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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think that dh has a secret facebook and that must mean the worst?

133 replies

hidinginoblivion · 16/02/2014 18:07

I deleted my FB account a few months (permanently deleted it) and today I decided to create a new one, out of boredom/interest etc.

I started adding people I know when a mutual friend came up - dh. The mutual friends I had in common are his two close friends and his brother. DH already has an account, one which I was friends with before and re-added. This is an entirely separate one - he is using a shortened version of his name and the profile photo is a very recent one. I can't see anything else as it's private.

I can see his main one with all friends and family etc. I asked my friend to have a look on her account and I sent her the link and it just comes up with page missing.

aibu to think the worst? dh is currently working away and ... I don't want to ask him because it would be all too easy to delete.

OP posts:

PosyFossilsShoes · 16/02/2014 21:22

I know several people who have two accounts, one for the usual assortment of family, friends, people they've not seen in 20 years but sat next to at school etc, and another for a different set of friends - all of those have the secret accounts because of closeted sexuality or gender issues. One is transitioning and has a facebook account in their new gender (but hasn't told many people yet about the transition, presumably will shut down the second account when going public with it), one is gay and has a fb account where he can be open (yes, everyone's told him that this is now 2014), one is a transvestite who has a separate account for his female persona and one is into BDSM and has a separate account where she can be open about that without scandalising her boss or her granny. And those are just the ones I know about because I'm friends with both of their personalities.

Okay, it's all sex & gender related but not all secrets are bad secrets. Although that doesn't help if it comes to deceit & how to handle it. Good luck OP.

QOD · 16/02/2014 21:32

My dh doesn't do Facebook but even if he did, I wouldn't have him. It's my place! I'd probably have 2 if he were on it ..

Original poster

hidinginoblivion · 16/02/2014 22:23

He texts me back to say it was a second account he had just for him and his friends for in jokes and meet ups that he doesn't use and had forgot about it so when I requested it he remembered and deleted it.

Except his profile photo was recent, like taken 2 weeks ago recent

OP posts:

StolenShortcake · 16/02/2014 22:26

It doesn't matter if he has deleted it. Call him and ask for the password, right now.

The page itself can be reactivated by logging into it within a month or so of requesting deletion. Most of the time, you can still reactive even after that. The page will be exactly as it was when it was deleted - so as long as he hasn't deleted individual contacts/messages/posts, they'll be there until then at least.

AliceinWinterWonderland · 16/02/2014 22:26

so don't tell him now, but wait until he is home and have him "reinstate" it for you in front of you - so you can look at it right then. But don't give him any warning you're going to do that.

AliceinWinterWonderland · 16/02/2014 22:27

if you ask for the password, he could delay long enough to delete anything on there... it's a tough one.. how computer savvy is he?

VelmaD · 16/02/2014 22:36

You can pm me a link to the old profile and I can see if he's blocked you or if its gone gone?

LiberalLibertine · 16/02/2014 22:38

Oh shit, it sounds like he's lying doesn't it?

dreamingbohemian · 16/02/2014 22:47

I'm sorry OP, it does sound like he's lying then.

I don't know what you can do though. If you ask him to reinstate it I'm sure he'll have deleted everything so you'll never know.

harriet247 · 16/02/2014 22:52

I dont believe a word of it :( echo what everyone else says, id wait for him to get in and make him reinstate it in front of me, i know this sou ds awful but i woukd want access to all his email accounts to make sure he was on dating sites too

AwfulMaureen · 16/02/2014 22:52

OP I did think that it could be a private account for "in jokes" and stuff...the sort of thing he wouldn't want his colleagues etc to see.

He could be telling the truth. Best not to assume the worst yet. Is he usually trustworthy? Have you had cause to doubt him in the past?

CSIJanner · 16/02/2014 23:03

I would like to give him the benefit of the doubt, especially as you could only see his brothers and his mates as friends on there. However, you can create subgroups in FB where you only allow posts to be seen by that group - none of your other friends can see those posts. I don't know how long the subgroups facility has been around for though

NoArmaniNoPunani · 16/02/2014 23:07

If the profile pic was recent and he claims the account was so old that he forgot about it then there's no doubt that he's lying

MamaPingu · 16/02/2014 23:08

It's nice that are people are suggesting to give him the benefit of the doubt but he said it was "ages ago" although the picture was 2 weeks ago?!

Alarm bells are ringing for me OP.

Tell him to reinstate it in front of you, I don't think he will have deleted what's on there just quickly deleted the account ASAP.

It is not unreasonable to ask him to do this. If he is innocent he should happily do so!

MrCabDriver · 16/02/2014 23:12

If it's old why would he have a recent picture?

If it's old and he forgot about it, how come he knew he had a friend request from you? I don't think 'getting an email notification' will cut it either - he'd have got them all the time from other things.

Why can't he joke with friends and plan meet ups on a normal account?

All sounds very suspicious.

How long have you been together?
How mixed/separate are your social lives?

I'd ask for the password to be honest and log in ......

BrunoBrookesDinedAlone · 16/02/2014 23:23

He's lying.

I think the best course of action would be:

Pm details to someone who can verify that account is still there or not.

Wait until he comes home - don't raise suspicion before then, appear to accept his story.

When he's home, tell him you want the password and for him to retrieve the account NOW, in front of you.

If he won't...then you have a lot of thinking to do.

Have thee been issues with trust/fidelity before now ??

Coconutty · 16/02/2014 23:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Electryone · 16/02/2014 23:48

Sorry Im another one who thinks hes lying.

JapaneseMargaret · 16/02/2014 23:48

Oh dear.

It all may well still be perfectly innocent, but he's behaving as if it's dodgy, and he's telling actual lies.

It's his own behaviour that's making this seem really suspicious. He's an idiot and he's not helping the situation.

splasheeny · 17/02/2014 00:42

Is he hopeless with technology? My mum has 2 as I think she couldn't log into her first one.. or maybe forgot she had it.

TheseAreTheJokesFolks · 17/02/2014 01:23

Even if one believed it was just an in-joke banter with the lads account there would be no reason to delete it.
He is hiding something even if it is a timeline of sexist jokes and tit pics.
Sorry

FreakinScaryCaaw · 17/02/2014 02:01

for you.

MrsTerryPratchett · 17/02/2014 02:10

The lying isn't great, is it? Has he got form?

Bluethirsty · 17/02/2014 02:49

Sorry if this a stupid question but what exactly do people suspect him of? If I was having an affair I might set up a separate email account but why would I post on Facebook for my friends to see?

steff13 · 17/02/2014 03:04

It doesn't make much sense, IMO, but clearly something is up, or he wouldn't be lying.

I suppose if I wanted to communicate with men other than my husband, I might create a fake profile so said men could find me. I can't imagine having my actual friends and/or family members on that page, but I guess it depends on the friends. Some people wouldn't want any part of that sort of thing, some might look the other way. Or, perhaps I might use the FB messenger feature to communicate with men, and my friends and family might not know that's what's going on. You'd have to have some people as friends, a friendless profile screams fake.

I hope it works out that it's something innocent, OP.

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