Or is my husband - re: repeated information

[DolomitesDonkey]

I've got a good memory and whilst I'm not a fan of labelling the quirky - had I been born in the last decade I'd be "in the spectrum".

On Thursday there were pictures in the media of that house in Italy which was nearly crushed by a giant boulder.

Yesterday morning my husband asked me if I'd seen it, I replied yes, I'd seen and read about it Thursday.

In the evening he asked me whether I'd seen the house in Italy blah blah blah.

I said "yes. You asked me this already today and my answer is the same as this morning - I saw it Thursday". He got grumpy and said he couldn't remember and that I'm arsey.

This is just one example, and by my own admission, I sometimes ignore him when he asks a question because it's repeated information/query or just plain dumb.

AIBU and a massive bitch or do repeats cause your soul to wither too?

I'm surprised you are being called rude for finding this irritating, it's a perfectly reasonable thing to be irritated by!

My DH does it too, I feel your pain. On the spectrum or not is irrelevant.

I'm fairly sure that I've been guilty of repeating the same story in one day to the same person in the course of making normal conversation. Fortunately, however, it seems that the people I chat with are either terribly forgetful and don't remember that I've said it once already, or have their sensitivity levels for such intolerable behaviour as repeating yourself attuned to slightly gentler, kinder expectations. Lucky old me, eh?

My DM has memory problems and I don't tell her. I just pretend it's the first time we've had the conversation (makes my DD giggle).

dh does this too sometimes....pretty sure it's not meant badly but it really does anger me

Often it'll be a "do you want a cup of tea", I'll reply but apparently he is incapable of remembering whether I said yes or no and will ask me again

and again

and again

AND no, he has no issues other than not fucking listening.

We fall out about once a year over this, it makes the "listener" feel ignored, undervalued and generally neglected that someone cannot be arsed to even register the most simple of conversations that they initiated.

people react quite badly when you show your frustration

Buffy, surely you can't be surprised by the idea that if you're openly bad tempered, people are going to be a bit bad-tempered back? Are they supposed to somehow react with.. what? gratitude? I think I must have missed your point.

A trait of ASD (Aspergers/HFA) children is that they like to repeat questions, words, sounds. This is because they like to do this, could be they like to hear the answer. As a parent of an ASD child you learn tolerance of this. I find it ironic that you are not able to tolerate your DH but hide behind your "in the spectrum" comment to deliberately ignore him.

It sounds like your DH could have a poor working memory. This is not something he can change, he must work with what he has. A poor working memory means that sometimes he will not be able to recall things like whether he has asked you something. No amount of ignoring or treating him like dirt will improve this. You need to accept this if you want to continue with the relationship.

I agree buffy that those on the spectrum need to do more "self-reflection". Absolutely they must as learning social skills is much harder and takes longer. Therefore the OP needs to learn that she is not dealing with the situation correctly and a gentle reminder to say she's already heard that question is a much better response than ignoring/sniping.

Couthymow I was diagnosed with dyslexia and a poor working memory age 39. I had no idea that I had a learning difficulty. I cannot remember even who wants tea/coffee if I'm making drinks for a group never mind what milk/sugar combination they want. You would have been as ignorant as I about my disability so you would have judged me for being "bloody rude".

I can't STOP myself from feeling frustrated by it. Even in my DD's case, where I KNOW her memory issues are down to her dyslexia/dyspraxia/auditory processing disorder, it doesn't make it any LESS frustrating, or make me feel any less ignored. What it DOES do is give me the push to hold in that frustration because it isn't her fault.

I CAN'T change how this makes me FEEL. All I can do (and have done my best to do) is to not SAY anything about how it makes me feel.

I've ALWAYS felt that this is rude, right from being a tiny child, how can I change HOW it makes me FEEL? And no matter how hard I try, people say that the frustration is evident in my face.

What else can I do apart from TRY not to let my frustration at constantly having to repeat myself show? Even if I fail?

I ALSO have memory problems caused by my epilepsy and the medication used to treat it. So I listen more carefully to conversations, take notes of important things I have to remember, have a diary with me at all times, use notes/reminders/calendar on my phone.

The difference is, I guess, that I KNOW I have an issue with my memory, and make HUGE efforts to overcome that in order to not be rude. Maybe it annoys me because other people don't bother to put in the same sort of effort to overcome something they know is an issue? I don't know!

I agree with what you're saying Couthy, of course you have a right to feel how you do.

Trouble is you don't know how hard people are trying. For example, I forgot that I and my DCs had been invited to tea by a new friend. At the time I thought they must be getting hungry as it's near teatime, gave my thanks and left. How utterly, bloody rude of me. Trouble is I forgot and she didn't know me well enough to question me. I also have a wall calendar, a diary, phone alerts and I do make a huge effort with my memory but still I can be rude. It's not intention. I find it mortifying.

I think my issue with your posts is that we can't tell whether someone has a memory issue and we don't know how hard someone is working to overcome this but you're judging anyway. I'm not sure what the answer is though as I can see you try really hard with your own issues.

By the way, my friend forgave me and we are now firm friends. I do realise that some people would have dropped me and I wouldn't have blamed them. Thankfully this one recognised and accepted my crap memory.

It's annoying no doubt-but surely how you deal with it determines whether or not you're rude?

And whether you deal with all who do it in the same way?

From your OP you sound very rude towards your husband tbh.

On the spectrum or not your behaviour is rude.

YANBU to be irritated, but YABU to react the way you do.

It's fine to get annoyed with having to repeat yourself, but ignoring someone because their question is "dumb" is plain rude. It's so frustrating when you try and talk to someone and they just sit there and blatantly ignore you.

He probably doesn't know he's repeating himself - maybe he remembers talking about it, but doesn't remember talking about it to you? Or maybe he just wants to make conversation?

Your DH'S sounds like mine Catsmamma.

Oh I find this infuriating. My husband suffers from a pretty poor short term memory combined with being a poor listener/daydreamer.
We often have repeated conversations and I mostly let them pass me by but I do blow up every now and then when I feel as though his not listening and not remembering shows a lack of care for me.
For example I might have a whole conversation with him about an appt I have that day which I am worried about. Then half an hour later as I'm leaving he will say "going anywhere nice?" With a smile and I just get so cross as I've already told him where I'm going, I also told him it was a big thing and I'm worried and he can't be bothered to remember/listen!
He's always sorry and cross at himself for not listening or not remembering and I know he's not doing it on purpose but sometimes I just can't see past it and feel utterly un cared for.
It's hard to get out of the vicious circle of it sometimes. I'll get home from said appt for example and he will say "nice day?" And not remember I had the appt and I feel too vulnerable and still a bit cross to open up and tell him about it (seeing as its personal and something I'm a bit upset about it, I don't feel like talking about it while I'm irritated with him) then time goes on and we are not taking about the big things because we aren't talking about the little things (which in my opinion lead on to the big things!)
I don't know if any of that makes sense!
In our house dh is the one on the spectrum. I do try and give him leeway for it but I can't help but be annoyed a lot of the time tbh

I'm not interested in a formal diagnosis, I know I'm repeating myself here , but as I've already stated - I don't approve labelling the "quirky" or "eccentric".

I'm a software engineer/mathematician by trade who designs complex algorithms and memorises numbers. Pigeon hole me?

Yes, I probably am a touch rude - and I must try and be more kind. It just irritates the fuck out of me. I'm one of those who'll say "you MUST remember, it was the second Saturday in November '89 and you were wearing a green coat and you said x, y and z".

On the plus side, he hasn't asked me about the house/boulder yet today.

"I'm one of those who'll say "you MUST remember, it was the second Saturday in November '89 and you were wearing a green coat and you said x, y and z"."

And you don't think that that is annoying??

I used to write software using mathematical functions. I am not on the spectrum. One doesn't actually follow the other.

My memory for this sort if thing has got worse with the years, as has DH's - but also with the additional things we have to remember for the kids etc.

It's not "not listening" as part way through I often remember we've already talked about it - it's "not accessing" quickly enough!

I totally getshere you arecoming from, OP. I'm probably on the spectrum somewhere (I found out recently that people can have some or even many ASD traits but not be fully ASD,and that females with ASD can have some theory of mind, ie they are often aware that their behaviour or reactions are different, or that they are appearing rude, etc.).

I also have a nearly photographic memory, and having to repeat things to people has driven me up the wall. When I was a kid, I naturally couldn't understand why others couldn't remember the tiniest details.

My DH accuses me of snapping at him a lot over this issue, but, as I point out to him, I'm not snapping over every instance of him being forgetful or not listening, I'm losing my rag after having to almost incessently repeat things to him, every day, has built to a crescendo. Like Shamoy, it makes me feel hurt, because I wonder if I am invisible, is nothing I say worthy of being remembered? Can't he respect me enough to listen?

OP, do you get that thing where people think you are a over intense or even a bit stalkerish, because of the "you MUST remember, it was the second Saturday in November '89 and you were wearing a green coat and you said x, y and z" thing? I've had to learn to stop doing it, because some people think I'm a saddo who living in the past, not just someone with a good memory!

I've got a good memory and whilst I'm not a fan of labelling the quirky - had I been born in the last decade I'd be "in the spectrum".

I'm not interested in a formal diagnosis, I know I'm repeating myself here wink, but as I've already stated - I don't approve labelling the "quirky" or "eccentric".

Arm chair diagnostics, then? Having a good memory or being pedantic don't automatically mean you are "in the spectrum" or as someone else put "a bit on the spectrum."

It's right up there with saying someone's a little OCD. It's a disorder, not a descriptor of a quirky or rude habit. That's a bit insulting to those that have fought for years to get a diagnosis and support.

As someone else has pointed out, if you are socially self aware enough to realise it's bitchy, then chances decrease even further that you're "on the spectrum." I guess that means you'll have to settle for "bitchy" or "rude."

Diagnosing someone is not "bringing them down".

That is quite offensive.

Diagnosing someone is not "bringing them down".

That is quite offensive.