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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to wish people would stop saying I've been 'groomed'?

142 replies

SnowyChloe · 03/02/2014 13:12

Okay, I'm young but I'm over the age of consent and I'm of very sound mind. I'm seeing a much older man, one reason being that I really like him and another reason being that he treats me a hell of a lot better than most guys around my own age have ever done.

The bad part is that some people who don't know him are moaning and saying he's 'groomed' me into his bed. Am I a little racehorse or something? I'm a human being and we're doing nothing illegal.

Why don't they just mind their own business and let two people get on with their lives?

OP posts:

Original poster

SnowyChloe · 03/02/2014 13:50

I didn't tell you our ages because if you think our ages matter it's obvious what your opinion is going to be.

I'm glad people are concerned about me but whatever our age are they shouldn't say I've been 'groomed' because that's saying he's a sex criminal or something.

OP posts:

Alisvolatpropiis · 03/02/2014 13:51

Did you read my post op?

MoominIsGoingToBeAMumWaitWHAT · 03/02/2014 13:52

Snowy - it's more about where you met, what stages of life you're at etc. If you tell us the ages, we aren't going to immediately say "you've been groomed" - it might just be easier to understand why others are saying it.

higgle · 03/02/2014 13:52

My aunty and my great aunty who were the two ladies I mentioned were very fortunate that their husbands lived to be over 90 and were in good health to a few weeks before their respective deaths. My great aunt was widowed in her early 70's though and I think she found the last 20 years of her life difficult without her husband. it was not that unusual to have big age gaps in farming families as in years gone by the H would be waiting to get his own farm and build up the business before he married.

AgaPanthers · 03/02/2014 13:52

Your age matters, because a 30 year old has more life experience than a 15 year old.

Two 15 year olds are both as clueless as each other.

NotNewButNameChanged · 03/02/2014 13:53

Of course it matters.

If you are 16 and he is 45 and you met online, we might well regard that very differently to a situation where you are 30 and he is 55 and you've known each other for years.

You must be young indeed not to realise that.

glasgowsteven · 03/02/2014 13:53

You are right OP if you are 16 and he has known you for 10 years and he is 65 and friends with your grandad it dont matter

Sheesh!!!!

if you are 21 and a final year student and he is a 32 year old mature student, there will be some differences regarding nights out, holidays etc but its not unsurmountable.

if he cant use email or Pee standing up

then there are issues

Wossname · 03/02/2014 13:53

So you're 18-19 and he's in his 40s then?

ButICantaloupe · 03/02/2014 13:54

Chloe, did you leave the age out because you think it looks bad?

It's human instinct for people to care about those who appear to be more vulnerable. This can be due to age, experience etc.

Groomed is quite strong. I suppose it depends on the age you met and the circumstances in which you met.

AMumInScotland · 03/02/2014 13:55

Your ages are relevant, which is why we are trying to find out what they are. The fact that you think they don't matter in the slightest is, sorry to say, a sign that you are young and naive, and no doubt think that 'love is all you need' to make a relationship a good and healthy one.

Older men who find 17yo girls interesting have a habit of being really quite good at knowing how to talk them into a sexual relationship. They very often have a lot of practice. That is what people mean by 'grooming' - it is not illegal, just immoral, and people feel concern that young women are taken in by an approach that wouldn't work on someone with a little more experience of the world.

trainersandaches · 03/02/2014 13:55

It's not true that if people know your ages they will automatically jump to conclusions - but if you are 16 and 24, it's slightly different to you being, say, 16 and 57.

It depends who the people are who are saying it - if it's your mum and friends, who know and love you, it's different to if workmates (who are just being nosey) are saying it.

squoosh · 03/02/2014 13:56

16 and 36 - not okay

36 and 56 - okay

Juno77 · 03/02/2014 13:56

Snowy actually, you don't know what my opinion is going to be.

My opinion on this matter is actually a very unpopular one (on MN) and I don't often get involved in these conversations.

But I would need to know your ages before I can either defend your relationship, or tell you I think YABU.

Pigsmummy · 03/02/2014 13:57

I met my ex when I was 15 and he was 23. He didn't groom me, we were together for 11 years. My family were not impressed but we didn't DTD until I was 16. Local boys of my age seemed very immature, I didn't set out to meet an older man, we met in the school holidays when I was working in a restaurant, the conversation about me still being in school and only working half term was awkward.

It depends on how you meet, what you do together, how you treat other and how you feel about each other tbh

WorraLiberty · 03/02/2014 13:57

I didn't tell you our ages because if you think our ages matter it's obvious what your opinion is going to be.

I see, so you're only looking for people who share your opinion?

jacks365 · 03/02/2014 13:57

The bad part is that some people who don't know him are moaning and saying he's 'groomed' me into his bed.

This implies that there is a certain separation in your lives ie for what ever reason he isn't meeting people who are important to you and this to me is a very big red flag. It's not just about ages but the nature of your relationship, how you met etc.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 03/02/2014 13:57

It depends what the age differences are and how old you were when you met. Additionally, if he was in a position of authority e.g. teacher, youth leader etc then it would be concerning.

Do you honestly feel you have an equal partnership?

ISeeYouShiverWithAntici · 03/02/2014 13:57

Well, it is a fact that many young girls are in fact groomed by older men. Men who prefer teenage girls to adult women because they prefer to not be in a relationship of equals.

I used to work with young women who had this happen to them.

They always believed that they were in control of the decision, that they knew their own mind, that it was true love, etc, etc. And would not have it that that is the nature of grooming. They could not see what I could see about them, their vulnerability, the predatory controlling nature of the men that preferred young girls to adult women, and so one.

If you are 17, for example, to pluck a number out of thin air and he is 40 or so and he has been a presence in your life for several years then it would not be unreasonable for people to worry that he has shaped your thoughts and your development in his own interests.

Because that is what it is. Worry. People who did not care would not give a shit what you did or with who.

Nobody who cares about you is out to try to ruin your life.

If you are mature enough to be in a relationship, you are mature enough to understand why people have the fears that they do.

RandallFloyd · 03/02/2014 13:59

Completely impossible to tell using the scant information you've given.

Agree with AF. Either this is a reverse or it's rubbish.
Either way there's no point in engaging any further.

ISeeYouShiverWithAntici · 03/02/2014 13:59

Oh. and number of those then teenage girls who are now grown women who are still in a relationship with the aforementioned men?...

zero.

Only1scoop · 03/02/2014 13:59

Your ages are totally relevant in this case. You use the word 'grooming' in your post which indicates that you could be very young.
Anyway without turning the thread into guess the age....you need to perhaps be a little less vague....the facts would help....

BertieBottsJustGotMarried · 03/02/2014 14:00

Sorry, yes your ages do matter, and the fact that you think it doesn't makes me think you must be very young, 16 or 17 for example.

I remember being that age and thinking I was just as mature and worldly wise as somebody twice my age - reality, no you aren't. You're just starting to find out who you really are, and even a difference of 3 or 4 years is staggering at that age. Unfortunately it's impossible to see - or even to be convinced - until you look back. But no, TBH even when young people get together with someone their own age I think it tends to be unhealthy if they stay together for too long. Your teens and twenties are all about discovering who you are, you can't do this when you're bouncing off someone who is at a totally different life stage to you.

I wonder if you are the DD of the poster who posted the other day? Is your boyfriend 35?

SantasLittleMonkeyButler · 03/02/2014 14:02

You are right that as long as you are over the age of 16, it is not illegal. You are also right that it is your choice and your business.

However, if friends who presumably know more about your situation than we on MN do, feel there is cause for concern then maybe they are also right .

I really don't want to sound patronising, but when you are a parent of a teenager yourself (if you decide to have children) I'm pretty sure you will see why people could be worried about the motives behind a middle-aged man dating a teenaged girl.

ViviPru · 03/02/2014 14:05

one reason being that I really like him and another reason being that he treats me a hell of a lot better than most guys

I think it depends what the above actually means. People expressing these negative opinion might be wondering what on earth you see in him, if "really like" means you fancy him something rotten, he makes you crazy happy and love every moment you're with him, then explain that to them.

If you've told them "he treats you better than most guys" it's natural that they will speculate on what that actually means, they will wonder is he buying your affection? Flattering you, saying all the right things? This is probably why they're coming at it from the angle they are.

BuzzardBird · 03/02/2014 14:05

Are you even an adult?

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