to wonder if my boss has Aspergers?

[Katiep10]

I work for a smallish company - about 100 people in an open plan office. The long and short of it is that she drives people insane and has quite a complex personality and i wonder if there is more to it though.

She is late forties and has never been in a long term relationship despite talking a lot about how much she would like one. She is, however, extremely picky and is often very rude about people's appearances so I wonder if this has something to do with in in a small way. She is a bit of a joke in the office and once she engages you in conversation it is impossible to get away, sometimes she can talk (about absolutely nothing) for as long as 30 mins without drawing breath or noticing that the other person hasn't said a word. Her conversation is painfully dull (never known anything like it). She can often be very blunt and rude to people and quite frankly, leave you open-mouthed at the things she comes out with. She is quite draining to be with every day, 5 days a week because she is extremely intense, and no matter how hard i try, i just cannot ever seem to have just a normal conversation with her because she gets over excited and dominates.

I have wondered on occasion if she may suffer from undiagnosed Aspergers. Although i feel sorry for her (and I do try to stick up for her when people take the p1ss) I am finding her behavious increasingly more exhausting and i leave work with my ears absolutely ringing to the extent that i consider leaving a job i love because her behaviour annoys me so much. Does anyone have any experience of this? Ultimately i wish she knew the impact she has on people and could in some way try to temper her behaviour as i do have enormous sympathy for her because she is quite a lonely character.

I don't understand why the OP has been bashed. I have worked a lot with children and young adults with ASD and most of the time when taking them out would wish that the people we encountered would see certain behaviours and think 'maybe those children have ASD as they are doing x' rather than the more usual 'what a naughty boy' etc.

More awareness is good, some traits of ASD can be positive, but many can be challenging like the social skills side of things. That's not an opinion but a fact. ASD is a general diagnosis and all on it will be different- the OP pointing out lack of social skills as an example could well be correct. She never said that the woman must be autistic because she was rude, she was asking others opinions if she may be because there were some traits this woman has which can be the same as an ASD diagnosis.

It is because people with kids with AS worry constantly about their future and are worried people will shun them if they have social difficulties so would like to see a bit more understanding and less saying people must have AS if they are rude.

sockreturningpixie - off topic but I don't understand why people with a diagnosis of asd are not allowed to join the military. I think it should be on a more individual basis.

After my son was dx, it became rather clear that dh is probably on the asd spectrum. He is very much like our son. (apart from my son doesn't struggle educationally) My dh has absolutely flourished in the armed forces after pretty much being written off at school. His confidence and passion for learning has massively increased. However he does have traits that he struggles with but in some respect has learnt mechanisms to overcome them.

I think it's a shame that a large group of people are pigeon holed when more and more people are, rightly, getting a dx but have different difficulties.

In some respects it reflects with the op. Just because a person is single, rude and boring doesn't mean they have asd and just because you have asd doesn't mean you are any of those things. Everyone is different. I just wish a dx didn't come with such negative connotations.

What an unpleasant thread.

Polter, hitting the nail on the head again.

Yep. Well said, Polter

Very good post, Polter.

I hadn't seen Polter's post, that's cheered me up.

Only read the first few posts but this is basically my opinion.

My DB was finally somewhat recently diagnosed as an Aspie. He's always been a dick. He's a dick because he is a dick, nothing to do with Aspies despite the emotional guilt my DPs try to foist on me to put up with his horrible behaviour

I have three very close friends on the spectrum. They are lovely people. They'd still be lovely if they weren't on the spectrum.

Some people just aren't nice and t has zero percent to do with being on the spectrum. Some are lovely, some are nasty, some are in between. Y'know, like all of us, NT or not.

Sometimes I feel like people forget Aspies are people too. And like all people, some are lovely and some are not.

Hope that came across the way I meant it too.

My dd is 14 and has Aspergers. I'm already seriously worried about how she'll cope in the workplace or if she'll even be able to get a job. This thread just brings it home for me.

She is a bit of a joke in the office

Her conversation is painfully dull (never known anything like it)

It was a fair question but phrased in a really insensitive way IMO.

Well, yes, maybe this is less likely Polter. Especially in AIBU. But people don't tend to get diagnoses for things which are not causing them difficulties in life. Generally, diagnosis of conditions such as ASD is dependent on having difficulties with aspects of functioning (not just traits which are beneficial) - or why diagnose?

Surely diagnoses such as ASD, ADHD, mental health conditions, etc., are at least partly to provide an explanation for - and access to help for -behaviours which people find difficult. In the case of ASD, these are likely to be social behaviours.

There are probably masses of bosses out there, as you say, who have traits consistent with an ASD diagnosis, who are great to be around, and their traits are making them better at their jobs. I've had one boss, who I loved working for, who very clearly had many traits of ASD and who very likely could have been diagnosed had things been different. However, tin these circumstances people don't have to find explanations for these traits, because there would be no benefit to it.

Well, she might manage better in a more male working environment, or being self-employed.
It often tends to be women that have a problem with the social dynamics mismatch bit. She needs to work in an area where her skills will be valued over and above her ability to chat and bond.

Sorry, that was to thornrose.
Oh, or working abroad. We know several people with AS working in Germany and Scandinavia that have loved the freedom given by the lack of cultural expectations.

Am I, Polter? I don't understand why.
I know very well that many people with ASD have those positive qualities you list. That's a part of what I'm saying, too.
The other part is this: the reason people don't point out that someone might have ASD when they're getting on well with them (as in the example in your post) is that when things are going well, there's nothing to "find an explanation for", or to "diagnose".

It's one of the reasons I like swapping positive stories on the SN boards, of times when the world has appreciated some of the skills and talents.
Because on this side of the looking glass, it's All About The Bad.

Yes, I can see that, Polter. It's difficult to see a way around it, though, when diagnoses are focused on having trouble functioning. I am very aware that certain traits associated with ASD diagnoses can have extremely positive aspects/manifestations. But when we like a boss, we'll tend to view their positive characteristics as part of them, I think - I mean, why not? We'll think "she's great at X, Y and Z" (as you list above), and sometimes it would seem almost churlish to give another "explanation". When someone's displaying social difficulties (and there are some in OP's post which could be consistent with ASD - although obviously this is far from clear), we want to find an explanation which allows people to be different in a difficult way, without blame. I don't think this is all bad.
I can see, though, that sometimes the result is to do a disservice to people with ASDs.

partypoisen

I don't know why,I'm not even sure if its still the case but 4/5 years ago it was something I was interested enough to store in the brain when I read it in lots of the gumph my dd brought home after she had a fanciful idea that she wanted to join.

At that time it was a instant no, not even a 'we will give you a medical and see' just a straight up nope not now not ever.

The same as someone with medicated ADHD will not be accepted but weirdly if they stop treatment and don't have any for something like 3 years then they can.

Incidentally before anybody piles on me,the fanciful thing is nothing to do with any disability as that dd is not disabled I said fanciful because she has massive issues with authority or anybody telling her what to do as well as basic tidiness so not really suited to the military

Clock, my DS is very happy and open about being an Aspie, but then he is also able, attractive and generally unlike the stereotype of a teenager.

Every time he says 'I told them that it was easy for me, because I'm an Aspie'or someone calls him thoughtful and generous, but he helped because it was logical to do so, he crumbles away at people's negative stereotypes.

Sad that he should have to, good that a lot of the head games and judgements don't register. Much.

I have a question.

If someone said something along the lines of 'X won a lot of money at blackjack, it's like they knew what cards were coming up, I wonder if they have autism?' Would that be OK or not, and why?

sock presumably the problem with medication and ADHD is that, in active duty, they can't guarantee that there would be a steady supply of medication, or there is a good chance that the person would forget to take it if an emergency intervened. And then as well as unmedicated ADHD, the person will have withdrawal symptoms meaning they could react unpredictably. I would expect that anyone who needs any regular medication would be excluded from the military for similar reasons- can anyone confirm if this is the case?

Yes, Moth, it's really sad that your DS should have to deal with the (ridiculous) negative stereotypes. I know very well, for many reasons, the positive value of many traits we associate with ASD.

I'm guess I'm just saying that in cases like the OP's we shouldn't be surprised (or get aggressive with her) when she tries to find an explanation for socially difficult behaviour and comes up with possible ASD. Normally, only people whose behaviour is proving difficult for them or those around them (in the limited social context of our society) would be considered for a developmental diagnosis like ASD.

I suppose I consider it nice to think that in a (far-fetched) ideal world, we wouldn't need these labels at all. We'd accept and value each other with generosity, kindness and openness, no specific expectations of how we're "supposed to" interact, etc.. But if we need labels to help us to accept and understand each other better, we're going to be faced with the problem that these labels are going to be associated with people who are having difficulties. Then when someone is having difficulties, explanations are sought in terms of diagnostic labels.

It would be nonsense and believing stereotyped Rain man style cliches about all people with autism being.Maths genii

My DS

Oops
My DD..can't play cards and would eat them.