Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Maintenance and OH ex...

176 replies

Weathergames · 20/02/2014 20:46

Have NC as this may out me.

Been with OH 4/5 yrs we both have DC. None together. OH in forces when not away we have his DC every other weekend (unless his ex arranges other things to do with DC Hmm another thread).

He pays what I consider generous maintenance (more than my ex pays for my two) and drives over 1000 mile round trip every time we have his DC (he is based at opposite end of country to where his ex moved when she left him). Costing us prob £400 a month.

We also buy shoes, uniform, other things when we see they need them and he's paid for swimming lessons, school trips etc.

Ex will also get 1/2 his payout when he leaves forces (they were married 3 yrs he has been in 25).

She has asked for more maintenance (she gets £350 a month, works and receives housing benefit, tax credits). OH cannot afford to pay more as he contributes to our home here (where he brings his DC) pays for petrol, and for his room on base.

If she goes to the CSA he will prob have to pay more as petrol and other thinfs mentioned above are not taken into consideration.

I have said to him maybe offer £400 and appeal to the better side of her nature and explain about the petrol etc taking a softly softly approach. I am pretty sure she wants £500. I have said to contribute less here to afford it.

He says that won't work (they are both incredibly stubborn hence the divorce) she is to be fair quite materialistic and terrible with money (and the kids are always in falling apart clothes while she often wears labels - not that it is any of our business what she spends her money on) and has gone ballistic says he is going to dig his heels in and refuse to have the kids more than once a month and generally dick her around (trying to get through to him you will also be dicking your kids around :( ).

I am hoping it is his rage talking as I can only see the kids losing here (on what is atm a very stable happy arrangement for them). Please can someone suggest how I might support/advise him so we can compromise without him walking away from his DC or his DC being placed in the middle of a battle zone.

TIA.

OP posts:
FudgefaceMcZ · 20/02/2014 23:01

Also CSA do take travel costs (if she moved away) off maintenance, at least in part. They do for my ex anyway :P It wasn't even a case of me choosing to move, I could not get any work at all where we were living before ffs, but they still take a cut off child support for it, even though he could easily move as he works from home.

Original poster
Weathergames · 20/02/2014 23:02

He cannot flly as much more expensive and how does he return with the kids? He drives from A to B collects kids from B and then drives here to C. It's Scotland to Devon.

OP posts:
geesmum1 · 20/02/2014 23:12

Harsh karenbrockmen. I think you'll find if you read her post properly that op has already explained her main concern is for the dc involved not to increase the amount of disposable income her dp has available to spend on her each month. Particularly since she's offered to reduce his financial contribution their household in order to facilitate his increased costs. Why do new partners always get treated as if they are trying to fleece dc and exs from previous relationships when in actual fact they should be applauded for all the extra crap they often have to put up with in a 'blended family' situation?!

Philoslothy · 20/02/2014 23:25

I think the move needs to happen sooner rather than later, you just can't parent from opposite ends of the country - literally opposite.

Original poster
Weathergames · 20/02/2014 23:30

Unfortunately the Navy doesn't work like that.

My ex lives 4 miles down the road and refuses to communicate with me - he's a dick my OH is a much better parent than him so I disagree with you.

OP posts:
YoureBeingASillyBilly · 20/02/2014 23:33

The navy can work like that actually- it depends how much you want it to happen and will involve compromises in other areas but it can work like that.

Original poster
Weathergames · 20/02/2014 23:36

It can't for us.

It's quite crap of you to think you know everything about our life to make such a sweeping statement actually.

You cannot "make" things happen in the Navy.

OP posts:
YoureBeingASillyBilly · 20/02/2014 23:39

I dont think i know everything about your life Hmm. You made a statement that i know isnt accurate so i said so. Its possible to get moved to another base- i know, exp did it when we were together.

Original poster
Weathergames · 20/02/2014 23:41

OH has been committed to this posting for 4 years.

He is very limited in his posting options as he is a submariner.

OP posts:
YoureBeingASillyBilly · 20/02/2014 23:43

Why did he commit to it knowing it was so far from where the dcs lived?

Original poster
Weathergames · 20/02/2014 23:44

Because he had no choice.

OP posts:
Original poster
Weathergames · 20/02/2014 23:45

Actually he had a choice - 3 months a year at sea and be in Scotland or 9 months a year at sea and be in Plymouth.

OP posts:
YoureBeingASillyBilly · 20/02/2014 23:52

Or change jobs.

ForgettableTampon · 20/02/2014 23:52

family railcard currently at £20 not £30 but not for long

saves 1/3 on adult fares and 2/3 on child fares, well worth it

Original poster
Weathergames · 20/02/2014 23:55

Yes. There is a wealth of job out there for someone who has been in the Navy since they were 16 Hmm and will keep his ex wife in the maintenance she desires.

He was in the Navy when she met him.

If everyone left the Navy for these reasons the country would be fucked.

OP posts:
Bogeyface · 20/02/2014 23:55

It is a totally different ball game for submariners. My mums BF ex is/was (not sure if he still is) a submariner. Due to the nature of his very specialised job he would be away 6 months a year, no contact at all, he wouldnt find out where he was going until he was on board and she wouldnt know at all, even after he got back. He had 2 places in the UK he could be based, both in Scotland. Luckily they lived in Scotland but if he was in the OPS position he would either have to give up his very well paid career (highest paid non commissioned officer in the Navy at the time, couldnt afford to be promoted!) or deal with as best he could as the OP and her DH are doing.

TheDoctrineOfSnatch · 20/02/2014 23:56

Billy, DP had the job when he was with the ex P, I don't think postings have changed?

Original poster
Weathergames · 20/02/2014 23:56

The train thing isn't really an option. He would drive here, leave his car and the time it would take to train to kids here and back would be ridiculous.

OP posts:
Original poster
Weathergames · 20/02/2014 23:59

Thank you Bogeyface. We have no contact when he is away and it's vicarious as to if and when he is going.

OP posts:
Bogeyface · 20/02/2014 23:59

So she moved from SCotland to Devon but expects him to do all the travel? If that went to court then the court would insist she met him halfway!

Have he ever presented her with a breakdown of what it costs for them to see their dad? Or would she see that as his problem, if he wants to see them then he has to pay?

Philoslothy · 21/02/2014 00:01

and will keep his ex wife in the maintenance she desires

I was with you until that rather revealing comment.

ForgettableTampon · 21/02/2014 00:02

yes I know the train time is ridonculous but the £££ saving worth considering/weigh against time spent in travel blah de blah

good luck Weather

biscuitthedog · 21/02/2014 00:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Weathergames · 21/02/2014 00:02

She doesn't think about it. She tells everyone what a terrible dad he is :S.

He was refused leave in Dec and she kicked off as was her works xmas do so I took leave and got them and had them for the weekend.

We don't discuss that cost with her.

OP posts:
BakerStreetSaxRift · 21/02/2014 00:02

It's it a nuclear sub, OP? Is he an engineer? There are a few jobs you can do with that, but I guess they wouldn't be well known.

Swipe left for the next trending thread