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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to wonder if my boss has Aspergers?

180 replies

Katiep10 · 20/02/2014 11:10

I work for a smallish company - about 100 people in an open plan office. The long and short of it is that she drives people insane and has quite a complex personality and i wonder if there is more to it though.

She is late forties and has never been in a long term relationship despite talking a lot about how much she would like one. She is, however, extremely picky and is often very rude about people's appearances so I wonder if this has something to do with in in a small way. She is a bit of a joke in the office and once she engages you in conversation it is impossible to get away, sometimes she can talk (about absolutely nothing) for as long as 30 mins without drawing breath or noticing that the other person hasn't said a word. Her conversation is painfully dull (never known anything like it). She can often be very blunt and rude to people and quite frankly, leave you open-mouthed at the things she comes out with. She is quite draining to be with every day, 5 days a week because she is extremely intense, and no matter how hard i try, i just cannot ever seem to have just a normal conversation with her because she gets over excited and dominates.

I have wondered on occasion if she may suffer from undiagnosed Aspergers. Although i feel sorry for her (and I do try to stick up for her when people take the p1ss) I am finding her behavious increasingly more exhausting and i leave work with my ears absolutely ringing to the extent that i consider leaving a job i love because her behaviour annoys me so much. Does anyone have any experience of this? Ultimately i wish she knew the impact she has on people and could in some way try to temper her behaviour as i do have enormous sympathy for her because she is quite a lonely character.

OP posts:
ISeeYouShiverWithAntici · 20/02/2014 22:11

It'll be because they havent seen it.

CrohnicallyFarting · 20/02/2014 22:13

So I obviously have a weird sense of humour!

MothratheMighty · 20/02/2014 22:15

So, she's doing OK at work because she's the boss. Top cat.
Why aren't you the boss, as you don't struggle with all the things she seems to?

NearTheWindmill · 20/02/2014 22:16

He had inner empathy but he couldn't show it. If you had told him your child had just died (as I did ) he would have said "hmm, sorry to hear that". Not "that's awful, are you coping/managing, what can I do to help - shall we jump in the car and look after you all for a few days". It would and was stiff and awkward.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 20/02/2014 22:16

Well I guess it hits home for some when people attribute all sorts of negative traits to a condition their kids have, composhat.

CrohnicallyFarting · 20/02/2014 22:21

The OP never said or implied that all people with AS are rude or other negative traits.

The OP wondered if there might be more to it is all.

To put it into a different context "AIBU to wonder if this guy who shit his pants might have Crohn's?" would I get offended because they implied that all people with Crohn's shit themselves? No because they didn't say or imply that. And I would actually think 'well done' to them for thinking of a bowel condition as a possible reason rather than assuming they were under the influence of drink or drugs, or were a RL poo troll.

MothratheMighty · 20/02/2014 22:21

It's like all those endless, tedious threads in relationships that go on about a partner probably having AS, or NPD or 'something wrong with them,' when the answer is usually that he's a selfish arse and you are a doormat Dear Reader, upon which he is wiping his feet.

OP, are you sure she's not just a Northerner?
They are chatty and blunt and opinionated and rude.
Unlike us cold, uncommunicative and reserved Southerners.

WestieMamma · 20/02/2014 22:23

NearTheWindmill If you told me that I'd most likely say the same. It's not because there's no empathy it's because there's too much and I'm so worried about saying/doing the wrong thing and making things worse that I say as little as possible. This isn't a thought out response, it's instinctive and protective.

Sixtiesqueen · 20/02/2014 22:24

I diagnose ASD for a living - in the NHS and privately.

Sometimes a family member will describe similar traits to those described by the OP.

Why is that ok?

SecretWitch · 20/02/2014 22:25

MothratheMighty, I was actually thinking she just might be American..you know blunt, excitable and dominating..

ISeeYouShiverWithAntici · 20/02/2014 22:31

Well, possibly because they are working with the family member and a professional capable of making a diagnosis?

although I dont think it I ok to say theyre rude, ignorant, boring, etc.

if you are attempting to describe behaviours that are a concern, you dont give them negative labels.
so youd say I notice that they struggle to know how to interact, I have observed times when they have responded in an inappropriate manner, I have seen evidence that they stuggle to move from set topics, I see in them a difficulty interpreting other peoples body language or facial expressions, etc etc..

LessMissAbs · 20/02/2014 22:34

Is it not just an issue of people having a tendency to dislike their boss? I don't know if I would want to psycho-analyse the people I work with in that much detail. I tend to concentrate on my work more than the conversations I can have with my boss. Occasionally we socialise outside work but I would have to be very friendly with them indeed to want to analyse them in depth. I'm assuming this isn't anything to report to HR so it seems to be a personal thing. Equally you could ask if you have a problem with discipline and authority?

Dawndonnaagain · 20/02/2014 22:34

Because it's not some random on an internet forum making a wild sweeping generalisation.

CrohnicallyFarting · 20/02/2014 22:35

That makes sense iseeyoushiver about the different labels.

So why couldn't someone have said that on the first page instead of jumping down the OP's throat?

Sixtiesqueen · 20/02/2014 22:35

Tbh, shiver, not everyone is capable of phrasing it quite so eloquently.

You put it very well, not everyone has your level of insight/articulation.

And autism affects people from all backgrounds doesn't it? People often say what they see; part of my skill is to interpret that rather than tut at them for being crass.

MothratheMighty · 20/02/2014 22:38

'So why couldn't someone have said that on the first page instead of jumping down the OP's throat?'

I think we are running out of posters who are experienced with SN and AS and also have enough patience to refute the same judgements made yet again.

MoveYourArmsLikeHenry · 20/02/2014 22:38

Lovely post.

I have autism and I am not like the person you described. Does being single and annoying automatically mean you are on the autistic spectrum?

How horrible op :(

mrsjay · 20/02/2014 22:38

I know somebody like this they have not got aspergers cant your boss just be really dull boring rude and single why do you assume she has autism Confused

WestieMamma · 20/02/2014 22:42

When my daughter was going through the diagnosis process I told the psychologist that my daughter was sometimes rude and described some of the traits in the OP. The difference is that they were a very small part of a much bigger picture, it was specific to her, it was confidential, it came from a desperate need to get her the help and support she needed, and most importantly, the motivation was love.

MothratheMighty · 20/02/2014 22:43

Maybe she does, maybe she doesn't.
OP obviously can't handle her, whatever the reasons for her behaviour. As she's the boss, then like any other difficult boss, you either have to put up with it or leave.
What are you going to do, OP?

Bagofnutsnbolts · 20/02/2014 22:44

Maybe OP you and your boss don't get on because you share the same un diagnosis of APD.

Dawndonnaagain · 20/02/2014 22:45

and most importantly, the motivation was love.

Beautifully put, Westie.

Sixtiesqueen · 20/02/2014 22:47

Wow. Do you know anyone with APD?

I work in psychiatry and I find your post astounding

Sixtiesqueen · 20/02/2014 22:48

I think this thread is best left to go back to general mud slinging!

Bagofnutsnbolts · 20/02/2014 22:52

Sixti i Don't know anything about psychiatry was thinking along the lines of annoying personality disorder, i find the post very offensivly written evem if it wasnt meant to be.sorry didn't know there was APD. Don't think I want to know what it though!