Name changed as the details make me identifiable in real life. Sorry it's so long but I feel the context is important as it explains why a lot of the usual solutions couldn't apply to us.
DH has four DCs who we used to have every week from 6pm Thursday through till 2pm Sunday. Last year the access changed slightly so that once a month the DCs are only with us from 6pm Thursday till 8pm Friday so that they get to spend some quality weekend time with their mum (they are still with us for all the other weekends) - this change was tentatively put forward by DH then reluctantly accepted by DC's mum a few months later. The kids on the other hand were very pleased with the new set-up.
DH and I are finding it a strain on our relationship only having two weekend days per month together. Although the kids ages range between 10-16, the two eldest are on the autistic spectrum (they attend special schools) therefore not only are they not in the usual position of being able to pull their weight with household chores such as sorting their own washing or lunches etc, they're not out and about like most other kids their age. They have a specialist babysitter who they're only comfortable with as they've know her for years, their mum often utilises her during the week but as the babysitter quite rightly has weekends off we can't use her during our time for anything but very special occasions. Come Sunday afternoon DH and I are too peopled out and knackered to do anything much together. I appreciate we get to spend Mon-Wed evenings together but we're both tired after work, have all the kids washing and food shopping to catch up on, and let's face it if weekday evenings were sufficient downtime in themselves then weekends wouldn't need to exist for anybody.
The DCs don't enjoy having the transition between houses falling in the middle of the Sunday either as they don't get to enjoy either a lazy day in their PJs nor enough time to have a proper day out with us - breakfast and lunch are crammed in close together and the DCs are rushing about getting their stuff ready to go back to mum's.
Bearing all this in mind DH has proposed to DC's mum that we still have the kids every week from Thu-Fri, but that she increases her Saturdays & Sundays with the DCs from one weekend per month to every other weekend. In return, on the weekends that the DC are with us we will now keep them from Thursday night through till the Monday morning so the number of nights we have them is actually unchanged. The DCs benefit by getting to enjoy proper leisure time with their mum as well as their dad, and Sundays will no longer be dominated by the handover.
When DH asked DC's mum if they could have a meeting as he wanted to discuss changing the access arrangements the first thing she said was "I can't do that" even before knowing what the proposal was. She then said that if he wanted to have the kids less then she would stop contact altogether, then put the phone down on him. She then texted to say we were selfish and had no right to dictate to her. She hasn't once explained why she thinks it would be bad for the kids.
DC's mum works full time and is in receipt of all of the child benefits plus full maintenance from DH with no reductions for the time he has them, because for the first year post-separation they had a "nesting" access arrangement - DH did not reduce this when he moved out. In addition to this DH pays for half the cost for uniforms, school trips etc although she could comfortably afford them without his additional contribution. I have only brought up the finances as relevant in order to be clear that we are not proposing any changes in order to reduce maintenance as ExP is already at full whack so to speak and knows she would remain so.
I can already hear the cries of "but what would you do if something happened to his ExP and you had the DCs full time?" Well for a start we would receive all of the child-related benefits (and due to DLA they are substantial in this case). We would be significantly better off and could afford to move to a bigger house so that we wouldn't all feel so on top of each other, especially as none of the kids even pop to the sweetshop let alone socialise. We would also get to use the babysitter and get our breathing space that way. DC's mum has a huge 6 bedroom house, the kids are at school for the majority of the days she has them, plus she uses the babysitter every week, so she gets a lot more personal space than we do. I am not resentful of that fact in itself, but I am resentful that it upsets DH when she still complains that she is hard done by and that he doesn't pull his weight, and ignores the fact that even with the proposed changes he is still having the DC more than most non-resident parents (incidentally DH would be happy to have 50/50 care with the benefits split equally but DC's mum doesn't want that).
AIBU to think its not normal for a mother to be fighting so hard in order not to spend more weekend time with her children? Or is she right in that DH and I are being unspeakably selfish?