To hate these kind of comments about surviving cancer?

[Sallystyle]

I am pretty sure everyone by now is aware my ex husband died in December of cancer leaving three of our young children behind. I know I mention it a lot but it has been a devastating few months.

I think I have mentioned my dislike of these type of comments elsewhere as well.

I go onto FB and see a friends status about how she has been recovered from cancer for over 8 years now. That is fantastic, I have sent messages saying how happy I am for her etc but I take great offence at some of the comments which are on the lines of:

'Of course you fought it, you are strong'
'Cancer could never beat someone like you'
'Hold your head up, this just shows what an amazing strong person you are, cancer never had a chance'

So reading this hit me hard this morning and I have since hid the status in question but I am sitting here feeling really pissed off. This is not the first time I have read stuff like this.

I just want to shout and say cancer doesn't care if you are a strong person or not, dying from cancer doesn't make you any less stronger than the next person. I know no one means any offence but how hard is it to just say congratulations I am so happy for you or something?

Maybe I am just hurting and bitter but I so wanted to comment on it but I did the right thing and just hid it instead and then came straight here to vent.

So am I an unreasonable to hate these type of comments?

As can e seen it can be annoying and upsetting for some

Earlybird I can only speak for myself as a loved-one of cancer patients, but when my parents both got very ill last year, lots of people said 'I don't know what to say', and that was fine, because I knew that I wouldn't have known what to say either. There IS nothing you can say to make these kinds of shit situations better. To me, when friends said that, I understood that it meant that they loved me, and they wanted to support me. I think it's ok to say anything that conveys that you care for that person, you want to support them, and that you are really sad for them.

YANBU - I completely agree. Sorry about your DH.

YANBU. My DH, both parents and MIL have all had cancer and are still alive 2-15 years later. This is not evidence of their 'strength'.

It is down to their good fortune to have treatable cancers which were picked up early enough. And good medical care.

The people I know who have not 'beaten' cancer had no bloody chance, because they had no chance against a late diagnosis or a particularly aggressive form of cancer. Drives me mad too.

YANBU. My mum died of cancer in December, aged 64. She was the strongest person I know. I suppose the people making those comments are just trying to say something positive and supportive, but have done so rather clumsily.

Cancer sucks, and whether or not someone survives it is dependent on so many factors. I'm sorry for the loss you and your children have suffered x

So sorry about your husband, cancer is a brd disease. As you know, when you're diagnosed you are told how far it's spread & what your treatment options are. Then you just go onto the treadmill of treatment & surgery. There is no fighting involved, it is just the draw that you are given. I'm clear now, had my 1st 12 months all clear just before Xmas. I spent many a night sitting downstairs at 2am crying, feeling sick & being very scared. Not brave, not fighting, just getting through the process. People can be very judgy when cancer is involved. I've never smoked, I'm not a wino, I've always been, (fairly) slim & been sporty & fit. But, to read some of the stuff about cancer, it lays out blame about lifestyle. My oncologist said it was a load of rubbish & nothing that I'd done. Oh,it's not in the family either. I found that a lot of people are, "oh, you're OK now, why are you not just like you were before." I'll never be like I was before. I've had a boob cut off & will worry about every lump & bump. DH & DC' s now worry too, which is awful to see as I know it's my fault. New Year was spent going for tests for spinal bone Mets, which were negative thank G, just knackered discs. So no, not brave, not fighting & not my fault or fair on the rest of my family. So sorry for you & your family OP, a bstrd disease that is indiscriminate & not bldy fair.

Rudolph, your post pretty much describes how we feel about my husband's cancer and our experiences.

We did distance ourselves from some friends after the initial diagnosis because we couldn't cope with their well meaning advice, along with the complete devastation of our normal life. We will never be quite the same again, but in some bizarre ways it has had some positive consequences - not taking life for granted and being able to empathise with what other, similarly ill, friends are going through.

But, if I can ask, what sort of comments would be helpful or meaningful?

Earlybird, I can only speak for ourselves, but a simple "I'm sorry. Is there anything I can do to help?" is more than enough. A sympathetic sounding board is also good. Sometimes you just need to tell people what you've gone through and have them listen, without judgement or advice. Also when my husband was feeling well enough, an invitation to coffee or a trip to the cinema was wonderful therapy ie life carrying on as normal.

Agree with fireside about what to say.

The best thing that friends did when DH was recovering from surgery was invite us all for lunch. The children played with their friends in a big house when they had been stuck at home more than usual, I didn't have to cook, and DH was fed then encouraged to lie down on a comfortable sofa in an empty room and have a nap. It was a wonderful antidote to one relative in particular who parked herself in our house, wringing her hands and talking about how upset she was that DH was I'll but expecting to be waited on (obviously a post-major surgery spouse + 3 children to look after left me with lots of time and patience to play hostess )

Another one here who hates the "Battle" metaphors. I've had cancer myself, and in the past three years have lost two close friends, my father and an aunt to it, plus my cousin is dealing with cancer coming back, and this time it's terminal.

The best thing to say is that you are sorry, and offer to help. I really appreciated those friends who phoned me when I was ill and just had nice normal girly chats about lipstick - because even though I had cancer, i was still me and I didn't want every conversation to be about my illness.

Neither of my two close friends ever used the battle metaphor - they simply did not find it helpful, and we talked deeply and extensively about our illnesses and their terminal diagnoses.

The sad thing is that there are many charlatans out there who ae quite happy to prey on sick cancer patients with all kinds of woo which has no medical basis whatsoever. One friend asked me to take her regularly to see a doctor in the West country who charged eye watering amounts for bags of herbs and a very strange diet, even though my friend was terminal at that stage. The doctor was clever enough nto to directly claim it could be cured, but suggested that improvements were likely. It was vile. The same goes for most of these alternative treatments - they cost a fortune and have no proven basis. John Diamond's book (another recommendation here) is brilliant on this issue.

I also agree that the "You're so strong" comment is simply a way for the speaker to shut down any possibility that actually you might want to express your vulnerability. To say, I am sad that I am facing this illness, that I will be permanently scarred, never have children, and I don't want to leave my husband or my life, which I love very much. That honesty is simply too much for some people, so they come out with the "fighting" metaphors, because it is more comfortable for them.

One of the reasons why I don't donate to CRC is their ridicolous advertising campaigns which like others I find offensive and unhelpful.

The scariest thing I have ever seen was a 90yo woman who fought death desperately and in the end died screaming with fear and anger because she refused to accept it. Whatever that was it wasn't strength. I don't want to go like that.

Oh Cory, that's so dreadful :(

As a nurse, I have seen patients fight cancer, and seen those who just give up. Some demand all the most advanced treatments and others refuse all medical intervention. My own Father ignored his symptoms for months, so when he was diagnosed, it was too late. Some people get lucky, some fight, some lose. I think you AB a bit U.

But LaGuardia, people refusing all medical intervention is a comparatively unusual situation, and I don't think choosing a short period of remaining life over a longer period of radiotherapy/chemotherapy/radical surgery is 'not fighting'. It's an individual choice. It may be a very courageous one.

Most people opt to have whatever medical treatment is available, so surely it's medicine that is 'fighting' the disease in that case?

I find that sort of thing annoying and hurtful too. I live in Mexico and was offended by one soap-opera character saying to another, your are such a good person, you won't die. Pathetic, I know, but it felt like they had maligned my dead mother.

LaGuardia, wow, one of the most thoughtless posts I've seen here and you are a nurse

op, YANBU, cancer doesnt care how hard you fight

It's all too similar to the televangelists who think if you're not healed it was because you didn't have enough faith.

Like everyone else on this thread I don't think you are BU and I also hate the whole cancer as a fight that has to be fought thing. I had cancer 10 years ago and I don't think of myself as anything but bloody lucky I survived and it's nothing short of a miracle that I have since had children.

We don't fight cancer. We just go through all the treatment and hope to God (or whoever) it works.

and from me.

Refusing medical treatment or further medical treatment isn't necessarily giving up and not 'fighting'. My mum wanted to try and have a small quality of life in her final weeks so stopped chemo. There can be a whole host of reasons for it. I'm not sure if you meant that post to come over quite as insensitively as it did laguardia

Another cancer patient here who loathes the battle metaphors and strength and positivity bullshit.

LaGuardia - "fight"? How?

You take the meds or you don't take the meds - the meds work or they don't. It is science.

You never hear of people fighting and battling MS or diabetes or heart disease. All the bullshit sloppy metaphors and lingo are reserved solely for cancer for some surreal reason.

OP I am sorry to hear of your exDH.

LaGuardia I hope that, as a nurse, you will be receptive to some of the views you've read on this thread, and think about what you can learn from them.

Declining all medical assistance is unusual, I would have thought.

In retrospect, I think I would have preferred it if my mum had declined the chemo that was responsible for landing her in hospital for 10 days, having come close to death through starvation.

But she wanted to have the treatment and so, if we had that time again, I would support her in her choices for treatment, as I did before.

YANBU. My daughter died of acute myeloid leukaemia 19 months ago. She was 9. No amount of fight and attitude could save her. She had a disease.

To be honest I think LaGuardia's comments are not uncommon amongst the medical profession.

Making an informed choice of QoL over active treatment is rarely welcomed with open arms by oncologists etc.

@expat - x-post. Very sad to hear of your daughter.

Earlybird, that is enough, honestly.

I think most people in this situation just want to know they are being cared about. A simple 'I am thinking of you' or an offer of a shoulder to talk in means the world.

YANBU - it's offensive to suggest that someone was not strong enough nor fought hard enough for life.

Someone I love dearly desperately didn't want to die from pancreatic cancer. I was told at her funeral that she "just gave up, that's why she went so quickly"

I was generous and put her comment down to stupidity.