Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to think dh is a lazy git

102 replies

clockwatching77 · 01/02/2014 11:50

So bit of background. We have 3 dc aged 9, 5 and 17 months. I am virtually a sahm but also run a part time business around looking after dc. Dh works long hours with a long commute during the week. Out from 7am till 8pm unless working from home when he finishes at 6. He is knackered during the the week so him not doing much is kind of ok. He does look after dc 1 evening a week when I go out for a couple of hours too although I have come to the conclusion that he is not proactive when he does this. That is about it during the week.
However, at weekends I feel he should pull his weight more. Every second weekend he goes to football which is fine. He is gone for 6 hours with travelling.
However, today he is home. We were all up quite late today so I got dc their breakfast and put a load of washing on before rushing to take 9 year old to an activity. I was gone about an hour,
Middle child and toddler were still in pj's. Both still wear nappies at night so clearly needed changing. I came home to find toddler playing on one of the older children's tablets and dh on his own. Dh than went on to tell me that toddler had been in fridge because middle child left kitchen door open. At this point I lost it. Fgs a 17. Month old needs to be watched by an adult.
He is. Now in study playing on x box and sulking whilst I look after dc againg.
I will be out again this afternoon doing fun stuff with ds1. So I think I should leave him a list of jobs.
So bloody angry Aibu.

OP posts:
clockwatching77 · 01/02/2014 18:13

Agree though older kids should do more. Just feel like I am looking after 4 kids sometimes.

OP posts:
FiscalCliffRocksThisTown · 01/02/2014 18:20

but the thing that beats me is why couples like in this OP go on and have more and more kids. Was he brilliant before, or not, in which case why why why have more children? Just why?

If he was brilliant before, you can have a chat and try to go back to that.

MellowAutumn · 01/02/2014 18:26

How does him not eating at the table mean the kids shouldn't ? You are in charge - kids are well aware that there are kid rules and grown up rules or should be !
G et childcare for your 10 hours work - might be worth seeing if a local childcare student would do a few hours for you so not sole care ?

If he's not in till 8 - why is the toddler still up to be honest ? If he insists on giving him crisps then give him the hoover to clean up !

yes he should participate more in family life at the weekends but you (sorry) sound like you blame him for everything

clockwatching77 · 01/02/2014 18:28

He was better before. Used to do bedtime when dc were small. Once they were at school obviously he did less. The birth of our 3rd child seems to have changed him. She wasn't planned and sometimes I feel that he expects nothing to change for him. Except him leaving more stuff lying around.

OP posts:
clockwatching77 · 01/02/2014 18:33

The kids do eat meals at the table. They occasionally have a snack away from table dh never eats at the table.
Toddler is up as I have to go out and pick older ds up from football, cubs etc. Sometime dh does it but can never guarantee he will be home. I also co sleep as she still wakes at night and dh needs his sleep due to long commute.

OP posts:
clockwatching77 · 01/02/2014 18:35

Dh does childcare when I am physically at an event or I get paid help if he isn't available. Admjn I just do ad hoc.

OP posts:
clockwatching77 · 01/02/2014 18:40

mellow actually I think he blames me for everything. If everything is the birth of dd. He once said as much in a row. When I was struggling in the early days with looking after dd 24/7 and fitting in all the kids nativity plays etc I said I needed help. He basicall said It was my fault because I was out too much and he would crash car if I made them help and the gem that he didn't want her anyway. He has now softened towards her but is still not hands on.

OP posts:
grumpyoldbat · 01/02/2014 18:44

I think some people are bring quite hard on the OP. I find it very lonely being responsible for everything and tbh I feel resentful when dh is having fun and I have to be responsible. It's horrible feeling lonely maybe that's how the OP feels.

mousmous · 01/02/2014 18:54

yanbu at all
he sounds dreadful.
time for an honest chat with him and maybe even to look at the options should you whish to leave the relationship.

clockwatching77 · 01/02/2014 18:54

Yes I do feel lonely. I love my children dearly and they bring great joy. I have some friends but very little close family. I feel though I am the one doing all the care and parenting. He just comes along and provides the latest gadget. For example. I was away at a work conference so dh had the children. Mil let us down. The kids were arguing over a £100 console and game so he just took them out and brought another one.

OP posts:
3littlefrogs · 01/02/2014 18:58

OP that is awful. So sad for you and dd.
He has just opted out hasn't he?
He is punishing you for having an unplanned 3rd child.
He sounds very selfish and self absorbed..

We had an unplanned 3rd child. It takes two people to create a pregnancy. It was a shock, but we take equal responsibility, and DH was very hands on right from the start. He loves her dearly and would do anything for her.
Sad

Bowlersarm · 01/02/2014 18:59

Why is that wrong though?

Bowlersarm · 01/02/2014 19:00

Oh sorry, the bit about taking them out to shop for another console?

MellowAutumn · 01/02/2014 19:04

clockwatching77 - He sounds like he has been a shit over your youngest but I really don't get' I feel though I am the one doing all the care and parenting. ' Your are a SAHM so not sure how you will ever get away from that except going back to work full time - plus he has the kids when you work , does cook occasionally. I'm not trying to say he is perfect but your emphasis is on how he is a bad example to the kids. If you work 10 hours a week you have 50 hours of childcare and housework before you hit his hours - as I said if you are still doing house work at night and at weekends - I think thats your problem not his

Lack of involvement with the kids though would piss me off

clockwatching77 · 01/02/2014 19:06

He clearly did it for a quiet life. It was less than 2 weeks after xmas fgs.

OP posts:
Bowlersarm · 01/02/2014 19:07

But so what? Why should you dictate what he does with the DC when you're not around?

SoonToBeSix · 01/02/2014 19:09

Yabu your dh works long hours do obviously isn't lazy. With just one child at home you should be able to get housework done during the week.

Bowlersarm · 01/02/2014 19:10

Sorry OP but he isn't being a lazy git.

He may be other things, but it isn't that.

MellowAutumn · 01/02/2014 19:11

Honestly CW it does feel like he can't do anything right ;( It may be your sadness projecting I don't know but its just what comes across to me .

clockwatching77 · 01/02/2014 19:11

The problen is though. He isn't really caring for children even when I am not there. I got up, got dressed, made breakfast for dc and than had to leave to take oldest to an activity. When I returned I found two children in soiled nappies. How is that acceptable on any planet?

OP posts:
MellowAutumn · 01/02/2014 19:18

Thats not acceptable , but it's also not leaving a can on the side, eating crisps or solving a dispute with cash. Which is what you have been complaining about , or him not doing the washing at 9 olck at night Confused after working all day , as according to you there is always stuff to do. Can I advise buying more uniform and a load a day?

clockwatching77 · 01/02/2014 19:21

I have said in my op that I am totally fine with him relaxing during the week. It is the weekends I have issue with. Its the same aswell with annual leave. I still end up doing all dd's care. He has probably changed maybe 15 nappies in her whole life And that includes the days following my csection.

OP posts:
Tryharder · 01/02/2014 19:21

Oh for heaven's sake.

He doesn't sound awful at all.

So what if the kids were still in their pyjamas? I dont understand why this would bother you. It sounds as if he works very hard during the week, why do you begrudge him a rest at the weekend. I sometimes worry about some of the stupid "advice" I read on here. Would you really consider leaving your DH and disrupting your DCs lives over some thing so trivial.

Getting divorced was the hardest and most difficult thing I have ever been through in my life but some posters clearly think it's a walk in the park...

clockwatching77 · 01/02/2014 19:25

In pjs in last night poo.

OP posts:
Onesie · 01/02/2014 19:26

My DH is out if the house 6am to 8pm with a couple of days at home where he finished at 5.30. I also work part time, co sleep with baby and have 4 boys. DH has in disturbed sleep during the week due to motorway commute, he does however cook the tea on his days working from home and even on his longer days he makes the kids lunch bags while he makes his own sandwiches. My eldest two also have daily weekday jobs - loading the dishwasher and walking the dog. At weekends we all pitch in, kids, myself and DH. It takes a couple of hours on a Saturday morning but we just put some music on and get on with it. Yes I do do most jobs on week days but like you have a never ending laundry pile/cooking/loos etc that need ongoing attention.

It's really unfair that he considers his tiredness to trump yours. The weekends should be shared responsibility. Over the course of a month you should get equal time off and equal time to yourself. Weekend chores should be a joint effort.

Can you leave his stuff where ever he puts it . Crumbs/cans etc. he needs to set an example for the kids and not expect you to follow him round clearing up. Leave it for as long as you can and then pass him the Hoover to tackle.

Secondly stop washing and ironing his clothes. Say you are cutting back chores wise as you are so exhausted and will leave him up go his own stuff.

Lastly I would consider eating with the kids and leaving him to fend for himself food wise. Fish fingers in fridge and tinned soup in cupboard? Tell him you are cutting back on chores because you are so exhausted and don't have any support. Put the emphasis on making your life easier