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Original poster

Maintenance and OH ex...

176 replies

Weathergames · 20/02/2014 20:46

Have NC as this may out me.

Been with OH 4/5 yrs we both have DC. None together. OH in forces when not away we have his DC every other weekend (unless his ex arranges other things to do with DC Hmm another thread).

He pays what I consider generous maintenance (more than my ex pays for my two) and drives over 1000 mile round trip every time we have his DC (he is based at opposite end of country to where his ex moved when she left him). Costing us prob £400 a month.

We also buy shoes, uniform, other things when we see they need them and he's paid for swimming lessons, school trips etc.

Ex will also get 1/2 his payout when he leaves forces (they were married 3 yrs he has been in 25).

She has asked for more maintenance (she gets £350 a month, works and receives housing benefit, tax credits). OH cannot afford to pay more as he contributes to our home here (where he brings his DC) pays for petrol, and for his room on base.

If she goes to the CSA he will prob have to pay more as petrol and other thinfs mentioned above are not taken into consideration.

I have said to him maybe offer £400 and appeal to the better side of her nature and explain about the petrol etc taking a softly softly approach. I am pretty sure she wants £500. I have said to contribute less here to afford it.

He says that won't work (they are both incredibly stubborn hence the divorce) she is to be fair quite materialistic and terrible with money (and the kids are always in falling apart clothes while she often wears labels - not that it is any of our business what she spends her money on) and has gone ballistic says he is going to dig his heels in and refuse to have the kids more than once a month and generally dick her around (trying to get through to him you will also be dicking your kids around :( ).

I am hoping it is his rage talking as I can only see the kids losing here (on what is atm a very stable happy arrangement for them). Please can someone suggest how I might support/advise him so we can compromise without him walking away from his DC or his DC being placed in the middle of a battle zone.

TIA.

OP posts:
IAmNotAPrincessIAmAKahleesi · 20/02/2014 21:23

I really think that regardless of anything else he needs to pay maintenance at the CSA level. That is really non negotiable and if she goes through them it will be easy to enforce as he is in the services

His next priority is contact. Obviously the more the better but really he needs to work out what he can realistically afford to spend on travelling. It will get much easier as they get older and they are able to travel alone or have contact less frequently but for longer periods of time

Original poster
Weathergames · 20/02/2014 21:24

His ex wife is nicer than KarenBrockman :)

OP posts:
needaholidaynow · 20/02/2014 21:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

coalscuttle · 20/02/2014 21:27

Im sorry but if they were married three years there is no way she will get half his pension. If they are divorced then any if his pension she was awarded will only be Paid to her on her retirement age. It's a pension, not a "pay out". You can't have it until you are pensionable. Her pensionable age is much later than his as she is not in the forces. Either he is lying to you or you are deliberately trying to give a bad impression of her.

PikaAchooo · 20/02/2014 21:28

I really think that regardless of anything else he needs to pay maintenance at the CSA level. That is really non negotiable and if she goes through them it will be easy to enforce as he is in the services

I would usually say the same however I do think the total miles/petrol and in turn money he is spending on doing 1000 mile round trip to collect and drop off his kids should be taken into account here.

foslady · 20/02/2014 21:28

Then get it reassessed then. By a solicitor who knows what he's talking about.

But the maintenance is for the children's upbringing. If you think that there are issues then maybe that should be brought up for the solicitor to deal with.

Either way, if the money hasn't increased in all that time, the cost of feeding the children/providing a warm home will have.

PikaAchooo · 20/02/2014 21:29

coal you can actually do this when it comes to forces. Either Police/Army/Navy etc etc.

I don't know about other lines of work but my friends Mum received a payout when her ExH got his pension. That was about 10 years ago and she is still not retired.

Alot of people in the forces turn the house over to their ex in the divorce settlement to leave their pension in tact.

Original poster
Weathergames · 20/02/2014 21:30

I like her I am not trying to give a bad impression.

He gets a lump sum when he leaves she gets half but will not have any claim to his pension it was agreed in the divorce - I have seen the paperwork.

OP posts:
Pimpf · 20/02/2014 21:30

Just what I was thinking pumpkin.

coalscuttle · 20/02/2014 21:30

And the MOD army/navy/raf does not make the rules on ex wives getting part of the pension. It's dealt with as part of the assets of the marriage on divorce, like any other pension.

AllThatGlistens · 20/02/2014 21:32

Lay off it Karen you're making an awful lot of assumptions there Hmm

coalscuttle · 20/02/2014 21:32

Well then her solicitor was shit hot if she got that after a three year marriage. Or else his was crap!

PikaAchooo · 20/02/2014 21:33

Yes Op said it was agreed in the divorce settlement. It will no doubt be a lump sum payout. Op?

PikaAchooo · 20/02/2014 21:33

Sorry X post

Original poster
Weathergames · 20/02/2014 21:34

I think he got shafted - but hopefully it will go towards uni fees for the kids - hopefully.....

OP posts:
PikaAchooo · 20/02/2014 21:34

Does it really matter? It's not what the Op was asking for advice on

coalscuttle · 20/02/2014 21:35

I am divorcing a soldier after even years of marriage and am arguing fir the house and not the pension. I'm just pointing out she is getting a lot more than most people get after only three years. And it is still an asset of the marriage and nothing to do with his maintenance or travelling expenses. Or his current wife.

justtoomessy · 20/02/2014 21:36

Jesus what the heck is wrong with karen have you previous with her OP??

I'd get a contact order in place and yes people in Navy can have one so she can't mess around with contact.

tell him to find another solicitor that has experience of the forces his really is shit by the sounds of it.

PikaAchooo · 20/02/2014 21:36

I agree with that.

I think the OP is getting a bit of a hard time though. I am the first to shoot down someone who is being unfair but it seems like she is trying to resolve what is a difficult situation.

Sidge · 20/02/2014 21:38

It's called a Lump Sum Order - taken from his gratuity which is part of his pension received on termination from the service.

To get 50% after just 3 years of marriage would indicate that her solicitor proposed a 50-50 split and he just agreed. Nothing is automatic.

Original poster
Weathergames · 20/02/2014 21:38

Tbh I would rather he contributed less here to keep the peace and continuity for the kids and we (my DC and I) would really miss them if we only saw them once a month.

It's such a difficult situation I have always had the same money from my exes, it has never gone up in 11 and 8 years respectively but that's me I guess.

OP posts:
LexiLouise · 20/02/2014 21:38

You mention you have said he should contribute less at your end so could he actually afford to increase the maintenance he is paying without it creating financial difficulties for you both?

Original poster
Weathergames · 20/02/2014 21:41

When he is here he contributes and he contributes to the mortgage as this is effectively his home.

I managed before I met him so I would manage again - although it would be a bit tight.

OP posts:
PikaAchooo · 20/02/2014 21:42

Are you in a position for him to contribute less?

Original poster
Weathergames · 20/02/2014 21:43

I don't think I have previous with Karen.

I think she has massive issues with her Ex's new OH and I hope she gets some therapy when she is ready.

OP posts:
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