to ask if I'm being a bitch to my 6 year old?

[MinnieMoose2014]

I've found dd getting on my nerves recently and feel like I'm losing the close relationship we had I find it hard as her dad and I are separated and have been for several years - she doesn't know any different - and her behaviour has always been worse after seeing him as he has no boundaries. Usually I excuse any cheek or whatever as her dad's influence (in my own mind) but remain firm and consistent in my boundaries. Recently though, it feels like we struggle to have any positive time together.

The mornings begin with me badgering her to get ready. She is a slow waker and often sits staring into space or singing for up to 25 mins. I allow 15 mins for getting dressed, going to the toilet and brushing teeth. After that every minute wasted is deducted from her after school screen time - she only gets 20 mins per day so the loss is significant or all of it. She doesn't talk much to me on the way to school - any question I ask receives a one word answer or an I don't know.

After school is the same with not talking much. If there's no activity and we come home she dances and sings around the place in a world of her own, rarely interacting with her 21 month old sister and I. She isn't interested in joining in but will disrupt - I.e. If dd2 is reading with me she'll call her repeatedly to do something else/turn noisy toys on to distract her. She has bags of energy and often falls off her chair as she can't sit still. She can't settle to sleep before 9.30 despite getting lots of exercise. It's feel recently that I spend more time telling her off than anything.

I have wondered about ADHD. Before dd2 was born, dd1 was still a bundle of energy but it was manageable as it was just her. Now she'll do things like shout boo at dd2 when walking next to a road and look shocked that I tell her off. Dd2 nearly fell in the road! Her dad has said, in no uncertain terms, that he thinks dd is fine and I'm being a bitch. However, he sees her three days per month only and she spends most of it glued to a screen which is the only time she sits still. When she returned last time she was so emotional and had so much pent up energy that she dropped a crumb of what she was eating as she was running laps of the living room while doing it and had a crying screaming tantrum for twenty mins because our dog ate the crumb...! Usually she is mature and never cries or tantrums, it's only after contact and excessive screen time.

Aibu and a bitch to dd?

No your not.

It seems to me there is some underlying issue with your ex that is causing her to project onto you.

what activities do you do after school or on weekends?

Does she get time with just you and no sister around?

No you aren't.

But can you change your strategy a bit?

If you know she will loose 20 mins of screen time most days can you 'allow' 30 mins so that you and she get the 10 min break anyway.

Can you find activities for just you and her to do? One to one time might help her to feel more positive.

We walk several miles to and from school. We go to the park, bike ride, walk the dog and she does gymnastics, dancing, swimming and rugby. We have 30-45 mins alone each night to chat and for me to read to her. She's better when it's just the two of us but still will accidentally kick or headbutt me because of fidgeting, can't cuddle for longer than two seconds without moving, wants to wrestle and play fight and tickle rather than have an actual conversation

Also, pick your battles.

I know that with my dd if she has done something naughty every little tiny thing for the whole day I pick upon and feel like I mnever stop telling her off. Learningwhat matters and what can be over looked is important.

For example, if she loses 2 minutes tv time for being slow getting ready and then if she walks nicely to school then give her a minute back

Lottie I appreciate your point but she'd just take longer if she had longer to lose. I can't keep increasing it accordingly or she'd never get to school

accidentally this...

it is an accident. She is 6. Cut her a little slack, maybe she is too active?

If she's a slow starter in the morning could you wake her progressively earlier, five minutes earlier every few days, just to give her more time to wake up and get going?

Are all her clothes laid out the night before?

How about a star chart / marble jar for getting up when called first time, getting dressed on time, cleaning teeth, using bathroom etc. Certain number of stars or marbles = certain amount of screen time?

Seeing screen time build up rather than reduce might be more positive and encouraging for her ie reward any good behaviour rather than have the focus on the behaviours you don't want?

MAybe she isnt talking much on the way to school because she is losing her screen time every single day and it is upsetting?

Can you not allocate more than 15 minutes for getting ready if you know she is struggling to get it done in that time?

I was a terrible fidget as a child, and still am really. Used to drive my mum mad. It's not about not getting enough exercise, it is just finding it hard to sit still. I would have thought at 6 though that this was pretty standard behaviour?

She's only slow at getting ready though, she's singing and dancing within minutes of waking. She wakes dd2 as soon as she's awake which is tough as she also keeps her awake until 9.30 (earliest) at night and dd2 then has to spend the majority of the school day napping. I like the idea of building screen time rather than reducing though, thank you

Huh? So does she literally waste all her screen time and then suddenly become compliant and get ready?

That sounds odd to me. Is it a pattern she has just become used to?

I definitely think your focusing on negative too much.

did I get that right, your 6 yo is still awake at 9.30?

if she knows she has already lost her after school screen time, I can see why she is not chatty on the way to/from school. I also think she does too mnay activities and needs time just to chill out and relax.

Having 15 minutes to do x,y and z is a pretty abstract concept for a 6-year-old. Have you tried using a timer (an eggtimer or a countdown timer for example) to help her realise how long she has got left?

Tantrums she doesn't care or complain about losing it. She can get ready in under ten mins on weekends so there's no reason she can't do it in 15 school days IMO. Grennie she accidentally hurts dd2, herself or me several times per day - that's excessive, surely? Leverette I do praise but there's so little interaction recently there's little to praise. She falls off her chair and drops her food and spills her drink at mealtimes, I don't keep reprimanding her but neither can I praise it. If she listens first time I praise but that's rare too. I don't favour dd2 at all, I miss dd1 and the relationship we had desperately

Can you get a stopwatch and challenge her to see if she can get ready in say 15 minutes? If she can see the time going it might help.

Lottie yes she leaves it until ten to 8 when we leave at 8 then rushes and gets ready. Phantom - yes 9.30. She doesn't do 'chilling out' she runs and jumps and climbs and dances constantly. Dirtie yes she has a timer and can also see the clock and tell the time

How is she at school?
She sounds very similar to my DD2, who is also 6.
Her school teacher has suggested that she is assessed for Dyspraxia - I looked up the 'signs and symptoms' (which I know you shouldn't do) but it honestly sounded as though someone was describing DD2.
She will hopefully be assessed soon, but it does look as though she could be dyspraxic, and so instead of looking at all of this behaviour as 'naughty' I'm trying to remember that she can't help it, because I know how insanely tiring it can be!
She is constantly doing similar things to your DD when shouting 'boo' at the side of the road - always doing things like that, and again, honestly has no idea why you're telling her off. Mealtimes especially are a nightmare because she's so fidgety that her meal goes everywhere, and she normally spills her drink at least once or twice. Often falls off her chair at school and at home because she won't sit on her bottom - has to be kneeling up or dangling off it.
Like your DD, mine is so so much better when we have 1-1 time, but even then, if she's in a silly mood she often just ruins things because it seems like she can't control herself.
Sorry OP, am not trying to say that your DD may have dyspraxia too - it's just that everything you say sounds so similar to my DD.
My DD just can't be given any instructions that are even slightly confusing - so if I say 'Pop upstairs, get your school clothes on (which are laid on bed), brush your teeth and run back down' - if I go up 20 minutes later she'll be dancing around naked!
So now she has a different routine to her sisters in that I'll send her off to do something, whilst I do something - if that makes sense. So I'll ask her what cereals she'd like, and whilst I'm getting them ready, I ask her to go, calmly, upstairs and pop her clothes on and then she can come and have cereals.
I think in a way having younger ones can make it harder - I have 4YO triplets who I can set instructions for, yet if I ask DD2 to do the same, it won't happen - and I admit that I sometimes find that hard to comprehend.
Anyway, I'm going off on one a bit here, sorry - is strangely nice to hear of someone with a similar DD :)

I found as my DS gets older he wants to talk less about school..I want to know all about his day but for him school is over..I find he tells me more if I lay off him...

Also re DD2...At 6 old enough to say if you can't listen leave the room..

Soory baby awake will finsh later

I think you are focussing on a lot of negative and maybe she feels you're younger child is a favourite. She could particularly feel this if your younger child has a dad around.

I have 2 out of 3 kids that need CONSTANT reminders when getting ready for school. I mean constant. And I have to remove anything distracting them eg. dd playing with her soft toy and not putting shoes on, soft toy needs to be gently removed. My 8yo needs to be told everything 1 step at a time, put shoes on, put coat on, get bag etc. etc. If he doesn't listen on the third time of asking there is a consequence such as no computer after school. With getting dressed, I usually have to chase him 3 or 4 times on it or he can be in his own world.

I think the 1 minute thing is a bit of a red herring for a child so young. I think you need to pay her more attention and ask her to do the things she needs one at a time - eg. get dressed, teeth etc. If she doesn't do as you ask her, then you should remove the whole lot of TV for a day. It's more important that she is listening to you at this age, and doing as you ask, than she is great at time management.

Lastly, get some 1:1 time with her without your younger dd. Just a muffin at McDonalds and a chat about nice things (not problems you have with her). I guarantee she will be a lot better after this.

I don't think you're being a bitch but I do think you're focusing too much on the negatives and also that the consequences you're giving her aren't natural consequences of her actions. I also suspect she's not getting enough sleep...

It can be really hard to 'reset' your relationship so well done for noticing that things have slipped a bit and to want to change things. I really recommend 'how to talk so children will listen'. I recommend it so much that I fear regular posters think I'm on commission, I'm not! I think this would help the two of you communicate better and help you with positive reinforcement and natural consequences.

I'd drop two activities as well.

just a thought but could you switch round your tactics to be more positive, so rather than starting with screen time and losing it, start with none and earn it, e.g as pp Said marble jar, with marbles awarded for up on time, brushing teeth, getting dressed coat on, some walking to school milestones etc so she could earn herself enough marbles for a programne or two after school. i also think at this age they have little concept of time, so you might need to act as motivational coach, so calling out what should be being done, being positive when it has been and giving 10, 5, 2, 1 minute countdown to leaving for school.
lastly i agree some time with your dd2 not in the mix might help.

The getting ready bit isn't that big a deal. She gets ready on time eventually. It's the consistent doing things with no forethought or complete disobedience that are the problem - I.e. Last night there was a car doing a three point turn close to the path we were walking down. Dd1 broke off from holding my hand and ran towards the grass between path and road, I called her back and she said 'in a minute' and obliviously began picking daisies. I had to physically remove her as the car was mounting the kerb and she just shrugged and walked off.

If she doesn't care then maybe you could try a new approach? Because if she isn't bothered by it, it's not an effective punishment is it?

Can I just ask, do you put her to bed at 9.30 or do you put her in bed earlier and she is awake until 9.30?

I only ask because my youngest DS was a flipping horror for going to bed at 7.30 but still being up at 9, reading or coloring. It took a huge effort to get him into a routine if actually going to sleep, when he was going to sleep at 9, he was a terror in the morning because he was tired. Then he used to get a burst of overtired energy at about 6pm which meant not only was he tired and miserable, he couldn't sleep.