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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Yes I probably am being unreasonable, but I'm so pissed off re dh and his parents

174 replies

Loopylouu · 12/02/2014 09:53

So, I am 33 weeks pregnant.

Due to money/my older ds, dh and I have never been away alone together. No honeymoon, no overnight stays anywhere.

I have decided I want to go away to a nice hotel overnight next Friday. I'll be 34 weeks pregnant and ds decided to turn up at 36 weeks, so this is our last chance as I don't want to be away from home after that really just incase it all kicks off. DS goes to his fathers house EOW, and this is the last time he'll be away before the baby is here. It's also out third anniversary that day. Reasonable to want I go away, right?

I posted a while ago about PIL booking visits to come and stay on iCal without asking first. Well, talking about hotels to dh last night, he looks at the calendar and guess fucking what? PIL are down that day/night.

So obviously we can't go as dhs can't miss seeing them (they dot stay with us, they stay in a b&b as our flat is too small).

They have booked hotel and can't change date and dh wouldn't want them to anyway.

Am thinking of just booking the hotel anyway and going myself and sayig he can come if he wants or he can stay here wih his mum and dad. I'm tired, pissed off and I want a break from these four walls.

Go ahead and call me a cow.

OP posts:
ohfourfoxache · 12/02/2014 13:08

he would have cancelled the treat Shock

He's in for one hell of a learning curve there Grin

FryOneFatManic · 12/02/2014 13:09

OP, I think it might be an idea to find out how his parents treated their parents as he grew up.

Because, if his parents were so perfect, then of course, they must have put him (and any siblings) first.

Then you can point out to him that actually he is doing the opposite.

As for his idea that you cancel a child's treat just because a parent wants to visit, well, I'm astonished. He really doesn't get it.

Original poster
Loopylouu · 12/02/2014 13:11

Because it's like a royal visit when they come. Everything is about them

They are nice to me and amazing to ds, they really do treat him like they do SILs children, so I don't want to sound ungreatful, but it's very much tippitoes to please them or dh sulks.

OP posts:
bochead · 12/02/2014 13:11

I'd put nookie, cups of tea in bed and all those nice, snuggly things that put the icing on the cake of a relationship on the fooking calender!

I'd also put a few afternoons on there called "my selfish cow days!" where I'd be planning to leave him with the new baby/his stepson and go and have choccy cake, a cuppa and a good natter with my mates.

Not suprised you've got the rage, as it must feel like between his parental visits and the ex's demands you aren't in control of your own life at times. Can you sign up for an online course or summat once the newbaby comes, you know so you got a couple of hours a week that belong to YOU, to do something YOU enjoy other than pandering to other people's demands.

In your shoes I'd ring the MIL, pretending to be in tears and try a little manipulation as they sound like the sort of family that will want your relationship to stay strong. One night together to remind each other WHY you love each other before NB sleepless nights hits seems totally reasonable to any sensible MIL that wants her son's marriage to last and to have a close relationship with her grandkids going forwards.

ohfourfoxache · 12/02/2014 13:13

The problem really isn't your pils, it's your DH

Original poster
Loopylouu · 12/02/2014 13:16

His dad runs around all the time for his mum (dh nan). But the thing is, this pisses off mil no end. She's always moaning about how thier life is not thier own, how fil won't go on holiday for more than ten daYs as he can't leave her alone.

Dh sees this. She moans to him about it, yet he acts the same way!

OP posts:
Thumbwitch · 12/02/2014 13:18

Sorry, he would have cancelled a child's treat in favour of his parents?? He'd better sort that kind of pathetic people-pleasing shit out before your baby gets big enough to notice!

Are his parents really that nice? He seems to go out of his way to do everything to please them, kind of makes me wonder why he has to try so hard...

Original poster
Loopylouu · 12/02/2014 13:20

ohforfoxsake I know it's him. That's what hurts so much.

He really is on for a steep learning curve. When our soon to be daughter is older and he's planned a great for her and can old it for his parents, I will just sit back and watch the whole sorry scene unfold and let him deal wih the tantrums and tears! Pillock!

OP posts:
Coumarin · 12/02/2014 13:20

Christ.

Please go on the weekend in your own. Eat the entire mini bar. Order everything on the room service menu. Book into the spa. Everything.

Tell your 'd'h to go fuck himself.

Thanks
Original poster
Loopylouu · 12/02/2014 13:21

treat canciled. My phone hates me today!

OP posts:
ohfourfoxache · 12/02/2014 13:29

Would there be any mileage in talking to your mil? Do you think she would get him to see sense? (May be clutching at straws)

BeCool · 12/02/2014 13:30

I think you need to start blocking out weekends in the calender too - esp as you have the big drive every 2nd weekend. Start by blocking out some we's over the coming year.

HelloBoys · 12/02/2014 13:35

Loopy - to me as an outsider this is terrible. He puts his parents first and especially at this time.

YADNBU

whatever5 · 12/02/2014 13:38

I think that you should talk to your in laws about this. There seems to have been a misunderstanding about the calender. Obviously your DH has given them the impression that if the weekend is not blocked out they can just insert themselves into the calender.

If they don't seem to get it I would start blocking out (lots) of weekends on the calender on the off chance that you might want to do something. It must be really irritating to have your free time planned out by other people without consultation.

Original poster
Loopylouu · 12/02/2014 13:46

That's the thing though, it's not a main calander, it's a separate one just for them!

It's going to have to go.

I've just booked the hotel as well. I need a night away.

OP posts:
BIWI · 12/02/2014 13:46

We use iCal at work, and you can't put an appointment directly into someone's calendar - you have to accept them first. And you have the opportunity to decline them. So if I were you, I'd be a bit more vigilant about this calendar - don't ignore it any more. As soon as you get a request in, then decline it if it doesn't suit you.

I'd also be looking at blocking out morning/afternoons after the baby has come for you to have a break, and making it VERY VERY VERY clear to DH that those mornings/afternoons are when he is looking after the baby.

You have to take charge now otherwise this is only going to get worse.

And YADNBU in any way, shape or form.

Stopmithering · 12/02/2014 13:48

Is DH "good" in other ways?
I'm hoping you say yes....

ohfourfoxache · 12/02/2014 13:50

Well done Lou, I'm really pleased you've booked x

It's a separate calendar? Jesus wept.....

Hissy · 12/02/2014 13:58

I'd be getting onto iCal and blocking out the rest of your lives, so that they can't just book something.

They can't just do this, go to your hotel and say that if they want to visit, they need to actually ask like normal people do or run the risk that you won't be available.

Why on earth have you put up with Mummas Boy for so long?

Original poster
Loopylouu · 12/02/2014 13:58

Ok.

So he just phoned on his lunch break and said he's sorry, he know how tired I've been and that he's taken next Friday afternoon off work. So we'll have his parents here at 3ish and then we'llleave for the hotel at half past seven.

He was shocked to shit when I said I'd just booked it anyway and that I was banking on going alone.

I also said we are talking about that fucking calendar tonight, it's just not working for me

So we'll see how things go.

OP posts:
BeCool · 12/02/2014 14:02

GO YOU LOU!!

Good work & keep the momentum going re that dreadful fucking calender.

ohfourfoxache · 12/02/2014 14:05

Brilliant news Lou! Well done!

SwishAndFlick · 12/02/2014 14:06

Im really glad to hear you're going. I was in desperate need for a nice soak in a peaceful room when I was 37 weeks ( have a tiny bath at home) so did just that. I booked into a hotel only 10 minutes from home and had a night to myself. DH looked after dd and it worked wonders for me.
Have a nice relaxing time.

BumpKitty · 12/02/2014 14:07

That's excellent! Now you need to decide what you want going forward, so you are prepared for the calendar talk. Good Luck :)

BeCool · 12/02/2014 14:10

maybe sharpen some scissors (for apron strings).
Grin