PIL Issue. Need some perspective.

[NameChangedForPILissue]

NC'd for obvious reasons.

PIL are very well off. Rich enough that MIL doesn't and has never worked. FIL earns a huge amount, and is unbelievably tight with it too (refuses to update 25 year old kitchen, 30 year old bathroom, won't buy MIL a new car even though hers is verging on dangerous, won't spend more than £10 per GC at christmas etc).

They are set to become millionaires with some inheritance that is probably due to come in the next year or two. For now they live on their £200k+ a year income with very little expenditure.

For the past 8 years, they have given us money every month to help with our living expenses. It began when DH was at university, before we met, and was the standard parents helping out a child at uni situation. DH always worked PT to top this up.

After leaving uni, DH wasn't able to get a job in his field and so has subsequently had to retrain, and is halfway through that process. This means he is earning low for now as he is studying whilst working so is essentially unskilled. In around 2 years, we hope he will be on a good salary. I am also on a relatively low wage.

We've been married since 2010, and since then they've given us £500 a month to help us out. Obviously, this is very generous and e appreciate this. SIL has had the same.

SIL no longer needs this, as her and her husband have now got high flying careers (lawyer and pilot) and no children, and do FIL has decided to stop all our payments.

We've just moved into a new home, and have a baby due in a few weeks. The timing could not be worse.

DH is so furious he wants to tell him we are cutting him out and never seeing him again. I don't know what to do - is he being selfish and awful? Or is it his money and we should be grateful for what we've had up until now?

Actually OP, I and a few others did see your issue back on the first page and didn't jump down your throat.

We don't all go looking for discrepancies or waiting for someone to trip themselves up.

I don't want anyone to agree with me.

I just wanted someone to understand what I was asking, which was AIBU to be pissed off that he has stopped giving us this without warning', not 'AIBU to stop getting the money'.

I thought when people were going on and on asking for more details it was so they could offer more specific advice, apparently it was so they could try and trip the OP up. Nice.

Sorry owe you an apology just looked at wrong part of gov web site. But 3 weeks mat leave. That's seriously harsh. Good luck OP.

OP, MN should hire you for slow days.

Wowsers, lots of vitriol on this thread. I don't think you're a troll (what would be the point?) but clearly you've been a bit daft so here's some suggestions:

1. 1,350 a month for rent on a two bed flat does appear high (unless London which you say not). Clearly you are best placed to know the market rates in your area but I think you need to consider moving to a cheaper area. I note you say you're locked into an 18 month tenancy but I think you need to speak to landlord to see if you can negotiate getting out early - it's not in their interest to be lumbered with a tenant who can't pay and looking at your income and outgoings, you appear to be at serious risk of ending up in arrears if you don't find something cheaper.
2. Car insurance - see if you renew with a cheaper provider. What you're paying is pretty astronomical - 960pa is more than we pay our insurance on a v powerful car in central London. If the car is a model which is particularly expensive to insure and you really can't do without it, consider trading in for something cheaper to run and insure.
3. Get thee to CAB or similar. You cannot carry on like this. A large one off expense will screw you completely as without the 500pm you have only c320 pm to meet all bills after rent and car insurance. As others have suggested, you may be better off giving up one or more of your jobs to claim benefits or tax credits.
4. Beg your partner not to fly off the handle with the PILs - they have been generous and although the withdrawal of the gift has come as a shock, it's not fair to cut them off in return. And to be honest, I think you're going to have to swallow humble pie and ask for further assistance for the next couple of years at least if you can't make any of the above work. Would they really go from gifting 500 pm to not even contemplating a loan if you came clean about the financial situation? Seems crazy.
5. Do as much as you can to be certain that your partner's salary will increase in two years - just because he will be fully trained, is he automatically assured of a permanent job at a higher salary? It's not always a certainty and you cannot carry on like this.
6. Consider changing jobs yourself. You seem to be putting your health at risk working every hour for not very much. Obviously I don't know your situation re opportunities, etc. but your rent level suggests you live in a big city which I would hope might offer other opportunities which might be more suited to your needs?

HTH

No, sorry classy I know, I am sorry I should have said that too.

It was just after 500 messages of flaming, cinna saw it again and I mentioned that.

There have been some lovely, supportive posters here. That I really appreciate.

*The issue is that he has stopped, without any notice. Gone back on a promise that has led to us making certain choices that we would otherwise not have made.

That's the issue.

Everyone has just got so worked up about how ungrateful I am (I'm not) and didn't see the actual issue.*

I appreciate the issue. It's not nice that you have to deal with this and you feel hurt and upset that an apparent injustice has come about, but (some) people are trying to help you to accept the issue and move on, because it sounds like you won't be able to change FIL's mind.

NamedChanged... please explain why your DH has to pay for his exams, books etc. No one in a professional chartered banking field would have to do that, it just doesn't work like that. I know a 23 yr old doing the same and he doesn't pay for all of this. If you are changing detail for the sake of anonymity, I do understand, but I just don't get the £11K and pay for all of that.

OP you are getting a hell of a flaming here; I feel for you! Especially since you and DH are clearly working yourselves into the ground and are clearly NOT living the life of Riley on someone else's cash (FFS you just moved house to get enough space to have a cot in your bedroom, it's not like you're renting a mansion!); there's no need for everyone to be so vile about you.

FWIW I think YANBU to be shocked/disappointed/flummoxed. Of course you are. Anyone would be.

YWBU to cut contact, DEMAND anything, but you've already acknowledged that.

I totally understand the sorts of figures you're talking. Where I live in London £1350 only gets you a 1-bed. And my car insurance for my 10 year old banger is £800 and I've had a license for 15 years! So ignore everyone who's giving you a hard time on that front.

You sound like you don't know which way is up after the roasting you've had, so let me just add that I don't think YWBU to ask your FIL if he would consider a loan of the money for the next couple of years until your DH qualifies and his salary increases. You can do it properly and sit down and discuss a repayment schedule to kick in when your DH qualifies, agree a sum for interest, and get it all in writing.

If that doesn't work - I agree with others who say it's worth discussing with landlord even though you technically had an 18 month fixed term. I've been a LL and allowed people to leave before their contract is up because a) I'm human and I get that circumstances change, b) demand was good in my area so I knew I would get someone else in and c) it's better to get rid and get new tenants in who can afford it than to be worried about current tenant running up rent arrears. I've always said to them that I'll let them go when I've found someone else to come in. Seems a fair compromise to me. So I don't have to have the place empty but I don't keep them in longer than I need to. So it's definitely worth talking to the LL.

Good luck with it all....

1. We will try to speak to landlord and get out of the lease, but legally we have no right to this. But you never know, they might take pity on us. LL is a company, not a person, so it's unlikely but we will try.

1. Can't renew until November. It is high because we both have only been driving

Hiya- it's worth asking how it works with his employer as each bank/financial institution will have its own policy - ours is covered under our further education policy.

I'm doing some stuff with CIOBS at the moment (from a quick look at the website the BBA qualifications are the same)
The way mine works is:

Entry level cert- fully funded
Next bit/Diploma - fully funded
Next bit (better diploma)- 80% funded, I pay the other 20%
Last bit (Chartership!) - 80% funded, I pay the other 20%

If I leave within 3 years of completing the qualification I'd have to pay some of this back pro rata though.

Really is worth checking though as even half of the path to chartership should be able to get him into a much better paying job and reduce the stress you are both under at the moment.

rousette he doesn't. I am giving what I think is the reason he is on a low salary - to offset the cost of his training. I might be wrong. I will ask him later.

Thanks victrix I will show him that and ask him about it later.

I do know that if he leaves, he has to pay some back.

He reckons he could get a much better job now, based on his current level of achieved training, but he'd have to pay back his current employer for the exams and we can't afford it.

Plus, he has to wait until after paternity leave so isn't an immediate solution anyway.

monal I just spat out my coffee!

Fair enough NameChanged. Well, I wish you luck and FWIW you sound an intelligent woman so hopefully you could change direction into better paid office work.

No problem- the other way of looking at it is that if his employer is happy to invest in him that's always a good sign.

Feel free to PM me if you want.

The landlord can't do anything if you can't pay your rent though, you can't get blood from a stone. You just need to move.

People saying £1350 is normal in london are wrong. Low earners have never paid the "average" for an expensive part of London. You live in the cheap parts, ex council, or outer boroughs. There are also excellent opportunities for low income homeownership. Just because the house down the road from you rents for that does not mean someone like the OP has no choice but to pay it.

I wish I knew how!

I have honestly applied for hundreds of jobs over the years, and can't get into anything else. Nothing. Not even one interview. And I got my CV professionally written by a charity group who help people back into work, as a friend works for them.

I've seen at least one other thread on MN where the OP was berated for accepting financial assistance from a close family member (who can easily afford the money). I'm not sure why this is seen as so terrible. Gratefully accepting financial help and using it to support themselves while training for a job which will eventually allow them to become financially comfortable themselves is not a crime!

OP to answer your question it IS his money and you should be grateful for what you have had up until now. However, I do think its harsh of FIL to cut you off without warning and it might be worth highlighting to him the position this leaves you in and asking if he might consider continuing the allowance as a loan. Your DP sounds great - I'm sure the reaction he is having is a natural knee-jerk reaction to being put under such financial pressure and probably in no small part to do with the relationship he has with his father.

WE DON'T LIVE IN LONDON!!

Thanks nearly.

I think he was just shocked and surprised - he called up PIL to say that this months money hadn't gone into the bank, and was told that they'd decided to stop. So, probably was a knee-jerk anger.

He has issues with FIL anyway for the way he treats MIL with financial things, so I think anything to do with money and FIL, and DH just gets angry.

But yes, WABU.

DH doesn't study with an institution, he does it through his work.

This can't be right, all professional qualifications, including chartered banking, are affiliated with an institution.

If your husbands course is just part of his job, it's not a professional qualification and he won't earn more when he's passed.

Whether it be naively or deliberate deception, what you are posting cannot be correct and is totally clouding the issue.

You are in a shit situation, no one is doubting that, but blaming your PIL isn't going to help. You need to take responsibly for yourselves and your DH needs to put his studies on hold and up his income until you can afford for him to study again.

Oh, OP, I meant to ask - do you live in London by any chance?