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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Friend's racist boyfriend

148 replies

theskythestonethewaythekey · 05/02/2014 09:30

Name change for obvious reasons.

My friend of about 10 years has recently got herself a new boyfriend. It's looking serious but we haven't met him yet I.

AIBU to refuse to meet him given the fact that his Facebook page is nothing but anti-muslim "jokes", racist diatribes and other general unpleasantness?

He posts links from the EDL, the BNP and even less savoury groups. There is literally nothing else on his wall.

My friend seems smitten with him, and excuses his online behaviour by saying that he just has strong opinions.

What worries me is how I am supposed to make small-talk with such a man. He doesn't know me but I already feel that I know quite enough about him. Having said that, at some point my friend is going to want me to meet him.

OP posts:

WorraLiberty · 05/02/2014 12:31

OK but you go first Randy

I've been caught like that far too often

BuzzardBird · 05/02/2014 12:31

What?

BuzzardBird · 05/02/2014 12:33

Red, I apologise. I thought you were being inflammatory. Yes, they are awful and horrible and would treat you badly as an immigrant.

softlysoftly · 05/02/2014 12:34

Fascinators against Facism?

WorraLiberty · 05/02/2014 12:36

The EDL Facebook page is a joy to behold

With intelligent comments like "Bring back Hitler", I'm surprised they're not running the country...

ifyourehoppyandyouknowit · 05/02/2014 12:37

The wording on the EDL pages is very careful. But the EDL represented by the people who go on those god awful marches is very different, and a much truer depiction of the kind of person the EDL attracts.

OP, you don't have to meet him. You've seen enough. You are not the Arsehole Whisperer. There is no obligation to spend time with people who think such ridiculous, abhorrent, racist crap. Total waste of time.

redshifter · 05/02/2014 12:40

*I think the English should look at themselves for the reason why, and not at immigration

If England has an identity it's one of being a melting pot of different peoples settling here

'Racist' and 'thick' usually go hand in hand.

IfEngland is a shadow of its former self I'd be blaming the bankers, tbh, you know, the people who caused the world recession.And yes, it is fashionable to stick up for minorities. And thank Christ for that*

I agree with all these statements.

I think people were assuming I was a racist (maybe understandably so) and was defending the EDL. When I just asked a genuine question and asked for more information.

I feel bad now. Maybe I am stupid but if you feel someone is of lower intelligence than you, maybe it would be more effective if you tried to educate them rather than calle them dim.

ifyourehoppyandyouknowit · 05/02/2014 12:44

Just wasted five minutes of my life on the EDL facebook page. Grim reading.

ViviPru · 05/02/2014 12:45

You are not the Arsehole Whisperer.

I tend to agree with HopALongOn.

NoArmaniNoPunani · 05/02/2014 12:45

Look at this blog redshifter. The same people at the EDL march are shown holding a white power banner

ViviPru · 05/02/2014 12:47

I have fear for my already loathsome sponsored ads were I to look at the EDL FB page.... Incontinence pads are one thing, red white and blue face paint quite another.

DontmindifIdo · 05/02/2014 13:02

OP - I would say actually don't meet him, not even once. Tell your friend that if by saying he holds "strong views" what she means is he is racist with a particular focus of his hatrid towards Muslim people, then you don't want to meet him because you want nothing to do with people like that. Then ask her if she shares his views or does she think he is wrong - say this isn't a subject she can be nuetual on, either hatrid based on religion and ethnicity is acceptable to her or its not, which is it? If she tries to say its not that bad, you have your answer, she thinks this is acceptable.

I'd tell her you'll have to limit your contact to her, you don't want people who find this ok around your DCs, and you aren't sure you want them part of your life.

If you truely are a good friend to tell, don't hide your disgust, show her exactly how you feel, tell her others will be too polite to say it to her face, but if her DP comes out with that shit in company, she'll find herself losing most of her friends, it might not be obvious at first, but people will be "busy" or "forget" to invite her. Let her make her choice with her eyes open, most of society will shun people like this, she might be too charmed to see it, but others won't be.

BuzzardBird · 05/02/2014 13:06

You will see my apology up there ^^ Red

BuzzardBird · 05/02/2014 13:07

don't hide your disgust ^ yes, this exactly is what a friend should do in your situation.

Quinteszilla · 05/02/2014 13:09

I agree with 5foot5.

I could not be friends with somebody like that.

redshifter · 05/02/2014 13:09

BuzzardBird - Red, I apologise. I thought you were being inflammatory

Thank you. No offence taken. Looking back on the thread and my posts I can understand why. [Smile]

I have personally experienced some horrific things done to me and my family in my birth country by religious people. Both Christian and Muslim. I suppose this is why I have a dislike of all religious fundamentalism. I campaign against the ideology and philosphy of it. The majority of people in my birth country are muslim and 99% of these people are the same race as me. But if I slightly criticise Islamic thinking I get called a racist. This frustrates me.

I think I derailed the thread by asking a question because was surprised.

I think OP should meet her freinds boyfriend and not automatically disown her friend. See how it goes.

Some people have what I consider nasty views but can still be nice people underneath their ignorance.

David Cameron is probably a great husband and father.

I have to work with many Tories and UKIP members. It frustrates me but has to be done sometimes.

Maybe we can try to educate from within.

DontmindifIdo · 05/02/2014 13:16

oh and don't feel you have to give him a chance, lots of people can be racist and also nice in other ways - I remember reading an article that had an interview with one of the woman who'd been in Hilter's typing pool during the war. She talked about a cheery man on the main, who loved a joke, loved sharing the gossip about which of the girls were going on dates and who with etc. that he wasn't a monster, but if you met him, you'd probably like him.

It doesn't follow that this man won't come across as a nice man, you might actually really like him - that doesn't make his views any less disgusting, it might make it harder for you to be cut and dry about it.

Catsize · 05/02/2014 13:33

OP, meet them both, say you have seen his fb page, that you are interested in the EDL, BNP (NB subtle difference from saying you are interested in joining!). Ask if he is a member of either and why. Gauge friend's reaction, and see where you take it from there.

mrsjay · 05/02/2014 15:40

How do you know he is a racist ? - Just because he posts links to EDL etc, does not mean he is a racist.

urm erm yes it does the EDL hold racists views they can wrap it up in patriotism all they like they are knuckle dragging fuckwits racisit

Dawndonnaagain · 05/02/2014 16:05

Blimey, is the weather keeping the hard of thinking indoors today?

The EDL are a bunch of racist morons and there is no defence for that.

YouTheCat · 05/02/2014 16:21

I have decided I no longer like the term 'racist' because some people get all riled about it and then say they can't be racist because they once had a mixed race friend called Steve.

I think I'll stick to 'bigot' in future. It covers all bases.

mrsjay · 05/02/2014 16:22

yes Bigot is a good word and not used as often as it should be

innisglas · 05/02/2014 16:40

I love Mumsnet and the good sense expressed here. Apart from being a bigot, this man sounds like he is full of anger, which is very good reason to steer clear of him.
And yes I am against mass immigration, because it means the world is in a very bad way, but not the immigrants who are just victims of that situation.
As for the bankers being responsible, I totally endorse that.

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