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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be irked by presence of ex wife

211 replies

Primadonnagirl · 16/02/2014 18:33

...I think you may probably tell me to get over it but here goes.. DH rarely has anything to do with his ex..not acrimonious it's just as the kids are grown up there is no real reason for contact.However his parents are a different matter..in constant contact .They had a big photo up of her until recEntly . I should say we have been together 15 years. Anyway, this doesn't bother me but the " side effects " do...that is, every time we have a family event she comes too. It's all very civil but I think it's odd and TBH I feel very awkward. It's happening again soon...parents have a big wedding anniversary coming up and she's invited again.I can't do anything about it I know but it just makes me feel so uncomfortable..She's the mother of DHs kids etc.. I get that...but I'm his wife..I just feel "second best"...what do you think?!

OP posts:
VoyageDeVerity · 16/02/2014 19:36

Good lord this is bloody odd.
Why on earth does she want to rock up to family events after all these years.

I suspect just to piss you off actually.

hickorychicken · 16/02/2014 19:37

Voyage Hmm

Or maybe because the PIL's are lovely and welcoming and she gets invited Hmm

Caitlin17 · 16/02/2014 19:39

She is and always will be the mother of their grandchildren. Unless she was a terrible
mother and the children themselves have turned against her why should the grandparents reject her?

Your in-laws are setting an excellent example of behaving like proper, mature grown -ups for their grandchildren.

shakinstevenslovechild · 16/02/2014 19:40

My in laws have my dhs ex fiance (from 17 years ago) living in their spare room. She hates me, they hate me and dhs Mum never misses an oppourtunity to tell me that his ex is the woman I will never live up to in their eyes. They were only together for 18 months and have no children together Hmm

On the other hand his ex who he was with for 7 years and has 2 children with is as hated as I am. I don't think it would bother me as much if it was her who they still involved in family occassions because she and dh and his family still have a link through my DSC, if they had a relationship it would make it far easier for my DSC now that they are thinking about getting married and have children etc.

NachoAddict · 16/02/2014 19:40

Yanbu. My inlaws would often invite us round and her and we all had to sit round a table together and chat away like best friends. Its just odd. Especially because when she's not there they pull her to pieces. Mil even said once that she wished her breaks would fail so the she (mil) could keep dsd. They put up with her because ex would stop them seeing dsd otherwise.

I have nothing to do with any of them anymore. They are dp's problem, not mine and I feel so much better for bowing out.

They see his ex's new baby with her new partner several times a week but haven't seen ds, their own flesh and blood for over 7 months. We live about 6 mins away.

springykyrie · 16/02/2014 19:42

Then you can Hmm me too, because I think it's weird.

Perhaps if they'd asked you if you mind, Prima, that might be one thing, but they didn't, just blithely carried on without a thought for how you may feel about it. Disrespectful and weird imo.

whomadeyougod · 16/02/2014 19:44

i think staying in touch with ex inlaws is ok if there are children from that marriage , i would not go to family events if i was her i would feel like a cling on .

needaholidaynow · 16/02/2014 19:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

foslady · 16/02/2014 19:49

I'm off to my xBIL's wedding on Saturday.
My dd is bridesmaid.
So will xh and the woman he left me for.

It's not for my xh or his partner to dictate if I go or not, it's up to my xBIL. He and his partner want me there. My dd wants me there. It's 5 years since he left. If xh's new partner doesn't like it then tough, it's not her event to dictate invites. (and I became good friends with his xgf that he lived with before we got together).

revealall · 16/02/2014 19:50

YABU. I would understand how you feel if it was early day's. The PIL's should give you and their son some respect by not bringing up his ex. However it's been years! You are together and have been for years. I really can't see why it would bother you (although I can see why you might feel second best if they genuinely like her better).

Liara · 16/02/2014 19:52

Unless they are inviting her instead of you YABU.

I am from a massive blended family where exes are systematically invited to events (and there are lots of them!)

It is really nice for the children (yes, even the grown up ones!) to feel that there is no need to 'pick sides' in terms of who is included - everyone you love is, whether they be current, step, ex or whatever.

Does make for some seriously oversized events though. Grin

Ilovemydogandmydoglovesme · 16/02/2014 19:52

Has she not remarried in all this time? Does she have a new partner and new set of in-laws? If she has they must wonder why she keeps hanging round her exh's family.

NachoAddict · 16/02/2014 19:57

needaholiday MIL was saying while ex was pregnant that of course she would have the new baby over night because dsd would want her baby sister to come with her. DS was 10 months old and never stayed the night. One time we had been there ds was asleep upstairs and she said oh don't forget to take your baby home.

Life is bliss since I went non contact with them.

TamerB · 16/02/2014 20:02

I think that since the general trend on MN is that PIL are a necessary evil they can't understand that some are loved! You don't just break it off because the couple do. If I broke up with my DH it doesn't alter the fact that I have a separate, long standing relationship with his parents in my own right. I wouldn't go to a big family occasion, but I would see them regularly on my own- as I do now. I can't imagine DH cutting off my elderly mother after all these years.

MisForMumNotMaid · 16/02/2014 20:06

I have a good relationship with my outlaws. The new wife he left me for doesn't approve. She's welcome to him. She was the moment he told me about his affair. She's not welcome to rewrite my existence or relationships with my wider family.

We are linked through the blood of their DGC. I've known them all my adult life. My FIL for longer, he worked with my dad all my life.

I don't understand why my divorce means I should make adjustments to my relationships with anyone but the man I divorced. I'm not local so event attendance isn't an issue but they come to see me when ever they go to their son and his wifes house. I also have contact with my BIL who i've always got on very well with.

I have contact because they're people I've shared so much of my life with. I care for them, they for me. Its absolutely nothing to do with spiting my XH's wife.

I don't understand why she is getting so much under your skin. I read it as a mass insecurity and possibly even jealousy on your part. You need to find a coping strategy because if this has been going on fifteen years its no doubt going to go on indefinitely.

Right or wrong fair or not, it is what it is.

Look to the strengths. He chose and chooses to be with you. From the little I interpret, you too are welcomed. She is not outwardly antagonistic. The gatherings sound big so you are not on top of each other.

If it wasn't for the history of her being first wife and she was just a relative you didn't see eye to eye with how would you handle it?

Original poster
Primadonnagirl · 16/02/2014 20:07

She hasn't met anyone else since they split. I suppose I also sensitive cos I know Mil has said they should have stayed together

OP posts:
needaholidaynow · 16/02/2014 20:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MisForMumNotMaid · 16/02/2014 20:15

I'll bet your mother in law has also passed comment that you make your DH very happy, that you are well suited, that you cooked a wonderful meal/ hosted a great event, looked fantastic etc etc etc. maybe not always in your earshot but over fifteen years I bet they number in the hundreds or even thousands. If it helps ask your DH to think about a few for you to fall back on in insecure moments. Don't put him on the spot give him a few days - you know how it is you always think of these things the next day and not when you're pressed for them.

Are you sure that you have the complete picture of what was being expressed? Stayed together for the children, because thats what married people do, because thats what she felt her audience ought to hear her say, because she was having a momentary bitch and knew that was a cheap way to hit a nerve?

zipzap · 16/02/2014 20:16

Just out of interest - do the PIL have a picture of you up in their house that was as big and prominent as the one of the ex and at what point did they put it up relative to your relationship with your dh?

MaryWestmacott · 16/02/2014 20:24

I think it's lovely they invite her, I think it's very bad form of her to accept. It must look to the whole extended family she is trying to stamp "my territory" all over it, it's nice they still like her, but really not that MIL makes it clear she prefers the first wife.

Original poster
Primadonnagirl · 16/02/2014 20:27

She had a picture of their ( dh and his ex ) wedding day up until we got married but had a picture of the ex up until only very recently! I don't have a problem with their friendship ..I just think they are a bit insensitive..and as a result I. Just feel awkward in her presence..it's al,it's as if MIl sees her as the real wife....

OP posts:
nkf · 16/02/2014 20:30

Maybe they like her and maybe they don't realise that you feel uncomfortable. If the split was amicable and a long time ago, maybe they think everyone is cool about meeting. Or their grandchildren like to have their mother at big family events. What does your husband think?

Original poster
Primadonnagirl · 16/02/2014 20:33

DH doesn't like it but he's a " don't rock the boat " kind of person so he will never ever say anything

OP posts:
alistron1 · 16/02/2014 20:40

My parents split up over 20 years ago. At events involving my mums family my dad is still invited because he's still part of the wider family - even though dsis and I are adults and our mum has been married to her DH for longer than she was to our dad!

KingR0llo · 16/02/2014 20:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.