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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be irked by presence of ex wife

211 replies

Primadonnagirl · 16/02/2014 18:33

...I think you may probably tell me to get over it but here goes.. DH rarely has anything to do with his ex..not acrimonious it's just as the kids are grown up there is no real reason for contact.However his parents are a different matter..in constant contact .They had a big photo up of her until recEntly . I should say we have been together 15 years. Anyway, this doesn't bother me but the " side effects " do...that is, every time we have a family event she comes too. It's all very civil but I think it's odd and TBH I feel very awkward. It's happening again soon...parents have a big wedding anniversary coming up and she's invited again.I can't do anything about it I know but it just makes me feel so uncomfortable..She's the mother of DHs kids etc.. I get that...but I'm his wife..I just feel "second best"...what do you think?!

OP posts:
NachoAddict · 16/02/2014 20:51

needahokiday They resented ds from the off because they feared dsd would get pushed out. Far from it but Mil is a strange woman. DS is better off without her.

needaholidaynow · 16/02/2014 21:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

2rebecca · 16/02/2014 21:17

I don't think YABU. I could understand her including her if the break up was recent and their grandchildren young out of fear that they would lose contact with the grandchildren.
If your husband isn't unhappy about the situation or isn't willing to tell them he's unhappy with the situation then you are stuck with it.
My dad wouldn't invite my ex round without checking that I was happy with it first. To me that's normal as I expect him to love me more than my ex and for my opinions to be more important to him than my ex's.
Similarly if my son marries and divorces keeping a good relationship with him would be more important to me than keeping on good terms with his ex, whoever caused the split.
I don't think this situation is them putting you as second best (you are still invited) but them not putting their son first.
They obviously like her so you're stuck with just going to the extended family occasions you have to go to. Them being "in constant contact" sounds odd, but not much you can do about it.

Ziplex · 16/02/2014 21:33

Bet all the nasty commenters are ex-wives!!
My Grandmother kept a photo of my parents in prime position up until she died... They were married 5 years and my Dad had remarried, he and SM when Gran died had been married over 30 years.
My Mother by good grace didn't attend family parties, partly because I didn't want her there!! I find it utterly awful when my parents are in the same room, I panic and my anxiety hits the roof.
YANBU IMHO I wouldn't want my husbands ex there and he wouldn't want mine plus our children wouldn't want them there as they are well adjusted and happy.

Original poster
Primadonnagirl · 16/02/2014 21:37

I do have to accept I'm stuck with it Imkniw but I dont have to like it...mind you, wait till the DCs get married and that will be a whole other dilemma !!!

OP posts:
thegreylady · 16/02/2014 21:49

Primadonna do you and your dh have dc together?

woollytights · 16/02/2014 21:49

YANBU. It's not "lovely" if it makes people uncomfortable.

YoureBeingASillyBilly · 16/02/2014 21:52

Yabu.

They get to invite whoever they want to family events. Its your own insecurities that are making you have a problem with this. She is family to them. If you didnt like their neice would you expect them to stop inviting her because you wanted it?

ENormaSnob · 16/02/2014 21:53

Trying to picture xp chuckin some shapes at our family parties...

No no no

Its weird.

Yadnbu

MisForMumNotMaid · 16/02/2014 21:54

You don't have to like it.

The only bit in your control is management of yourself and finding a way to not allow each event to be a little more stressful than the last is so necessary to not end up like a pressure cooker ready to explode at the slightest future comment (which will no doubt happen).

Is your DH definitely not up for saying something?

Original poster
Primadonnagirl · 16/02/2014 21:56

No we don't have children. I don't think I am insecure... Certainly not jealous..I just feel awkward that's all esp since MIL has said she wishes they'd never separated..it's just not easy being around an ex

OP posts:
YoureBeingASillyBilly · 16/02/2014 21:57

One of my uncles divorced his wife about 20 years ago. Until about 10 years ago i thought she was an actual blood aunt to me because my mum's entire family have treated her like a sister and she has been invited to every event. We celebrate her birthday just like the rest of the family. She kicked him out btw.

Original poster
Primadonnagirl · 16/02/2014 21:59

DH won't say anything cos he is of the opinion we shouldn't make a fuss...which I realise I can't do but I wish I didn't have to smile sweetly throughout it all..but I suppose it's only one day ( and not as bad as the time they invited her for Christmas lunch!)

OP posts:
MisForMumNotMaid · 16/02/2014 22:06

The jealous and insecure comments weren't intended to be bitchy. I was no doubt projecting from my own situation. I'm sorry if they have offended you.

Do you think the awkwardness could stem more from discomfort you feel on behalf of your DH?

JohnFarleysRuskin · 16/02/2014 22:10

They are weird, really.

My dad gets on well with ex-h. Would he Invite him around to stuff without my say? Nooooo

ADishBestEatenCold · 16/02/2014 22:13

YANBY. Actually, OP, you are a far, far more patient and understanding person than I would be in these circumstances.

I understand that they like her and that, as the mother of their grandchildren, she is part of their family, but that you have been subjected to 15 years of feeling uncomfortable at family events held by your ILs is intolerable.

I think that it is time for you to put your foot down over this and more than time for your DH to support you in this. There is no need for anybody to fall out or be offended and no need for your ILs to change their plans to have their ExDIL at their event, but I do think your DH should tell his parents "We do understand that you're fond of ExDIL and want her at the party, but actually Prima and I do feel rather awkward with these situations. We would rather take you both out (for dinner, or whatever) to celebrate your anniversary (or whatever this event is), instead of attending the party, and that way you can have the best of both worlds".

I have got to say, while I do think that successfully blended families can be rather wonderful, I am stunned that there are posters on this thread who seem to think you are being unreasonable for feeling this way.

WooWooOwl · 16/02/2014 22:30

I can't see any problem with the situation except your discomfort, and that's really not a good enough reason to stop extended family members treating each other as family.

I consider my ex to be part of my extended family because I share children with him. We are the most important people in the world to the people that I love more than anything, so to me it seems weird when families don't make the effort to get on.

Maybe your in laws had to put a lot of effort in to maintain this relationship in the early days after the split for the sake of the grandchildren, and over the course of fifteen years (and ten before that) they have grown to consider this woman who they happen to like as a permanent fixture in their family.

It's a nice thing, so much better than their being animosity or a complete lack of contact for no real reason.

pigletmania · 16/02/2014 23:53

Yes they can remain friends with her separately, but should resect their ds and his marriage with you. What they are doing is inappropriate and weird, having a photo of her in their house Hmm

pigletmania · 16/02/2014 23:56

Christmas lunch [shick] doesent she hava family to go to!

pigletmania · 16/02/2014 23:56
Shock
Dumpylump · 17/02/2014 00:17

The trouble is, I quite see why op is uncomfortable with this - I would be too, but after this amount of time has passed, how do you ask the PIL to stop inviting her to things?
I imagine the response would be "oh goodness, after all this time you're upset? You were fine up til now, don't be so silly!"

RonaldMcDonald · 17/02/2014 00:22

I think that it is up to your in laws

Tbh I have a great relationship with my ex mil, always did.

I think that there is and should be space for all. My MIL has pics of me, the kids and I and even probably a stray wedding photograph on one of her sideboards.
She's a doll and it is up to her.

Once you accept that you cannot control the past or old ladies it will all become a lot easier

IneedAsockamnesty · 17/02/2014 00:26

Yabu and really quite childish.

They are allowed to be friends with whomever they wish they can invite them to events hosted by them and display what ever photos they want to.

All this you can't be friends because we are no longer an item should have been grown out of when you hit 15.

Being friends with one does not devalue the other and in the absence of safety issues and abuse is not showing disloyalty.

Your DH chose you because he loves you that's what matters

YoureBeingASillyBilly · 17/02/2014 00:48

Ive just had a think about the family response if uncle re-married and brought up that his wife didnt like first wife being at family events. Quite frankly he'd have to pick us all up off the floor and wait for us to finish laughing in order for us to be able to tell him to trot on. The idea that we'd suddenly stop having auntie X at everything is actually unthinkable. It just wouldnt happen. She is family. And hasnt done anything to deserve being kicked out of it.

ComposHat · 17/02/2014 00:59

YABU

Your husband has a history. He had children with his 1st wife, his family have a relationship with her, as a close friend as well as the mother of their grandchildren. Preserving a close and amicable relationship was beneficial for all concerned when the children were growing up.

Do you really expect them to obliterate their past just because he is now married to you or to say 'right ex-daughter in law, the grandchildren are now of an age when you aren't needed to facilitate grand parental visits, will you now please fuck off out of our lives.'

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