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AIBU?

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Original poster

Yes I probably am being unreasonable, but I'm so pissed off re dh and his parents

174 replies

Loopylouu · 12/02/2014 09:53

So, I am 33 weeks pregnant.

Due to money/my older ds, dh and I have never been away alone together. No honeymoon, no overnight stays anywhere.

I have decided I want to go away to a nice hotel overnight next Friday. I'll be 34 weeks pregnant and ds decided to turn up at 36 weeks, so this is our last chance as I don't want to be away from home after that really just incase it all kicks off. DS goes to his fathers house EOW, and this is the last time he'll be away before the baby is here. It's also out third anniversary that day. Reasonable to want I go away, right?

I posted a while ago about PIL booking visits to come and stay on iCal without asking first. Well, talking about hotels to dh last night, he looks at the calendar and guess fucking what? PIL are down that day/night.

So obviously we can't go as dhs can't miss seeing them (they dot stay with us, they stay in a b&b as our flat is too small).

They have booked hotel and can't change date and dh wouldn't want them to anyway.

Am thinking of just booking the hotel anyway and going myself and sayig he can come if he wants or he can stay here wih his mum and dad. I'm tired, pissed off and I want a break from these four walls.

Go ahead and call me a cow.

OP posts:
Original poster
Loopylouu · 12/02/2014 12:05

9am, sorry. So we'd have to leave hideously early.

We do this trip every other weekend. So we lose every other Sunday anyway - and Fridays too, not taking him next fri as his dad is picking him up on the thur for a change as it's half term. I won't be doing it with a baby (which is why dh isn't all bad, he doesn't mind doing it) so every other weekend that's Friday night and Sunday gone. So we don't have three weekends if they visit every fourth.

OP posts:
ohfourfoxache · 12/02/2014 12:08

Er, yeah, he's still being a selfish tosser.

He knew about ds when you got together. You're a complete package.

Go on your own. Seriously. You need to get away and he is being a prick.

daisychicken · 12/02/2014 12:09

I would tell him exactly what you wrote here:

"I really don't care. He's not the one about to be cut in half and sewn together again, he's not the one worrying about sleepless nights and estaishing breastfeeding. I want one night where I can relax and have someone we clean up after me in the morning!"

and I think I'd also remind him that he is a husband and a dad and that takes priority now over being a son. Yes, he should still get to spend time with his parents but not at the expense of his relationship with you (or his child).

ohfourfoxache · 12/02/2014 12:10

Also Lou, you always seem to be doing everything to please everyone else. DH, taking ds to see his dad (why can't his dad do more to see his son? Why are you having to do so much travelling?)

This is now time for YOU. Sod everyone else, you need this break.

Original poster
Loopylouu · 12/02/2014 12:10

We've not been able to go earlier because of ds travel arrangements.

Friday night we are not home until 1am after dropping him off amd them we are usually off again to get him at 11 on a Sunday. So the sat night we are both tired and not up for doing anything. This weeks happens to fall at the end of half term when his dad was having him a day earlier so we actually had a fri night free.

I don't like leaving ds the weekends he's here, I want to spend time with him, especially since being pregnant again, I so t want him to feel pushed out.

OP posts:
Original poster
Loopylouu · 12/02/2014 12:12

ohforfoxache because I moved ds away from his dad. So contact is my responsibility.

OP posts:
clam · 12/02/2014 12:12

You don't need to be making him choose - he's already done that and gone for them.

I feel very sad for you. Hope you have a nice break on your own, and can get a few things straight in your head.

Bornin1984 · 12/02/2014 12:13

Can you talk to mil and explain it's anniversary weekend and you have booked the hotel as a treat for U and dh, appeal to them? Explain dh is reluctant to Go because they are visiting?

I'm 28 weeks pregnant and would love a night of luxury!

clam · 12/02/2014 12:13

"because I moved ds away from his dad. So contact is my responsibility"

Not all of it, surely? 50%? Who told you this? Was it formally agreed in mediation?

Original poster
Loopylouu · 12/02/2014 12:19

Yes, it was a complicated divorce. It was deemed that the travel was up to me As I wanted to move ds so far away.

OP posts:
ohfourfoxache · 12/02/2014 12:21

Jesus Lou that's terrible Sad

Original poster
Loopylouu · 12/02/2014 12:27

I know, ex he is also being a shit about dh picking up ds on his own.

I have had to get my solicitor write a letter to his to say that I can't accompany dh anymore due to advanced pregnancy and having a section and a newborn baby not being able to spend 7 hours in a car seat.

Ex is being so awkward, I've even had to get letters from my midwive to say that I shouldn't travel that far from 36 weeks and that it's not recommended after a section and that it's difficult for a young baby to travel 14 hours in a weekend.

He has no reason not to trust dh driving ds, he's just being am arsehole.

OP posts:
LadyAlysVorpatril · 12/02/2014 12:28

You are SO nbu. Look sometimes he will have to choose between you and his parents. That's life. And he should bloody well be choosing you every time. In fact his parents are a red herring here. He's not choosing between you and them, it's a choice between what he wants and what you want. It sounds like he is very affronted that you don't automatically put his needs first 100% of the time instead of 90%. Tell him to grow the hell up.

Original poster
Loopylouu · 12/02/2014 12:36

Oh, and I didn't check the calendar myself as it gives me the fucking rage to see my life planned out by other people for the next year.

OP posts:
Foodylicious · 12/02/2014 12:36

How old is DS?

JoinYourPlayfellows · 12/02/2014 12:40

it gives me the fucking rage to see my life planned out by other people for the next year.

I'm not surprised.

Why doesn't he give a fuck about what you want or what makes you happy?

Foodylicious · 12/02/2014 12:40

I would get rid of that calendar now. If people want to see you and your family they can contact you and ask when you are free.
I would never dream of using such a thing, would hate the idea of other people looking at it and thinking "oh look, she's free then lets do this..." would drive me insane! your time is yours alone and other people even knowing about it is too much of an intrusion for me.

Original poster
Loopylouu · 12/02/2014 12:45

Ds is 11. So too young yet to get the train up and down by himself. But in a couple of years he can do.

The calendar has to go.

I know I will be a mil myself one day, but I would never just tell ds when I was visiting. I'd suggest a date or wait to be invited. They need to call and discuss dates, I don't know what is so hard about that. And I don't see the need to book a year in advance, that's just stupid.

OP posts:
ohfourfoxache · 12/02/2014 12:45

Goody is right - ditch the calendar with immediate effect.

Or, DH can have the calendar but it has no impact on you and your plans - ie you will not comply wih plans that are not pre discussed.

It sounds like you're a bit back to square 1 with he calendar Lou Sad

newrose · 12/02/2014 12:47

But you have access to the calendar? If it's first come first served then you need to start block booking your downtime . . .

Thumbwitch · 12/02/2014 12:49

JEez your DH is going to have to pull his head out of his arse when the baby comes, isn't he! Life isn't going to be as fucking simple as he thinks after that and I for one am looking forward to hearing about his wake-up call!

As for your hotel stay, PLEASE JUST DO IT. In fact, make the decision for him - tell him you don't want him to come, you just need a break from EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING and to do just exactly what YOU want while you still have half a chance. That gets around his whinyarse "you're making me choooooose" crap.

Your PILs might be "lovely" but they're fucking intrusive! And your DH is a mammy's boy by the sound of it. I have no issue with anyone wanting to see their parents but ffs, he could give it a miss JUST THIS FUCKING ONCE.

But as he doesn't want to and would ruin your night away, just tell him you're going on your own and he can stay and see mammy and daddy. It'll be the last time he gets to be the kiddy with them anyway, as the next time he sees them he'll be a father in his own right, and (with a bit of luck) might have realised that a tad of growing up would be in order.

waltermittymissus · 12/02/2014 12:50

Yes, the calendar has to go.

But it actually has to go this time!!!

Original poster
Loopylouu · 12/02/2014 13:01

Yes, I can see the calendar on my mac if I want to....I've just Biden it to avoid throwing the computer out the window in frustration. I don't know how blocking things out would work.

The calendar was dhs idea as when we first lived together, I'd say "oh, I'm meeting up with so and so this weekend" or "we've been invited to so and so's house for lunch on Saturday" thinking we had no plans and then he'd drop on me that his parents were visiting, he'd neglected to tell me, so I'd have to tell people that actually, I know I said we were free but we are not. It was quite embarrassing at times, especially as we'd just moved here and they were parents from ds school and I was trying to make friends, it just made me look flakey.

But I didn't think they would just add dates in as and when, I thought we'd discus dates and then put them in.

I hope he grows up when the baby is here. He's a good step dad, but I hope his own child will make him realise he needs to cut the apron strings.

Although he once asked my why I put ds before my dad when my dad wanted to visit but I already had tickets to take ds to a theme park as a treat. He said if it were his parents wanting to visit he would have cancilled the treat! I was really shocked by that!

OP posts:
Original poster
Loopylouu · 12/02/2014 13:02

*hidden

OP posts:
JoinYourPlayfellows · 12/02/2014 13:06

If it's first come first served then you need to start block booking your downtime . . .

Good idea.

Block the entire thing out for the next year and only leave a few weekends free when it would actually suit you to have them visit.

The calendar was dhs idea as when we first lived together, I'd say "oh, I'm meeting up with so and so this weekend" or "we've been invited to so and so's house for lunch on Saturday" thinking we had no plans and then he'd drop on me that his parents were visiting, he'd neglected to tell me, so I'd have to tell people that actually, I know I said we were free but we are not.

Why did you cancel plans you had made when you were free just because your boyfriends parents were making a trip you didn't know about? Confused