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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think I should be allowed to stay home with my dc?

63 replies

Annoyedatdp · 14/02/2014 20:52

First time poster here..
I have 2 wonderful dc aged 2 months old, the issue of going back to work after my mat leave has just come up. My dp wants me to go back to work as he says he cannot pay for me to stay at home (even though he just reduced his hours at work) when he is home he looks after the dc for an hour on weekdays and 4 hours on weekends, he also does 1/4 of the housework.
Aibu in telling him I'm not going back to work because I like being at home with the children and its saving us money on childcare etc?

OP posts:

Writerwannabe83 · 14/02/2014 20:53

Even though you'd be paying for childcare, would your joint income still be higher if you did return to work??

Waltonswatcher1 · 14/02/2014 20:54

Didn't you discuss this before ?!

Joules68 · 14/02/2014 20:54

What was decided before you had children?

zeezeek · 14/02/2014 20:55

Maybe he doesn't want to increase his hours again because he wants to help with childcare? You are being a bit U.

gamerchick · 14/02/2014 20:55

I think it's a couple decision... one insisting and going against the others thoughts always breeds resentment.

many conversations are needed.. however I would think that you have a bit of time before making that choice. You may be chomping at the bit to go back in time.. it's still early days.

sayxa · 14/02/2014 20:55

Yes. You know you should have worked out the details of this before getting pregnant though. If you "tell" him you don't want to work, what if he "tells" you he is not letting you have any of his wages?

SybilRamkin · 14/02/2014 20:55

Erm, I don't think you can be a SAHM unless your DP is happy for you to do so - similarly, if you wanted to return to work and your DP wanted you to stay at home, it's wrong.

BOTH partners should be part of the discussion - you do not have the right to expect your DP to support your choice to stay at home if he's not happy with it.

joanofarchitrave · 14/02/2014 20:56

Well, can you jointly afford it? What is your budget?

It's got to be a joint decision. Just deciding you're going to be at home is a quick route to resentment between you.

However, if you can show how you can save money by being at home (and there are quite a few expenses you can cut down on in that way) then there's a case to be made.

Sleepyhead33 · 14/02/2014 20:56

you can't really tell him that tbh-it is understandable that you feel that way but you have to come to an agreement together otherwise there will be too much resentment on both sides to very be happy.

Did he discuss reducing his hours with you?

have you discussed how Childcare/housework etc will be split if you return to work?

akachan · 14/02/2014 20:56

Could you both go part time?

ISingSoprano · 14/02/2014 20:56

I think together you need to do a proper analysis of income vs costs based on both scenarios and then take it from there.

JRmumma · 14/02/2014 20:57

YABU to tell him you aren't going back to work. You should discuss as a family and work out what you can afford or are willing to sacrifice in order for you to stay home.

Its not just your choice IMO.

Original poster

Annoyedatdp · 14/02/2014 20:57

I had always wanted to go back to work but now I want to stay at home. If I went back to work we would have a higher salary but most of my money would be spent on childcare as I have a low paid job.

OP posts:

Jess03 · 14/02/2014 20:57

It is early days, do you have part time options? You may find by 6 months you've changed your mind. Surely you budgeted to figure out what was possible before do reduced his hours/you had the dc?

Primafacie · 15/02/2014 01:37

How much would you have left after childcare?

GenerationX · 15/02/2014 01:41

ok but what does your DH want? Its not fair to demand he puts in extra hours just because you don't want to work

fideline · 15/02/2014 01:50

You wouldn't be the first woman (or man) to change your plans once faced with real babies.

What timescale do you have to resolve this? When are work (and DH) expecting you to return from ML?

lechers · 15/02/2014 01:57

Yes YABU.

Why do you expect him to work to support you? If you tell him you're not going back to work, then that is in effect what you are telling him to do, and that is rather entitled and selfish IMHO.

Rather, you both need to sit down and find a compromise that works for both of you. You need to look at and consider all the options - you SAH whilst your DP works full time, your DP SAH whilst you work full time, you both work full time, or your DP works full time whilst you go part time, and finally you both going part time. Obviously, there will be some options that you will be able to rule out almost immediately, due to how much you both earn, but I do believe that this has got to be a joint decision. I know several friends where the woman just declared she wasn't going to work again, and it has bred resentment on behalf of the man, who has had the whole of the burden of bringing in the wage alone, and has had to work very long hours to sustain it.

It has got to be a joint decision.

squoosh · 15/02/2014 02:04

I understand that although you may have discussed things pre-kids you may have completely changed your mind now they're here.

How much financially worse off would you be if you aren't working, what proportion of your salary would be spent on childcare?

YoureBeingASillyBilly · 15/02/2014 02:07

Compromise

MrsTerryPratchett · 15/02/2014 02:10

I had always wanted to go back to work but now I want to stay at home. That is an issue. This happened with DH and I. We had childcare issues, changes, I felt bad for DD. I wanted to change and stay at home. DH wasn't keen. He was worried about the loss of income and losing my very hard to come by job. In the end we discussed all the options and both decided that I would take a year off work with DD. Going in without discussion and agreement will end in resentment.

YoureBeingASillyBilly · 15/02/2014 02:16

OP would you be willing to state a time frame for how long you want to SAH? Is dc going to have siblings or be an only? You need to sit down and discuss all this. And compromise. You cant expect him to just accept your say so that he will support you indefinitely staying at home. Make a plan, discuss it, tweak it and then agree on it. Keep talking about any changes you feel along the way.

olgaga · 15/02/2014 02:16

I can't see how you'll be better off if you go back to work. Do the calculations and present your findings and costings.

Also point out that he'll be responsible for an equal share of domestic tasks - childcare, laundry, shopping, cooking and cleaning if you go back to work full time.

Or he can step up and increase his hours so his children have a parent to look after them!

olgaga · 15/02/2014 02:18

And by the way, he is not "paying for you to stay at home".

He is paying for his children to be cared for.

squoosh · 15/02/2014 02:23

'Why do you expect him to work to support you?'

Her children are two months old, I think it's understandable that at this point in time she feels her priorities may have shifted. He wouldn't be working just to support her he would be working to support her as she cares for their children full time.

But yes, discussion is the way forward OP.

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