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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask how your four year old behaves in a restaurant?

151 replies

AliBean · 02/02/2014 20:02

I am wondering if the way I expect my DC to behave is unreasonable. ..or old fashioned... are children allowed to crawl on the floor, climb on the furniture, race around in a restaurant?? And if this behaviour is in fact as unacceptable as I think it is, how do their parents achieve the ability to NOT CARE and enjoy their meal without copious amounts of wine and/or earplugs?
Perhaps I am a boring mean mummy but having met with friends for lunch today I remain gobsmacked by how they let their children behave..my DC1 kept getting sucked in but I kept intervening and I ended up feeling like I was the only one who cared and went home feeling really stressed but wondering if I am expecting too much and that's how all 4 year olds behave?

OP posts:
KatoPotato · 03/02/2014 15:31

I think it's a sad day when it's seen as smug to say your DC know how to sit and behave when eating out.

AllDirections · 03/02/2014 15:35

I do think there are two camps - parents who don't care and just let their kids do whatever for an easy life and those with more difficult children who do try to control them but have a complete nightmare.

This is so true. I've been in the latter camp myself and I have no problems with children misbehaving as long as their parents are aware that it's not acceptable and are trying to do something about it.

The first camp, well, I have no words Hmm

SpookedMackerel · 03/02/2014 15:39

There are some occasions when a child has to sit still, though. Sometimes at school, on the bus, in the car. Most people would say those were non-negotiable, you're not going to let your child run around and climb while travelling on a bus, because it's dangerous.

Some people think sitting down in a restaurant is equally non-negotiable, others seem not to.

Afritutu · 03/02/2014 15:40

Managing small children in a restaurant takes preparation and attention from adults. You can't expect small kids just to sit their quietly - you have to take stuff to keep them busy and engage with them to keep them from getting bored. If it's a family meal I can do this well and it's pleasurable. In a group with other small children it's much harder and self defeating as if you are paying your children the attention they need then you can't really ignore them and talk to the other adults. I rarely agree to go out with friends and other children for this reason it just doesn't work. Far better to meet at someone's house where the children can play and adults can chat.

Blu · 03/02/2014 15:43

Some children are more placid, docile and / or greedy than othersWink

KatoPotato · 03/02/2014 15:45

have to laugh at balloon swords... I'd need gin...

CrispyFB · 03/02/2014 15:53

With our oldest, she was nearly always well behaved and would sit at the table, being occupied by things or just being good. We felt smug. All parents should be like us and train their children properly, right? Hmm

Second child, the less said about the better. Brought up exactly the same, same manners drilled in, but a completely different temperament. It's an active constant challenge to stop her from doing what she would long to do - get up, crawl about, run around. We do take her outside on occasion if she's annoying others. We manage to keep things in hand 95% of the time but with DC3 (2) to look out for as well and he has the odd tantrum, there's the odd slip up. We're only human and there's only so much you can take when you're trying to eat a meal too! She's getting better though - she's now five.

We do try hard. We definitely fall into the latter camp listed above. I'm afraid I don't have much sympathy for those in the first who don't seem to care their children might be annoying others especially when probably some really quite basic stuff (colouring in, drawing) would have worked and isn't even being offered, unlike with our terminally "bored" DC2.

Davsmum · 03/02/2014 15:54

Of course it is not smug to say your children sit well behaved when you expect them to!
I think anyone suggesting that has no confidence in controlling their child's behaviour.

( waits for the onslaught of 'Children should not be controlled!!)

GoldenBeagle · 03/02/2014 17:46

It isn't smug to say your child is well behaved in restaurants, no. It is a simple fact.

It is smug, and a matter of opinion, to assume that that is all down to the halo-deserving ground-breaking parenting involved in offering colouring or shoving and expensive gadget in front of children who enjoy sitting and fiddling with such games.

I agree with the poster who points out the difference between taking your child out on your on, and with other adults and children. The first is far easier. The second: yup, stay in and cook!

pixiepotter · 03/02/2014 17:53

With my own non-statistically-significant sample size of 5, 3 girls and 2 boys, I would say girls find it a lot easier than boys

motherinferior · 03/02/2014 17:58

Ahem, I think it was one of my beloved Inferiorettes who was once reproved rather loudly along with the BluBoy...

...she's now 13 and delightful in restaurants. So is her 10 year old sister. Charming, wide-ranging eaters who can muster a fair amount of dinner-table conversation. My top advice is simply to stay out of them for the ghastly period between, say, two and five and then take them. Much easier. Wish I'd done it. Would have saved masses of stress and money.

SirChenjin · 03/02/2014 17:58

That supports my even less statistically significant sample of 3 Pixie - DD much happier to sit still for the duration of a meal. Our DSs developed ants in their pants after 30 minutes or so.

bebbeau · 03/02/2014 18:19

OP I am the same

I have quite a few friends who allow their dcs to just completely run wild in these kind of situations, and I just don't get why

both my dcs have been taught from an early age what behaviour is and is not acceptable in public

they are 4 and 7 now and the other day we went to quite a "posh" restaurant for a big family occasion, and they sat for 2 hours good as gold, I was really proud.

maddy68 · 03/02/2014 18:38

Mines older than that now but when mine were 4 we made a point of eating out regularly and yes they were expected to sit quietly and politely and eat nicely without leaving the table. I think the trick Is to not have a prolonged meal. Stick to one course They can only learn table manners If you instil them at an early age (it can be stressful though!)

motherinferior · 03/02/2014 18:40

The reason older kids behave decently in restaurants is, really, because they are older. Not because they've been trained to.

FootieOnTheTelly · 03/02/2014 18:55

It does depend on the kids a bit but mostly it is to do with the patenting. My kids were never a problem because we didn't have unrealistic expectations. We went to places where there was food they would enjoy, we didnt stay for hours and hours and we made it fun for them too. We chatted with them, played games with them and generally had fun with them. When my DH and I wanted to chat alone we got in a babysitter and went out without the kids.

We never let them leave the table unless they needed the bathroom so there was never an expectation they could wander around. We didn't allow screen time at the table but I wouldn't have a problem with it if we were with other people who might not have appriciated so much kid centered chit chat.
If my kids ran around it would irritate me immensely and if I am spending money to sit down, have some good food and relax I don't want to be irritated by my OWN kids let alone anyone else's.
I know some kids find it hard to sit still, if I had kids like that I would not enjoy going out with them to restaurants. I would go for a quick coffee and a dessert or something similar.

FootieOnTheTelly · 03/02/2014 18:58

I meant parenting..... Blush

Blu · 03/02/2014 19:18

"They can only learn table manners If you instil them at an early age (it can be stressful though!)"

Wrong: they can (and do) learn table manners if you instil them at the age they are ready to sit still and enjoy food. In DS's case, that was about 4.5 / 5. Actually, perhaps 6.

FixItUpChappie · 03/02/2014 19:21

Mine must stay in their seats. We bring things for them to do - special only seen at restaurant sticker books, bit of playdough, we play eye spy, include them in the conversation etc. I also lord dessert over their heads....only for the well behaved. I find it important to plan properly - eating out when younger children are getting tired etc is asking for problems. As long as we are prepared, I haven't found eating out too much of an issue.

eastmidlandsnightnanny · 03/02/2014 19:31

Have taken by now 3.5yr old to restaurants sinc 8 days old at least 4-6wlky n cafes most wks he sits nicely chats colours plays with little toys out my bag. If we know likely to be a long wait such as yesterday Sunday dinner first weekend after pay day knew would be manic we took his portable dvd player. Never ever have we had trouble with him messing around getting up n down.

However we have friends who won't eat out for fear of their children not behaving how do they learn if not given the opportunity.

We have no local family so for us it was a choice of no longer eating out or getting little one used to it from an early age.

Go to European countries n familiesmanage to eat out without children causing havoc equally i do think children being children is tolerated a little more in these countries

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 03/02/2014 19:59

My dd (3.10) is incredibly well behaved. We get regular complements.

I suspect it is mainly because she is a greedy piggy and neither me or dh are particularly good cooks - as a result she doesn't want to leave the table in case she misses some yummy food!

It will be interesting to see how ds behaves as he grows up although if he is also angelic all that means is that he also wants all the food.

Joking aside there are lots of things you can do to make meals out easier but I have seen parents who seem to be doing everything right still struggling.

spookyskeleton · 03/02/2014 20:13

This thread has a lot of comments about how their DC sit perfectly in restaurants because the parents entertain them, play I-spy, talk to them etc. Do you not think that those of us with DC who do not sit still don't try any of that??

Yes it is smug to assume that we don't do any of that...sometimes you are fighting a losing battle whatever you do!

Blu · 03/02/2014 20:14

Eastmidands; can I ask whether the portable DVD player was audible to other diners? Or do you use headphones?

God, Happy Feet at the next table would bother me more than a toddler on the loose Grin

motherinferior · 03/02/2014 20:23

It's so much easier to spare yourself the agony completely, you know. And yes that does frequently mean Not Going Out At All, but it's hardly as if a high-maintenance curtailed one-course outing where you're on constant crayon duty is a barrel of laughs. Stay home and spend the money on a takeaway and some gin.

worcestersauce29 · 03/02/2014 20:26

We took our daughter to restaurants of all types and styles from a baby in her car seat. I know that we were very lucky. We had the same rules at home as when out and never had a problem. At 19, back from uni to home she still asks if she can leave the table!!!! EEK just realised it reads that we were/are tyrants……honestly we're not ;)

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