Is my dad or my dh? And am I for even asking?

[inabitofadilemma]

I'm in a bit of a dilemma.

Me and DH have been together for 14 years, two kids and one on the the way. We jointly own our house. Originally, we both put in savings of about 30,000 pounds as a down payment. We did well from selling and buying at the right time and renovating a run down house and took advantage of low interest rates and paid down the mortgage. My Dad gave us 40,000 pounds a few years ago to help with mortgage and renovations. Currently our house is worth about 400,000 and we have equity of 200,000.

My Dad is now wrapping up and selling his business so he can retire properly. He's done very very well out of the super high prime London prices because his business had some real estate there. As a result, he's offered to help us pay off the mortgage and upgrade our house because it'll be tight with the third child. Altogether he's offered to give us 350,000 pounds. This is, of course, a huge amount of money and will allow us to buy a bigger house mortgage free. I'm fully aware that this is very generous and we're incredibly lucky to be in this position.

However, he's stipulated a condition. Only my name on the house. He's willing to sign an agreement that DH can have 'his' share plus whatever it's appreciated in the event that we divorce (and if I die that it's in the name of the children as a trust) BUT the house MUST be in my name.

My Dad says that this is to protect me. He does actually really like DH, it's not like they've ever had any issues. They get on really well. But he says that things can change. His biggest fear is that we divorce (or I die), DH gets remarried and half of the money he gave to me ends up with another woman and her children.

DH is incredibly insulted by this especially because he always got on with my Dad. He says he will feel uncomfortable living in a home that's not his and he's very upset. We've never thought on these terms, always had a joint account and apart from the money my Dad gave us a few years ago, it's always been kind of even. DH works less than me and earns less but he's with the kids more so neither of us think of our money other than as joint money. We had a joint account before we even got married.

DH is kind of angry with me for not fighting his corner more. But I feel bad fighting with my Dad when he's about to help us out so much, I feel ungrateful doing so like some kind of spoilt brat. I totally get where DH is coming from but I also understand my Dad's reasoning. It's just how he is (he's lived with his partner for 20 years and in his will, he's very very clear about what she's entitled to and what she's not - and it's not much - in fact, I had to tell him to change it to leave her more!). My Dad is also helping my brother out in a similar way with a similar condition but they don't seem bothered by it.

So who is being unreasonable here? My Dad who is insisting that only my name is on the house? Or DH who feels hurt and insulted and thinks i should be fighting his corner more?

We could, of course, turn down my Dad's offer. We're also happy as we are, can make mortgage repayments and pay our bills just fine and carry on in our house, we'd just be a bit cramped. So it's not like we NEED this to just survive. But then i think that might be unfair to the DC because this is really THEIR money at the end of the day. And it's very hard to turn down the tempatation of a bigger house and being mortgage free.

Your dh is u. It's your dad's money he is giving to you. My mum left me a small property which we kept in my name. My dh does not have an issue at all. He knows that my mum left it to me, not him.
I don't know what the position would be it we got divorced, but I feel that this property is more mine than his - and he obviously does too.

It's your heritage, and should go straight to your dc. I don't even see how your dh can argue with that! Your dh is bu!

If my fil gave us a house that would be passed down to my dc, and I could live in it mortgage free, I'd be incredibly happy! I would feel very greedy to complain that it's not in my name.

The trouble is, it's not just the father giving a house/money to his family. It's his demand that the son-in-law puts all his equity into a property in someone else's name, over which he has no rights, and in which he has no stake. It's a 'gift' which demands a sacrifice by someone else, who is potentially putting themselves in a risky situation.

Kittensoft your situation is not the same at all. Your mum left you a small property, presumably in her will, and presumably named specifically for you and not you and your husband. In this situation, the father is insisting that the husband effectively gives up his share of the existing property to get the new property.

Can I ask what Op's mother thinks of this.

I would be very annoyed if my ILs did this to me. DH and I have both inherited from grandparents and the money has always gone into the family pot.

For all those who think that the house should be completely/partly in the name of the children - there are potentially massive problems with this. If the OP died and the children inherited, they could force the DH to sell to get their share. Even if the children are lovely and would never intentionally do that to their Dad, if they became bankrupt (failed business?) or divorced, they might not have a choice.

Schroedingersdodo df is not giving them a house he is giving his dd money towards a house and asking dh to put in his share but then the house would be solely owned by dd.

For those that think it is perfectly reasonable for the df to insist that the house is in dd's name only. I would ask would they give up the equity in their own homes to live in a better house for what could be a short period of time and then to walk away with nothing if the marriage goes wrong because this is what df thinks is perfectly acceptable for dh to do.

We have a similar situation with DS2. He has a newish partner with a child of her own, he has three DCs of his own and a substantial house to which we have contributed well over £100K . We are praying that he does not marry her, and are also looking at ways to protect our DGCs if he does not marry yet makes a will in her favour.

I would never encourage a son to marry. Sorry to be a mean old M-Out-L.

I understand what your father is trying to do and think his intention is reasonable but he is going about it in totally the wrong way. Accidental dis inheritance is not uncommon and he needs to ensure that the money is protected for your DCs. He needs proper legal advice re: bloodline planning to ensure the inheritance is fully protected in case of death or divorce. A properly planned estate will take In All the variables such as underage children, the widowed partner needing a home etc. but it needs to be done properly.

Anyone who thinks that large inheritances should not be protected is a fool. This website is mainly women, if you died you husband could marry and have more children regardless of his age, it may be some other woman who ends up in control of your inheritance, do you really want to trust that she will do right by your children?

I've been reading through this thread and genuinely can't make my mind up where I stand on it. If I was in your DH's position I would be a bit miffed/insulted. But if AO was in your DF's position I could imagine having the same concerns. Very difficult for you as the person in the middle and I have known many families have big fallings out over money :( So just tread very carefully. If you refuse your day's offer then do so graciously and acknowledge that he has you and your children's interests at heart. If you accept it then make sure your DH knows it isn't a reflection on him and that his interests will be protected.

Notnewbut - the op said:
He's willing to sign an agreement that DH can have 'his' share plus whatever it's appreciated in the event that we divorce.
The other alternative would be to draw up an agreement where the dh owns a percentage of the house. I'm sure they do this when friends buy together.

I completely sympathise with your DH's feelings but I can also see your dad's position.

In my family, it's a sensitive subject as my aunt was a very wealthy woman (inherited from her own parents). After she died, her husband remarried a much younger woman who then isolated him from us - we had always had a really close relationship with us so it was a shock for us (and quite blatant).

Ultimately, because the money wasn't 'protected' her son (an adult with quite severe SN) is in quite a precarious position. His father is likely to predecease his stepmother, who has children of her own. His mother would have been horrified at the situation but honestly never thought it was a possibility.

Would it be possible for your father to buy a share of your house - so he owns a share of it, rather than the house being in your name? Or, as a PP has said, buying another property and putting it in a trust for you/your children?

I agree with PPs who have said that your dad should probably talk to a solicitor who specialises in estate planning so that his intent is reflected in actuality.

Sorry - also meant to say that your father is being unreasonable expecting your DH to give up his current equity in your home. That's simply not on and I can see why your DH is upset about that, I would be too (and ultimately I would refuse to do it).

Kittensoft - in which case there is no need for it to be in her name then.

We will be giving our dds some money towards buying a house. Not anything like as much as the op.

At the moment DD1 is saving up with her boyfriend of 3 years to buy something. We will give them money without any conditions, even though they won't be married.

To do anything else would affect the relationship between us and her boyfriend and our dd. it's not our place to do that.

Also of course, if the house is ultimately needed for care home fees, the children won't benefit other than have lived in it as kids!

So, this new house. Will the DH have to pay 50/50 on repairs and maintenance or will his share be based on the proportion he owns?

If the worst happened and you died, would your dh have to move out with the dc and sell the house?

I personally would not accept this gift, it seems to be causing resentment and problems already.

Surely if OP died, her husband/children would inherit?

It quite possible that the lawyers would inherit.

Well I'm assuming(silly me!) that OP would have made a will.

Of course it's possible that inheritance tax or upkeep wouldn't be affordable.

Well you obvs put the proviso it's in trust til 25... Earliest. Either way you're trusting someone aren't you? Dh not to do you over or kids. Probably if cynical might get longer out of kids!

I totally get your father's point.

Before DH and I were married his father bought him a house and it was just in his name. We had a joint account once we moved into together but DH could afford to pay his father back on his salary only though of course it came out of the joint account. It hurt that my name was not on the deeds as I felt that I was kind of paying it back too. Once we were married my name went on and now we have fully paid him back and have a regular mortgage now.

I was not consulted in the paper work at all or given a say. I wasn't annoyed with DH but I can't deny it didn't hurt a bit. Since our marriage though we are treated equally and PIL are very generous to the children and have contributed a lot to their savings accounts.

My parents wills stipulate that if one of them dies, the house and all savings revert to myself and my brother, my surviving parent will be able to live in the house as long as they wish and will be paid monthly enough from the savings to live very comfortably, they can also apply for a lump sum should they need it, a new car, a holiday, etc.

If they want money to renovate/adapt the house then my brother and I can agree at our discretion.

If the surviving parent moves in a new partner, their monthly amount can be lowered to account for the partners contributions! The new partner will be made to agree to a rental agreement so s/he has no claim on the house

The surviving parent can apply to leave their new partner a lump sum should they die, up to half of their 'half' of the remaking savings but if the partner dies first then any children the partner has, has no claim on the sum.

(I'm not sure why my mum agreed to this as the businesses are in both their names but the houses and cars are all in her name!!)