to wish people would stop saying I've been 'groomed'?

[SnowyChloe]

Okay, I'm young but I'm over the age of consent and I'm of very sound mind. I'm seeing a much older man, one reason being that I really like him and another reason being that he treats me a hell of a lot better than most guys around my own age have ever done.

The bad part is that some people who don't know him are moaning and saying he's 'groomed' me into his bed. Am I a little racehorse or something? I'm a human being and we're doing nothing illegal.

Why don't they just mind their own business and let two people get on with their lives?

Do you really want people to "mind their own business"?

Where I know people who are in what I regard as "bad" relationships - using / abusing - I may continue to see the person I know but will refuse to socialise with them as a couple because it would serve to validate a relationship that is wrong IMO.

So would you be really happy if people did mind their own business and you found yourself shunned?

What you actually want is people to approve, and as they clearly don't (and know more about it than us) then there is something wrong with it.

Your ages are relevant, despite you thinking it's obvious what opinions will be.

When I was 14 my boyfriend was 19. He was quite immature but the relationship was ok in other people's opinions. (Although if they knew what was happening behind closed doors their opinion would've changed.)

We split up when I was 17. Shortly after I started dating a man in his late 20s. Lots of raised eyebrows but the relationship was short lived anyway.

My point of sharing this, and why your ages are relevant is how I felt about the relationships as I grew up. When I was 19 / 20 I looked at the schoolgirls aged 14 / 15 and wondered wtf a 19 year old was doing with someone so young. Even though I was emotionally mature for my age it was wrong.

When I was in my late 20s, married with children both of these men disgusted me. I'm mid 30s now and I still can't figure it all out. If any of my daughters chose relationships like I did I would be very concerned.

Hindsight is a wonderful thing.

ISeeYouShiver, I do know of one couple. I was at school with their son, whose 79 year old father passed away when he was 11 . He also had a younger sister.

Their mum was a similar age to mine, so probably 30 something at the time.

But you are completely right, they were absolutely the exception.

Hmm snowy - you come across as a teenager having a tantrum and wanting us to say its OK...if so you are in the wrong place!

Does this man always go out with younger girls? If so this hints at immaturity at best on his part and makes him seedy/creepy at worst ....this also give the relationship a short "shelf life"

Does he already have a family/partner? He may tell you its love, its probably not he has every intention of going back to the "wife" but wants a young firm shag before doing so.

It may seem sophisticated and special to have this older man - will it feel so (if it lasts) when you have to deal with 1. his similar age resentful offspring 2. when you are still young and firm and his is old and infirm

I think the general rule is if 1 or 2 people are saying its a bad idea then thats just their opinion. If general consensus (the majority of people who care about you) think its a bad idea then anyone mature and intelligent would step back, view it through their eyes and give it a second thought.

You arent Romeo and Juliet - this is real life...dont fuck it up an an attempt to prove yourself right to other people.

It's really difficult to say without knowing your ages and how you met.

I'm 5 years older than my partner, however I was 24 when we met and a student, I hadn't really done any proper growing up whereas he was 19, very advanced in his career and extremely mature. If you didn't know us, it would appear he was the older one. Now I have grown up abit and caught him up, there is no obvious age gap.

However, if I was say 35 and him 19, and I was his boss, mums friend who had known him since he was a young boy, his doctor, lecturer etc etc etc then that would be a completely different situation and be completely understandable for people to worry about "grooming".

I don't think we can pigeon hole relationships based just on age (as long as both parties are of the legal age and have sufficient understanding). I think a lot depends on the two individuals. You can have two people the same age in a physically or emotionally abusive relationship. You can have two people with 20 years between them (aged 20 and 40) who love each other, respect each other, treat each other well and are committed to each other.
There is more to a relationship than age.
What do we say about a 20 year old who seeks out a man of 35 who she is sexually attracted to and wants a relationship with? Do we say that she is simply missing something in her life and is looking for a father figure? I don't believe that is the case for all people.
I do have concerns about relationships where there is an unequal balance of power, but it is the inequality that bothers me and not the ages of the people involved.

I agree with all of that Impatientismymiddlename.

OP the problem is that most older men who have a relationship with a very young woman who is only just emerging from her childhood, choose that relationship for a very specific reason.

You will be far less likely to criticise him than an older woman, far more likely to allow him to dictate the terms and pace of your relationship. Far more likely to be awed and impressed by him taking you out to a nice restaurant etc etc.

An older woman would probably view a very slick dating 'routine' with suspicion, and think the guy was sleazy. A very young woman will think 'wow isn't he treating me so well' - because the alternative is a pizza or drinking in the pub (park?? If you aren't 18 yet) with your mates, with none of you having much money.

Agree that you need to define what you mean by 'he treats you better'.

When I say my OH treats me better than boys 'my own age' IME, I mean that he doesn't care that one of his friends doesn't like me. He doesn't ignore me when he's with his mates. We're absolutely equal in everything (ok, I wear the trousers in the relationship for sure ), and that includes paying for things, we have a joint account for shopping and petrol. The only difference is that he drives everywhere because I'm lazy and haven't booked my test yet

But one girl I knew who was in an age-gap relationship said he treated her better because he paid for everything, and bought her things, and stuck up for her when she argued with her parents - and that was the unhealthy kind, IMO, because she did feel pressured into having sex with him.

The ages are very important. Maybe even more than the gap. For example, DP is six years older than me. We met when I was 24 and he was 30. So, in the same decade and several years after losing my virginity. If we had met when I was 16 and a virgin, it would have been weird for him to ask me out when he was 22. Different times of life and you grow up so much between the ages of 16 and 23.

When i was 16 i met a man 13 years older and began a relationship.

I felt it was unfair that others saw anything bad in our relationship just based on our ages...we stayed together for about a year despite my parents etc disliking the situation. it isnt until more recently that i see where they were coming from now that my own DD is growing up (although she is just 8 at the minute) i know i would be less than impressed if she brought home a 29 year old boyfriend at the age of 16.

i think it depends entirely on how the relationship began and at what age you were when you met etc if you met by chance and clicked instantly that is less of a reason to question things than if you were a student at 14/15 and he was in a position of power over you iyswim

the perspective on things like this does come as you get older unfortunately (sorry) and one way you could maybe look at it is how big is the age gap and how old were you when he was your age you are now? if the age gap is more than your actual age then it maybe is a little too much IMO just becaus i am 31 and i wouldnt for example consider a relationship with a man more then twice my age... but if you are 16 a man twice your age would be early 30s rather than early 60s like it would be for me also i would never consider a relationship with a man half my age...

Oh vivi good catch.

OP I didn't see this before:

"he treats me a hell of a lot better than most guys"

THIS is a massive red flag and totally typical of young relationships. The problem being that if it was somebody your age, you'd be figuring out relationships as you go, and you'd have a much fairer chance of realising if he's good for you overall, not just "Oh well, other blokes are worse, might as well make the best of it."

Most boys your age won't be particularly great at being in relationships. Mainly because they are immature - most teenage girls aren't particularly great at being in relationships either. Point is that you mess around, you piss each other off, you figure out what kind of behaviour you will put up with and what's a dealbreaker and you adjust your own behaviour through making mistakes as well.

Anybody older will seem like a perfect gentleman in comparison, mainly because they're more mature and able to focus on the relationship, but also - more worryingly - because they have learnt and see how relationships work and can manipulate and twist things to their advantage, especially when you're young and haven't had much (if any) experience of relationships before. Think Christian Grey in 50 shades type of tactics. It's not a basis for a healthy or equal relationship, but it is very, very addictive.

Don't settle. Just because "most guys" treat you like shit it doesn't mean that you have to leap into marriage with the first guy who comes along and doesn't (most of the time). Men are not a different species and they are as varied as women can be - if you're looking for patience, sensitivity, kindness etc it's not a rare thing (although it becomes less rare as you get older).

I don't necessarily have an issue with age gaps (my ex was 11 years older than me when we got together, I was 26, she was 37 - no one thought it odd because I was always regarded as 'mature for my years). It depends HUGELY on the situation and the two people involved. Of course they CAN work, although many don't.

W S Gilbert (of Gilbert & Sullivan) was 30 when he married Lucy Turner who was 19 at the time. And this was not uncommon in Victorian times, either. It was, by all accounts, an incredibly happy 44-year marriage (their one sadness was not having children) that lasted until he died in 1911.

I met my now fiancé when I was 17 and he was 27. We started dating shortly before my 18th birthday. I will be 25 this year, a few days after his 35th birthday.We've since moved in together, got engaged and are trying for a baby.

My parents were very unhappy at first and refused to accept the relationship. This was partly due to the fact that he was my supervisor at work. At the time I couldn't figure out what all the fuss was about but looking at my 17 year old sister now I understand where they were coming from.

I think we're in the minority with our relationship as far as I can see. Every other relative or friend I know in the same position the relationship ended badly due to the older man being too controlling. Mainly my friend who had a relationship with a 50 year old grandad who even dictated what she could and could not eat.

I think the relationship can work obviously depending on the circumstances and you should take the comments as well meant advice and make an effort for them to get to know him better. My parents are thrilled at the prospect of having my dp as a son in law now so it can work.

Good luck

When I was 18 I very nearly went out with a 32yo, and then his 32yo housemate. Because we worked together (at a junior school) it wouldn't have attracted more than cursory remark, because on the face of it we were equals. But I was much, much closer in age and attitudes to the children than to either of them.

I am now 32. When I look at 18yos I might have a few things superficially in common with them, but our lives couldn't be more different underneath. I could spend time with one, but not years.

I know a few women who started relationships with men at least a decade older than them when they were in their teens. In each case they were a great match at 16/26 and 16/32, but within a few years in each case she had grown up a lot and he hadn't. She outgrew him. They're now married to men their own age, give or take.

I always think of it that for the purposes of relationships you shouldn't count from birth, but from first relationships. So in my case above you were comparing a girl of two years' experience with men who had sixteen years' experience. And that's why 18/32 is more concerning than 28/42.

If you were so sure all is fine, and you aren't being used in any way, you would have no issue in giving your ages.

Yes, santas, it certainly can happen, I know that is true. There are those who have a very large age gap and absolutely have a mutually respectful, deeply loving relationship of equals and are very happy.

I do think it's very rare and that it is even more rare when the relationship begins when the girl is a young teen.

It's just that 99 times out of 100, ime, when you are talking about a teenage girl and a man in middle life, it is a meeting of a man who is unable to form appropriate relationships with women his own age because of failings in his personality and a young girl who has her own needs to form an attachment to an older man for security and stability. - and I am talking 1) generally as I appreciate the OP has not given ages so for all we know, we could be talking about a non issue of 25 and 35 or something! and 2) simplistically because it just isn't possible to accurately boil it all down to a simple statement like that, it's just illustrative.

You sound about 16 and 3/4 OP...

She may not be old enough for marriage

my mother meet my dad when she was 17 he was 39 they married when she was 21 they are still married now 46 years later my dad was 90 recently they have always been happy together, however he was never her teacher or boss they knew each others families for years went to same church etc

I do not think you are necessarily being groomed but it would depend on the character and decency of the man and that he is willing to listen to you and you have freedom to say no and he is not influencing you against higher education or anything or stopping you see friends and family or even discouraging it,

though I can see if friends and family very hostile you might not be wanting to be with them too much but take your time and do not rush into moving in with him etc take it slow if he is decent he will be willing to wait

Would you want to be his carer in 20 years!

16 & 2 weeks is my guess.

This was either a piss take or a teenager having a tantrum on her mums computer.

when I was 33 my girlfriend was 19 (this was a number of years ago)

It was fun, that was it, with that age difference and her still having life to live, it would never have worked.

When me and DH got together I was 17 and he was 32. We've been together for 10 years, married for 7 and I'm expecting DC4.

What worries me is that you won't give your ages. My parents weren't happy about it but 32 is a lot different to 82!

What did you expect people to say, OP? "oh yes dear, the age gap is completely irrelevant in all cases, you are completely justified because no-one is ever wrong about their relationship, are they?"

You must have known that EVERYONE would want to know your ages, and that opinions will differ dependent on those ages, as well as the prior relationship between you (so if he was your teacher/step father/vicar…)