna cost you a small fortune to go
3. Its your DD's birthday
4. You dont really have anyone to have her the weekend
5. You might not even get leave to go

I just wouldnt go, its alot of hassle, if she was really a good friend then she'd understand the issue around going to the wedding. Suggest you meet up afterwards so you can enjoy the wedding pictures.

It sounded like you actually had a good solid friendship there for a while:

You got an invite you weren't happy with
You courted advice before approaching the friend so as not to offend her
You rang the friend and asked if you could have your way at her wedding
Your friend said sorry it's not possible

Then it all fell apart

Instead of accepting her decision you turn into guestzilla or friendzilla and start coming up with reasons in your opinion she is being unreasonable and your way should be the only way for her special day regardless of her own wishes/feelings/choices/budgets.

Having read the entire thread I can not begin to imagine what high maintenance you would have been as a bridesmaid and am starting to feel rather sorry for the bride.

On another note do most 4 year olds not celebrate their birthdays and have their parties on a weekend rather than the day that it falls? Genuine question as my Godchildren and Nephew all do!

Some years ago I was invited to my cousin's wedding without my DC. When we arrived I was a bit shocked to see that a mutual friend was there with her DC, whereas mine (who were similar age) had been excluded and I was a first cousin so close family. I asked another friend, who also had young DC, why the friend's children were there and it turned out the friend had nagged the bride so much and so often about how difficult it was to get a babysitter that she had given up saying no to this friend about no children at the wedding! There were no other children at the wedding.

Please don't make this into a huge issue with your friend as she will be under enough pressure with her wedding.

Your DD is the priority here so enjoy her birthday weekend and don't go to the wedding. It really is a no brainer now that you've spoken to your friend.

No, kids generally celebrate their birthday on their birthday.

Well, in my house we have cake and grandparents on the day where possible and a party for friends on the weekend if happening so we do both sometimes. "Celebrate"` is all relative.

Thanks Sqoosh my nephew turns 3 in March but his party is on a Saturday i just asked dsis why and she said the logistics of hiring the hall and having 25 tired 3 yos was too daunting combined with working mums and with kids of school age having to drop and collect them midweek making it painful so it's obviously the lazy way out!

I feel a bit sad for you splasy.
I suspect you're thinking about what you'd do in her shoes; invite you & have DD as flower girl etc.
But of course she's not you and is doing things her way.
I'd go to the wedding & have a blast having had DDs party beforehand. You're obviously very fond of this friend and you might regret not going.
Chalk in down to experience.

Uh... I'm ever so sorry but what kind of best friend demands that you choose between attending her fancy pants wedding and your small child's birthday?

I would absolutely decline the invite. Your daughter is more important. A wedding is not the same as your child's birthday. There is no contest as to which is more important. She will only ever turn 4 once. And if she doesn't/can't understand that, then sadly, perhaps your friendship needs reassessing.

Send your reply and wish her all the best.

I think it was fine to ask and I would have done the same. It's important that she knows that you really wanted to go to allow her the chance the invite DD.
I don't think there's a right or wrong answer. Choose what will make you happiest. Go without DD or miss the wedding and just enjoy the birthday.

vinotime the bride isn't demanding anything it's the OP who thinks it's her DD that should get an invite to the wedding.

Unfortunately for whatever reason it doesnt mean as much to the bride to have the OP at the wedding as to invite the DC. The bride is obviously perfectly willing to accept that not everyone, OP included, will be able to attend on the day for whatever reason and this is a compromise the bride is happy with to have only those she really wants to attend invited.

Life is hard but some friendships obviously mean more to one of the friends than the other and part of what makes us drawn to people or not is how they react in any given situation.

I say good on the bride for not being emotionally blackmailed into have a none family child at a none family child wedding just to please someone else!

Personally I wouldn't go, but I am at a different stage in my life, and all my good friends are married. So my situation is different to yours. I do have DC the same age though. If you really would like to be there, why don't you tell your dd her birthday is a different day and celebrate it all on that day? I have a friend who did that because they were on holiday and she didn't want to carry around presents, and whatever other reasons she had. Her child never knew. When all your friends are child free apart from you I can imagine it's hard, and that they really don't get it. At the end of the day do what feels best for you.