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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH - new baby and ou bedroom

273 replies

Gobbolinothewitchscat · 13/02/2014 00:16

We have a 14 month old DS and a 4 week old DD

DD and I have been sleeping in our bedroom with DH since she was born

However, DH has said tonight that he would like DD and me to sleep in the spare room during the week as he is shattered join the fucking club

He has offered to,domFriday and Saturday nights with DD with expressed bottles so I can sleep then

However, DD is fed exclusively expressed milk (latch problem) so I'll still need to get up to express anyway in the night

DD currently gets up about twice a night. Has a bottle. I settle her and then express for about 10 minutes. Sometimes I put he on the feeding pillow and feed her and express at the same time. She is very good and I do not leave her to cry. DH seems to do a pretty rucking good impersonation of being asleep during all this Hmm

I feel totally pissed off that we are being evicted from our bedroom. DH is 6 foot 6 so saying he can't sleep in the spare room as the bed has a footboard and he can't fit in - which is kind of true.

He has moved DD up to the spare room already - which has really pissed me off. It's like a Mexican stand off as I do not want to leave our bedroom and I feel like putting the monitor next to DH's head and getting him to do the night feeds - not that he would wake up. Plus DD is then in another room from us

I'm just so pissed off. Hearing how DH is soooooo tired. Yes. So am I. We also have a 14 month old DS and I feel that I am constantly "on duty" while at least DH gets to go to work. OK - he does do a lot when he gets in but I do not think it is reasonable for him to basically order me out of our bedroom whilst chuntering on about how tired he is. When we're both fucking tired. And everything to do with the DCs feels like it's ultimately my responsability. And it's like ducking ground hog day. I'd quite like to bugger off for a week and leave him to deal with everything

OP posts:
wakemeupnow · 13/02/2014 06:58

If you are looking for fairness in this Op you are just gonna be dissapointed. I think I only became truly happy in my relationship when I stopped point scoring on the shared domestic duties and just accepted that we were playing our parts in different ways.

You have to wake up to express. This is incredibly tiring (I've been there with 3dc) You are pissed of that he feels he has a right to sleep when you don't have that luxury. You are wanting to get a sense of fairness by making him witness the nightly feeds.... but that way you will both be exhausted. Why not look for other ways that he can let you catch up on sleep at the weekends or evenings and make sure he recognises and supports your exhaustion in that way.

jenecho · 13/02/2014 07:13

Sympathy here (my dds are 22mo and 10 weeks) my dh has been sleeping in the spare room since day one because we both get more sleep that way. Although it is a pain being the one to decamp i would think you would benefit- not seeing him sleeping when you are up will make you less angry and stressed so easier to get back to sleep. It also gives the option of co sleeping or at least feeding lying down so you can doze. Mine also has a 45 minute sleep cycle in her cot but will sleep for hours in bed with me! Even if you are anti generally it might be worth considering for a few nights so you can recover a bit?

worsestershiresauce · 13/02/2014 07:14

I decamped to the spare room when dd was tiny. It made sense. This isn't a who's the most tired competition. If he is able to sleep at times when he would otherwise just be watching you feeding/expressing he will be better able to pick up the slack elsewhere and at weekends.

His offer of doing weekend feeds is fair. You can express lying down snoozing.

oliviaoctopus · 13/02/2014 07:19

Dh was on sofa for 6 months and our sofa is teeny. His legs went over the end but so what? What a moaner your dh sounds!!

2beornot · 13/02/2014 07:20

You've got my sympathies, OP.

I've got a 3yo and one due in July and I am dreading this!!!

HollaAtMeBaby · 13/02/2014 07:22

YANBU but it does sound as though tiredness is making this seen worse than it is, which is understandable. Could you get a new big bed for the spare room?

Splatt34 · 13/02/2014 07:26

TBH with DD2 I sent the first night at home in the spare room feeding but the bed in there had a horrific headboard, very uncomfortable for leaning against. So from night 2 until she started sleeping through at 3.5 months DH slept in there. I had to be up to feed her & I didn't see the point in us both being knackered.

SpookedMackerel · 13/02/2014 07:33

Can you get him to move the spare room bed into your bedroom and your bed into the spare room?
Then you can stay in your bedroom, and he can have a bed he can sleep on.

When your bf there isn't really much your partner can do except try and be supportive. Sounds like you're both so tired everything you say rubs the other up the wrong way.

peggyundercrackers · 13/02/2014 07:37

You sound unreasonable... Why did you have children if you didn't want to look after them? It sounds like your Dh has made lots of sensible suggestions yet you just seem to thrown everything back at him - it sounds like you don't have any respect for him or what he does for a living ( he's ONLY a dentist) .

As someone else said if you need to get up to express milk why would you want your Dh to get up with you? He can't do it. You can't really have it both ways, you need to make the decision to either change your opinion on your feeding options or you need to get up.

I agree with the others when they say it's not a competition about who is more tired.

You keep mentioning divorce but surely if you did that your dd wouldn't get expressed breast milk - but then I'm sure you would still want to get up in the middle of the night to express and go over to your dh's to hand in a bottle Hmm you would need to express anyway as after all you do away you get soooo engorged.

oliviaoctopus · 13/02/2014 07:42

peggy - he could do it if he wanted to hes just lazy. Op why dont you do a formula feed in night sometimew for a rest?

Sirzy · 13/02/2014 07:45

It sounds as if you actually have a pretty good balance of both taking care and your dh is making effort to ensure you get rest. He has also made an offer to help you get more sleep which you have refused but he has still offered and is willing to do his 'share' of nights you can't blame him for the fact that you still won't be able to get unbroken sleep.

Sleep deprivation is horrible for both of you but try not to blow something up into a bigger issue and make things harder for you both than needed.

paxtecum · 13/02/2014 07:46

Can you concentrate on the positives:

You have two beautiful, healthy children.

The baby doesn't scream all night.

You have loads of breast milk so can express quickly.

You have a supportive husband.

You have a lovely spare room with a bed that fits you.

Your supportive husband has a good job.

Presumably (hopefully) you have no money worries.

Best wishes to you all.

apachepony · 13/02/2014 07:52

Yabu. I've been there with the tiredness but it makes sense to sleep in separate beds so if he doesn't fit in the spare bed is it really so bad to go in there? I sleep with a snorer though who always wants to sleep with me and I'm always looking for an excuse not to...

perfectstorm · 13/02/2014 08:06

Why did you have children if you didn't want to look after them?

I doubt OP is being industrially milked for her own amusement, and she's a fulltime parent to a 14 month old as well as a one month old so your comment is plainly ridiculous. She'd like night duties more equitably shared - that may not be possible, given her husband's career, but the desire is perfectly reasonable. Impugning her concern for or commitment to her children is just unpleasant.

Chrohnically beat me to it: I was told DS was latching etc, when his tie was cut. Only the thick posterior tie hadn't been and he could no more feed well than fly. Lip ties can be overlooked, too. And I saw several lactation consultants as well as midwives and HV - Mervyn Griffiths in Southampton, who wrote the UNICEF policy on ties, cut him eventually.

The breastfeeding clinic at the John Radcliffe in Oxford was bloody amazing, too, if you're anywhere at all near?

On the expressing front: if you're getting 1.5 litres you can easily drop overnights, so maybe just pump off enough to ease the engorgement at that time? If you pump a good 10 mins and get plenty out, then the boobs will lay in a good supply the next night, too. Just a thought, but might that be worth a try? Cut the demand down overnight as much as you physically can, then hopefully supply at that time will keep pace. And if you try it this weekend, while letting DH do the actual feeds, with any luck you can pump just a couple of minutes. The other thing is that feeding and pumping simultaneously stimulates supply like anything. I used to get huge boosts in supply after visiting the JR clinic on occasion, because they would sometimes be able to get DS to latch. (They were that good.) So maybe pumping and feeding at night isn't great, if you need supply to dip slightly?

Sorry if those are useless suggestions, I know you've done all this before with your eldest. It's just that I know this sort of tiredness can mean I can't see the woods for the trees, and the obvious solutions just don't seem obvious to me at all. So if that's been tried and hasn't worked - sorry, I just want to help.

Worriedkat · 13/02/2014 08:14

My husband slept on the floor of our cot room for the first 3 months of dc3 (no spare bed). The boiler was underneath him in the kitchen so kept him cosy.

I still think he got the better deal. I would've sold all my worldly possessions to get a undisturbed night on a concrete floor.

2rebecca · 13/02/2014 08:16

I don't understand why you feel he shouldn't get any sleep just because you aren't. If he is the only one going to work in the morning then he needs more sleep at night, you can grap sleep during the day.
His 2 nights a week to let you sleep sounds reasonable. One of you should be in a different room to get sleep. You've said you have to get up anyway.

pianodoodle · 13/02/2014 08:17

It sounds like he has a pretty sweet deal really if he isn't getting up at all during the night.

I know it isn't a competition but him complaining of tiredness would annoy me too if I'd been up in the night.

I have a 5 week old and a toddler and there isn't a chance to sleep during the day like last time.

We don't have a spare room but DH will sometimes go into the living room on the sofa halfway through the night...the difference is he takes the baby with him if he isn't settling after a feed to let me get some extra rest!

Then he just brings him back for the next feed, or if it's morning, he changes him, gets our toddler her cup of milk, brings me a coffee, gives me a baby to feed then gets himself ready for work.

And I don't ask him to do any of it - he's just thoughtful!

QueenofKelsingra · 13/02/2014 08:19

sorry I don't really understand why you wouldn't move to the spare room? I deliberately moved to the spare room with DTs so DH could sleep. I woke him if they both needed a feed at the same time and he got up if our older DS needed anything in the night. the spare room had much more space so it made perfect sense for me to go there. I just don't get the whole 'my room' thing - your DH wont fit in the spare bed! I don't get this logic - I'm awake and knackered and uncomfortable so you must be too. Why? Confused

to be fair to your DH he has offered to help out with night feeds (and among my circle, those that used bottles (either EBF or FF) had the same arrangement - weekdays mum, weekends dad.

to be honest, if you are lucky enough to be able to breastfeed your children you have to accept that you will be doing the nightfeeds!

I think you are just very tired and emotional, which is understandable, but I'm afraid I think YABU.

perfectstorm · 13/02/2014 08:26

If he is the only one going to work in the morning then he needs more sleep at night, you can grap sleep during the day.

OP has a 14 month old as well as a newborn... not seeing much chance of daytime sleep, tbh! They may well not share a synchronised nap at all.

OP, am I right in thinking it isn't even the separate beds that is infuriating you, it's his presenting it as a fait accompli, with cot already moved and patronising passive aggression in mansplaining why this is the only sensible solution, that is making you so angry? No discussion or consultation, just "this has to happen because I am so tired!" when he isn't actually getting up or noticeably stirring for the night feeds, anyway?

I get the sense that the logic of his position isn't your problem; it's his selfishness and entitled attitude in assuming he can just dictate how to manage the family sleeping arrangements for his own benefit.

PrimalLass · 13/02/2014 08:30

I don't get the big deal about you sleeping in the spare room for a few weeks. Yes, you are tired, we've all been there. But the most important thing in these first few months is just to get you ALL through it with as much sleep as possible.

I did all the night stuff because OH had to go out to work and not get sacked. So we could - you know - pay the bills. I wouldn't want a dentist who was exhausted unnecessarily, because that's dangerous.

TobyLerone · 13/02/2014 08:31

I'm struggling to find the bit where the OP is complaining that her husband isn't sitting up with her, awake, through the night feeds.

Some of you could do with brushing up on your reading comprehension skills.

TobyLerone · 13/02/2014 08:33

OP, am I right in thinking it isn't even the separate beds that is infuriating you, it's his presenting it as a fait accompli, with cot already moved and patronising passive aggression in mansplaining why this is the only sensible solution, that is making you so angry? No discussion or consultation, just "this has to happen because I am so tired!" when he isn't actually getting up or noticeably stirring for the night feeds, anyway?

This right here is exactly the point. If you don't read any other posts on the thread before adding your own, at least check this paragraph out.

ifyourehoppyandyouknowit · 13/02/2014 08:42

ODFOD peggy

And yep to the post Toby quoted. That would give me the rage.

FiscalCliffRocksThisTown · 13/02/2014 08:43

Stop. Wait. Think.

Ditch the competitive tiredness competition. You are both going to be very very tired for a while.this is a competition that nobody can win.it is destructive to any relationship.

Making DH suffer more will not make you less tired.

How about moving the spare bed with the footboard in the shed. And put the mattress on the floor. Then he can go and sleep on there whilst you do not feel evicted from your own bedroom. Try to be practical.

NoelMamereGaelMonfils · 13/02/2014 08:48

Can't the spare room mattress go on the floor for a bit?