...to ask you not to say 'But she's your MUM' when someone tells you that they have a tricky relationship with their mother?

[PlumpPartridge]

My mum has got terminal metastatic breast cancer. I've had a number of lovely, well-meaning friends who have known me for >5 years say things like 'But she's your MUM' when, having asked me how I feel, I proceed to tell them. In detail.

I tell them that I feel odd about her imminent demise, given that I have spent most of my adult life trying to get beyond her childhood teachings that I was fat and ugly and useless. I find it difficult to forgive her for being an utter bitch when I was small and defenseless and (perhaps contrarily) I get very angry about the fact that she backed down sharpish when I finally dared to threaten her back; weirdly, I would have preferred her to be an unchangable bitch rather than have to realise that she had the option of CHOOSING not to be.

Anyway. I have been fairly open about this turbulent history with my friends and my mum and I sort of get on alright now - me being married with children has done a great deal to make her appreciative of me. To be fair, she tries very hard to be a lovely Nanny to my boys and treats them like princes. They think she's wonderful. I am happy about this.

So back to my point. My friends are being kind and asking me how I am, but don't seem to get that the statement 'But she's your MUM' sort of makes it much worse. She wasn't the sort of mum who supports you no matter what and loves you no matter what you do or look like. She still isn't, really.

When they make that statement I sort of grimace/smile and try to explain why I don't feel that she was ever that sort of mum, because I am grateful that they care but I don't want to lie about my feelings towards her. I've noticed that when I do this, a few of them have seemed almost annoyed that I'm not following the standard conversational script and drop the subject very quickly. I am honestly not rude in these conversations and make it clear that I am grateful for their support, but I do wish they wouldn't use that phrase.

I suppose I should be happy for them that they probably have good relationships with their parents and honestly find my response perplexing. Still, I'd like to ask all the rest of you to say 'Oh, ok' and wait for further details if anyone ever says they have trouble with their mum (or indeed their dad/sister/brother/whoever). To do otherwise feels a bit like my feelings are being judged as incorrect, which really upsets me (even though I know that is normally not the speaker's intention).

Sorry, that turned into an essay! Cathartic, I suppose....

What hissy said. Her post summed up exactly why my relationship with dm is irretrievably buggered.

I think my mother loved me as a child (although she did nothing to protect mecfrom abuse) but has made a point of being totally unsupportive of me & supportive of anyone who treats me like shit for as long as i can remember.

I'm now on the verge of ending my hellish marriage (which any decent mother would have warned me off, considering h treated me like shit & abused me physically & sexually long before out marriage) & i know i can't expect any support from her. Quite the reversecin fact - i fully expect her to form an unholy trinity with h & his mother.

I just found out I'm having a baby girl and am terrified of being like my mother, projecting al my shit onto her!

I police myself, oh how I police myself!

OP and . I know exactly what you mean and I have had plenty of "but she's your MUM!" and also "but he's your DAD!" when my siblings and I had the temerity to prosecute him for past abuses. The ones my mum spent 20 years turning a blind eye to. "How could you be so vindictive?" - to a poor, defenceless little old man who is your DAD How can you not want your MUM at the birth? (I would rather decamp to a hospital on the Moon thanks very much if it meant I could keep her well away.)

I do worry about how I'll feel when they die. I have been NC with my dad for decades but still see my Mum (though others in the family have gone NC) out of guilt and because I am the only one with kids, her only grandchildren. (She is a crap granny too but I can't quite bring myself to give her the final boot because of guilt over the pain it would cause, and fear of the shitstorm too.)

I've come to terms with the fact that neither is going to suddenly change and turn into a functioning parent, and that what parenting I had, came from elsewhere (like wonderful teachers). But I can imagine losing them being upsetting because it would be a final goodbye to something that never was - finally admitting a Mum and a Dad in the normal sense are not what I got. In some ways it must be harder than losing a loving parent because at least then you can feel what you "should".

And don't get me started on the shitey card sentiments and viral "being a mum" bollocks. Those things are not for the children of mums, they're for mums themselves to make them feel important.

Fiveexclamations I can relate to your post (though my mum hasn't died). Me and DP joke a lot about my mum and "black sucking vortex of evil" is the kind of thing he would say about her to make me laugh. It is a huge source of comfort to me that my DP sees her for what she is and is not of the "but she's your MUM!" persuasion.

I have a daughter too, it is a revelation to me how much I adore her and think she is gorgeous and fantastic, and how affectionate she is to me. She's only little and I hope to catch myself if I ever, ever come near saying the kinds of undermining, destructively critical things my mum did (and still does). If we can still have a good relationship when she's an adult it would be amazing, but I also hope I can let her pull away if, or anytime, that's what she wants.

I have already done a large part of the grieving for my mother whilst she is still alive.

Same here. I haven't been in contact with her, nor her me for 22yrs now. She totally blanked me the last time I saw her & I knew then that she didn't give a shit about me.

I don't know what I will feel when she dies, but all my grieving has been done. I never had the mother I deserved.

I have had people say that to me, furthermore, these were people who knew exactly what I endured & why we are no contact.

And don't get me started on the shitey card sentiments and viral "being a mum" bollocks. Those things are not for the children of mums, they're for mums themselves to make them feel important.

YES. I added my mother on Facebook don't judge me because she used to live far away and missed the kids, so it seemed like an easy way to show her photos and stuff. The problem is, she can see when people post shit like that to my wall. I never share it, ever, and then I feel guilty because I know she will feel embarrassed that I haven't and worries that people will notice my indifference and judge her for her obvious maternal deficiencies.

ARGH

FlyingDucky I stopped allowing the anger to dominate my life. I refuse to use strong emotion on her, I used to hate her, but don't anymore, it's too time consuming. Now I am just 'meh.'

I just found out I'm having a baby girl and am terrified of being like my mother, projecting al my shit onto her!

Don't be terrified. The fact that you are aware of it, means that you are less likely to do it. My girls get the brunt of it sometime. My hardest thing is being ignored, as my mother did that to me constantly, so if they ignore, I rage. It's takes a lot to control it, but it is my issue not theirs. I refuse to let her ruin their life too.

plumpPartridge thank you :) it's such an exciting time for us and I'm sad it's overshadowed by my own insecurities. When the sonographer told us I was elated then immediately frightened. I'm working through it with my wonderful psychologist though and I was heartened to read up thread of a lady who found having daughters actually turned things round for the better.

And totally agree with other posters that being self aware is half the battle. We are not our parents and we have the power to do things very differently.

I'm sorry you had to go through all of this though op. There are some very sad stories on this thread. Why can some people not understand that not everyone has a god relationship with their parents? And just leave it alone! Some are too quick to preach.

to all.

Sigh good not God! Phone....

I understand OP. My mum was never awful to me. She did however choose to disappear from my life when I was 2, turning up now and again when she felt like it. She left completely when I was 5 to live abroad with her new husband. I made a few attempts to get in touch. I found her to be a perfectly nice woman. We (she) lost touch again 6 years ago when DS1 was a baby.
DH has now stopped mentioning it, but for years kept asking why I didn't get back in touch. 'but she's your mum'. That sentence again. No she isn't. The woman who is my mum is the one who married my dad when I was 10. I don't call her 'mum'. But she is the one the did/does the mum stuff. If I found out my birth 'mum' had cancer, I'd feel bad for her, but not enough to buy a ticket to the USA to go see her.

I feel very lucky that I have friends that understand this. Its probably easier for me as they knew the situation when I was growing up and the ones I met when I was older always knew that it was my dad that was my 'main parent' as he was the one who always visited me etc.
Its harder for people to grasp because if shes been present. Its understandable that when they try to offer you sympathy and you respond with your true feelings, it makes them uncomfortable. If they had happy childhoods themselves then its even more difficult to cope with.

You must be churning inside every time you hear it, but they only see what they see. Their comprehension is based on this, and I'm sorry that they don't seem to accept what you say. If they aren't people who can nod sympathetically with you when you tell them this, then I would question their friendship. Which seems harsh. But none of my good friends would ever do anything but support me.
Glad you got it off your chest though

It is our first after a mc last year btw. I told my mother about our first pregnancy and her first words were, well you know miscarriages are quite common so don't get your hopes up. I mc 5 days later. We didn't say anything about this pg to her until the 12 week scan!

I know exactly where you are coming from, I keep my feelings to myself now, it's much easier than inviting peoples comments.

DH was n/c with his father, who ran off when DH was 4 to start another family. We went to his funeral (neither he or his family let us know how seriously ill he was) and his wife told DH "he really loved you" like that was supposed to make 40 years of not giving a shit and never bothering to be there better. I was tempted to tell her that was obviously bollocks, but it wasn't for me to say it.

My AUNT used this phrase to me earlier. My mum's sister. My actual aunt who actually knows how much of a cow my mum actually was.

I bit my tongue so hard that I drew blood, I swear. The only reason she wasn't stridently corrected is because she's suffering too; I mean her only sister is about to die and chances are her father will go this year as well. She loves them both, depsite their faults, so I suppose I have to cut her some slack here.

But still.