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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that if you are grown man at a swimming pool dressing your small daughter...

337 replies

2cats2many · 04/02/2014 19:09

..you should use the clearly marked, clean and almost-empty family change room rather than the women's change room?

I approached him and said quietly: "Do you know that you are in the women's change room?" To which he replied: "Yes, but she insists in coming in here and the alternative would be a big, screaming fight. I'm actually quite uncomfortable." He then made a swift exit.

Well, guess what- so are all the women who are using the changing room in the reasonable expectation that they would be able to get showered and changed in the mostly shared facilities (just a few cubicles) without being joined by a man.

In his position, I would have the big screaming fight.

OP posts:
Liara · 05/02/2014 20:51

Newt. No problem, I'm not easily offended. Thanks for the apology.

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 05/02/2014 20:53

Liara, thanks. Only place in Asia I have ever been is Bangkok.

WanderingAway · 05/02/2014 20:54

Grennie - in the twenty odd years that i have been using my local swimming pool i have never seen anyone shower naked. It has never been a problem either.

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 05/02/2014 20:55

A social anthropologist would be fascinated by this thread.

Nudity as a social construct. Gender segregation as a social norm. Etc.

CrohnicallyFarting · 05/02/2014 20:56

It doesn't matter if it's an 'important' rule or a 'silly' one.

The rule is there, and the women using the changing rooms were aware that the rule is there. Had the rule not been there, they could have made an informed decision whether or not to use the changing room knowing that a member of the opposite sex could see them, or get changed under a towel, or avoid that particular swimming baths. By breaking the rule without prior acknowledgement, the man took that informed consent away from the women, and that is the problem.

I have been seen naked by several men and it doesn't bother me any more than being seen naked by a woman- but each time it was with my consent.

CrohnicallyFarting · 05/02/2014 21:01

I guess it would be like disrobing for a female nurse for a smear test, but a man bursting in and performing the smear instead. It would bother me and I would put in an official complaint, yet in the past I have had male doctors perform my c section, a colonoscopy, and a vaginal swab. Not at the same time, I hasten to add!

DayAfterYesterday · 05/02/2014 21:07

If no family area is provided then children who cannot change themselves should be in the whatever area is the gender of the adult with them. No grey area here.
And the fact changing in front of men has been compared to changing in front of lesbian and bi women is ignorant, offensive and ridiculous

2rebecca · 05/02/2014 23:17

I agree, you obey the rules of the changing area you go to, or choose not to go there if you don't like them.
I have been in mixed naked saunas when abroad, but that doesn't mean I'd walk into a sauna that stated it was men only and complain they were prudes if they complained.
People who don't like mixed naked saunas avoid them.
This changing room was women and small children only.
The women and teenage girls who prefer single sex changing don't get to feel uncomfortable to keep one child and her father happy.

Misspixietrix · 06/02/2014 07:22

Again Day. Some might not like to. For reasons other than just being 'tantrummy'.

TamerB · 06/02/2014 07:22

It is a question of knowing the rules and following them, with everyone comfortable because they know what to expect. Iceland has very different rules in swimming pools,which were a shock to British school children, but they had ample warning before they went. You abide by the rules or you don't swim.
In UK women and girls expect female changing rooms to be just that and if he didn't like it he needed to travel to a swimming pool with cubicles for anyone. ( more common these days anyway).

Grennie · 06/02/2014 09:49

Yes I have been in mixed saunas naked. I chose to go to them. When I go in a woman's changing room, I do not want to see asult men in there. I choose to use the changing room, knowing what the rules are.

DayAfterYesterday · 06/02/2014 11:09

Miss pixie some might not like to what? Follow the rules? No adult should be in the changing room for the opposite gender there is no reason why they should be children should be taken into whatever changing room their guardian should be in, not even sure why this would be up for debate

ifyourehoppyandyouknowit · 06/02/2014 11:20

Can some of the supporters of this man please explain why it would be OK for him to bring his daughter into the women's changing rooms because she finds the idea of the men's so distressing (for some, potentially horrific, reason) that she can't cope. When in a few years time she would be the woman in the dressing room (that she considered to be a safe and private space) having to get changed in front of an unknown man because some guy brought his child in there... It's just such a stupid and circular argument. If you have issues with using the appropriate changing rooms, then the answer is not to just flout the rules, it's to find a work around - such as using the family changing rooms or find a pool with unisex changing rooms etc. How is this a 12 page discussion?

TamerB · 06/02/2014 11:23

Beyond anything else the man is putting himself at risk- my DH was very careful of his position with other people's children- things can be misconstrued. Very silly of him.

Goldmandra · 06/02/2014 11:27

How is this a 12 page discussion?

Bizarre isn't it?

There are a fair few comments from people who think we are all pushed into behaving inappropriately in order to avoid tantrums at times and don't get that most people aren't.

Perhaps it is just that they think anyone else's need for privacy and dignity automatically comes second to avoiding toddler tantrums.

TamerB · 06/02/2014 11:42

I wouldn't mind so much if it was a sensible way to deal with a tantrum!
He is simply a wet parent.

Misspixietrix · 06/02/2014 11:43

Dayafteryesterday did you even read my posts? Daykin obviously did. Because she understood. What with her being a fellow victim etc. Some children might not like to go into a room full of men. I've already explained it countless times on here why people like my sister wouldn't have been 'comfortable' with it and also said I'm not prepared to go into any more detail no matter how many times posters try and jump on an argument that isn't bloody there!!

Misspixietrix · 06/02/2014 11:45

Hopalong who are the Supporters? I've already stated he was BU. . Nope. Nothing.

ifyourehoppyandyouknowit · 06/02/2014 11:47

But people have said that the four year old's desire to change in the women's (and have her dad with her) should trump the rights of the adult women to change in a female only space. I never said that you argued that.

Misspixietrix · 06/02/2014 11:51

Well I don't agree with that obviously. I also don't agree with someone telling others that he simply should have took her into the men's changing room. Both are wrong. IMO. For the reasons I've stated. He should have took her into the Family Room. He was a prize idiot for doing so and I'm sure OP won't be seeing him in there again if he has any sense! Grin.

DayAfterYesterday · 06/02/2014 12:01

I haven't read every post no but my opinion is the same, obviously if there is personal reason why a child can't go into the men's then they shouldn't they should either go to family changing or of that isn't available they should find another establishment to go to, fact remains no adult man should enter the ladies changing area for any reason, that part at least is black and white no?

I have an Almost 8 year old boy with sn, I wouldn't dream of going into the mens.

Misspixietrix · 06/02/2014 12:05

Of course it is black and white. I've repeatedly stated that he was BU.

HelloBoys · 06/02/2014 14:08

MissPixie - are you on my wavelength?! Grin

But I would not be happy with any girls of an age in a male changing room.

My original argument was IF there was no FAMILY changing room then I supposed the man could have used the women's changing room (even then I think that's off but eg if there were cubicles, he'd asked etc (asked being operative word) then why not.

And I'm sorry but will state it time and time again, YES I do think men are more likely to be pervs, paedos etc than women and I wouldn't take the chance with my little girl (if I had one) in a male changing room. Of course there are female paedos but as I said before I think (not going to check stats) they do not outnumber the men.

Of course the above will bring as yesterday people piling on again.

bodygoingsouth · 06/02/2014 14:17

the man needs a slap. if he had barged into the female changing room when I or my dds were in there getting changed he would have got one as I would have assumed he was a weird perv and I don't like men gawping at my teen dds. so good job for him he didn't meet me.

as for the child she is either a brat or being used by her father for his own sexual gratification to access female changing areas.

either way he needs stopping and reporting.

bodygoingsouth · 06/02/2014 14:20

to add it's fairly immaterial what goes in in Scandinavia or indeed France!

have been to both and they are by no means the fantastic paradise of understanding and sexual maturity some like to portray.

thanks but keep your bits to yourself. most are highly unattractive anyway. both sexes.

it's not the norm here and he broke the rules.