to think dh is a lazy git

[clockwatching77]

So bit of background. We have 3 dc aged 9, 5 and 17 months. I am virtually a sahm but also run a part time business around looking after dc. Dh works long hours with a long commute during the week. Out from 7am till 8pm unless working from home when he finishes at 6. He is knackered during the the week so him not doing much is kind of ok. He does look after dc 1 evening a week when I go out for a couple of hours too although I have come to the conclusion that he is not proactive when he does this. That is about it during the week.
However, at weekends I feel he should pull his weight more. Every second weekend he goes to football which is fine. He is gone for 6 hours with travelling.
However, today he is home. We were all up quite late today so I got dc their breakfast and put a load of washing on before rushing to take 9 year old to an activity. I was gone about an hour,
Middle child and toddler were still in pj's. Both still wear nappies at night so clearly needed changing. I came home to find toddler playing on one of the older children's tablets and dh on his own. Dh than went on to tell me that toddler had been in fridge because middle child left kitchen door open. At this point I lost it. Fgs a 17. Month old needs to be watched by an adult.
He is. Now in study playing on x box and sulking whilst I look after dc againg.
I will be out again this afternoon doing fun stuff with ds1. So I think I should leave him a list of jobs.
So bloody angry Aibu.

He shouldn't be upstairs on his own playing play station while the kids are up and they need taking care of / spending time with. How rude and selfish of him.

He will play with her but doesn't really take her out much on his own. Apart from 1 day when I was at a work conference. Even when we are out together I feel like she is my responsibility. He is never the one to pack change bag or get her coat on etc etc.

Not really sure what I want. Need to think things through and have a big discussion.

I think you have some serious thinking to do.
I am really sorry to dump this on you when you are already struggling, but - parenting teenagers is much, much harder than parenting toddlers.

If your Dh is distancing himself from his children and his responsibilities as a parent at this stage, things are going to be really tough as they get older.

Not only has he opted out of being a responsible adult and parent, he is setting a really bad example to his children, particularly to his sons.

I know. Ds is at that pre teen stage and in some ways he needs more input. Homework and school stresses etc. Dd as a toddler is probably eaasier and tbh I am not sure he will ever fully accept her.

Have you asked him why he won't accept her?
He blames you for the pregnancy. Is there any basis for this? As I said before, it takes two.
For us it was a straightforward contraceptive failure. There was no question of either of us blaming the other. It happened and once we got over the shock, we just got on with it. It wasn't easy, but at least we were on the same team.

I think we were both complacent. I was on the pill but it wasn't working for me. Had been in discussion about getting coil fitted. Just never got round to it. He was aware of situation. I had been told I was pretty much menopausal and also obese so pregnancy unlikely from my side He also has fertility issues so I gess we both thought it wouldn't happen. We had been using condoms too but not always.
I know I need to ask that question but it is so hard. Really don't want to hear him say that we should have aborted her again.

You poor thing. My heart goes out to you, it really does.
I had DD in my 40s. Like you, I thought she was my menopause.
She has been the best thing that ever happened to us. She is absolutely wonderful and has brought so much to the whole family.
I wish your Dh could realise how lucky he is to have a daughter.
I love my sons, don't get me wrong, They too are amazing, but a daughter is a blessing.
He is a fool.

I agree. She fills a hole in my life left after the loss of my parents. Maybe that is why he blames me.

The key issue for me is the eating separately. WTF?
Do other people do this?
Agree he shouldn't have to worry about housework.

We do eat together weekend evenings. He is rarely home before 8 during the week so I really don't want to eat that late. I have digestive problems.
It isn'f really about vacuuming. I am happy to do that. It is really about being proactive in childcare and general parenting. Especially with toddler. Like changing a nighttime nappy.
I guess I am also struggling to forgive his attitude in the early days. He said some awful things,

You should be telling him this- not us.

I will do. Just seeking opinions on here. Obviously responses have been mixed so I am reading through them and plucking up courage for what will be a difficult chat.

I could have written this about my DP.

It's tough bring a SAHP. I am at the moment as I'm on maternity leave. Before being on maternity leave I worked two days a week and was much happier tbh. Its utterly relentless being at home with small children and having a partner that does bugger all is just plain crap. I have yet to come up with a solution but you are not alone!

Ultimately I want to increase my business so I am earnig more and have a more equal economic footing but it's hard finding the time. Dd naps for maybe an hour during the day but not always at a time that I can utilise. Goes to bed at 8ish but wakes at least twice.

He has no right to blame you. None at all.

Hope things improve for you birdy

Just had a thought re the 50 hours I need to do before he steps in. Well 3 dc do not look after themselves whilst he is at work. So I am actually doing 7am till 8pm every day in childcare and ad hoc housework alone.
For example alarm went off at 6.45 this am. Dh get up gets himself dressed and drives to work. I give toddler a breastfeed get up do breakfasts for everyone. Wipe down worktop dh left crumbs all over from his cheese and crackers snack. Unloaded dishwasher. Got toddler dressed and helped middle child get dressed. Did 2 school runs in opposite directions. That takes me to 9.15. Supermarket shop and sorting out prescriptions for me, dh and dc till now. Obviously don't have to do supermarket shop every day so probably have 1 hour a day wher dd sleeps to do stuff I can't do when she is around like ironing and vacuuming. She switches vacuum cleaner off every time I try to use it so it takes twice as long. She slept whilst I was out shopping so next nap likely to be on school run. Won't be put to bed till 8 as have to pick ds up from cubs at that time.
So surely my workload during week is comparative so any day to day childcare and emptying bins, cooking, wiping surfacing down etc should be shared.
Toddler slept whilst I was doing this so will probably not nao again till after school runs which will take another hour. Now doing lunch for toddler. Will aldo be doing bedtime for dc. Thats another hour on top of dh, s day.

I'm on the fence.

I think YABU to say he is generally a lazy git when he does work long hours and doesn't really get any 'alone' time by the looks of things.
However in this situation, YANBU to be angry, but I don't think I would've gone off on one, just laid out the situation for him verbally and let it sink in and come to the realisation himself that it was a bit ridiculous to not be supervising them whilst you were gone.

Being a SAHM is harder than a lot of people think, and can feel like and endless, thankless task, but you said he looks after them 1 day in the week too, whilst you go out, then say he goes to football once veery two weeks, give the number of hours he's gone and then say "which is fine" like it's not and you begrudge him that time you allow him to himself.

Are you generally a little bit of a control freak? I don't mean this in a mean way but my mum ran a very 'regimented' household and it's a bit stressful for all involved. Is he unhappy?

As someone who has been both at work and at home recently, being at work can be more mentally draining depending on the job, and you don't get a minute to yourself, lunch at work is not the same as lunch at home etc.

Maybe a brief perspective on what is actually bothering you here would be good? Why do you feel he's not pulling his weight? Is it more that he doesn't openly appreciate what you do?

Just my thoughts...

Just reading through your other posts properly sorry I didn't see them before - seems it's a big build up of things, and like you are fighting a bit of an uphill battle with regards to cleaning etc.

To be fair, my Dad never changed a nappy in his life - but as a daughter I wouldn't have known this had I not been told it. Maybe doing less of the 'hard' stuff with her would actually help him bond with her.

Sounds like you need a 'restructure', I didn't see in any of the posts what your dh does, but can he change job/workplace? I know it's not that easy but I was just wondering if it was something that could be started, even the idea of change can do wonders.

Maybe just trying to wipe the slate clean and start again - sometimes that means having lots of difficult conversations, but old grievances will alway surface if you don't truly forgive or move on from them having said all you needed to.

Am a sahm too at the moment with 3 dc. My dh is away most of the week so I do it all too. Having a toddler at home is hard work.
I would say lunch when I was at work was far more pleasant than lunch as a sahm. A whole hour to myself instead of having to jump up every few minutes to stop toddler doing something they shouldn't. Although op I don't know if your dh has the luxury of a proper lunch break. I know many don't these days.
The situation sounds incredibly difficult. Good luck in sorting it.

tbh I am not sure he will ever fully accept her

That would be a deal breaker for me, I'd rather be a single parent with 3 kids, than live with someone who felt like that and acted the way he does.

What really stands out for me is the fact that he neglects the children when he is supposed to be looking after them.

The soiled nappies and ignoring a toddler who is opening the fridge (and blaming the other DC for leaing the kitchen door open) is really chilling.
That in itself would be a huge red flag to me.

There are threads on here at the moment about children who have been burned and scalded accidentally while being supervised by family members who love and care about them. I would fear for the safety of a small child whose parent clearly doesn't give a toss, and actually resents the child.

This is a much bigger issue than who works hardest etc. The housework etc is a red herring.

I think that the failure to change the nappies made me feel he was being lazy. Didn't really want to consider it as neglect. He probably thought I would be back soon and would do it. With the middle child he needs persuading. He will say come on we need to change your pull up. Not good enough as you have to push it.
His work is full on but not physical. He doesn't break for lunch everyday.
Yes him fully accepting her worries me. Whilst things are good he has lots of fun with her. But when things go wrong I always fear he will react. Eg I asked him to look after her so I could go to the eldest school play. It was longer than expected. He called her a ffing prat that he didn't want. I have said if he says anything like that again we are finished.
Currently trying to work out how it would work if we split up.
Thank you for replies

O and my 2 hours is when dd is ready for bed or in bed. His 6 hours is when lunch needs making, children need looking after, nappies need changing etc.
O and yes it does sound like I begrudge him resting during the week. N8rmally it doesn't bother me but I still remember the early days of cluster feeding whilst trying to sort out uniforms, packed lunches etc. I. Would of