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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to wish people would stop saying I've been 'groomed'?

142 replies

SnowyChloe · 03/02/2014 13:12

Okay, I'm young but I'm over the age of consent and I'm of very sound mind. I'm seeing a much older man, one reason being that I really like him and another reason being that he treats me a hell of a lot better than most guys around my own age have ever done.

The bad part is that some people who don't know him are moaning and saying he's 'groomed' me into his bed. Am I a little racehorse or something? I'm a human being and we're doing nothing illegal.

Why don't they just mind their own business and let two people get on with their lives?

OP posts:
Juno77 · 03/02/2014 13:13

It depends on your age.

How old are you? And how old is he?

5Foot5 · 03/02/2014 13:14

^this

jacks365 · 03/02/2014 13:14

How old were you when the relationship started and what exactly is the nature of the relationship.

SavoyCabbage · 03/02/2014 13:14

I suppose it depends on how you met. If he was in a position of 'authority' over you before, like your boss, I can see why people are concerned.

CailinDana · 03/02/2014 13:16

Who's actually doing the "moaning"?

HavantGuard · 03/02/2014 13:17

(Benefit of the doubt)

When you get to the age he is now, look at someone who is the age you are now. It'll be a lot easier then to see the power imbalance and wonder what was wrong with the man you are seeing.

LessMissAbs · 03/02/2014 13:17

You may feel differently in 10 years time.

I always have found older men quite irritating. They seem to come out with practised lines designed to manipulate you. I'm averse to it for some reason. There is a reason they don't tend to go for women their own age (and not because they're less attractive, although they will spin you that line), and it can be because very young girls are gullible enough to fall for it.

You say you like him because he treats you better than guys your own age. Is that a good reason to be with someone? I prefer to be with someone for how I feel about them, not because of what they can buy me.

Maybe other people just find it a bit cringey and don't like seeing it? Anyway, if you are happy, why would you worry about what other people say/think?

CashmereHoodlum · 03/02/2014 13:17

Out of interest, why have you omitted your ages from your OP?

DuckworthLewis · 03/02/2014 13:17

Age gap relationships, by and large, present problems for both partners that a relationship between similarly-aged partners do not.

That's not to say the relationship won't be a success, but the odds are stacked against you.

These people (I expect) love you and care about you and don't want to see you get hurt.

Honestly, I'd be very, very grateful that you have people in your life who are looking out for your wellbeing. Plenty of people don't.

t3rr3gl35 · 03/02/2014 13:20

Maybe they are concerned for your well being.

Maybe they distrust his motives.

You may well be over the age of consent and of very sound mind, and have the absolute certainty that you are doing the right thing. No doubt his actions are reinforcing that you are doing the right thing. Do you have enough experience of life to be able to recognise red flags?

I was you once. 25 years later I was a shell. I wish I had listened to the people who cared about me.

BuzzardBird · 03/02/2014 13:23

So you are 16 and he is 50?

DuckworthLewis · 03/02/2014 13:24

I also agree with pp, your respective ages are really important here.

The fact that you are using terms like 'age of consent' and 'grooming' suggest that you are very young. Is this the case?

higgle · 03/02/2014 13:24

I would say that in my family there were two marriages where the husband was 17 years older than the wife, and in one of these they eloped and married when she was 17 and he was 34 and in the second they started dating at 16 and 33 and married at 21 and 38. Both marriages ended - through the death of the male parties at 90+ . So I'd say go for it and don't let people who don't know you properly put you off.

squoosh · 03/02/2014 13:26

'That's not to say the relationship won't be a success, but the odds are stacked against you.'

I think that depends on the size of the gap and the stages of life that the two people are at.

MoominIsGoingToBeAMumWaitWHAT · 03/02/2014 13:27

Your respective ages are important, but some people will call 'grooming' even if there's only a relatively small age gap. I'm 19, my OH is 29, and he got called a paedo a lot when we started going out - but we met through acting in local am-dram together, he was never in a position of authority, we have so much in common and have been very happy together.

People like to offer their opinion when it isn't wanted or needed - if it's your mum saying it, maybe you should listen to her opinion, but if it's friends/acquaintances, ignore them.

GiniCooper · 03/02/2014 13:27

Why omit your age from the OP then?

AnyFucker · 03/02/2014 13:27

This is a reverse thread, right ?

If this is really a young girl happy with her choices, she wouldn't be posting here

The reverse ? Best not to engage I would have said.

hootloop · 03/02/2014 13:27

I've been told this on mumsnet as DH and I got together when I was 17 and he was 26.I ignore it as in real life nobody has ever suggested such a thing and some have even gone so far as to suggest I am the dominant partner (I'm not we are equal it's just I am more vocal).
That said if people who know you and have seen your relationship make these sort of comments then there might be something in it.

NotNewButNameChanged · 03/02/2014 13:27

I think we should all resist making any further comment until we know more facts, then we can advice from a proper perspective that may be helpful.

Until we know:
a) their respective ages
b) how they met

Alisvolatpropiis · 03/02/2014 13:28

What are your ages?

I am in an age gap relationship. Nobody has ever suggested I was groomed though.

There is a stark reality of being in an age gap relationship that one must face and accept should the relationship progress. That he will (assuming nature takes it's natural course) die before you. Quite a bit before you, realistically speaking.

In my own relationship that was the biggest hurdle for me. In all other ways it is as any relationship with someone my own age has been.

WorraLiberty · 03/02/2014 13:28

Why would you leave your ages out of the opening post OP?

You know it's going to be completely relevant

Or were you hoping for 100 posts of speculation before you told us?

DuckworthLewis · 03/02/2014 13:32

FWIW, I think the 'Half + 7' formula is as good a guide as any...

squeakytoy · 03/02/2014 13:35

interesting first time poster... hmmmm

MsFanackerPants · 03/02/2014 13:40

Are you Soon Yi Previn?

akachan · 03/02/2014 13:46

Impossible to say without knowing the situation properly. I will say that I am 34 and if a male friend my age had a 16 year old girlfriend I would find that extremely difficult to understand.