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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask if my daughter can come to the wedding?

454 replies

splasheeny · 22/02/2014 14:46

A very good friend is getting married, she was my only bridesmaid when I got married. She has moved away from me and I don't see her very often now, but we do stay in touch. I was hurt she didn't ask me to be bridesmaid, but haven't said anything.

The wedding is on the same weekend ans my dd's birthday, and in the middle of nowhere, some distance from where we live, so it will involve spending the weekend there (plus getting annual leave for travelling, something which I am not sure if will even be granted).

I am already planning my dd's birthday party for the week prior, as even if we were able to get back in time for her birthday, we wouldn't have time to plan a party the same weekend. I also don't know what we would do for childcare, and it feels mean to leave dd for her birthday. It will also cost a lot for hotel, transport, and childcare, which we could afford but would be at the expense of other things.

The wedding is not child free.

Wibu to ask if dd can come? Timing and location of the wedding really make things really difficult. I don't know if its rude to ask, would it be better to no go? I'm tempted to say could she come, she wouldn't even need a chair and can eat off my plate. AIBU?

OP posts:
BackforGood · 24/02/2014 22:24

But equally, "as a good friend", surely you should be respecting her choices on her big day - not sure why it's the host that is supposed to be changing her mind Confused

likeneverbefore · 24/02/2014 22:25

Did she argue with you over the details of your wedding day, splash? Or did she just wear what you asked her to/do as she was asked to etc etc?

I'm not being sarcastic, just trying to see things from the other side.

expatinscotland · 24/02/2014 22:26

Book your daughter's party on her birthday. Decline the wedding. Sorted. You have your answer.

cerealqueen · 24/02/2014 22:27

I agree with PansOnFire - put your daughter first, bottom line is you feel slighted, justly so, so why in those circumstances you feel obliged attend this wedding, and on your daughter's birthday too, is beyond me.

Original poster
splasheeny · 24/02/2014 22:27

Hello I agree this is souring our friendship for me, and am very inclined not to go, but I worry that not going in itself would ruin our friendship.

Back maybe because in these circumstances it would have been the decent thing to do for her to include dd. I realize that she has wedding fever now though.

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 24/02/2014 22:29

Why? You might not get the leave, it's costing you a bomb and it means missing your DD's birthday. No 'friend' is worth this.

Sorry, I won't be able to come along.

tiredandsadmum · 24/02/2014 22:31

one of my good friends got married for the 3rd time a couple of years ago. I was told the wedding was child-free except for hers, so DS wasnt invited but "D"H was. It was a bad time for me - DH (now ex) was just leaving, following discovery of an affair, so I was expecting a little more support from her.

I was Ok about it all until I got to the wedding reception (very few people invited to the actual wedding) and found 11 children (from mostly neighbours and local friends). That did upset me for some time.

In your situation, I would probably politely decline, send a decent present, and arrange a proper celebration get together after the wedding , so it is clear that you are really happy for her but that logistics just couldn't work for you being there on the day.

likeneverbefore · 24/02/2014 22:33

Do I remember you starting a thread about being disappointed to not be a bridesmaid? Apologies if that wasn't you, but the DD birthday thing is ringing a bell now.

I think you need to accept that the two of you aren't as close as you thought you were right now. Maybe that will improve in the future, but I would not waste time, money and effort and a weekend away on my DC birthday for this.

Realistically you'd barely see her on the day anyway.

Original poster
splasheeny · 24/02/2014 22:34

Expat you are right, but at the same time I hear some people saying that if I was a good enough friend I would go. Tbh I think she has shown that she doesn't see me as such a good friend.

OP posts:
YouAreTalkingRubbish · 24/02/2014 22:36

If you are taking offence at the bride not inviting your DD then I think it would be unfair on the bride if you went to the wedding. Sad I wouldn't have wanted people at my wedding who were pissed off with me.

I had a small family wedding and none of the guests had kids so this wasn't an issue for me but I imagine that I wouldn't want kids other than family members at a wedding.

chunkythighs · 24/02/2014 22:37

OP- You're being a total guestzilla!

*She was my bridesmaid- I should be hers!
*My PFB is not invited
*My PFB should be flower girl
*She's only inviting family children- I want her to make an exception for my PFB
*I asked her to make an exception for PFB
*I am taking it personally that she's excluding my PFB

Why are you trying to make this poor girls wedding about you? As I said upthread- go or don't go. But for the love of God, don't take it as some personal slight to you and your PFB. The birthday and childcare issues may (quite rightly) be a big issue in your life- she (quite rightly) has other matters to be concerning herself with.

I'm speaking as a single parent who has often turned down some pretty fantastic nights/days out because of my personal situation. It is quite literally my problem to deal with.

Jux · 24/02/2014 22:38

I think your friendship is over, tbh, or at least would benefit from a good long break.

If you go, you will have to leave dd for two days, if not longer, on her 4th birthday. (She will remember, btw, she really will.) You will fell differently about your friend for having to leave dd for so long at one of the most important days of the year for her. Nothing will tell her more strongly that she is not very important to you.

If you don't go, your friend may - may - hold it against you.

Either way, the friendship will ot be the same.

Personally, I would have the best party and day possible for dd. when bride posts pix of her wedding counter it with pix of dd's birthday.

expatinscotland · 24/02/2014 22:39

It's a poxy wedding, splash, not going to visit her on her deathbed.

She made it a logistical nightmare.

likeneverbefore · 24/02/2014 22:40

Yes, exactly what expat said.

Supercosy · 24/02/2014 22:41

I don't think I could leave my Dd on her birthday either, especially when she was 4, but even now that she is a little older.

Yama · 24/02/2014 22:42

I wouldn't go.

I would move dd's party to that day and save a lot of money and hassle.

tiggytape · 24/02/2014 22:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

tunnocksteacake · 24/02/2014 22:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Inertia · 24/02/2014 22:47

What Expat said.

She's not that bothered whether you go, because otherwise she'd be bending over backwards to make allowances for your DD.

Your DD, on the other hand, will probably be very bothered if her birthday gets cancelled because her parents are at the wedding of someone who will barely notice them.

Original poster
splasheeny · 24/02/2014 22:49

Tiggy there aren't other children, certainly not in our friendship group. I am at an age where friends don't have children.

I'm saying I'm upset here as a way to vent. I havent said like that to her.

OP posts:
BackforGood · 24/02/2014 22:51

But, Splash - what on earth makes you think it's "the decent thing" ?
I totally agree with chunkythighs.
When you have children, you have decisions to take about if you want to seek out sitters; or go to a 'do' on your own and leave your dh with your child(ren); or turn the invitation down - all perfectly good options, but they are your choices. The bride has decided what she wants to do for her wedding, and now it's up to you to make one choice from those available. You were so rude to put her on the spot by asking her, but it's done now, and you are still in the position of making the same decision, but have made yourself look like (and I've not seen the word before, but rather like it) a guestzilla. You have 3 options, and it's for you to make, not to make it about the bride.
Everybody who is a parent (and, to be honest, even before we were all parents to a lesser extent) makes decisions about how much they are willing to inconvenience themselves to get to a social 'do'. It gets harder when you are a parent, but it's still a case of balancing how much you want to be there against how difficult it's going to be.

The good news is, in about 15 yrs time, it starts getting a lot easier again and your social life resumes more easily.

HellomynameisIcklePickle · 24/02/2014 22:58

I totally understand why you're upset, I would be too.

But you can only see this from your point of view and I think you would dearly love your friend to see it from your side, and invite your daughter.

But you can only change yourself, not other people. Change your mindset to "not going", and then stop letting this suck your happiness.

Supercosy · 24/02/2014 23:04

I don't think you were rude at all. Jeez, this is her good friend. I would hope my friends could be honest and open with me and I with them. All OP said really was "it's going to be hard for me to come without Dd" rather than simply turning the invite down and risking the bride saying later down the line "you should've said...we could've sorted something out". I'm sure the bride hasn't combusted, it's hardly an unexpected question in such circumstances.

They are now both much clearer about the situation and OP can make her decision.

ChasedByBees · 24/02/2014 23:05

I just wouldn't go. It doesn't have to be the end of your friendship, it's just going to be logistically difficult to go. Be with your DD on her birthday.

TheDoctrineOfSnatch · 24/02/2014 23:05

OP, the groom may have friends with children.

Sovery, hotel venues will not let you squeeze in a chair and feed an extra guest from your plate. They will charge.

I don't see why you think your friend will be pissedoff if you decline - you have a very sensible reason. What I would do if I were you is either decline or take DD to the hotel and let your DH take her out and you all go for a trip the next day.