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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask if my daughter can come to the wedding?

454 replies

splasheeny · 22/02/2014 14:46

A very good friend is getting married, she was my only bridesmaid when I got married. She has moved away from me and I don't see her very often now, but we do stay in touch. I was hurt she didn't ask me to be bridesmaid, but haven't said anything.

The wedding is on the same weekend ans my dd's birthday, and in the middle of nowhere, some distance from where we live, so it will involve spending the weekend there (plus getting annual leave for travelling, something which I am not sure if will even be granted).

I am already planning my dd's birthday party for the week prior, as even if we were able to get back in time for her birthday, we wouldn't have time to plan a party the same weekend. I also don't know what we would do for childcare, and it feels mean to leave dd for her birthday. It will also cost a lot for hotel, transport, and childcare, which we could afford but would be at the expense of other things.

The wedding is not child free.

Wibu to ask if dd can come? Timing and location of the wedding really make things really difficult. I don't know if its rude to ask, would it be better to no go? I'm tempted to say could she come, she wouldn't even need a chair and can eat off my plate. AIBU?

OP posts:
eddielizzard · 26/02/2014 11:56

yes, i agree you've handled it well.

Yama · 26/02/2014 16:50

Well done Spasheeny. The right decision.

Peekingduck · 26/02/2014 17:13

You see, I wouldn't say "due to the circumstances", even that is a bit of a dig. Just write and say you can't be there on the day but will be thinking of them on their special day. Wish them all the very best and tell them you will look forward to hearing all about it when you see them.

apermanentheadache · 26/02/2014 20:14

Good on you. I reckon you made a good decision.

Original poster
splasheeny · 27/02/2014 07:54

Peeking duck I wont write those exact words but will be honest and say I can't leave dd on her birthday, and don't have childcare. She may not understand this at the moment, but when she has children she will do. Of course I will write a nice letter.

OP posts:
sunshinemmum · 27/02/2014 07:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

YouAreTalkingRubbish · 27/02/2014 09:04

Splash. I wouldn't say that unless you definitely want to end the friendship. If you want to end the friendship why don't you quietly drop her. I don't see what is to be gained by sending anything other than a pleasant card.

OwlinaTree · 27/02/2014 09:31

There is nothing worse then people saying to the childless 'when you have children you'll understand' even though it is probably true.

Be careful how you phrase it in the letter!

Original poster
splasheeny · 27/02/2014 09:58

Okay this isn't clear, the part about not understanding I wasn't going to write! I'm just saying that here.

I will just send a nice letter saying I would like to be there but unfortunately can't due to childcare and dd's birthday. Wishing all the best etc. Nothing controversial!

OP posts:
Somersetlady · 27/02/2014 10:27

If you need DP to drive you i still dont see why you cant go if you really wanted to and take DD then do something lovely with DD and DP on the day itself and attend the evening part alone then do something lovely again with DD perhaps on the way home on the Sunday?

Surely this would meet you i want to go to the wedding amd i want to soend dDs birthday with her all in one?

DD is likely to always remember her little adventure!

Original poster
splasheeny · 01/03/2014 19:52

Somerset I do really want to attend, but what you suggested wouldn't really be practical or fair on dd or dh. This isn't an area with anything local for children.

Probably the only way I could go would be if someone gave me a lift, and I went alone, leaving dd with dh, but missing her birthday.

I looked through her wedding blog out of interest and she has put a whole entry about how she doesn't want toddlers having tantrums or babies crying, and how she would expect children to ruin the day but she has to have family ones. I'm a bit surprised as I thought she liked children, but oh well.

OP posts:
BusinessUnusual · 01/03/2014 20:00

Wow, she may find a lot of family with children cancel if they read that!

Bearbehind · 01/03/2014 20:08

splash, don't worry about it, anyone who is self absorbed enough to have a wedding blog (unless they are a professional blogger), has their head so far up their own arse that they won't even notice if you are there or not.

FabBakerGirl · 01/03/2014 20:19

We sure aren't a child loving country are we Sad?

At our wedding the youngest child was 7 ish I think and he was perfectly behaved and even if he hadn't have been it wouldn't have mattered. Things weren't quite as we would have wanted on the day but really it doesn't matter as all that really matters is marrying the person you love.

To my shame the only thing I did do which was wrong was seat the only family with younger children right at the end of the table away from us.

Original poster
splasheeny · 01/03/2014 20:42

Bakergirl you are right.

I have family in Israel and they recoil in horror at the idea if a child free wedding (or child free anything for that matter). Children are a key part of the culture, and are welcomed everywhere. I would move there if we could afford it!

It seems that this wedding has made her rather self absorbed I agree. She is not normally like this.

OP posts:
pluCaChange · 01/03/2014 21:25

Not necessarily "self-absorbed." Maybe she wrote that for a damned good reason! We had children at our wedding, but I respect people's right to do it differently. You're just looking for excuses to dislike her now.

Original poster
splasheeny · 01/03/2014 21:28

Lol Plu I have said I don't dislike her. Not inviting children is one thing, but writing a blog entry about how terrible it would be to have children is another.

I thought it was correct etiquette to call people up with children prior to sending invites and explain that you regretfully can't have their children, and understand if they can't make it.

OP posts:
EverythingCounts · 01/03/2014 21:31

Like BearBehind I'm Hmm at the wedding blog. I don't imagine her family will be thrilled to read that their children are only there under sufferance either!

OP, I will bet that in one of life's wonderfully ironic twists, she will have a child further down the line and will then become one of the most precious mamas you could ever meet.

Original poster
splasheeny · 01/03/2014 21:34

Everything you are probably right. She says she wants children soon too. It doesn't quite fit together.

OP posts:
Pobblewhohasnotoes · 01/03/2014 21:38

OP, I had a child free wedding. I work with children, I see them everyday and I wanted just one day child free. I told my friends a good year in advance. Does that make me self absorbed?

Seriously OP, this wedding doesn't revolve around you. If you want to spend the day celebrating your DD's birthday, then do so. If you want to go to the wedding and celebrate it the next day then do so. It doesn't have to be this hard.

Wedding blogs, I don't get. No-one cares that much.

dementedmumof6 · 01/03/2014 21:48

I can understand the no children thing, when my stbxh and I got married we took 2 friends as witnesses (had family dynamics to avoid ) and did it in quite a famous place for weddings that is open to the public.

Where a couple with a 2children one a toddler one older stood and watched, and all you can hear in the wedding video is the toddler screaming its head off and the elder child asking repeatedly whats happening and instead of moving on they stayed for the entire ceremony and that was just 2 children so hate to think how much noise a number of children would have made.

francesdrake · 01/03/2014 21:51

The last three weddings I've been to, I've missed the vows completely because of children crying or talking or singing through them. All the way through them. Perfectly behaved children at weddings are a delight; badly parented ones can really wreck the one truly significant moment in the whole day. Unfortunately there's no way of only inviting perfectly behaved children, and maybe there are lots of rowdy ones on the other side. Plus, people who don't have children haven't developed that low-level tolerance for background noise that parents often have. I don't think it's 'self-absorbed' to want to ensure the attention's on the wedding ceremony, rather than on crowd control. I can't remember ever being invited to family weddings until I was well over ten, and even then we were read the Riot Act about making any noise at all until we were at the reception.

perfectstorm · 01/03/2014 21:53

The last three weddings I've been to, I've missed the vows completely because of children crying or talking or singing through them.

I missed the bloody vows at my son's godfather's wedding because he started getting fractious, and so I took him straight out. Had sat by the doors for that reason.

Parents who don't do the job title over really important stuff (and IMO, this is) annoy me.

perfectstorm · 01/03/2014 21:53

Er, DS got fractious. Not his godfather. That would have been a wedding to remember.

SybilRamkin · 01/03/2014 21:53

I've just read this entire thread - OP you sound like a nightmare wedding guest, and I bet the bride wishes she'd never invited you!

It's not your wedding, you don't get to decide on the guest list - inviting lots of kids to a wedding = chaos. Some couples might be happy to accept this, but a lot would prefer their special day to be a more adult celebration, and since they're probably paying through the nose for it, their word goes!

"I think the obsession with the wedding may be getting to her a bit."
OMG, I cannot believe you wrote this - it's her bloody wedding day, she can choose whom she invites!

Politely decline the invitation, send a card, spend the day with your DD.

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