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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think that only people who worship Christ should have a church wedding or baptism

405 replies

HollyMiamiFLA · 12/02/2014 09:30

And that those people who are not Christians but have a church wedding are just doing it because they want to be the centre of attention in a lovely white dress, to walk down the aisle with music playing and that all that stuff the vicar says about God etc is irrelevant because they don't actually believe it but they're going with the flow and it's traditional.

AIBU to think it's a facade - vicars go along with it because it keeps the church going, couples go along with it because it's tradition and they can ignore the religious stuff and true Christians probably get a bit annoyed but accept it?

OP posts:

ProfondoRosso · 12/02/2014 09:45

I think it depends. I'm a Catholic and, though I don't regularly attend chapel and have a lot of issues with how the church operates (though I'm a big fan of Francesco), I feel a very strong connection to my faith. I'm not a 'good' Catholic, really, but I absolutely wanted to get married in the chapel I went to at school because I feel a real emotional bond with the place and the way I perceived faith there as a child. And I wanted to give the priest money that would go to good use in the community, not straight into a 'venue's' coffers.

I don't think people who feel no connection to faith should get married in chapels/churches but I think it's ok to have DCs baptized there, because it's for the child, not the parent. I feel that someone doesn't have to be a regular attendee or identify exclusively as Christian to be married in a sacred place, as long as they feel a meaningful connection to the faith and spirituality the place represents and show respect for that.

CumberCookie · 12/02/2014 09:47

It's been going on for as long as there has been churches though...And isn't it unChristian to deny people a church service if that's what they want?

Original poster

HollyMiamiFLA · 12/02/2014 09:47

I am not Christian. I do not believe in God.
I can see that people want a wedding in a church because it's traditional and nice.

I think it would be nice to have a wedding in a church without the religious stuff.

I think that if you say religious vows, you should believe what you say. Otherwise you're just doing what's expected so you get a nice wedding.

OP posts:

PandaFeet · 12/02/2014 09:47

We have a lot of Christianity imposed on us in everyday life, so based on that I don't see why we should be excluded from using their services if we so wish.

I agree with this.

Also, I am undecided as to whether I believe, as is my partner. We are getting married in a church as it is very important to both his parents and mine, who are all committed church goers with active roles within their churches.

It would be much simpler for us to get married in a registry office. We wouldn't have to attend marriage classes with our minister for one. But our marriage is also about our two families joining together, and we are having a church wedding as its important to those around us.

Thisvehicleisreversing · 12/02/2014 09:47

Would those who don't believe in God but still have weddings/christenings in church, consider getting married in a mosque or a synagogue?

Genuine question.

IHaveSeenMyHat · 12/02/2014 09:48

I agree. I'm an atheist and wouldn't have dreamed of getting married in a church. I don't care whether churches are "pretty" or "what's the harm, it's just what people do". For me, it would have been as wrong and as alien as getting married in a temple, mosque or synagogue.

OddBoots · 12/02/2014 09:49

Do you really think that Jesus, who told the people to let the little children come and be with him, would agree with you? If people want to include God in their special times then why would any Christian want to turn them away?

I have more of an issue with the church's grip on many (mostly) state funded schools.

flowery · 12/02/2014 09:49

"I don't thing it's hypocritical to get married in a church if you don't believe in it. It's just a building if you don't believe in God - often a very nice one and if the money from the wedding helps maintain it, then everyone wins."

The thing is, as it stands at the moment, getting married in a church isn't just about the building. You have to make vows that refer to God. That's the hypocritical bit, if you don't believe.

I think allowing people to hold civil ceremonies in churches would be a great idea to allow people who want the sense of importance and attractiveness of a church building to use them without making vows they don't believe in.

TheMaw · 12/02/2014 09:50

It cost me £700 to get married in a church, and that was just for the church hire and service. I wanted to get married in a church and they got £700 for forty minutes of us being there. Pretty fair deal, I'd say.

ToBeSure · 12/02/2014 09:51

I am athiest and it would have felt strange getting married in church. I think the churches are as much at fault as the atheists - I guess they get their money and the bridal party get their church wedding.

I suppose some atheists may get married in church for their families (patents?) benefit?

IceBeing · 12/02/2014 09:51

hmmm I think about this a lot as I got married in church but don't believe in God.

I was a regular church goer CofE until the age of 18 when I left for uni. I did sunday school and sang in the church choir 3 times a week for 11 years. The church was a part of my life, my community and felt like an extended family. I never got confirmed though as I knew I didn't believe in God. I could obviously give all the right answer etc. but thats not really the point...

So when I wanted to get married at 22 it would have felt like madness not to get married in the centre of my community regardless of my personal belief or lack thereof. I am glad my church were happy to do that even though many knew I was an atheist.

To be honest in my case I believe it is bringing up children in a religion they may not share that is at fault more than any hypocrisy on my part. My parents made church part of my life...so why blame me if I continue to associate strongly with the church even though genetics has made me a non-believer?

Original poster

HollyMiamiFLA · 12/02/2014 09:52

Why did you want to get married in a church?

Because of your faith in God
Or it's a nice building?

What did you think of the religious vows?

OP posts:

AnAdventureInCakeAndWine · 12/02/2014 09:53

I don't know any atheists who've got married in church in the last 10-20 years. Not a one. I do know people of various levels of slightly wishy-washy belief who've done it, and I think that's fair enough -- you shouldn't have to wait until you have a firm and unshakable belief in order to marry, and the CofE in particular is a very broad and all-encompassing church.

Thisvehicleisreversing · 12/02/2014 09:53

Would you knock on the door of a mosque and say "your building is lovely, may we use it for our wedding but don't worry we'll lie about our faith and pledge whatever is needed to Allah. We just want pretty pictures" ?

Thought not.

IceBeing · 12/02/2014 09:54

My church didn't even make money from me...as one of the family I got choir, bells, flowers service for free...only the legal bit needed paying for...

At no point did we hide the fact that neither me nor my husband believe in God.

jessjessjess · 12/02/2014 09:54

I'm a bit baffled by it really. I'm Christian but DH doesn't believe so it would've been absurd to make Christian vows - he would've had to lie.

IceBeing · 12/02/2014 09:54

this I think if you had grown up in said mosque you might....

Original poster

HollyMiamiFLA · 12/02/2014 09:55

icebeing

Did you say any religious stuff then?

OP posts:

ExcuseTypos · 12/02/2014 09:55

YANBU. This is the reason I got married in a registry office, I'm not going to make promises to a god I don't believe in.

HamletsSister · 12/02/2014 09:55

But lots of those people who have church weddings and christenings DO believe in God but just don't choose to worship regularly for a huge number of reasons. How can you tell? We married in church and had the children christened but we are not regular churchgoers at the moment for a number of reasons (personal). By your rules people should have to pas some kind of test (attendance register) to be allowed in.

Really - shouldn't God be the judge?

ReallyTired · 12/02/2014 09:56

""It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick. I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners." Mark 2:17

Churches are not there just for "perfect christians". To me if someone wants the church for a wedding or a funeral then that is a good enough reason. I feel that churches should use the opportunity of a non believer wanting a wedding as a way of reaching out to them.

ProfondoRosso I suppose that baptism means different things to different groups of christians. Some christians believe that babies who aren't baptised and die go to hell. Many protestants believe that all children who are unlucky enough to die go to heaven.

IceBeing · 12/02/2014 09:56

I think this will continue to happen as long as parents continue to attempt to brainwash their kids.

I had sung at literally hundreds of weddings in my church before planning my own...not my choice really...but that of my parents.

Joysmum · 12/02/2014 09:56

I don't believe in God but my DH wanted to get married in church. I respected his wishes, he rarely asks for anything.

I point blank refused to get involved with a christening for our DD but told him if he wanted to do the promise, he was more than welcome but I couldn't promise to bring her up in the church because I'm not a believer and would not lie.

LadyInDisguise · 12/02/2014 09:57

We got married in church because my PIL are very religious and we knew it would make them happy.
WE also got married in church because my DH has been brought up in that religion and it 'felt right' for him to do that (just as he wouldn't have had children out of marriage) BUT he is not a churchgoer and actually doesn't have a very strong belief.

When we got married, the minister was going to be retired the day after. He was lovely, never asked if I was even baptised and never ever put any emphasis on God but instead was talking about what it means (compassion, sharing etc...). And despite not being a believer, all these were things that I thought were very important. So it didn't feel wrong to do it that way.

IceBeing · 12/02/2014 09:58

I said religious stuff for 18 years week in week out....when they start you as a kid it can take a long time to wash out...

and by the way when you do realise all the dire things said about the unbelievers actually refer to you it is rather a nasty time for a child...

Bringing up children in a faith is a far larger crime than said children growing into adults and then retaining some sense of connection to the faith they had forced on them even though it was never right for them...

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