to think dh is a lazy git

[clockwatching77]

So bit of background. We have 3 dc aged 9, 5 and 17 months. I am virtually a sahm but also run a part time business around looking after dc. Dh works long hours with a long commute during the week. Out from 7am till 8pm unless working from home when he finishes at 6. He is knackered during the the week so him not doing much is kind of ok. He does look after dc 1 evening a week when I go out for a couple of hours too although I have come to the conclusion that he is not proactive when he does this. That is about it during the week.
However, at weekends I feel he should pull his weight more. Every second weekend he goes to football which is fine. He is gone for 6 hours with travelling.
However, today he is home. We were all up quite late today so I got dc their breakfast and put a load of washing on before rushing to take 9 year old to an activity. I was gone about an hour,
Middle child and toddler were still in pj's. Both still wear nappies at night so clearly needed changing. I came home to find toddler playing on one of the older children's tablets and dh on his own. Dh than went on to tell me that toddler had been in fridge because middle child left kitchen door open. At this point I lost it. Fgs a 17. Month old needs to be watched by an adult.
He is. Now in study playing on x box and sulking whilst I look after dc againg.
I will be out again this afternoon doing fun stuff with ds1. So I think I should leave him a list of jobs.
So bloody angry Aibu.

[SofaKing]

You need to make him listen. Point out that if a social worker had found your DC in f

[clockwatching77]

Can only an example. Also crisp packets and empty glasses on table almost every night. Floorwardrobe etc etc. Also diy stuff left lyying aroung which of course I have to move. Cutting cheese on a worktop I have just cleaned. Crumbs and knife left there.
Know it's not grounds for divorce but it is getting me down.
I do know I could be far worse off. I have read many threads on here that make me feel I am comparatively lucky.
Guess all this is blown out of proportion due to how horrid it was in the early days when he would tell a 6 week old to stfu.

[JackNoneReacher]

I think he needs to pull his weight a bit.

You both work hard all week. You both deserve a break at weekend. Being a SAHP is hard work but it shouldn't make you a slave.

I certainly don't believe either of you is more valuable and needs to be rested and looked after at the weekend (anymore that the other)!!! wtf??

Being in pyjamas isn't the end of the world but not having bothered to take their dirty nappies off is lazy and grim. Not adequately supervising a 17 month old isn't acceptable.

I certainly wouldn't be shouting to ltb but some people seem to have very low expectations of Fathers/husbands.

[birdmomma]

No it's absolutely not ok to leave them in a soiled nappy, and it's not ok not to supervise a young toddler. And it's definitely not ok to blame you for having her. He sounds very thankless.

[SofaKing]

Sorry, in filthy nappies in the middle of the day it would have been a different story. I would ask him not to be on laptops when doing childcare and to ensure he stops neglecting the DC.

That would be my priority, housework is more difficult. Perhaps you can put everything he leaves at his backside in a pile so he can see how bad it is?

[clockwatching77]

We do generally eat separately. We may eat together once a week. The rest of the time he snacks and I make kids a proper meal. He tends to eat different things.

[MellowAutumn]

You didn't say they were poo dirty in the op

[clockwatching77]

Sorry I think I said it later.

[ethelb]

Both still wear nappies at night so clearly needed changing.

Yes she did

OP I think you are getting a rough ride here. Surely it is not ok to leave your own childen in nappies that need changing? And letting them get into the fridge where there are medicines? I feel like I have fallen into a hole into another universe.

[Fairylea]

I think there is a lot of unresolved tension here surrounding the birth of your 3rd child. I don't think yabu at all actually.

I'd find his attitudes and behaviour very difficult to live with.

[Fairylea]

Ethelb I completely agree.

[Snuppeline]

Sounds to me like you live very separate lives OP. Not eating together, you co sleeping etc. you've already stated that your lonely but it also sounds like you feel like your not seen and not cared for. That, together with the unplanned arrival of you dd and his treatment of her and you in that respect must be difficult for you. Could you go for counseling?

In short, to me it sounds like your problems with your Dh runs deeper than just mess.

Weekend should be, primarily, for family time and rest - for everyone.

Could you try it get your youngest to sleep on her own and get her down earlier? Would that not reduce the load a little?

[3littlefrogs]

This isn't about sharing chores, division of labour, who works most hours. That is missing the point.
This is about a man who is punishing his wife and children because his wife had an unplanned pregnancy.
Did nobody read the part where he told his 6 week old baby to STFU?
He leaves his children in soiled nappies for hours, when he is supposed to be taking care of them while the OP is taking one child to an activity. It isn't as if she was sitting with her feet up doing nothing.
He fails to supervise the toddler - this puts the toddler at risk, and increases the OP's stress level because she cannot trust him to parent their DC.
His working hours have nothing to do with this.

[grumpyoldbat]

I completely agree with 3littlefrogs on this.

As an aside I think it's interesting the difference in expectations between men and women. It's like women have to suck it up no matter what and men are poor overworked hard done to people that need pity. My husband is always receiving words of sympathy about how tired he must be yet if someone notices how tired I look I'm asked how I can be tired.

[OrangeMochaFrappucino]

It's so weird to read all these responses defending your husband and saying he isn't lazy...the main thing that stood out from your OP to me was the nappy thing - failing to change a nighttime nappy in the morning is incredibly lazy and so unpleasant for your children. Even if they weren't pooey, they would be soaking after a full night and morning. It would have taken him five minutes to change them. Fine to have a lazy day watching tv in pjs every now and again but it sounds like he simply is refusing to parent his own children. Working full-time is not an excuse for that!

[MellowAutumn]

I put my hands up to missing the nappy but much of the resentment of the baby was drip fed.

He is not just Lazy he's a bad farther

[Onesie]

My gut tells me he really doesn't appreciate how hard you work too. He thinks he's the only one working!

Can you put everything he leaves laying around in a huge box. You can keep boxes in different rooms and simply chuck things in there - his pants on the floor, his cup, his DIY stuff etc. Stop tidying up after him. Let him take responsibility.

[Onesie]

Agree he is refusing to parent his own kids or take any household responsibility.

[clockwatching77]

Yes, agree more complex. Apologies for dripfeed. Added bits in response to other posts. Mugs and glass in sink tonight so some progress.I guess I do feel disrespected. Mil panders to him. Watched me run ragged dealing with dd whilst preparing for work. (Lugging heavy boxes) .
Yes, everyone does go, o you look tired etc but I don't feel I get same concern.
One night I was up twice with dd but he didn't wake. Automatically he assumed she had slept though or he didn't hear her because he was sooo tired.

[3littlefrogs]

TBH OP I don't feel you are drip feeding in the way that some posters do.
I think it is more a case of slowly realising how this all fits together to build up a picture of what is behind your "H"'s behaviour. Sometimes it isn't until we start to write things down, or describe something to someone else, little bits and pieces of information start to become relevant. IYSWIM.
I would be worried about just how much he is willing to neglect your youngest. At what point would he intervene?

My DH worked 120 hours a week when my youngest two were small. He made a lot of mistakes due to lack of experience (never had any dealings with babies or small children in his life), but there was never any doubt how much he loved them and wanted to do his share when he was around.

When the third one came along he was a lot more hands on because he wasn't working as many hours.

I think your "H" is being passive aggressive and using the children to get at you. That is cruel. Not to mention neglectful of his children.

[clockwatching77]

Thank you. Feeling a bit better today. House is fairly tidy for once and dh has done some daily bits and pieces. I am still downstairs with little one whikst he is upstairs on playstation. Middle one with me and eldest doing homework. Not exactly what I would call a family day. Had a lovely morning at a service with eldest but sad middle one anddh didn't want to go.

[3littlefrogs]

Upstairs on the play station? How old is he?

[clockwatching77]

I know. Would't be so bad if kids were with hime. 35 btw so not young!

[Shamoy]

He sounds like an arse. I am absolutely gobsmacked at the posters who say the dh is not lazy, he works all week very hard and should not have to do many chores at the weekend.
With young children the weekends are a blur of nappy changing, cooking, supervising, homework, washing and constant clearing up (do they stop making mess over the weekend?!) why on earth should the dh not have to chip in with all that?

[3littlefrogs]

Everyone is entitled to some down time.
However, I think being in another room on the playstation on a Sunday afternoon, while your partner is looking after 2 DC, one of whom is a toddler, is selfish behaviour.
OP do you think you can live with this? How does he interact with your little one now? Does he play with her spontaneously? Take her out?