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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Yes I probably am being unreasonable, but I'm so pissed off re dh and his parents

174 replies

Loopylouu · 12/02/2014 09:53

So, I am 33 weeks pregnant.

Due to money/my older ds, dh and I have never been away alone together. No honeymoon, no overnight stays anywhere.

I have decided I want to go away to a nice hotel overnight next Friday. I'll be 34 weeks pregnant and ds decided to turn up at 36 weeks, so this is our last chance as I don't want to be away from home after that really just incase it all kicks off. DS goes to his fathers house EOW, and this is the last time he'll be away before the baby is here. It's also out third anniversary that day. Reasonable to want I go away, right?

I posted a while ago about PIL booking visits to come and stay on iCal without asking first. Well, talking about hotels to dh last night, he looks at the calendar and guess fucking what? PIL are down that day/night.

So obviously we can't go as dhs can't miss seeing them (they dot stay with us, they stay in a b&b as our flat is too small).

They have booked hotel and can't change date and dh wouldn't want them to anyway.

Am thinking of just booking the hotel anyway and going myself and sayig he can come if he wants or he can stay here wih his mum and dad. I'm tired, pissed off and I want a break from these four walls.

Go ahead and call me a cow.

OP posts:
ScarlettMantleplume · 12/02/2014 10:16

Book and go. Let DH chose between you. Having read your previous threads I think it's about time you made a point.

petalsandstars · 12/02/2014 10:17

Ok PIL on the face of it seem to have given you a get out. They aee happy to do their own thing so I would ring or email them yourself and say that you already have plans for your own time away that weekend so you won't be around and DH is yet to decide whether or not to come with you or stay to see them.

Also block out time on the calendar with "busy" for yourself for ages in the future leaving few spaces to prevent this happening again.

You know that you don't want them to decide when they will turn up when baby arrives so put your foot down now.

Whity74 · 12/02/2014 10:18

I dotn think you're a cow. Just booking it wouldnt be wise though. Let him know how desperate you are for a break.

SanityClause · 12/02/2014 10:18

You're not irrationally angry; you are justifiably angry.

Making him choose between his parents and you? No, you are not making him choose. It's one of those situations in life where a choice is unavoidable.

At the moment, he is choosing his parents, over you. He wants to see them more than he wants to spend what is possibly your last weekend before the baby, with you.

Fanks, "D"H!

gamerchick · 12/02/2014 10:18

I agree.. its time to make a point. Let him explain where you are and answer the questions to why he's there and not with you. Also making a point to them that you're not going to be dictated to.

Go and chill or take a mate with you. I would love a night in a hotel for a bit peace.

Original poster
Loopylouu · 12/02/2014 10:18

I don't have any support, I don't know anyone here.

But I'm not worried - I didn't know anyone when I had ds, however, I met lots of lovely people at baby groups, the park etc who I was Friends with for many years (until horrible divorce and moving 400 miles away). So I know I'll meet people once baby is born, we live in nappy valley, you can't move for pushchairs round here!

OP posts:
HopeS01 · 12/02/2014 10:19

How long are they staying for? Can't you go away together on the Friday and come back Saturday afternoon/ evening and see them then? There's plenty to keep them busy in London and you should be top priority right now!

Foodylicious · 12/02/2014 10:22

Just tell him he should have checked with you first before telling them that it was ok they had booked.
If you actually had booked this night already yourself they would have to cancel or postpone - tell your DH you don't really see the difference and that you are booking it and expect him to be want to be there.

They can still come and stay in that B&B, you could meet them for dinner out somewhere nice the next night.

Stopmithering · 12/02/2014 10:27

Your in-laws want to see you both - that's nice.
Hopefully they are nice company and helpful?
Which is good.
It would irritate me that they kept booking hotels without checking whether you are around; I agree with you.
However, they have said they don't have to see you.
And they don't!
DH is not putting himself in your shoes and not recognising that YOU want / need a break from normality before baby arrives.
I think you should tell him that you are going to go away that weekend and he has to decide if he wants to be with you and miss his parents (which should be no big deal if they are coming again 4 weeks later!!!).
And if he continues to be a bit of a twat, take a friend / family member / go on your own?
It sounds like your DH needs to be told that this is what is happening. I would do that but I am quite forthright.

BumpKitty · 12/02/2014 10:30

I know you want your DH to go with you but if that's not going to happen could you ask a friend to go? Or you could just explain to your DH that you really need a break and so you are going to ask X to go with you instead and see what he says.

clam · 12/02/2014 10:32

Why is this I-planner thing still happening? I thought you were going to deal with it before, as it's been pissing you off for a while?

Original poster
Loopylouu · 12/02/2014 10:35

I know it's not PIL that are the problem, it's dh.

They are nice. The calendar was dhs idea. But it's not working for me.

They are only here for the Friday night, leaving sat afternoon. The hotel want to go to isn't far, only about half an hour away in the place I lived as a child. But I wanted to spend the sat day there, have a nice lunch and visit my mums grave after.

OP posts:
Original poster
Loopylouu · 12/02/2014 10:37

Clam we had a huge row about it at Christmas. It was then he spoke to them and they said just because they are down it doesn't mean we have to see them. It's partly so they can book in advance and get v cheap hotel rates. But that doesn't help as dh wants to see them everytime..

OP posts:
MissBattleaxe · 12/02/2014 10:38

It seems to me that your DH and his parents must be kept happy before your own wishes. Buck the trend right now as it's not fair on you.

You have never been away overnight with him since you got married. It's really not too much to ask just before the whole new baby chaos comes to town. You need this. This is the last chance you'll get and you are NOT being irrational!

Anyway, if you do end up having the baby at 36 weeks, he can see his precious parents then. Teach him to Skype if he needs Mummy and Daddy so badly.

Original poster
Loopylouu · 12/02/2014 10:42

Also, he wanted his parents at the hospital and her right after the birth.

I had horrendous PND with ds die to ex PIL doing he same. Planning a section again this time and it was hell having people on the ward and then at home while I was recovering the first time. I failed at breastfeeding as I had absolutely no space and privacy, it was hell and contributed to PND. So we had a huge argument about that (think I posted about that on where too!) and the next time they have booked to come down is four weeks after she is born.

So if he doesn't see them now, it won't be for 6 weeks, like I said ds came early so I don't want them to postpone two weeks, I'll be 36 weeks and to me that's too close for comfort.

OP posts:
FrankelInFoal · 12/02/2014 10:46

If you don't want PIL visiting you in hospital tell your midwife. If your DH won't act as gatekeeper for you, the midwives will. They will take your instructions over his.

waltermittymissus · 12/02/2014 10:46

Six whole weeks without seeing mumsy and popsicles, huh?

Tell him to get the fuck over himself!

Original poster
Loopylouu · 12/02/2014 10:48

We have sorted that issue now frankel He finally saw my point of view about it, thank god, but only after a midwife backed me up on it saying that in her opinion, a bit of space and privacy to bond this time round would be beneficial to me.

OP posts:
FrankelInFoal · 12/02/2014 10:50

Ah, glad to hear it.

Original poster
Loopylouu · 12/02/2014 10:51

He is very close to them.

He says they are perfect, they have no flaws and they are the most wonderful people in the world. He won't hear a word against them. He has said before that they are the most important people in his life. Then she sort of took it back and tells me that I am the most important person, but still, I know how he really feels.

Fucks sake, even my 11 year old doesn't feel that way about me! He knows I am moody and irritable, and that I have my faults. I doubt he's felt that way about me since he was about 3!

OP posts:
myroomisatip · 12/02/2014 10:52

YANBU!!!

Go. And book yourself a nice facial or something while you are at it.

If your 'D'H isn't going to take care of you then you take great care of yourself. Flowers

I am so cross on your behalf.

RainYourRottingMyDhaliaBulbs · 12/02/2014 10:54

Loopy I think I have read your other threads on childbirth...

I really feel for you having all this stress at such a critical time, stress does affect the baby...

I just feel for you your partner sounds like an arse. not much help I am sorry.

I think you should go on your own....I enjoy my own company..

and yes - so Fiing what if you are asking him to choose, his 34 pregant partner or them one one occasion, sounds like a man child

LoonvanBoon · 12/02/2014 10:55

Glad it's sorted out, OP - you weren't being unreasonable!

I think you need to get rid of this calendar system completely, though. I'm sure I read your previous thread about this & it's clearly not working for you. Very bizarre system, anyway - it would only take a few minutes for PIL to fix convenient dates with you by text / email / over the 'phone.

Hope everything goes well with the rest of your pregnancy - enjoy your break!

Original poster
Loopylouu · 12/02/2014 10:56

He's not that terrible really.

He just has form for putting his parents first and not understanding anything about pregnancy or how I'm feeling. He's got better on the latter though, I'll give him that.

OP posts:
LoonvanBoon · 12/02/2014 10:58

Oh God, just read your other post about your DH's view of his parents. Sorry, that does sound seriously unhealthy. I'm like you, I let my kids know I make mistakes & they are very aware of my imperfections! For an adult to see his parents in such an idealized, unrealistic way is a bit fucked-up, I think. Really hope he grows up a bit - & quickly.