To be upset dp doesn't want to marry me

[bellabella10]

As background we've been together for 5 years and have an 18 month old together. When we first moved in together about a year into the relationship we would talk, possibly jokingly, about getting married and having kids at some point in the future. Our baby was a surprise although we love him so much.

Whenever i have brought up the subject in the past two years (not often) he just changes the topic. Last week i approached it head on (I want to change my name anyway so we all have the same surname old school) he said he doesn't want to get married and doesn't know why. I will change my name by deed poll i suppose but it still upsets me.

I didn't even want a big do (although i get a tiny bit jealous when i see my friends getting married) and would be happy going to the registry office with only a few close friends and family.I have a feeling is because he had family abroad but they do come over and we could have a small ceremony in both countries.

I was thinking yesterday about the distasteful history of marriage, based on this thread, particularly your points motherinferior, and it struck me that marriage as an institution has never really been that bad, in comparison to what else was available at the time.

So, when it was legal to rape your wife, it was also a woman's fault if she "got herself raped". I would argue that it's still basically legal for a man to rape a woman unless he jumps on her down a dark alley. The chances of any legal redress are minuscule and both women and rapists are very much aware of that reality.

When marriage was about ownership, you didn't avoid ownership by not getting married. You just remained a burden on your male relatives rather than making yourself useful as a womb for a man's heirs.

When marriage was used to control women's fertility, women's fertility was strictly and viciously controlled whether they were married or not.

Arguably women have always been better off married than unmarried, even when marriage was a horrific subjugation of women's freedom.

It seems strange to say to other women who recognise that marriage offers them genuine protection, that they should forgo that protection because of things that are no longer the case.

LBP, how exactly am I 'sad'?

The was to Chunderella.

JYP, I agree that most of the alternatives to marriage weren't that terrific. But the associations and history of that particular institution - associations which persist, with all the name-changing and joint finances and happy-ever-after rubbish - just grate a bit too much for me. I resent being preached to about marriage by Cameron, too.

Or me, LBG?

Or is it my Dp who's sad- think of those 35 years wasted with someone who doesn't want to marry him.........

We got the bull for free, Martorana

DP & I have been together nearly 10 years but no proposal yet. When I received inheritance I joked "now will you marry me?" but nothing

Eveesmummy I have no idea which leaflet you read, but the following comments you made on this thread make me think it wasn't a very good leaflet and you were not making an informed decision:

It's only a bit of paper and a nice day out

If a person was absolutely opposed to marriage you could set up the legal differences and sort them. It depends where you're looking from. I think...

Women who work don't really need financial protection do they?

For one people posting about DP having assets... This is what pre nuptials are for. A man can have a secret will writing DW out as easy as DP could surely?

I don't understand this one point... If a partner/boyfriend can change his will without the girlfriend knowing, who is to say a married man can't do the same thing???

But I found my only reply argument to be 'because it's what I want' be aide they were very good points. Obv today I've spoken about my life ins: he says it's our daughters not his. He doesn't want it. Medical nok: don't worry about these things

Those aren't really the comments of someone who has made an informed decision.

As for relying on him for love, well it isn't really the actions of someone in love with you to make you so unhappy with your situation that you cry at other people's weddings and who is happy to dismiss your very real concerns over life insurance and NOK issues.

Yep,MI- why pay for artificial insemination?

We got the bull for free

:o

Crying a little bit with laughter at this.

Oh, for the day when this is a something more women have to weigh up.

And all that domestic labour we get, too .

Damn it, I've paid a high price for having someone competent at housework (not me) around the house. :o

It's sad because invariably the woman's career will take a back seat to the mans. You can say this isn't true and certainly it shouldn't be true but generally it is.

Therefore if a man has a child with his girlfriend and his girlfriend wishes to get married and he can't explain why he doesn't want to marry her - he just doesn't. It's sad and very selfish of him.

this thread backs up the statistics which prove that cohabiting relationships break down far more frequently than married relationships. Even though the divorce rate is high, it's nowhere near as high as the number of cohabitees who split. If you get married, you're committed. There's something much more solid and permanent about a married relationship.

"Therefore if a man has a child with his girlfriend and his girlfriend wishes to get married and he can't explain why he doesn't want to marry her - he just doesn't. It's sad and very selfish of him."

Is that paragraph any different if the genders are switched?

What statistics? Usually you state everything you say as fact about marriage when it is only an opinion

How long do you have to be together before you are cohabiting, so your split up becomes a statistic?

Is that paragraph any different if the genders are switched?

To my mind, yes.

I think being a man, with all the privilege that implies, and refuse to marry a woman you want to have children with, is a shitty thing to do.

I think if a woman wants to have children with a man and live together without getting married, then as the person who has the most to lose from the arrangement, then that's a different decision.

centre for social justice (independent think tank) found far more cohabiting couples separate.
Can't seem to paste on my phone, but Google 'cohabiting couples more likely to split center social justice' and you'll find it.

Yes, and you'll find it's Ian Duncan-Smith. Nuff said.

I may be selfish, but I'm quite cheerful, really.

www.itv.com/news/topic/centre-for-social-justice/

Anne, I made the decision at the time and haven't thought about it since so forgot about it all tbh. Doesn't make me sound bright haha

Yes cohabiting couples are more likely to split. I read the same thing. Possibly because of the ease to walk away. Lots stay married and simply separate so they statistically wouldn't count.

mother inferior, it's easy to dismiss figures when you don't like what they're (factually, accurately) reporting.