Or is my husband - re: repeated information

[DolomitesDonkey]

I've got a good memory and whilst I'm not a fan of labelling the quirky - had I been born in the last decade I'd be "in the spectrum".

On Thursday there were pictures in the media of that house in Italy which was nearly crushed by a giant boulder.

Yesterday morning my husband asked me if I'd seen it, I replied yes, I'd seen and read about it Thursday.

In the evening he asked me whether I'd seen the house in Italy blah blah blah.

I said "yes. You asked me this already today and my answer is the same as this morning - I saw it Thursday". He got grumpy and said he couldn't remember and that I'm arsey.

This is just one example, and by my own admission, I sometimes ignore him when he asks a question because it's repeated information/query or just plain dumb.

AIBU and a massive bitch or do repeats cause your soul to wither too?

X-posted sorry lady.

Well I think a Dx as an adult will enable you to go and learn about yourself and issues you have had...talk to others in same situation and learn techniques to manage difficulties.

Its not a box necessarily. Its a neurological condition.

We don't think like that about boxes and labels if someone has say diabetes so it's a shame people see an ASD DX like that.

Well I can promise you that DH doesn't feel like that! A dx of AS = being weird (again his words!).

The one good thing imo of a diagnosis is for me to know about it and being able to react more appropriately to 'unusual' reactions such as the ones the OP describes.

Id argue people are more likely to think someone without dx and AS behaviours as weird but with the dx they would be more understanding.

And *with AS behaviours. Sorry..very tired. . must sleepppp zzzzz

Dd was up half the night last night. And every night.

Worth a try. You seem very articulate and persuasive.

I don't know fanjo. I think this is not my place to tell DH (insist) that he gets a diagnosis.... He is clearly worried about the stigma surrounding 'disability' and 'autism'. I can't blame him.

I do try my best to get one for dc2 who is in a similar position for the reason you mention and because I believe that knowledge is power, power for the person with the dx, power for the people around them. Having said, any person I have met where I've mentioned dc2 was going to be assessed told me that he couldn't possibly be on the spectrum. I can see how, even with a dx, none of these people would take that dx seriously... (that's incl his teacher)

Lady perhaps your DH might feel it's less "weird" if he had the opportunity to learn more about AS/ASD and strategies and supports that can be helpful.

The problem I see is that we get people here on MN that use the "on the spectrum" or "autistic" comments rather flippantly or as an excuse for bad behaviour either displayed by themselves or by others. Using these as descriptors in such a manner IMO can appear to diminish the way people look at those that have a dx of AS/ASD.

As the OPs are using these words to relate to bad behaviour (and to be honest, often behaviour that isn't even associated with AS/ASD), then people begin to associate these bad behaviours with these dxs. The dx then start to have a more and more negative connotation, which then makes people (especially adults) that genuinely struggle much more reluctant to pursue a dx.

Look at "hyper" and "ADHD", and the negative connotations associated with that. And "SNs". The moment someone on a thread mentions SNs in any way defending it or pointing out that it may be a factor, there are instantly people jumping to the "professionally offended" comments and complaining that they're oversensitive.

Me, personally, I don't say I'm probably on the spectrum because I am blunt and pedantic, etc. (although I am): I say it because I have a brother with formally diagnosed ASD, and it's pretty obvious that my dad and grandfather are/were on the spectrum, as is a female cousin, and I am totally similar. I actually been professionally tested, and I score highly for virtually all ASD traits except I have Theory of Mind and empathy at not just a NT level, but higher than average for NT people. So I can't be properly diagnosed as having ASD, despite quite clearly struggling with many aspects of it, obvious or not. I have appalling executive function, for example (a term I didn't know until I was tested).

People always say that one is either on the AS spectrum or not, end of story... Except the experts I saw told me that they are starting to realise that people can have Aspergic traits and not be fully on the spectrum. And with women, especially, as the ASD model of testing and understanding is based solely on the male experience of ASD, it can be very hard to know how fully they fit the criteria of a condition when those criteria don't fully or properly recognise how differently a female will experience it.

For me, I wish I could actually have a formal diagnosis, because there is quite good help for adults with ASD in my area, and I could access that if I had the dx (I have been told it would really help me with many problems I have, but there is no other way I can get such help). I don't think there is anything negative or shameful about it, and I don't agree with the OP about diagnoses or labelling. It was very helpful to me to learn about stuff like 'executive function' - I thought I was a loser who couldn't fulfil my potential (although I've done 'okay' for myself) and felt ashamed that I couldn't do stuff or be as basically organised or able to prioritise or handle transitions and changes, etc., like other adults. Realising that there is a genuine neurological reason for why areas that others find easy or manageable are almost insurmountable for me, despite all my best efforts, has relieved me of so much self-loathing and stress, although the actual issues themselves remain.

The thing that I see in common between the OP and DH is the fact that some things (such as the memory for the OP) seem to be so obvious to them that they don't understand that everyone isn't the same (or rather most people aren't).
So they react as we would and think that 'these' people are just annoying.

The difference I see between dc2 and DH is that, because of my knowledge of AS/ASD, I do spend much more time explaining to dc2 reactions, behaviour, what is rude or not, what is 'normal' behaviour etc... Something that DH never had because AS didn't exist at the time and his mum didn't know about it.
Add to that some adaptive behaviours (not always appropriate) and it can be very hard to detangle it all and know what is 'pure' ASD behaviour, what is the consequence of it and what is just being rude/arse.

But YY to the association of bad behaviour with some diagnosis, sometimes in an inappropriate way because people don't actually know what that dx actually means.

Except the experts I saw told me that they are starting to realise that people can have Aspergic traits and not be fully on the spectrum.

YY to that. The impact of the quality of life of the person should be a strong indicator imo.

See, I am really not managing fine in any sense. I've never been able to hold down a job long term, too much social noise going on in my head. I've never managed a relationship. I'm intelligent, above average, but my achievements in education are minimal due to stress in the learning environment. I am raising children, both has AS traits to a high degree that is interrupting in their social functioning. I'm currently homeless and out of another abusive relationship, not my first. My mum says my method of thinking doesn't make sense, but I am fairly rigid and finding it difficult to change. It explains so much of the issues I had as a child, and since they are continuing well into my adult years (I'm thirty one now) I think a diagnosis would be more helpful than not.

FanjoForTheMammaries
Im sorry to say but FryOne's post struck me like that. Only scoring high average and having good memory but being "worried" about AS.

Im sure Fry is a lovely poster. Its probably just my personal bugbear. But it does minimise AS and smacks of the new fashion to self diagnose with it at drop of hat. Or ones partner if they ar ea bit aloof.

Actually, I am a lovely person. However, I went back and read my post and realised I'd worded it wrong. My apologies for that.

I meant it worried me that someone posting about themselves sounded so much like me. No-one likes to think they are not unique! I'm not worried about the traits I have (and there's a lot more than this) I long ago accepted who I am and how I am, and deal with it.

There's absolutely no way I'd compare myself to those who have ASD wherever they are on the spectrum. They and their families have it so hard, I've had a little window into how hard as my brother has 2 boys who are both on the spectrum. 2 beautiful boys who are now doing so well because at last they have the help they've needed.

You are indeed lovely. Thanks for understanding what I meant and taking it so well.

Fanjo for you. I've seen other posts from you about your life and DCs, and I can only hope things get better for you.

(Sorry, it's that memory again. I can remember extremely well anything I've seen written, but tell me something and it's out the other ear, not helped by being partly deaf.)

I'd like a list. Well two lists actually. One list of the things my boss has told me to do that she expects me to do. And another list of things that she's told me to do that she doesn't expect me to do.

Apparently there's a social cue somewhere I'm completely missing about the appropriate amount to do. If I do all of it, it's a sign of stress and anxiety and that I'm worrying about work. I think if I do none of it then I won't be pulling my weight. Ironically the not knowing where that line is and trying to find it is making me anxious.

Not being accused of being stressed about something because I've remembered stuff would be a start too.

As someone else who works with software and numbers and has the kind of memory that makes people fall over backwards in astonishment, I used to upbraid people for this all the time, until I realised that having the kind of memory I do is just not normal.

So I think your expectations of your DH are perhaps too high. What I tend to do is say something that alludes to the fact I've heard it before while not stating that explicitly (so, for example, replying to the question with another fact about the question's topic that implies I already have knowledge of it).

the spectrum is such a wide and long rainbow, sumtime i think we all guilty of it. my son was diagnosed at age 7. he now 24. we all had to cope wiv his peculiarites, eg sound, texture, feel noise. memory loss i fear is sumthing altogether diff

But being a superfreak at maths and related subjects isn't an indicator of being on the spectrum.

My DS is fantastic at maths and logic stuff at the age of 10. He's also an average little boy, no different to his friends in their likes and dislikes. He wants to be "a computer person who fixes viruses on computers for people" when he grows up, while at the same time loves pratting about and gets the giggles at farts.

There are enough people out there struggling, without others trying to pin a label onto each person. I do try to challenge people's perspectives when I'm able to.

I feel a bit teary reading others describe problems I thought until very recently were just me being crap compared to others. Buffy and Rafa, I suffer/have suffered similar. Rafa, I hate it when people think I am stress, anxious or trying to make some sort of point just because I can easily recall tiny details.

I'm crap at, well, basically doing things. An analogy: if getting something done is about going from A-Z, I can see A, I can see Z, and I can see the most obvious letters, but I cannot conceptualise of the more subtle letters, if that makes any sense to anyone. It's like everyone else knows the alphabet, but I just can't learn it and aren't even aware of the existence of some of the letters. Or that all the letters are there, but hopelessly jumbled, or appear all at once and I struggle to put them in any sort of order or priority, and I am generally overwhelmed.

Another things that pisses me off is what I call social hypocrisy - I have never been able to accept why, for example, some relative makes a sexist/racist/homophobic/disablist, etc. remark at a family party and everyone brushes it under the carpet, but if I call them on it, then I am the person 'ruining things'. I mean, I understand why they act like that, but I can't accept or respect it. I'm v b&w on this sort of thing: the arsehole is the one ruining things, not someone who refuses to collude with their shit to make things nicey-nicey.

You might be able to see why I am not a 'team player', ahem.