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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that someone with depression can walk a dog!

198 replies

madmacbrock · 19/02/2014 17:19

I am not ignorant to the plight of people with depression and recognise that it is a serious illness. However I am 7 months pregnant with 2nd child and suffering really badly with back and pelvic pain, I cannot walk to the kitchen without the aid of a crutch let alone walk my dog. She doesnt need to much walking as she suffers with athritis. I asked my MIL, (who was diagnosed with depression in June and has been constantly saying she needs to get out of the house and do something) if she would walk my dog for 20 mins twice a week whenever she felt up to it just so she can get out and my husband can spend a bit of time with his daughter as he comes in from work at 6.30 she goes to bed at 7.30 and if hes walking the dog misses out on that time. She said no she didnt feel like it. I feel really bitter about it as myself and dh have bent over backwards past few months to help her out and she cant even do this one little thing for us. Should I talk to her or just ignore it and put it down to frustration and pregnancy anger and forget it?

OP posts:
ProudAS · 19/02/2014 19:16

Depression can be very debilitating. Getting out might be good for your MIL but I doubt she feels up to committing to it.

LondonForTheWeekend · 19/02/2014 19:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NeverKnowinglyUnderstood · 19/02/2014 19:18

OK TBH I would suspect it isn't the dog walking it is the commitment to walking the dog.

I have suffered with depression and anxiety related to PTSD and although I may have at times felt able to say yes to walking someones dog I would not have felt able to make that commitment.

try not to feel too aggrieved perhaps go back to her and say you realise that it was a big ask and if she feel able to you know the dog would always love to go out at any time she was able.

coffeeinbed · 19/02/2014 19:20

I think she probably doesn't want to commit to a regular long term arrangement.
She would have no idea how she will feel in say a week or ten days time.
Sorry, but YABU.

WooWooOwl · 19/02/2014 19:20

If she won't do you favours when you need it, then you are not obliged to do her favours when she needs it.

Depression can prevent people from leaving their homes and doing simple things like walking to the park with a dog, but it doesn't always. I'm sure OP wouldn't expect it if she knew that walking the dog was beyond her MILs capabilities.

This is a woman who is saying she needs to get out of the house, and it's well documented that a bit of excercise can help significantly with depression. Your mil sounds like she just doesn't want to help rather than being unable to help.

She isn't obliged to help, but then nor are you obliged to help her. Remember that next time she wants something from you.

NigellasGuest · 19/02/2014 19:24

perhaps she's more of a cat lover?

CorusKate · 19/02/2014 19:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NeverKnowinglyUnderstood · 19/02/2014 19:28

WooWooOwl.. Wow!

HannahLaRouge · 19/02/2014 19:28

Ok,I hate to be harsh but wow. Please read up on depression,as if you say anything like this to your mother in law then you will,in her mind,just confirm all the bad things she thinks about herself and make her feel 100 times worse. You say you are not ignorant to the plight of people with depression,but I would argue that actually you are,and it might be good to try and learn more about it. I hope you feel better when baby is born though - SPD is horrendous.

Sarahschuster · 19/02/2014 19:28

Ugh. Can empathise with that, sillybilly. Depression is so utterly awful. Really hope things look up for you x.

LittleprincessinGOLDrocks · 19/02/2014 19:30

YABU.
It is your pet and therefore your husband should attend to its cares whilst you are not able to.
Your MIL is suffering, she may feel that twice a week is a huge commitment to make. Because it isn't just the walking of the dog, it is getting from her house to yours, then taking responsibility for your pet and going out in public. She may be someone who worries and gets anxious at even leaving her house. She may fret over even the thought of having to do something for someone else.
You and your husband should not be requesting this of her right now. It is not an emergency situation, it is just to make things easier for you, and that is a little selfish. Your DH can walk the dog once your child is in bed.

Sarahschuster · 19/02/2014 19:30

And CorusKate... Me too. What a charmer.

BehindLockNumberNine · 19/02/2014 19:31

I have suffered with depression several times. One of the ways my depression manifests itself is a social anxiety. I can see some people but the vast majority of people (friends and family) would terrify me and I would not be able to face them.
Perhaps this is why the MIL is helping BIL but cannot face coming to your house twice a week?? Perhaps helping BIL is on an as-and-when basis whereas coming to you is pre-arranged and therefore creates pressure.

YoureBeingASillyBilly · 19/02/2014 19:33

Thank you sarah- they are. Feeling a lot better recently. 6 years ago i didnt give breakfast, teeth brushing, washing dishes, bedtime a second thought. I just got up and went abouty life. I'll be there again one day but it takes time and it helps when those around you are patient.

BackOnlyBriefly · 19/02/2014 19:34

YABU, but your own condition may have just drained you of patience. Constant pain has a way of eating away at you.

Put it aside for now. People with depression sometimes feel more motivated when there is more sunlight and perhaps she may find she can do more in the spring.

Woowoo, the OP came across as bitter, but she has an excuse in her condition. What's yours?

mrspremise · 19/02/2014 19:35

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Procrastreation · 19/02/2014 19:37

FFS - YANBU!

Where is the line that says that one problem (depression) is a sacred cow, whereas another problem (SPD, long day at work & then supporting wife with SPD) should 'just get on with it'.

coribells · 19/02/2014 19:38

YANBU in my opinion. I have had depression and still suffer from time to time. Families should help each other and as you have said you have helped her. Exercise is good for depression, animals/pets have been demonstrated to be good therapy-and it would probably be good for your for her feel useful. Itd taking the first step that is the hard part.

Stripyhoglets · 19/02/2014 19:45

YANBU to ask her as you cannot walk the dog. She is NBU to say she doesn't want to do it. You are NBU to be annoyed as she can help BIL and you have helped her lots as well and now you need help. But depression can make you very self centered, not deliberately as you are ill, but it can make helping others seem like an impossible commitment.

But I would leave it there, your DH. Will have to walk the dog after DD. Goes to bed.

Patchouli · 19/02/2014 19:47

Picking up dog poo is quite big ask IMO.
Maybe it'd be nice for your DH and DD to spend a bit of time together walking the dog in the evening. Or, he can walk the dog once she's in bed.

wonderingsoul · 19/02/2014 19:58

i dont understand why your dh cant do it before work and after he puts dd to bed?

and for what its worth depression is vile. the only reason i get out of bed is becasue i have to care for my two young children.
the op who said its not the unwilling to do something or being lazy is bang on .. its just that you feel NOTHING your numb.. so you just sit there looking into space knowing that you shoudl be cleaning but not having the engergy to actually do it. and thinking tomorrow ill do it. tomorrow i will have the energy to do it.

or going 3-4 days before realizing that you should actually have a bath.

or knowing that you have this responabilty planned that you dont HAVE to do.. that you cant let them down.. its on your mind constantly..

or spending an hour looking at something in a shop.. walking away than back again becasue people are starting to stare at you .. just looking at this one item for longer than needed.. just working out if you shoudl buy it or not.. thats anxity.. which is often comes hand in hand with depression.

sorry that was a bit of a essay, but you really dont egt depression and to be THIS angry over it makes you look like a bitch.

though i am sure your n ot, and i appricate your in apain to but start looking for soloutions in your dh and buy your mil some flowers.

NinjaCow · 19/02/2014 19:59

I don't think anyone has said that Procrastreation - expecting the OP's DH to do it differently, or get someone different to help, yes.

Preciousbane · 19/02/2014 20:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Procrastreation · 19/02/2014 20:08

The info we have is

MIL - depression
OP - SPD
DD - small active child
DH - @ work

We don't have data on the severity of any of these restrictions.

A lot of posters have piled in to emphasise how debilitating depression is. But it is not evident to me that MIL depression is more limiting that SPD & a child. When I had SPD - I struggled to walk & couldn't lift. I had no choice but to let DD roam feral & then wait for DH to come home to clean the house & give me & DD some emotional bolstering. I expect that that is what the DH would be doing at 7.30pm & 7.30 am. I would also imagine that they have to be careful of money - with two children & 1 salary. "pay someone to do it" is a bit trite really. If I was really struggling to keep afloat - I would also resent being cut off dead when I asked a relative for help - even if that relative had their own thing going on.

monicalewinski · 19/02/2014 20:09

YANBU to ask imo.

The OP only says MIL has depression, no indication as to the severity.

As someone who has had pnd and a couple of bouts of reactive depression, I have varied between the extremes of barely being able to function, but during a subsequent bout was still going to work ft whilst keeping everything going at home with 2 kids and husband away for 4 months. I am back on ads again at the moment and have been dealing with a chronic disease and major surgery, and I am perfectly able to walk a dog.

Depression comes in many degrees of harshness, I have been very lucky to only suffer mildly to moderately but I realise that people can be crippled by it for years and are unable to function at all at times.

What I am trying to say is that just because someone has depression, does not mean it is always at the most debilitating end of the spectrum - for those with mild/moderate depression it can be beneficial to force a routine and some gentle exercise; I think some people have been a little harsh on the OP tbh.