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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask if my daughter can come to the wedding?

454 replies

splasheeny · 22/02/2014 14:46

A very good friend is getting married, she was my only bridesmaid when I got married. She has moved away from me and I don't see her very often now, but we do stay in touch. I was hurt she didn't ask me to be bridesmaid, but haven't said anything.

The wedding is on the same weekend ans my dd's birthday, and in the middle of nowhere, some distance from where we live, so it will involve spending the weekend there (plus getting annual leave for travelling, something which I am not sure if will even be granted).

I am already planning my dd's birthday party for the week prior, as even if we were able to get back in time for her birthday, we wouldn't have time to plan a party the same weekend. I also don't know what we would do for childcare, and it feels mean to leave dd for her birthday. It will also cost a lot for hotel, transport, and childcare, which we could afford but would be at the expense of other things.

The wedding is not child free.

Wibu to ask if dd can come? Timing and location of the wedding really make things really difficult. I don't know if its rude to ask, would it be better to no go? I'm tempted to say could she come, she wouldn't even need a chair and can eat off my plate. AIBU?

OP posts:
Idocrazythings · 25/02/2014 15:15

I would say vino the type of friend who is young, and doesn't understand about having children and that it isn't easy to just leave them behind. Perhaps in a few years time when the bride has children she will realise the pressure she has put OP under.

Nanny0gg · 25/02/2014 15:19

I would say vino the type of friend who is young, and doesn't understand about having children and that it isn't easy to just leave them behind. Perhaps in a few years time when the bride has children she will realise the pressure she has put OP under.

What pressure?

She picked the date she and her OH wanted for their wedding. I doubt they could take into consideration the birthdates of all their potential guests.
They sent invitations to those they wanted to attend.
The guests either go or they don't.

No pressure.

diddl · 25/02/2014 15:21

How is OP under pressure??

Her daughter isn't invited & she either goes or not!

She has already said the place is difficult to get to, she might not get annual leave, childcare is a problem!

So it may have been a no even if daughter was invited!

savingupforanother · 25/02/2014 16:19

Only partly on topic, but I am always put off by people who have their weddings in hard-to-get-to places that are hours away from where they and many of the guests live. That tells you straight off that the venue is more important to them than the guests, and is often a sign that they aren't bothered how difficult it might be for some guests to attend.

oranges · 25/02/2014 16:22

"so it's obviously the lazy way out!" to have a kids birthday party at the closest weekend?? christ, the level of judginess over every miniscule thing is unbelievable.

eddielizzard · 25/02/2014 17:29

well for me, i'd find it very hard to choose between a close friend's wedding and my dd's birthday.

do you reckon you could celebrate her birthday as if it were really the week before? would she be any the wiser?

innisglas · 25/02/2014 17:30

Well have you talked to your friend yet?

squoosh · 25/02/2014 17:31

Yes she did talk to her.

BusinessUnusual · 25/02/2014 18:49

Always have parties for a DC at the weekend, as does every other parent I know!

Oriunda · 25/02/2014 19:46

You may have been very good friends in the past, but time, distance and circumstances mean that you are just friends now, or even old friends. At least I guess that's how the bride sees it. If you just 'stay in touch' then it's likely she has closer friends now who she sees every week.

I don't think it's fair to criticise her for not inviting your DD. You're an old friend; she'd love to see you there but has clearly stated her reasons for not inviting non-family children. She can't make an exception for you. She may have other, closer, friends that she's also said 'no' to.

likeneverbefore · 25/02/2014 20:06

My DS' birthday is in the middle of August and I always have his parties in July before term ends, to whoever said doing it at the weekend was lazy!

What does that make me??!

Oriunda · 25/02/2014 20:15

My DS' birthday was during half term week this year. If this happens when he's older and I'm planning a party, it will be held the week before or after. No point having a party if no one is around!

Original poster
splasheeny · 25/02/2014 21:37

I understand that why you would want to move a party to the nearest time when people can make it, but surely everyone does a family celebration on the actual day if this is the case? We have always done a special day for her on her birthday, even if it has been a weekday.

This year its a weekend so we were planning on a big party in her actual birthday.

OP posts:
Peekingduck · 25/02/2014 21:40

Op, seriously, just send a letter with very good wishes and decline.

pluCaChange · 25/02/2014 21:57

This year its a weekend so we were planning on a big party in her actual birthday.

Well, there you go! Smile

She won't be offended if you don't go, and you won't resent her if you're not "there" while missing your DD, wondering about the childcare, etc.

It really ought to be that easy.

BackforGood · 25/02/2014 22:25

No Splash - and my dc have had 44 birthdays between them so far, before I start counting nieces, nephews, God Children, random friends - that's quite a lot of experience of birthdays.
Every family does what works for them. There's no compulsion to make a big 'thing' of the particular day, if there is some reason why it's difficult. I can tell you aren't either a Christmas Day or August birthday Wink.
With work, and school and life in general, I'm fairly certain it's normal to wake up and open a couple of presents from Mum and Dad before work/school, on the actual day and then hold any celebrations at a time that people can get to them.
My dc have often, over the years, managed to wangle themselves 3 "birthdays" this way.... the actual day, 'tea party' with Grandparents and maybe the odd Aunty/Uncle one weekend, and then 'friends party' maybe a week or two later. It really does make sense if your dc's birthday is in a holiday/near Christmas/right at the start of the Summer Term/During exam time / etc. No point inholding a party if people can't get there.

EverythingCounts · 26/02/2014 08:26

Exactly BackForGood. I have only ever once known of a child's birthday party not being on a weekend, and even then it was on a Friday at the end of the school week. A weekday party would be much more rushed and difficult for people to get to.

Oriunda · 26/02/2014 08:28

Actual day of DS birthday, DH and I took out to play centre (he's not at school yet). Friday he had a small playdate party with his friends that weren't at nursery that day. Sunday he had the family party with grandparents, aunts and uncles, cousins etc.

Once your DD starts school next year (?) if her birthday falls on a school day you won't be able to take her out of school to have a special day.

poopadoop · 26/02/2014 08:34

You know OP, I think as others have suggested, it would be a good idea to put your friend's feelings first without speculating overly much as to why she hasn't invited your daughter. You can be a good friend to her by not putting her under pressure. Try not to be too upset or fall out with her, as otherwise, you'll become even more distant from her, and it will annoy you every time you think back to your own wedding.

In terms of going or not going, only you can decide, but if you do go, do it with good grace and w/o resentment. As everyone has said, you can celebrate your dd's birthday on another day, it really isn't that big a deal.

YouAreTalkingRubbish · 26/02/2014 09:03

I guess the wedding is on the Saturday and your DDs birthday is on the Sunday? If you went to the wedding alone and left your DH and your DD at home to prepare for the party is there a reason why you can't get up early on the Sunday morning and get home by midday in plenty of time to celebrate your DDs party?

Helltotheno · 26/02/2014 09:08

The birthday is a red herring here though innit.
OP you're miffed about a number of different things, just admit that to yourself and to everyone else. At the back of it all, you're not happy with the way this has played out and I definitely think you should act accordingly and just say it doesn't suit.

In the great scheme of things, your DD will not be on speed dial to the shrink over not having her 4th birthday party on a particular day, or indeed not having it at all... but as I said, that's not the point. Don't use the party as an excuse, just decline the invite and wish your mate the best.

FutTheShuckUp · 26/02/2014 09:14

Christ what a drama. If you'd have said in the first place 'I'm sorry but it's DDs birthday' you could have avoided all this. She'd have let you know whether DD was welcome (she isn't) and then you've let her know why you can't/don't want to go.
If you decline now it will look like you are being arsey about DD not being invited. Far too much navel gazing around it all- go or decline.

Original poster
splasheeny · 26/02/2014 09:42

Lol back, I do have an august birthday, and I would still be disappointed if I didn't do something on my birthday.

The birthday isnt a red herring, I do feel guilty about the hours I work, and couldn't miss my daughter's birthday too. Also childcare is an issue. If it was somewhere easy to get to we could sort something out for the evening, but this will be at least overnight.

I can't go along as dp will need to drive. The location would make it impossible to get to by public transport (the bride has said this herself).

I will send a nice letter saying I am very sad not to be there bit just can't make it due to the circumstances.

I think I have done the right thing talking to her as at least now I have tried everything to be able to attend.

OP posts:
Helltotheno · 26/02/2014 09:53

Good for you, that's the right decision.

While I'm totally in favour of people doing what suits them for their weddings, they should do it in the knowledge that guests can't be expected to tie themselves in knots either.

You never know, she might realise she wants you there no matter what and have a change of heart. But you've done all you can in the meantime.

ToffeeOwnsTheSausage · 26/02/2014 11:49

I am sure you are disappointed not to be bridesmaid or have the chance to show off your DD as flower girl but the bride wants what she wants and right now it isn't the above.

When you send the card declining do make sure you are gracious and don't write anything that could come across as all about you.