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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Yes I probably am being unreasonable, but I'm so pissed off re dh and his parents

174 replies

Loopylouu · 12/02/2014 09:53

So, I am 33 weeks pregnant.

Due to money/my older ds, dh and I have never been away alone together. No honeymoon, no overnight stays anywhere.

I have decided I want to go away to a nice hotel overnight next Friday. I'll be 34 weeks pregnant and ds decided to turn up at 36 weeks, so this is our last chance as I don't want to be away from home after that really just incase it all kicks off. DS goes to his fathers house EOW, and this is the last time he'll be away before the baby is here. It's also out third anniversary that day. Reasonable to want I go away, right?

I posted a while ago about PIL booking visits to come and stay on iCal without asking first. Well, talking about hotels to dh last night, he looks at the calendar and guess fucking what? PIL are down that day/night.

So obviously we can't go as dhs can't miss seeing them (they dot stay with us, they stay in a b&b as our flat is too small).

They have booked hotel and can't change date and dh wouldn't want them to anyway.

Am thinking of just booking the hotel anyway and going myself and sayig he can come if he wants or he can stay here wih his mum and dad. I'm tired, pissed off and I want a break from these four walls.

Go ahead and call me a cow.

OP posts:
DreamingofSummer · 12/02/2014 11:01

Just do it. Your first responsibility if to yourself and then your baby. Bollocks to the rest of them

ExcuseTypos · 12/02/2014 11:02

I would just go by myself if I were you. It will be a nice well needed break for you.

I just hope you're H realises how important this is for you and goes with you. But if he doesn't, it's his loss really.

ohfourfoxache · 12/02/2014 11:08

Ok, could you see them on the Friday night (early/quick dinner either out or get DH to cook) then leave early on the Saturday?

Although I do think he should just fucking get a grip - it would be going away for one night, not emigrating Hmm

JoinYourPlayfellows · 12/02/2014 11:08

I can't believe your husband is blowing you off when you've planned something to special so he can see his parents.

Confused

I get on well with my parents and really enjoy their company, but if DH had planned for us to have a rare night in a hotel together and they happened to be in town that night, I wouldn't even consider cancelling.

He sounds like a right twat TBH.

The most important people in his life?!

He's got a wife and will soon have a baby.

What a gobshite.

Jux · 12/02/2014 11:20

Book it and go yourself anyway. Invite a friend. Tell him that as he won't want to go, because he'd rather see his parents, you are going with X instead. Chances are he'll realise as soon as he's not invited, that actually he wants to go quite badly.

Then book lots of things like that, visits back home, visits to old friends, weekends away for you and the baby, for every other PIL visit. Sometimes leave the baby with him and get away for a grown-up weekend. Enjoy your times off. Many people would almost kill for that!

Jux · 12/02/2014 11:21

Or early dinner with them on Friday and dh drives you both to arrive a little later. Then you'll still have all day Saturday.

Gladvent · 12/02/2014 11:30

Go, without him. Visit your mums grave. It is hard being pregnant without a mum (been there) let alone with 'perfect MIL' being put on a pedestal and knackering your plans.

I think you need to prioritise yourself and your feelings. It can be very raw and lonely when you have a new baby with all this happy family around yet your own mum is missing.

Lots of love to you.

Original poster
Loopylouu · 12/02/2014 11:46

Right, so I emailed and asked how about we meet them for am early dinner and then head off to the hotel at around 7 o'clock.

He replied that no, they are going to be using the voucher for afternoon tea he got them for Xmas, so they won't be hungry again so early. He also said that yes, it's a shame we won't be able to go before the baby is born, but he wants to see his parents and anyway he doesn't just want to see them for a couple of hours.

So I emailed back, that's fine, but I am exhausted and I need to get away from the house just for one night. That particular night there's is a amazing offer for a suite with breakfast included, totally free minibar (obviously I'll leave the drink, but the chocolate and crisps will be mine!) so I will go on my own.

I have, as I thought, been accused of making him choose and being selfish and what would his parents think.

I really don't care. He's not the one about to be cut in half and sewn together again, he's not the one worrying about sleepless nights and estaishing breastfeeding. I want one night where I can relax and have someone we clean up after me in the morning!

OP posts:
BumpKitty · 12/02/2014 11:48

Really you have two separate issues; the night away before you are too pg and the general issue of DH putting his parents first.

On the PIL issue it seems your DH is still firmly stuck in his role of son rather than husband and father, this may naturally change when the baby arrives or he may need some help adjusting to his new role. As he holds his own parents in such high esteem you may find he will put a lot of pressure on himself to be a 'perfect' dad and he will start putting you and your baby first because of this. But this will all be too late for your night away together.

With the night away you can either make an ultimatum and force his hand or try one of the compromises suggested. It depends on whether you want to tackle the issue now or see if he comes to his own realisations when he becomes a dad.

I expect I would do the ultimatum :)

ohfourfoxache · 12/02/2014 11:48

Oh ok he is being bloody ridiculous now.

Go on your own or ith a friend, and don't give him the option of joining you.

He is being a tosser. Go, relax and enjoy yourself

gamerchick · 12/02/2014 11:49

Yes there is somebody being selfish and it isn't you OP.

Stick to your guns.

gamerchick · 12/02/2014 11:53

Free mini bar? You're taking a suitcase aren't you? Grin

Meow75 · 12/02/2014 11:54

Has he considered the fact that by always deciding to see them when they come down to London, he has ALREADY chosen them over you/your relationship/time without older DS on countless previous occasions. Isn't it time YOU were chosen for once?!?!?!

JoinYourPlayfellows · 12/02/2014 11:54

I don't know how you put up with such a pathetic snivelling little shit in your life.

He's supposed to be a grown up MAN.

He can't go away with his wife overnight for the first time EVER and the last time for maybe YEARS because his parents will be in town?

Hmm

Honestly, how could you fancy a man that wet?

BumpKitty · 12/02/2014 11:54

Well you've been more than reasonable and offered a compromise and he hasn't budged an inch. I am appalled that he called you selfish!

Will his parents not say to him that he should be with you?

arethereanyleftatall · 12/02/2014 11:56

I haven't read any previous posts from op, so based on this thread alone, I'm going to go against the grain and say yabu. Sorry. The reason is that you did know they we're coming, or at least you could have found out via the calendar. And you could have organised a breakaway earlier than a few days before, ie for the weekend 2 Weeks ago.

JoinYourPlayfellows · 12/02/2014 11:57

Will his parents not say to him that he should be with you?

I know, seriously.

Imagine raising a child as needy and pathetic as this that they couldn't even go for a night away with their own spouse because you were coming to town.

Poor fuckers would probably love to visit London and not have him hanging about like a bad smell for once.

Foodylicious · 12/02/2014 11:58

Just a thought - can you go on the Sat night instead and spend Sunday together too?

waltermittymissus · 12/02/2014 11:58

This seems to be a symptom of a much, much bigger problem.

It's not normal for someone to prioritise their parents like this, not as an adult anyway!

arethereanyleftatall · 12/02/2014 11:59

Also, again based only on this thread, I don't see what's wrong with liking your parents and seeing them once a month. That still leaves 3 as a couple.

BeCool · 12/02/2014 11:59

Your "D"H is putting you last on quite a long list. I would confront his as to why he thinks this is OK? Why isn't he giving more priority to your feelings?

Whatever happens I hope you can relax and have a nice break, with or without your H.

JoinYourPlayfellows · 12/02/2014 11:59

Do you actually WANT to spend any time with him knowing you're only worth spending time with if there's nobody else around?

Original poster
Loopylouu · 12/02/2014 12:00

No, we can't go on Saturday night. We have to drive early to pick up ds from his dads house, it's a 7 hour round trip and his dad is going away, we have to pick him up at 10am.

OP posts:
craftynclothy · 12/02/2014 12:01

I have, as I thought, been accused of making him choose and being selfish and what would his parents think.

Well, given how fucking perfect they are, I expect they'll think how lovely for you unlike their selfish twunt of a son.

SelectAUserName · 12/02/2014 12:02

"Dear DH,

I am not 'making you choose' between me and your parents. I am telling you what my plans are for Friday night. If wanting ONE night away in a hotel being treated to a little bit of comparative luxury and having someone else cook and clean up makes me selfish, then I'm happy to be selfish. Of course I would have preferred it if you had also wanted to spend the night away with me, I'm not going to pretend otherwise, but you have made it clear that is not an option for you.

I'm sure your parents will understand why I feel in need of a little time to myself, particularly your DM as she can probably remember what it is like to be pregnant and feel tired all the time and in need of a bit of pampering. I only hope your DF was more understanding of her needs than you are to mine you selfish tosser It's not as if we won't see them again in 4-6 weeks' time anyway.

Loopylouu"