To be irked by presence of ex wife

[Primadonnagirl]

...I think you may probably tell me to get over it but here goes.. DH rarely has anything to do with his ex..not acrimonious it's just as the kids are grown up there is no real reason for contact.However his parents are a different matter..in constant contact .They had a big photo up of her until recEntly . I should say we have been together 15 years. Anyway, this doesn't bother me but the " side effects " do...that is, every time we have a family event she comes too. It's all very civil but I think it's odd and TBH I feel very awkward. It's happening again soon...parents have a big wedding anniversary coming up and she's invited again.I can't do anything about it I know but it just makes me feel so uncomfortable..She's the mother of DHs kids etc.. I get that...but I'm his wife..I just feel "second best"...what do you think?!

[LoonvanBoon]

Divorce is something that happens between two people. The implications of divorce for the wider family are likely to vary from case to case, but it's nonsense, rebecca, to imply that it means divorcing your children's grandparents.

If only blood relatives & relatives by marriage are allowed to count as family,to be consistent you're going to need to discount long-term partners who aren't married, adopted children etc. Anyway, what a cheek to try & tell other people who they should count as members of their family! The PIL in this case DO count their ex DIL, their GC's mum, as part of their family, & that's all there is to it.

On your picture, women (as it's a woman in this case) are to be defined purely by their relationship to one man, & can be discarded once their legal & sexual partnership no longer exists. No doubt there are PIL who take precisely that view with regard to their children's exes, & that maybe one of the reasons there are often sadly issues with contact with GC & so on.

In the OP's extended family the attitude seems much more mature & inclusive - a bit sad that some people see that as a negative.

[YoureBeingASillyBilly]

It doesnt really matter how many women here wouldnt want it- everyone's situation is different and what is ok with some is not ok with others. OP's DH and his family have clearly not had problems with her relationship continuing to this point. I'll say again- she isnt just "johnny's ex" she has relationships with these people completely independant of him.

[YoureBeingASillyBilly]

This has reminded me if an 'issue' my exp recently brought up. He wanted to know why i was 'friendly' with his mum and his fiancee's family. What he means by friendly is that when his mum collects my dcs for contact i chat about the dcs for about 20 seconds and tht one day when out my dcs saw his fiancee''s family and waved and said hello, i smiled and said hello too and they stopped an chatted with my dcs for about 1 minute then we said goodbye. Aparently this is odd an he doesnt see why i need to be so friendly with them.

[LoonvanBoon]

And if having to see an ex-partner at the occasional family event is enough to prevent people from moving on, how are on earth are they going to manage with regards to their children?

In any case, the OP has said in this case that her DH doesn't feel as strongly as she does about the presence of his ex at family occasions, so the issue isn't about her DH being able to move on. They've been together 15 years, anyway!

For the OP there seems to be an issue about feeling her PIL preferred her DH's ex-wife; & certainly if they make that obvious to her, then that is a problem. But that's not in itself about her presence at family events.

Maybe the ex's children wouldn't be too thrilled about their mum being excluded from their GPs' parties & so on, either - or doesn't that matter?

[ADishBestEatenCold]

Primadonnagirl, you've maybe already mentioned this, if so I'm sorry for rehashing, but has your DH's ExW remarried (or is in a relationship) and, if so, does her DH/DP attend these family events?

[sleepyhead]

My uncle's ex wife is my aunt. She's the mother of my cousin, my mum still considers her a sister, my gran considers her a daughter. She was "officially" part of our family for 18 years, but my uncle divorced her, we didn't

My uncle's current wife is lovely, everyone gets on with her and likes her a lot. She's part of the family too, but there isn't the same shared history so the relationship is different. I consider her a friend, but not an aunt.

Both get invited to everything. Sometimes they both go (weddings, funerals), sometimes one or the other. I'm glad no one made us choose.

[cardibach]

Great. Haven't RTFT, but I could be the ex wife in this scenario. I have a relationship with PiLs and I am the mother of their first grandchild. I am invited to events in my own right, not as the ex, and now it seems this is offensive and weird. Fabulous. SO all the work I put in to ensuring their was no 'atmosphere' in her family for DD was in vain as the OW/new wife will find it odd.
Lucky my ex married a mature adult not a High School mean girl, really, isn't it. Grow up OP.

[ADishBestEatenCold]

"Lucky my ex married a mature adult not a High School mean girl, really, isn't it. Grow up OP"

I think that sounds rather harsh cardibach. It does sound as if all the people involved (in your family situation) do get on well, without anyone taking a particular stance (or making particular comments) that would cause an uncomfortable atmosphere for any individual.

That's great, really good, but do you think that would still hold true if your MIL was going around saying to your ExH DW (or in her hearing) that "she wishes (her) DS and cardibach never separated".

Do you think the atmosphere would still be as comfortable for all individuals then?

[Liara]

I'm just saying relationships change over time and I do think it's part of divorce to accept that family dynamics change and that to have two " wives" together is likely to be awkward. I'm not her enemy..we can make reasonable conversation but I would be lying if I said I was comfortable about it.

So when his dc get married will you not attend the wedding? Or do you expect their mother not to? Because if it is neither, then there will be 'two wives' there. And if you believe this is awkward, then you would be making her feel awkward at her child's wedding - which would be wrong of you.

[innisglas]

I think you should not have married a divorced man, but now that you did, you should get on with it.

[IAmOwedMoney]

I think you should not have married a divorced man, but now that you did, you should get on with it.

I second this.

[Primadonnagirl]

I should not have married a divorced man??? wtf?? So no one is allowed a chance at happiness the second time around?? Let me be clear..I do absolutely respect her role as the mother of my Dhs children.. I have a good relationship with her..I do not for one minute think my Pils should cast her aside...BUT my point is I have been his wife for 15 years now and I don't think it is unreasonable for me not to want to be enthusiastic about pretending we are all some happy blended family . Clearly such families exist..as some of you have described..but that's not our experience. I am merely saying I struggle to pretend this dynamic is Ok and I'm tired of putting on a polite face. it doesn't mean I hate her..don't love my step kids etc..I just want some respect for my feelings.Not that it matter but the ex hasn't had a partner since they split so I can't draw any comparisons to her life..but if she did I doubt she'd want me turning up at her parties!!!









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[YoureBeingASillyBilly]

But OP why is it not ok to you? Can you say why, if you get on with her ok etc why its not ok?

[stooshe]

Take the Patti Hansen high road. She is the wife of Keith Richards and has two children for him. Keith is still friendly with Anita Pallenberg, mother of his two eldest and ex heroin addict companion.
Whilst Keith's mother was alive she was still friendly with Anita and there are many family photos with Patti and Anita in the same photo.
As Willie Nelson said...there really isn't anything as an "ex" wife. Especially if the split was amicable and children were involved.
We get a lot of stories on here of mother in laws (especially) who side with errant sons and leave out the "hard done by" ex and children.
Your in laws could have one of those sorts. Bump up your confidence and go forth with the knowledge that if you and your partner split, you won't be cast into "never existed" sea, like many others are when they split with a partner.

[Primadonnagirl]

Why is it not ok ?? Well I suppose because it's awkward on introductions ( Mil introduces her as her first daughter in law) .we all tend to sit together ( cos the rest of the family are much older)so we are into " forced " conversation..we have little in common ( other than a husband!!) so it's polite conversation territory ..it's not frosty but it's like talking to a colleague IYKWIM..plus it's very uncomfortable for DH..be honest who feels completely fine with ex and current partner together ?! So I feel after 15 years his parents should accept the dynamics have changed..I don't mean that she's no longer a part of the family but she has a different role now..as do I.

[Primadonnagirl]

Being lighthearted now..but would you expect Diana and Camilla to get on at a family do??!!

[YoureBeingASillyBilly]

Yes tbh i reckon camilla and diana would have gotten on for the sake of appearances.

I dont feel awkward around my ex and his fiancee but thats probably because i have long since stopped giving a shite whether conversation flows or not- if i need to see them i do and say whatever needs said. Exp and fiancee obviously do find it awkward as he raised it and they hid in the kitchen like children when his mum invited me in for 3 minutes at xmas while my dcs gathered up their things.

I really disagree that its inappropriate to invite a close frend and the mother of your GCs/nephew nieces to family events.

[IAmOwedMoney]

Camilla cheated with Dianna's husband, did you too?

I guess Dianna would have tolerated Camilla for the sake of her son's. They were friendly at the beginning.

[MisForMumNotMaid]

This is a very interesting thread. Its really interesting to see this dynamic from the other view point. The second wife in my circumstance was sleeping with my then husband whilst i was looking after a newborn and disabled toddler. I bare her no malice - he was the cheater (she cheated on her husband not me). She resents me though which I just don't understand. I've tried and succeeded to maintain good relationships with the wider family. My MIL accepted her but didn't take down my wedding photos, i did. I gave her nice ones of the DC to replace them with. They made me uncomfortable.

The Camila/ Diana thing is interesting. It would have been Diana in the public eye at the engagement/ wedding/ birth/ Christening wouldn't it? Camila at the day to day public ribbon cuttings at Charles' side.

They would have been stuck in the same room, all very political as to who sat where, no doubt with neither having any say. Very much you chose this life you're stuck with it. All stiff upper lip no emotion allowed.

[Primadonnagirl]

Oh I knew someone was going to say this...no I was not the other woman!!! They had been divorced a long time before we met..as I said the Diana ref was lighthearted! Meaning two people with the same husband in the past don't automatically get on!!

[Primadonnagirl]

Please forget I mentioned Diana...