to think that someone with depression can walk a dog!

[madmacbrock]

I am not ignorant to the plight of people with depression and recognise that it is a serious illness. However I am 7 months pregnant with 2nd child and suffering really badly with back and pelvic pain, I cannot walk to the kitchen without the aid of a crutch let alone walk my dog. She doesnt need to much walking as she suffers with athritis. I asked my MIL, (who was diagnosed with depression in June and has been constantly saying she needs to get out of the house and do something) if she would walk my dog for 20 mins twice a week whenever she felt up to it just so she can get out and my husband can spend a bit of time with his daughter as he comes in from work at 6.30 she goes to bed at 7.30 and if hes walking the dog misses out on that time. She said no she didnt feel like it. I feel really bitter about it as myself and dh have bent over backwards past few months to help her out and she cant even do this one little thing for us. Should I talk to her or just ignore it and put it down to frustration and pregnancy anger and forget it?

I'm sure someone with depression is technically physically capable of walking a dog, whether they are mentally capable is another matter surely and will depend on their depression symptoms.

Or maybe she just doesn't fancy picking up dog shit.

Either way she is under no obligation. Your OH should be doing the walking.

Your SPD is horrid but then so is depression. It affects everyone differently. It does seem breathtakingly arrogant of you to assume that the form of exercise she should be getting is the privilege of walking your dog.

She might be terrified of dogs. She might find it too stressful to take the dog to the park. We got me a jrt to help me and the most I manage is taking him to the nearest tree for a pee before we scuttle back inside. I cannot walk him on my own for fear that he runs off/gets attacked/has a pop at another dog.

I'm sorry you are in so much pain with your spd but your mil too is suffering. Yabu.

Procrastreation There is a difference between responding to a short-term emergency not of a person's own making - the broken boiler / hospital appointment type scenario you refer to - and expecting another person, and an ill person at that, to take on part of the regular responsibility of caring for an animal which the OP chose to commit to in the first place.

At the risk of going off-topic - this is married-to-the-state infantilising sense of entitlement.

My direct family includes arthritis, slipped disk, polio, depression, alcoholism, autism, polio-triggered mobility problems, hypertension and dementia. Doesn't everybody's? And every single person considers themselves as part of the family machine - helping out where they can - slowly and erratically if needs be - but the basic assumption is of co-operation.

The OP helps MIL. I think she is totally reasonable to be disappointed to be disappointed when her own request for help is rejected out of hand.

Username - 7 months pregnant SPD is more of a short term problem than depression!

I don't have any kind of depression but I would find walking someone else's dog quite stressful. I'd do it if they were really desperate and there was no other option open to them. You have another option. Your OH. Stop kidding yourself that you're doing her a favour.

Disappointed is fine. Bitter and considering talking to the MIL about it (to change her answer obviously) is not fine.

Ignoring the point that you are now the one making a massive assumption about the severity or otherwise of the MIL's depression in order to make that judgement...then isn't it lucky that the OP has a DH who isn't suffering from SPD and who has no apparent reason not to be able to walk HIS dog?

Actually MIL's depression is really neither here nor there. She doesn't want to walk your dog. If she wanted to walk a dog, she'd get her own dog. If neither you nor your Dh can walk it, then rehome the poor animal. Its not your MIL's responsibilty, it's yours.

What she does for BIL is also a red herring - she can do what she likes, she's not obligated to do anything for anyone.

procrastreation why is 'rotting in front of daytime TV' the only alternative course of action to 'doing what others demand of you?', no one but you has mentioned this - you are a master of the straw man argument.

Also your list of 'people with possible restrictions of unknown severity' needs a second list of 'people with responsibilty for OP's dog' - you will find that only OP her DH appear on both lists.

I've now read the thread. YAstill BVU. Even if your MIL wasn't suffering with depression, she still is under no obligation to walk your dog. It's your dog.

Kurri because IME people that work together are closer. Asking the person with dementia to come and batch cook baby food with me means we'll also have a chat, and I can discretely keep an eye on her. There just aren't enough hours in the day for me to make a 2 hour social call to see her every week. So if I was delicate about imposing on her to help, the ultimate effect would be to isolate her from the family.

Well, if she can't do it then she can't do it.
Depression can really floor some people and she might not be able to manage the conversation/ commitment required IYSWIM.

But I know of ppl with depression who can walk dogs and go to parties every weekend but seem unable to make it to work on a monday.
So Iam aware it effects everyone differently.

Ok procrastreation- how does inviting your MIL to go out in the cold and rain for half an hour on her own to look at the back of your dog bring you closer to her?

OP wasnt asking to help her MIL. Not at all.

OP wasnt asking to help her MIL. Not at all.

no she wasn't not really

My guess is that MIL already regularly helps out BIL so it is part of her routine and therefore within her comfort zone. Walking her other son's dog is new and therefore intimidating.

Speaking for myself, I don't own dogs these days because, among a couple of other things, I don't want to have to walk them on a damp February evening. I'd have no compunction turning anyone down, even one of my own dear DC, who wanted me to walk theirs. (Academic at the moment as we all have cats.)

I've also had depression and anxiety, though pretty mild compared with some previous posters, and in that situation I agree, I not only wouldn't but couldn't. (But then I would probably feel dreadfully guilty and convince myself that DS would be run over or murdered or get pneumonia while walking his dog and it would be all my fault. And then I would cry. But I still wouldn't walk that damned dog.)

However I'm awfully sorry for OP with hideous back and pelvic pain. No wonder she's a bit cranky at the moment.

Procrastreation that's great that that set-up works for you and yours. That doesn't make it a blueprint for everyone else's life.

Presumably if your relative with dementia really doesn't want to come and help you at any time, you respect that and don't get a cob on about the fact you'll have to cook your baby food alone?

Of course it would bring them closer

1. Just seeing each other every day
2. Having the dog in common

But most of all

3. OP feeling like MIL has her back when she's hit a tough spot in her pregnancy. MIL feeling like she's a contributor to the safe delivery of her grandchild by taking a bit of pressure off OP & her son.

well the MIL doesn't want to do it procrastreation so regardless of how lovely it would be for the MIL to help her DIl she either doesn't want to or can't or both, you cant force families to bond and do things for each other it isn't sad it is a fact of life sometimes

No - I'd adapt - but I'd keep asking them for favours - adapting my requests as I get experienced in their comfort zone.

I would get cheesed off if I felt that they didn't feel part of my family. So if the relative had said "you chose to have a baby - you deal with the baby food" I'd be pretty .

Part of the thing about families that you do get an idea of how much you can ask of someone. I don't believe OP would have asked her MIL if it was clearly something that would be too much for her. I don't see evidence on this thread why the conclusion is that OP over-demanded rather than MIL could have tried harder.

I suspect the OP may have had more success had she asked if MIL could do it once to help out - and waited until afterwards before asking for the commitment.

I'm actually impressed MIL just said no rather than letting OP down by making excuses or not turning up.

Could you just hire a dog walker, they charge about £10 an hour.

So £50 per week - adding up to probably £600 by the time OP is back on her feet. It's not pocket change!