DH - new baby and ou bedroom

[Gobbolinothewitchscat]

We have a 14 month old DS and a 4 week old DD

DD and I have been sleeping in our bedroom with DH since she was born

However, DH has said tonight that he would like DD and me to sleep in the spare room during the week as he is shattered join the fucking club

He has offered to,domFriday and Saturday nights with DD with expressed bottles so I can sleep then

However, DD is fed exclusively expressed milk (latch problem) so I'll still need to get up to express anyway in the night

DD currently gets up about twice a night. Has a bottle. I settle her and then express for about 10 minutes. Sometimes I put he on the feeding pillow and feed her and express at the same time. She is very good and I do not leave her to cry. DH seems to do a pretty rucking good impersonation of being asleep during all this

I feel totally pissed off that we are being evicted from our bedroom. DH is 6 foot 6 so saying he can't sleep in the spare room as the bed has a footboard and he can't fit in - which is kind of true.

He has moved DD up to the spare room already - which has really pissed me off. It's like a Mexican stand off as I do not want to leave our bedroom and I feel like putting the monitor next to DH's head and getting him to do the night feeds - not that he would wake up. Plus DD is then in another room from us

I'm just so pissed off. Hearing how DH is soooooo tired. Yes. So am I. We also have a 14 month old DS and I feel that I am constantly "on duty" while at least DH gets to go to work. OK - he does do a lot when he gets in but I do not think it is reasonable for him to basically order me out of our bedroom whilst chuntering on about how tired he is. When we're both fucking tired. And everything to do with the DCs feels like it's ultimately my responsability. And it's like ducking ground hog day. I'd quite like to bugger off for a week and leave him to deal with everything

She is complaining about his offer of help not being good enough though, even though he already does a lot and has offered to take over the two nights he doesn't work the next day. Seems like about as fair a split as possible in the circumstances.

I get the psychology here. You are having a very tough time in the nights and he is, on the face of it, sleeping. You are sustaining his child, yet he is 'evicting' you. I also get the point about the spare bed. I am 6' and struggle with footboards, but would rather curl up for a couple of nights and get some sleep.
I had to go back to work when our son was 3mths, but somehow got used to waking every 30mins to feed him through the night and going to work the next day, and my job is in the top ten most stressful, if not the top five. Just think we women are more resilient.
I ended up co-sleeping with our son in our bed, and generally, my partner slept in the spare room. As someone else said, it is about maximising sleep potential for all.
It is bloody hard for you to both get a sense of perspective at times like this. It has taken me back! And made me even more apprehensive about giving birth any day now!
Wish you all the best.

I think the posters on here who are saying YABU are totally missing the point.

This really is one of those posts where you are so sleep deprived and fucked off about it that nothing anyone says or does matters (posters and DH alike), you just need to SHOUT THAT YOU'RE FUCKING TIRED and other halves, because they are not sole food supply, just DON'T GET IT and it's MISERABLE to the point of SHOUTS OF DIVORCE.

I know OP, I was there... I had 3 under 3 for a while, and the exhaustion was just incredible. So I am totally on your side. Whatever you say, whatever you're feeling, YOU'RE RIGHT.

I'm struggling to find the bit where the OP is complaining that her husband isn't sitting up with her, awake, through the night feeds

Yes I wondered about that. From the OP it seems like he does actually stay in bed the whole night but yet he's the one complaining of being so tired?

It would grate on me too if I was the one always up to have the other person complain about their lot and try to oust me because they aren't get complete silence at night :(

It does sound as though it's the presentation rather than the idea that's the problem, but you're both knackered and you're still full of new baby hormones so it's understandable, and that's not meant to belittle your feelings. My DD is 4 months old, so it's not long since I was in a similar position.

We had a similar situation with beds - DH is 6'3" and didn't fit in the spare bed, but the spare bed had to go to make way for the cot. I was in it for most of my pregnancy though as I didn't have a full night's sleep from 2 weeks before BFP.

Once DH went back to work I slept on the sofabed downstairs with DD in her basket. At weekends DH did the feeds, and I felt that it really helped to only wake up to express. I had a night off the responsibility, so could go straight back to sleep once the milk was in the fridge, and I had 12 clear hours in bed. He "slept" on the sofabed, which he doesn't fit at all, so he pretty much spent the nights watching films. I stressed a bit about the baby not getting the day/night distinction that she got on my nights, but now she's sleeping a good stretch at night all by herself, it didn't do her any harm and stopped me going mad - I was suffering from anxiety and hallucinating from tiredness.

Try it, and save the discussion about his approach until you're both feeling stronger. It will get better. xx

She is complaining about his offer of help not being good enough though

Help? It's his OWN CHILD.

OP, am I right in thinking it isn't even the separate beds that is infuriating you, it's his presenting it as a fait accompli, with cot already moved and patronising passive aggression in mansplaining why this is the only sensible solution, that is making you so angry? No discussion or consultation, just "this has to happen because I am so tired!" when he isn't actually getting up or noticeably stirring for the night feeds, anyway?

YES. IT'S EXACTLY THAT. No empathy. No acknowledgement that I might be tired too. And offers of "helping me out". It's not "helping me out". They're his children too. They are not my sole responsibility. It takes me about an hour to be able to even leave the house after expressing, feeding everyone. Getting everyone dressed. Dealing with poo explosions. Packing the changing bag. Getting them both in the car. Out at the other end. Assembling the pram. Putting hats on. Picking DS' hat out of a puddle........I ,am not a single parent with DH a kind relative "helping me out".

I would actually LOVE to go to work and have some adult conversation. And not worry about my colleagues putting things in their mouth that they shouldn't. Or pulling cups of tea over themselves. Or point blank refusing to eat their lunch - when they liked baked potatoes yesterday......

And honestly - it is not dangerous to have a tired dentist. They would have to give about ten vials of anaesthetic to get anywhere near killing anyone. Lots of dentists who are friends with DS do not order their wives in to the spare room. Yes - agree that they don't get up the night but at least their wives and children aren't made to feel like sleep depriving pests

Honestly, people keep saying to me that I do have my hands full (including medical professionals) and that they don't know his I'm managing to fit the expressing in to. DH looks genuinely at these comments. I think he thinks despite saying he finds it full on looking after DS only that I just flop around all day meeting people for coffee. Whilst he does a Very. Tiring. And. Important. Job.

I used it be a lawyer with actually a very good job before giving up as it really wasnt compatible with a family life. An ex-colleague has bern in touch to discuss a job with me. I said i wasnt interested at the moment. But I'm genuinely contemplating going back to work now. We would need a day nanny and a night nanny as I can't do all the nights if I'm working 16 hour days but at least I would get a bit of a break. And it would be clear that I was "working"

I feel your pain Gobbolino,tell him to get a fucking grip.Me and my DP managed without a spare room.I also breastfed he always managed to sleep through,like your DH he got up with baby on weekend mornings and left me for a few hours to sleep in.
He's just going to have to learn to deal with it unfortunately.

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I'm currently googling pointy-toed shoes to kick him in the knackers with.

Personally I think your husband is in a no win situation here and I do think you would have still been resentful even if your dp had said he was going in the spare room so he could get a full nights sleep.

Unfortunately as you are bf/expressing you are going to be more tired and have disturb sleep than your dp. I also think you are taking his "helping you out" point wrong too, again as you are bf he can't feed the baby with some involvement from you so he is just "helping you out" in this respect. And from the things you have listed in your thread he is being a parent.

Tiredness brings out the worse in us, I remember those early days with my Dp when everything said is blown out of proportion, simple conversations you feel you are being barked at. Tones of conversations are harsh as you are both tired. But Dp and I used to notice it after it was said and apologise to each other.

Do think youve both got to see you are both exhausted, stop seeing everything as a battle ground or a competetion. Take up his offer of weekend feeds and you just quickly express when you need at weekend.

As at the present I think it is you who needs to sort the issue out, as I think anything your husband says or did you wouldn't want to do , even if it made sense!

chronically and perfect - thank you fir the tips. Am going to look into this again

YANBU at all!

Your dh's preferred arrangement is not in itself unreasonable as a suggestion, but he does not get to exile you from your room.

It is not wise to play at competative tiredness, but it should be understood that the bfing mum doing all the night waking is more tired!

If your dh is that tired he will sleep with a foot board.

I'm 100% with you OP. He is being very unreasonable!!

I'm not sure what the solution is here (I would be pssed off even at the suggestion of him sleeping in the spare room!) I don't understand why he can't see that you both* need sleep. You are not lazing around on the sofa all day when he leaves for "real work" (and even if you were, you deserve it ).

I'm really sorry for you, this situation sounds horrible. Your husband should be sharing the sleepless nights with you, that's all part of being a parent. He can't just ship you and DD off to another room to allow him an easy night! (And I really don't think a 4 week old baby should be in a separate room, but I know that's not what you want to hear right now )

A PP made a good point, if his tiredness would effect his job so much that he was risking lives or something, I might understand.. but under those circumstances HE should be the one who gets up and sleeps in the spare room (yes, even if he has to curl up a bit!) just for a few hours a night to get himself the essential sleep.

I hope you manage to get some rest soon and your husband sees sense!

Love, I get it. And my DH has only once complained of tiredness. It was while I was driving him to the station at half past bastard 7 one morning. I quelled him with a look halfway between incredulous and 'you have seconds to live' and he stopped talking and started laughing at himself.

He's a very clever man, my husband :o

Here, have these

And come back to the January group to bitch with us!

YANBU at all. You should get him to read What Mothersdo, especially when it looks like nothing. That's if he's not too tired to read, poor dab.

yabvu.

I don't get why people think that the op's dh should sleep on the sofa/spare room and curl up just because the op wants to sleep in that particular room/bed.

It is not a competition, you have two beds, you fit in both, he doesn't, therefore it stands to reason that you should be the one to move.

And he has to get up in the morning and go and do a full-time job, and no, being a parent at home isn't the same.

And he is supportive in general, does the bath/bed/lets you sleep when he gets home plus is offering to do the other two nights. He's not responsible for the fact you are expressing overnight.

I would imagine even the older child has a nap at some point during the day, surely you can nap then?

My xh used to have to get up at 5:00 to go to work as he commuted. We didn't do separate rooms but I wouldn't have dreamed of expecting him to be awake just because I was, or to call him selfish for saying he was tired when he had been awake in the night and then needed to do a full day's work as well. And no, full-time parenting, while taxing and exhausting, is not the same as a full-time job.)

I know you are half joking about the going back to work thing, but it really did help me. I went back to work at 5 months after DD2 was born (we hired a nanny for the day time) and things did even out a bit with the tiredness stakes (she didn't sleep through until after 9 months I think), so we shared 4 months of night wakings whereas before I was doing all of them... (pissed off, much?)

TOP TIP: Don't have a third.

I understand you're knackered. 4 weeks in with a new baby is just about as awful as it gets and with a 14 month old as well you must be on your knees (this is why I have 11 years between my two, I had to forget how awful the baby stage is!)

However I'm not too sure what you actually expect your dh to do... you say he can't do a whole night with your dd as you need to wake to express anyway - so your point about hiring a night nanny wouldn't work either would it? I think it's really great that your dh is offering to do those two nights. If I were you (and I appreciate I'm going to get flamed)but I'd seriously consider switching to formula at this stage if you're so angry you're thinking of leaving your husband over lack of sleep.. breastfeeding is great and all that but if the need to express and lack of sleep is causing you to feel this miserable and resentful towards your dh then is it worth it? No one even talks about how they fed their babies when they're older and at 4 weeks in you've already given your little one so many of the benefits. Ignore me, just putting it out there but at this stage I'd be packing dh off to the spare room for his two nights a week with formula and getting myself some ear plugs.

if the problem is the beds rather than the rooms, could you not put the spare room bed into your room, and move your bed into the spare room for DH to sleep in?

You are both shattered, understandably, and trying to have any kind of rational conversation looks impossible right now.

He is trying to come up with a solution for you all, even if he is going about it in a cack-handed way.

hope - don't worry. She was only on her own for about 45 minutes last night whilst we discussed screamed at each otherthings. I then went upstairs and expressed and fumed and slept in the same room with her. I wouldn't leave her on her own to make a point.

I've babbled on this thread in rage. But I think what's really getting to me is that I feel that DH can just order me out the bedroom as ultimately it's my responsability to look after them. 24 hours a day. He does do a lot. But because of the expressing and the fact that I'm at home, it feels like there is no cut off point.

Now I'm sure you're all thinking that I should have fucking worked that out before having 2 children 14 months apart!

And no, full-time parenting, while taxing and exhausting, is not the same as a full-time job.)

I'm sorry. I do not agree. I used to be a transactional lawyer attached to my blackberry. I find this much more gruelling.

At least I could nip out of the office and grab a sandwich and have a shower in the morning. And my 6 hours of sleep a night was unbroken. And I slept quite deeply. Now a sparrow farting could wake me up.

And my DS has slept through the night pretty much from 7 months and is pretty low maintenance. As is DD. l

I feel awful. It's as though neither of us wants to look after that. And it's really not that

Toby - heading back to the thread

And he has to get up in the morning and go and do a full-time job, and no, being a parent at home isn't the same.

WHHHHHHAT???? Are you mad woman?? Full time work is a piece of piss compared to being a SAHM to a not-sleeping-through-child + toddler.... no sleep, no adult conversation, your brain starts to turn to mush from lack of using it beyond child-linked activities, the same shit, day in day out, the isolation, the nothing to talk about with anyone else apart from milk supply and nappy contents etc etc. Going to work is far easier (and fun!) than staying at home and looking after children. You cannot compare the two!

Or maybe I was just probably rubbish at being a SAHM when I did it for each Mat leave, and I because I was doing it wrong I found doing my office job easier! Who knows.

Tell your H that if he wants to change sleeping arrangements to ensure he gets a perfect nights sleep every night to fuck off to the spare room himself. Tell him you aren't moving an inch.

If the spare room bed isn't to his satisfaction he can get off his backside and go and frigging buy a new one.

He's making my blood boil and I don't have to live with him!

He is one selfish arse I'm afraid.

wannaBe, I've worked full time in a high-profile, high-pressure job while getting up to breastfeed twice a night. I've been at home with a newborn. I will tell you unequivocally that going to the office was by far the easier and less exhausting option, and I didn't have a 14 month old and expressing in the mix. You are, frankly, talking bollocks.

From reading all OP's posts the real issue is that her husband doesn't get what she does all day and night, is patronising, has made decisions that should be joint decisions, and minimises her situation while over-focusing on his own. That makes him a selfish git, really.

How is full time parenting a toddler and a newborn easier than going to work? She's already said her DH was going to cancel his patients because he was tired. What's she supposed to do? Cancel her toddler for the day?

Is the spare bed less comfy? I would flip the fuck out if DH suggested I go to the spare bed like yours has because it absolutely wrecks my back to sleep on it for more than one night.

Could your DH get some ear plug not that he seems to have a problem sleeping through anyway? That would be my suggestion. And I would present them to him along with the cot, moved back into your bedroom.