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Original poster

Maintenance and OH ex...

176 replies

Weathergames · 20/02/2014 20:46

Have NC as this may out me.

Been with OH 4/5 yrs we both have DC. None together. OH in forces when not away we have his DC every other weekend (unless his ex arranges other things to do with DC Hmm another thread).

He pays what I consider generous maintenance (more than my ex pays for my two) and drives over 1000 mile round trip every time we have his DC (he is based at opposite end of country to where his ex moved when she left him). Costing us prob £400 a month.

We also buy shoes, uniform, other things when we see they need them and he's paid for swimming lessons, school trips etc.

Ex will also get 1/2 his payout when he leaves forces (they were married 3 yrs he has been in 25).

She has asked for more maintenance (she gets £350 a month, works and receives housing benefit, tax credits). OH cannot afford to pay more as he contributes to our home here (where he brings his DC) pays for petrol, and for his room on base.

If she goes to the CSA he will prob have to pay more as petrol and other thinfs mentioned above are not taken into consideration.

I have said to him maybe offer £400 and appeal to the better side of her nature and explain about the petrol etc taking a softly softly approach. I am pretty sure she wants £500. I have said to contribute less here to afford it.

He says that won't work (they are both incredibly stubborn hence the divorce) she is to be fair quite materialistic and terrible with money (and the kids are always in falling apart clothes while she often wears labels - not that it is any of our business what she spends her money on) and has gone ballistic says he is going to dig his heels in and refuse to have the kids more than once a month and generally dick her around (trying to get through to him you will also be dicking your kids around :( ).

I am hoping it is his rage talking as I can only see the kids losing here (on what is atm a very stable happy arrangement for them). Please can someone suggest how I might support/advise him so we can compromise without him walking away from his DC or his DC being placed in the middle of a battle zone.

TIA.

OP posts:
PartyPoison · 21/02/2014 09:16

Sorry Weathergames if my post came across wrong. I don't think he should leave his job but I was just trying to point out it's often not easy to leave the forces even if another job is suitable or on the same sort of pay.

The pension and lump sum is a massive factor. I know it keeps my dh going when he is having a particular shit time and is tempted.

When he is away, I've had people say to me "why doesn't he just leave and he'll see his family more" it's very annoying!

Original poster
Weathergames · 21/02/2014 09:18

Yes - not to mention the fact they are institutionalised and it's a very scary move for them - esp with current job market.

OP posts:
Peacesword · 21/02/2014 09:40

So he doesn't drive hundreds of miles for contact, he would do that anyway as his home is with you - he just works a very long way from where he lives.

That is possibly why his ex doesn't seem to be taking into account the cost of petrol. And she possibly thinks that him paying two lots of accommodation costs is his choice and why he's in debt?

Original poster
Weathergames · 21/02/2014 09:43

He drives hundreds of miles for contact - 800
extra each weekend we have them Hmm

OP posts:
HercShipwright · 21/02/2014 09:46

Several people are suggesting the OPs DO should 'get the train' from what I assume is the very tip of Scotland to Devon. Apart from the fact that there are no proper trains in most of Devon right now, and won't be for god knows how long, a train journey from Edinburgh to Devon takes about 8-9 hours. Maybe more. Family rail cards are indeed a wonderful thing that make travel pretty cheap. They don't unfortunately make traveling to and from Devon any more convenient. It's almost always quicker to drive.

TheDoctrineOfSnatch · 21/02/2014 09:51

So OP lives at town A which is 300 miles from DP's base and 200 miles from Devon.

So DP drives 300 miles to OP, then a further 200 miles to Devon, picks up kids, brings back to OP, has weekend, takes kids back to Devon, drives back to Scotland.

So if ex had stayed in Scotland, presumably DP would have stayed on base on contact weekends and not taken kids to OP, or would have driven 300 miles with kids each way but at least would have been at yhr same start point.

So yes there has been extra travel required by the move of the ex.

Peacesword · 21/02/2014 09:58

I might get a better handle on it if I had place names, I can't seem to get the picture in my head! Not that I'm asking you to say though.

Original poster
Weathergames · 21/02/2014 10:00

Oh is based 500 miles away from me and his DC live a further 200 in the opposite direction further south than me.

She can live where she wants but the reality is we are responsible for the expense, travel and organisation of getting them to us.

OP posts:
Peacesword · 21/02/2014 11:01

Ah thanks, got it now.

IneedAwittierNickname · 21/02/2014 11:07

I wish you were my exs dp. You sound lovely!

coalscuttle · 21/02/2014 11:46

I still think her choosing to move is a red herring. I left my xh and moved myself and my ds 100+ miles away. But that's because I went "home" . Why should she stay in the arse end of Scotland if it is not her home, just because he is on a four year posting there? What would happen when he is drafted again? Is she expected to follow him round the country so his travelling expenses don't mount up? I think you need to stop blaming the travelling on her move and put the blame on his job. And you do not sound like you like her at all.

Original poster
Weathergames · 21/02/2014 11:49

I haven't actually complained about her moving ....

OP posts:
Original poster
Weathergames · 21/02/2014 11:58

I do like her - not that bears any relevance on this situation at all - I do not need to like her it's a bonus that I do - my focus is the children.

OP posts:
ReadyToPopAndFresh · 21/02/2014 12:00

I always read Step parenting threads where the OP is being hideously unreasonable..and everyone who says so is immediately jumped on and told it's because "people hate stepparents" apparently.

And I am always Hmm

This is maybe the first time where I can honestly say the OP is being a fucking saint. And she really is getting a load of abuse presumably just because she is a step parent.

PikaAchooo · 21/02/2014 12:03

Ready I'm the same. I am rarely on the SP side purely because they are normally being unreasonable. I think the OP has been perfectly reasonable and has all the children's best in interests at heart

TheDoctrineOfSnatch · 21/02/2014 12:14

I didn't mean to blame her for moving, sorry if I gave that impression. I just meant the fact she had moved (rather than, say, her ex moving ) made it seem more unreasonable that she wasn't giving any weight to her ex's travel time and costs.

YoureBeingASillyBilly · 21/02/2014 15:35

Just want to point out that when i said leaving his job was an option, (i know op said he isn going to that) i didnt say it was an easy option- all options have pros and cons.

Btw- before we separated we had plans in place for us to move to england. had i done so and then we split up i'd sure as hell move myself and my dcs back to NI where everyone and everything my dcs and I knew were. Exp would have had to fly back for contact just as he had before we'd moved.

bluntasabullet · 23/02/2014 13:48

"We also buy shoes, uniform, other things when we see they need them and he's paid for swimming lessons, school trips"

Your H shouldn't be doing this. That is what the Child Maintenence is for, it's his own fault for paying for these when he shouldn't.

As for threatening to stop seeing his kids, what an arse!!

Philoslothy · 23/02/2014 17:48

Why on earth shouldn't he, parenting isn't about just doing wat you have to. Rather than being criticized he should be praised.

FloralPuddles · 23/02/2014 18:55

I I just want to point out like a couple of others that the EX and the ops partner were obviously together a lot longer than the 3 years married.

Also, when they split up, did she head back to where she is from? Where she had ties and support? That might account for the long journey he has to do, it's hardly her fault for not wanting to set up home where he is posted, for now. Yes it may be nice of her to offer to go halves with the petrol / travel costs but in no way should she have to - he works / lives there, that's not really her problem unfortunately.

FloralPuddles · 23/02/2014 18:59

Sorry, I've just seen others said the same as me.

PikaAchooo · 23/02/2014 19:02

Really? She moved thus creating the problem.

And if it ever went to court it would be shared driving or shared cost.

I accept it is unfair to blame her for a move most likely to be closer to family, however she should shoulder some responsibility in the expense of visits.

fifi669 · 23/02/2014 23:12

Actually costs incurred maintaining contact are taken into account wrt maintenance. As long as it's over £10pw on average I believe.

PikaAchooo · 23/02/2014 23:17

So that would be a sharing if cost. Unless there was a 50/50 responsibility for dropping off/collecting Dc.

fifi669 · 24/02/2014 11:00

If you look at the child maintenance service leaflet online, or whatever it's called now, all of the costs of travel can be offset when calculating maintenance. Not half. The non resident parent shouldn't be out of pocket because the resident parent chose to move. Even if it was for a good reason. It just wouldn't be fair.