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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I should be allowed to stay home with my dc?

63 replies

Annoyedatdp · 14/02/2014 20:52

First time poster here..
I have 2 wonderful dc aged 2 months old, the issue of going back to work after my mat leave has just come up. My dp wants me to go back to work as he says he cannot pay for me to stay at home (even though he just reduced his hours at work) when he is home he looks after the dc for an hour on weekdays and 4 hours on weekends, he also does 1/4 of the housework.
Aibu in telling him I'm not going back to work because I like being at home with the children and its saving us money on childcare etc?

OP posts:
WeekendsAreHappyDays · 15/02/2014 02:24

why has he just changed his hours when you have just had a baby and gone on mat leave is he resentful of that

Monty27 · 15/02/2014 02:25

Allowed? Make your own decisions. Flowers

spindoctorofaethelred · 15/02/2014 02:27

Two months old? Twins, then?

I think that once you've checked out the cost of childcare for twins, you and your partner will feel you have no other choice than being an SAHM! Even with 25% sibling discount, the cost is astronomical.

MothratheMighty · 15/02/2014 02:32

Work it out unemotionally, logically, financially and pros and cons on paper.
Talk with him about what is best for your family. I'm amazed you didn't both do this before getting pregnant, and again when you knew you were having twins.
He needs to see that what you want is based on something other than what you want, and that it is something that makes sense.

perfectstorm · 15/02/2014 02:43

Agree you need to sit down and do the maths. And perhaps talk with him about a compromise - at home until 2, or 2.5 perhaps? At that age they really start to get a lot out of a nursery setting, whereas before I think a home one is best. You could also have a think about retraining to do something better paid, and which you like more?

It's a hard one. I can see both perspectives - being sole breadwinner is a frightening position, but so is putting very small children into childcare when unhappy with the idea.

Catsize · 15/02/2014 05:11

Is your return imminent?
Could you or your OH do an evening job to make up any shortfall?

Loopytiles · 15/02/2014 07:22

Yabu. You need to work out finances and look at all options.

Also, unmarried SAHMs are financially vulnerable if the relationship breaks down, so if you do this look into ways to protect yourself.

Chopchopbusybusy · 15/02/2014 07:31

You do need to work out the cost. I can't imagine that with twins it will be viable to return if you need to pay for childcare. Could you find an evening or weekend job which would mean no childcare costs. It would give your DH valuable experience of childcare too.

1stMrsF · 15/02/2014 07:47

I always thought I would go back to work, but when 'baby' was twins and I realised how passionately I felt about staying at home with them I changed my plans. Childcare costs for two the same age can make it infeasible and even though I had a well paid job we decided that it wasn't worth it, especially as I was not keen to go back. 5 years on we still have a SAHP set up although it's me who's back at work and DH at home. We've changed plans several times and kept extending the SAH period as the DTs have changed as they got older and we changed our views about what is best for our family. I approached it from a logical point of view, so as well as costs of childcare I also looked at what types of childcare were available locally, how that would work and what the non financial benefits of a SAHP are. You can live quite cheaply at home, especially in the early years using free or very cheap local entertainment like mother and baby groups, and with twins its a good idea to get OK with second hand stuff - two of everything makes that a no brainer!

At 2 months you are likely to be very tired and still a bit hormonal. Can you agree a time to discuss your plans in a few weeks/months depending on your timescale and in the meantime do your research?

tiredbutstillsmiling · 15/02/2014 07:57

YANBU to want to but you have to consider what you agreed pre-DC & what is best for your family.

I always wanted to return to work. When DD was 8 weeks I couldn't see myself returning, I was in my little newborn bubble. By the time she was 9 months I was desperate to return! (I did when she was 10 months).

DH & I both work 4 days & my mother-in-law looks after DD another day so we pay 2 days childcare. Means our monthly income is so much higher than if either of us stayed at home. I'm a teacher & it means we can take DD on a short break every holiday & a long holiday in the summer holidays, not to mention all the little day trips/activities throughout the year. I know some people will say you don't need money to entertain your DC's but we'd been teaching 10 years before we had DD & we'd miss that "get up & go" lifestyle (plus endless soft play would do my head in)!

BarkWorseThanBite · 15/02/2014 08:03

Huge hug for you OP. You've just had a baby... I mean 2 babies... 8 weeks isn't long to adjust to being a mum...

I think lots of mums feel differently after they actually have their baby, compared to how they thought they would feel when they were pregnant.

Try and discuss it calmly with your DH - do some caculations to work out the finances... and think about all the options. You won't be the first new mum to change her mind.

Chunderella · 15/02/2014 10:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

clockwatching77 · 15/02/2014 10:24

Cannot pay for me to stay at home.

That says loads about his attitude.

If you are in a low paud job it may make more financial sense to either stay home or work parttime around your dp's hours.

Childcare costsfor twins will be high.

Good luck and congrat4 op.

fifi669 · 15/02/2014 10:28

With two children I believe the upper limit is a household income of 55k before you get no help with childcare.

www.hmrc.gov.uk/taxcredits/people-advise-others/entitlement-tables/work-and-child/work-pay-childcare.htm

fifi669 · 15/02/2014 10:29

What if your DP wants to be a SAHP, would you work to support him?

Chunderella · 15/02/2014 10:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LEMmingaround · 15/02/2014 10:35

YANBU at all - your instinct is to stay home with your DC, its there for a reason. If you can afford to stay home then do so.

janey68 · 15/02/2014 10:38

Sit down and discuss it properly. This isn't something which can be a unilateral decision: you are both parents and neither one of you had an automatic right to 'trump' the other in terms of what you want.

You need to look at the financial aspect of childcare, but also factor in things like the longer term consequences of giving up work. Also, many parents don't want to have the responsibility of being sole earner- it can feel a huge emotional pressure. Maybe the best option for you at the moment would be to both work part time, thus giving you both time at home.

ISeeYouShiverWithAntici · 15/02/2014 10:38

Certainly you need to be very clear that there is no way a token amount of housework and looking after the kids is acceptable from him if you are both working outside the home!

so write down the sums AND talk about all the extra housework he needs to do!

my concern would be that you would go back to work and he would expect you to also be the mug doing all the 3Cs too. (Childcare, Cooking, Cleaning!) and he needs to know now that there will be no WAY that will be the deal!

sadbodyblue · 15/02/2014 10:43

he cannot pay for me to stay at home and he inky dies a quater of the housework.

he sounds an idiot who needs to wake up to the costs of childcare and his responsibilities.

sadbodyblue · 15/02/2014 10:45

Jesus typos but you get the idea.

LEMmingaround · 15/02/2014 10:47

When you factor in child-care and the fact that you may be entitled to tax-credits then it may well make more sense for you to stay at home anyway.

The only thing i would bear in mind is that you might want to return part-time to keep your hand in, especially if your career is in a fast moving field. I didn't do this and i regret that.

redskyatnight · 15/02/2014 10:49

Agree with others you need a proper discussion. If it's not financially worthwhile to go back to your old job who about one of you looking at evening or weekend work so don't have to pay for childcare?

Chunderella · 15/02/2014 10:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HappyMummyOfOne · 15/02/2014 10:52

YABVU, it has to be his decision as well given he will be paying for your every need.

What if he had the same attitude and quit work as well? I doubt you would be saying "of course you dont have to work darling if you dont want too".

Given you are not married its would be sheer madness to give up employment. If he leaves, and he may well if you force him into a situation he never agreed too, then how would you support yourself? You have months left of maternity yet, its not like you are due back after a few days of giving birth.