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Original poster

Maintenance and OH ex...

176 replies

Weathergames · 20/02/2014 20:46

Have NC as this may out me.

Been with OH 4/5 yrs we both have DC. None together. OH in forces when not away we have his DC every other weekend (unless his ex arranges other things to do with DC Hmm another thread).

He pays what I consider generous maintenance (more than my ex pays for my two) and drives over 1000 mile round trip every time we have his DC (he is based at opposite end of country to where his ex moved when she left him). Costing us prob £400 a month.

We also buy shoes, uniform, other things when we see they need them and he's paid for swimming lessons, school trips etc.

Ex will also get 1/2 his payout when he leaves forces (they were married 3 yrs he has been in 25).

She has asked for more maintenance (she gets £350 a month, works and receives housing benefit, tax credits). OH cannot afford to pay more as he contributes to our home here (where he brings his DC) pays for petrol, and for his room on base.

If she goes to the CSA he will prob have to pay more as petrol and other thinfs mentioned above are not taken into consideration.

I have said to him maybe offer £400 and appeal to the better side of her nature and explain about the petrol etc taking a softly softly approach. I am pretty sure she wants £500. I have said to contribute less here to afford it.

He says that won't work (they are both incredibly stubborn hence the divorce) she is to be fair quite materialistic and terrible with money (and the kids are always in falling apart clothes while she often wears labels - not that it is any of our business what she spends her money on) and has gone ballistic says he is going to dig his heels in and refuse to have the kids more than once a month and generally dick her around (trying to get through to him you will also be dicking your kids around :( ).

I am hoping it is his rage talking as I can only see the kids losing here (on what is atm a very stable happy arrangement for them). Please can someone suggest how I might support/advise him so we can compromise without him walking away from his DC or his DC being placed in the middle of a battle zone.

TIA.

OP posts:
PikaAchooo · 20/02/2014 21:44

Well OP maybe you could try it for a while.

I really feel for you. You genuinely seem to want to resolve this and I have alot of respect for women who accept the responsibility their partners have to their first children.

Original poster
Weathergames · 20/02/2014 21:46

His kids did not ask to be in this situation. I chose to be.

When I chose to be with him I also chose to take on his children and its my responsibility to facilitate that relationship over and above my relationship with him and for them to feel loved by me and my family.

To me that's what step- parenting is.

OP posts:
justtoomessy · 20/02/2014 21:47

She's definitely got issues OP.

Personally I think he is doing enough and should not give her anymore money as he is paying all the travelling expenses when she was the one that moved so far away. I think he should go through CSA as well because it will cause less conflict in the long run.

My ex refuses to see my DS and only pays the CSA requirement and I had to have it taken out his wages. I asked for some help with a cheap pair of trainers and he basically told em to get lost. So your OH is already do more than mine so he isn't being a terrible parent like some.

PorkPieandPickle · 20/02/2014 21:50

If the maintenance and petrol are leaving him in debt now, if he increases payments, surely that will have a detrimental effect on the kids while he has custody- how will pay to feed, keep and entertain them?

He has to provide for his kids at his own home as well as through maintenance. The maintenance shouldn't be so excessive that it leaves him unable to do that or the kids suffer anyway :(

Philoslothy · 20/02/2014 21:53

I agree with you OP as a stepmother I always tried to remember that my husband and I chose this situation and not my stepson and therefore it is a constant path of compromise.

You sound as if your intentions are good, however you posted above that your husband would reduce contact with his own children to piss his ex off. A loving father would not do that. This is important because he is also playing a role in the life of your children and you may have children in the future.

I would feel uncomfortable in your situation knowing that I was sharing a home with my partner /husband that he could not afford and that this was impacting in the level of maintenance that he could pay his own children.

RedFocus · 20/02/2014 21:55

The maintenance needs to be calculated correctly people can't just go around clutching numbers out of thin air. If you ring them up and give all the correct facts & figures and round it up then the ex doesn't have a leg to stand on (ask them to email you the workings out for proof if you like).
It's important that your partner provides for his kids and keeps up regular contact but if the ex is being an arse then get a new solicitor and get that contact order sorted out.
The ex really lucked out there getting half his pension! I declined on principal because I'm nice like that Wink
Hope you manage to sort it all out without too much stress.

Philoslothy · 20/02/2014 21:55

I have just seen that she moved away, it does sound very difficult. You must be very patient , more patient that I am.

Original poster
Weathergames · 20/02/2014 21:57

Firstly - we will NOT be having children in the future - we have 6 already :)

Secondly DP is a hot head - I worry more about him saying something e will regret rather than doing.

Would a father who has driven 1200 miles every other weekend really abandon his children who he clearly adores?

I would not be with a man who I believed would.

I just want to find a peaceful solution between 2 hot headed people.

OP posts:
Philoslothy · 20/02/2014 21:58

As I said you have more patience than me.

I guess with him being in the forces you can't choose where you live and move closer to the children.

NigellasDealer · 20/02/2014 21:59

with the driving i would say he is doing enough and I am someone who is usually v quick to take the other side!

Original poster
Weathergames · 20/02/2014 22:00

I choose to live where I have always lived and where my children can be near their dads, school and our home.

He moves around us.

OP posts:
Philoslothy · 20/02/2014 22:03

I understand that your children need to be near their father, but his children also need to be near their father.

If my husband and I divorced, I cannot imagine that he would choose to live away to suit the children of his new partner rather than his existing family.

Original poster
Weathergames · 20/02/2014 22:05

He doesn't live with us he lives on the Navy base we live much nearer to his kids than he does.

OP posts:
PikaAchooo · 20/02/2014 22:09

To be honest I thought he lived with you when he wasn't away, that changes the state of play a bit. Quite a bit actually.

Philoslothy · 20/02/2014 22:09

That makes more sense, is there any way that he could be transferred to be nearer his children and he could then visit you ?

Original poster
Weathergames · 20/02/2014 22:11

He lives on the base in the week this is his home where he spends all his time when he is not at work.

This is our house (for very complicated reasons his name is not on the mortgage).

Work is 500 miles away it would be impossible for him to live here in the week.

OP posts:
PikaAchooo · 20/02/2014 22:12

I don't understand why if he isn't living with you her is contributing to the household over and above his children to be honest.

I still think you seem lovely but your partner... Not so much right now.

I accept that you have suggested he pays less toward the house but maybe it's time to tell him his kids come first and you won't accept the amount he has been paying anymore.

PikaAchooo · 20/02/2014 22:13

Sorry x post. That makes more sense.

Original poster
Weathergames · 20/02/2014 22:16

Yes we are hoping in a few years he will be in the same town as his kids and only 200 miles from here.

OP posts:
YoureBeingASillyBilly · 20/02/2014 22:19

Hmm- it sounds like he does live with you if your house is where his dcs are coming to for contact .

You also say that him travelling to get his dcs costs "us" £400 a month and that "we" pay for uniforms etc. and that he contributes to "our home"

Either he lives with you as a partner or he doesnt.

Fwiw- my exp spent 90% of the year either on base or at sea but contributed to our house as if he lived there full time because that is where his partner and children lived and where he went when he went "home".

YoureBeingASillyBilly · 20/02/2014 22:23

Just seen latest post confirming he does live with you.

mynewpassion · 20/02/2014 22:27

But would csa see the base as his home?

Original poster
Weathergames · 20/02/2014 22:29

God knows ... Ekkk!

OP posts:
YoureBeingASillyBilly · 20/02/2014 22:33

When you say he is comtributing to your house 'when he is there' do you mean he buys food pays towards egas and electric for only the time he is there it does he pay a portion of the mortgage every month plus other bills?

FudgefaceMcZ · 20/02/2014 22:59

OK, people saying she shouldn't/won't get half his payout- they were obviously together for longer than 3 years, as their older child is 8, they have been divorced for 5 years (which means his ex was looking after a 1yo on her own, not great ime), so they must have been together for at least 9 months, and hopefully a while more, before they got married if older child is biologically his. Courts can and do include time cohabiting before marriage in consideration of resource splitting.

OP I think tbh he'd be better upping the official 'maintenance' and not paying for extras on top of it unless he can really afford it. Travelling is a pain but unfortunately people are forced to move for jobs in our society and it could be worse if she was overseas. When kids get older they can hopefully travel alone so cheaper. I will be considering sending my older daughter on the train to her dad's in a couple of years (hopefully by then she will have developed rudimentary common sense...) 10 hours each way is a lot of driving if within UK, though- can he get train or flights to cut journey time? Between far west Wales and central belt Scotland only takes me 6-7 h (aberdeen add a couple to that) so 10h must be practically Brighton to Inverness or something! In which case flight would be much more practical.

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